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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to refuse babysitter on holiday?

113 replies

Aspire2Iron · 25/02/2023 07:05

Our 20th anniversary is coming this summer and my husband has saved up and booked us a trip abroad to where we honeymooned. The kids are coming as it will be fun and educational.

My husband would love for 3 nights to be alone with me at the hotel where we honeymooned. To accomplish this, he wants to fly his brother along to watch the kids; he’ll put them up in a Airbnb in the vicinity.

The tricky part is I know my sensitive sister (who has always had bad luck and who has dealt with debilitating mental illness all her adult life) will be very hurt by this. She doesn’t get to travel as much as she’d like, and she loves being with our kids. But she’s definitely not up to the task of being responsible for them in a different country. Definitely. I don’t know that she’d admit that, but we know it to be so.

It is sweet that my husband wants this so much. He’s trying to be romantic. But the thought that I’d have to spin a story to my sister to soften the blow that my husband’s brother is the preferred travel companion has soured the idea for me completely. I have total dread. I don’t think I’ll even enjoy the alone time! What’s more, my sister aside, I think it’s a big spend to fly out a babysitter. I’d rather embrace the season we are in (with kids in tow) than engineer a ‘romantic’ but stressful time apart. Maybe we could swing time alone close to home, but time alone far from home sounds like more than I am able to do.

My husband thinks it’s unreasonable for me to let my sister’s potential hurt dictate how we live. It is true that she, my older sister, can lash out very harshly at me, so that probably does factor in, if I’m honest. But also, I can understand how she’d be hurt; she’s been dealt a harder hand than me and it’s not fair.

AIBU?

OP posts:
MichelleScarn · 25/02/2023 07:09

Agree with your dh. Sounds like if you don't do what your sister wants she'll be horrible and 'lash out' at you? Not someone I'd want to spend money on flying out on a holiday and trusting with my children abroad!

Illbeready · 25/02/2023 07:10

I also agree with your DH, time to find a backbone OP.

Theelephantinthecastle · 25/02/2023 07:10

Wow - your DH sounds amazing, what a lovely romantic gesture.

I cannot imagine letting my sister's hurt feelings stand in the way of this. Why does she even need to know.that your BIL is coming?

DrMarciaFieldstone · 25/02/2023 07:11

You sound horribly manipulated by your sister

Your husband’s life shouldn’t be limited by how your selfish sister feels

Gwen82 · 25/02/2023 07:12

Bloody hell Op

this sounds so complicated. Why not enjoy a family holiday and then go away for a couple of nights in the uk with your husband.

as for your sister…. In her shoes, the thought of being hurt that despite me having a “debilitating” mental health condition my sister has decided to put her children first and not to put me under a hell of a lot of pressure, is unfathomable.

it in fact says a lot about your sister that you are so worried about how hurt she’d be

strawberry2017 · 25/02/2023 07:14

Your sister shouldn't have this much control of your life. You need some boundaries in place.
Her issues are not yours to be ruled by.

Gwen82 · 25/02/2023 07:14

has soured the idea for me completely. I have total dread.

your sister has done a number on you Op

to the extent that it would seem you are developing a mental health problem because I assure you that this kind of feeling about telling your sister babysitting arrangements… is far from normal

YellowAndGreenToBeSeen · 25/02/2023 07:15

Your husband has arranged for his brother to be involved in this very lovely gesture - you are not responsible for it.

Your sister, whilst I sympathise with her health issues, will just have to get over it. As much as you clearly love her, it’s not your job to manage her expectations.

Go and have a wonderful time.

Camilliatile · 25/02/2023 07:16

You don't need to tell your sister it's happening. If your BIL is competent then go ahead with the plan. Who babysits your DC isn't your sister's business.

ScottishBeth · 25/02/2023 07:16

Agree with everyone else. Go with what your husband has planned - it sounds lovely. And don't tell your sister.

Paturday · 25/02/2023 07:17

Surely your sister will only know about this if you tell her?? So don’t?

Gwen82 · 25/02/2023 07:18

Your children aren’t young op. According to another thread . 15, 13 , 10 and 8.

So putting this babysitting nonsense aside, I think it’s a daft idea. Uprooting the children half way through a holiday to put them in an air bnb, flying out a babysitter etc.

Just enjoy a family holiday all together as children those ages aren’t exactly onerous. and then go away for a weekend just with your husband later on in year

Quitelikeacatslife · 25/02/2023 07:18

These are your kids, your anniversary and your husband has made these nice arrangements. Your kids will have fun with their uncle and I bet once you are there it will be really romantic in your honeymoon hotel. You need to tell your sister now what is happening and expect her to be pleased for you. Act bewildered if she makes it about her, because it is not . If she kicks off for goodness sakes stand up to her.

Cobrastar · 25/02/2023 07:20

What would you do if you both had multiple siblings? If you DH had a sister and brother? Would you feel bad if he only picked one of his siblings?

I think you need to go and enjoy it, its suppose to be a treat and instead your walking on egg shells.

Standbyguest · 25/02/2023 07:21

Your poor DH, he has organised something wonderful and you are letting your sister ruin it. Why does she even need to know your babysitting plans anyway?

Isthisexpected · 25/02/2023 07:24

There's no need to tell her that you're having the three nights separately when talking about the upcoming trip. You are in a coercive relationship with her.

Bard6817 · 25/02/2023 07:24

I’m team DH.

Even the brother sounds like a saint, ok it’s a bit of free foreign travel, but to babysit someone else’s kids, would be a hard no from me.

Can you leave kids at home with brother - and pay him the flight money. Problem solved. Lol.

Hoppinggreen · 25/02/2023 07:24

I wouldn’t want to do this - but only because I wouldn’t want to move my DC into an Airbnb, I would be happy for them to stay with us the whole time. I appreciate that’s just me though.
What I wouldn’t do is make my decisions around the fear that my sister would throw a tantrum. She sounds awful and you need to stop letting her walk all over you

StrawberryJam4Ever · 25/02/2023 07:25

Don’t your kids ever sleep?

JMSA · 25/02/2023 07:25

Why would your sister even have to know?
I'm sorry but YABU.

NumberTheory · 25/02/2023 07:27

But the thought that I’d have to spin a story to my sister to soften the blow that my husband’s brother is the preferred travel companion has soured the idea for me completely. I have total dread. I don’t think I’ll even enjoy the alone time!

I think that this is your worry is a big concern for your marriage. Your priorities here are really poor. Your sister’s feelings should not play this sort of role in your marriage.

Theelephantinthecastle · 25/02/2023 07:29

As an aside, I find quite odd the idea that not being picked to do someone a massive favour and travel to babysit their kids is hurtful quite odd.. I would be thrilled to be the relative not picked and think your BIL is a hero, no way any of DH's brothers would do anything other than say "hahahaha hahaha, nope"

kenne · 25/02/2023 07:29

Does the hotel have a kids' club or babysitting service that you could use to have a bit of alone time or a nice dinner?

CatherinedeBourgh · 25/02/2023 07:30

If your dc are teenagers/pre teens, as an op has said, this is only about your sister and not about your dc.

In which case you really need to learn to not let your sister make you have a worse time that you could just to make her feel better about her inadequacies/limitations.

Mental health is not an excuse for being nasty person.

CheeseCakeSunflowers · 25/02/2023 07:30

I get what your saying op. I have an autistic member of our family who can be unreasonable at times. Before anyone jumps on me I am talking about one person not autistic people in general. It's easy saying just go ahead, but like you it would completely spoil the treat for me knowing what I was going to have to face when I got home. We find just keeping quiet about certain things that we think will kick difficult situations off is the best way to manage, is there any way you could continue with the plan but not let on about this part to your sister.

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