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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to refuse babysitter on holiday?

113 replies

Aspire2Iron · 25/02/2023 07:05

Our 20th anniversary is coming this summer and my husband has saved up and booked us a trip abroad to where we honeymooned. The kids are coming as it will be fun and educational.

My husband would love for 3 nights to be alone with me at the hotel where we honeymooned. To accomplish this, he wants to fly his brother along to watch the kids; he’ll put them up in a Airbnb in the vicinity.

The tricky part is I know my sensitive sister (who has always had bad luck and who has dealt with debilitating mental illness all her adult life) will be very hurt by this. She doesn’t get to travel as much as she’d like, and she loves being with our kids. But she’s definitely not up to the task of being responsible for them in a different country. Definitely. I don’t know that she’d admit that, but we know it to be so.

It is sweet that my husband wants this so much. He’s trying to be romantic. But the thought that I’d have to spin a story to my sister to soften the blow that my husband’s brother is the preferred travel companion has soured the idea for me completely. I have total dread. I don’t think I’ll even enjoy the alone time! What’s more, my sister aside, I think it’s a big spend to fly out a babysitter. I’d rather embrace the season we are in (with kids in tow) than engineer a ‘romantic’ but stressful time apart. Maybe we could swing time alone close to home, but time alone far from home sounds like more than I am able to do.

My husband thinks it’s unreasonable for me to let my sister’s potential hurt dictate how we live. It is true that she, my older sister, can lash out very harshly at me, so that probably does factor in, if I’m honest. But also, I can understand how she’d be hurt; she’s been dealt a harder hand than me and it’s not fair.

AIBU?

OP posts:
3LittleFishes · 25/02/2023 07:31

The kids are coming as it will be fun and educational.
Well yes, quite. Mustn't take the kids abroad unless it's educational.
You're over thinking this massively. It is of no concern of your sisters who you holiday with, as far as she knows your husband's brother could have paid for himself!
You should not be curtailing your life as a family because of your sisters issues...if I were your husband I would be pretty upset right now.

Zonder · 25/02/2023 07:42

The issue of your sister is one thing. The idea of taking your kids abroad to have a family holiday then going off to a separate hotel for 3 nights is mad! How old are they? That's something I would do as a totally separate trip. Do you want a family holiday with your BIL tagging along the whole time minus 3 days?

Well yes, quite. Mustn't take the kids abroad unless it's educational.

TBF @3LittleFishes in the sentence you quoted directly above this she said fun first!

musingsinmidlife · 25/02/2023 07:42

Seems you are more invested in your sister than your husband or your marriage. Your sister shouldn't dictate your 20th wedding anniversary romantic getaway plans. And cancelling it because of her feelings is ridiculous.

You can always plan a trip with your sister or have her join your family for some other event or activity.

I would guess this is more of an issue with your marriage and you don't want to spend romantic time alone with her husband - hence bringing the kids with you on a wedding anniversary trip and then sabotaging any alone time.

manicthursday · 25/02/2023 07:45

Completely agree with the almost unanimous opinions on here. It's nothing to do with your sister. She has no right or need to even know details of your travel arrangements, that BIL is going too or who is paying for that.

It's a lovely gesture from your DH, if you can afford it all and everyone is happy literally except for your DSis then it's really unfair to them and to you to let that dictate your lives.

If your DC are the ages that has been suggested they must have some awareness of the issues with DSis so I would sit them down and explain you aren't telling her about DBIL's involvement in the holiday as you don't want to upset her.

Then don't tell her BIL is going and stop letting this spoil what should be a wonderful treat for you all.

1fluffydoodle · 25/02/2023 07:56

I'm a peacekeeper and wouldn't want to hurt my sister either.
Would your husbands budget stretch to including your sister in the same accommodation as his brother? That way you're sister could help with the children but not be alone with them and not feel excluded.

MichelleScarn · 25/02/2023 08:01

Is it about not wanting to hurt sister or not induce her wrath though? Kids are old enough to ask who they'd prefer to be with them aren't they?

Bigbus · 25/02/2023 08:03

I have kids a similar age and I would not want to be going off and leaving them in the middle of a family holiday for three days. I think it’s odd and they would think it was odd too. So for me, it’s not about your sister. The whole idea would just make me feel uncomfortable. I would go and have a nice family holiday then on a separate occasion have a few nights away with DH. As you say, DH needs to accept the season that you are in. It won’t be forever.

WandaWonder · 25/02/2023 08:05

In a way I agree with your husband, but even his idea sounds complicated to me as a poster mentioned I would have thr family holiday, at home go away in the uk for a few nights at a fancy hotel or whatever

Sounds simpler to me, but I agree with the sister issue part that is a seperate thing

rookiemere · 25/02/2023 08:05

Wouldn't it be easier just to get DBIL and Dsis to look after DCs at home and have this trip without him ?
It seems like an awful lot of faff just to have a few meals out and wouldn't DB want to spend time in the day with you as well ?

TeeBee · 25/02/2023 08:06

I'm in total agreement with your DH. It's ridiculous that you're letting your sisters potential reaction dictate your own life with your family. It's time for you to get some boundaries.

Char1otte · 25/02/2023 08:07

This is insane! Grow a set and live your life rather than worrying what your sister thinks FFS

Theelephantinthecastle · 25/02/2023 08:09

If I was the BIL, no way would I agree to anything that involved me babysitting with the sister who lashes out and makes it all about her at every opportunity.

Sceptre86 · 25/02/2023 08:11

First of all , life isn't fair. Take a step back and look at your relationship and how she treats you. Would you be OK with one of your children treating the other like that? If the answer is no then there is a problem here that needs to be dealt with. You aren't her punching bag because life hasn't been good to her.

Secondly your dh had arranged something lovely for you. You may not feel you need the time away from the kids and to be alone hut in a relationship it isn't about our own needs and wants all the time. It very much sounds like he wants that special time alone with you and I'd grant it. If he can afford to have bil flown over and he is a competent adult who could look after the children with minimal input from you, is trustworthy and the kids are happy with him then I'd crack on.

How will your sister find out? Do you tell her everything as a way of including her in your family life? Does she live with you or nearby? Are both sides of the family close so someone will let slip in her presence? Why do you feel responsible for her?

Back to your original question and yabu op but I'm guessing your relationship with her is complicated.

FightingFatAt49 · 25/02/2023 08:21

I agree with PPs, you sound like you're letting your sister rule your life. Your DH is planning something so lovely, let him do it.

YouSoundLovely · 25/02/2023 08:29

YABU wrt your sister. It sounds as if there's some massive FOG there. Do your parents encourage this revolving around her feelings?

YANBU about the plan in itself. I wouldn't want this- Flying a family member out to babysit, packing the children off in the middle of a family holiday? Nope. By all means have a couple of days away in the UK, but this seems like a lot of stress and fuss.

3LittleFishes · 25/02/2023 08:37

@Zonder I know, it just frustrates me on here sometimes. Heaven forbid you go on holiday with children just for fun! Don't worry, it's educational too, phew!

Lizziet64 · 25/02/2023 08:42

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Gwen82 · 25/02/2023 08:48

1fluffydoodle · 25/02/2023 07:56

I'm a peacekeeper and wouldn't want to hurt my sister either.
Would your husbands budget stretch to including your sister in the same accommodation as his brother? That way you're sister could help with the children but not be alone with them and not feel excluded.

You say you’re a “peace keeper”

But in this scenario the op would be succumbing to her “fear” of hurting her sister but in the process hurting her husband

is that your definition of peacekeeping @1fluffydoodle ? It sure as heck isn’t mine!

ittakes2 · 25/02/2023 08:50

Its your anniversary...it would be good for you two to be supportive of each other sounds like hubby is very me me me! My suggestion is leave kids at home in england with sister and brother and fly a short break to another country for some alone time...or put the holiday off until kids are older.

MMAMPWGHAP · 25/02/2023 08:56

Did your husband ask you before he spent your money on this?

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 25/02/2023 08:58

I think your husband sounds lovely and you'd be an utter fool to let your sister spoil this for you.

Pinkdelight3 · 25/02/2023 09:05

Your sister has FA to do with this. It's your DH's plan and it's a lovely one. Three nights would be too much for me. I'd either go on the whole holiday without the DC or just have one romantic night away. Would be weird to know they're near and be away from them for three nights. But that's just how my mind works in terms of kid proximity/ability to forget about them and chill. Regardless, your DH is right and YABU to factor your sister's feelings into this. She's not relevant. It's your family holiday and your anniversary. She can do one.

Mummyoflittledragon · 25/02/2023 09:05

Bigbus · 25/02/2023 08:03

I have kids a similar age and I would not want to be going off and leaving them in the middle of a family holiday for three days. I think it’s odd and they would think it was odd too. So for me, it’s not about your sister. The whole idea would just make me feel uncomfortable. I would go and have a nice family holiday then on a separate occasion have a few nights away with DH. As you say, DH needs to accept the season that you are in. It won’t be forever.

This. Your 15 and 13 year old are going to be incredibly pissed off being baby sat in this way. Even 10 and 8 year olds go off for a bit with friends they meet on holiday. Just go off and do your own thing another time.

dogdaydown · 25/02/2023 09:07

Love your life, you can't change it for your sister!

dogdaydown · 25/02/2023 09:08

MMAMPWGHAP · 25/02/2023 08:56

Did your husband ask you before he spent your money on this?

Does he have to ask how he can spend his money?

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