AIBU to refuse babysitter on holiday?

[Aspire2Iron]

Our 20th anniversary is coming this summer and my husband has saved up and booked us a trip abroad to where we honeymooned. The kids are coming as it will be fun and educational.

My husband would love for 3 nights to be alone with me at the hotel where we honeymooned. To accomplish this, he wants to fly his brother along to watch the kids; he’ll put them up in a Airbnb in the vicinity.

The tricky part is I know my sensitive sister (who has always had bad luck and who has dealt with debilitating mental illness all her adult life) will be very hurt by this. She doesn’t get to travel as much as she’d like, and she loves being with our kids. But she’s definitely not up to the task of being responsible for them in a different country. Definitely. I don’t know that she’d admit that, but we know it to be so.

It is sweet that my husband wants this so much. He’s trying to be romantic. But the thought that I’d have to spin a story to my sister to soften the blow that my husband’s brother is the preferred travel companion has soured the idea for me completely. I have total dread. I don’t think I’ll even enjoy the alone time! What’s more, my sister aside, I think it’s a big spend to fly out a babysitter. I’d rather embrace the season we are in (with kids in tow) than engineer a ‘romantic’ but stressful time apart. Maybe we could swing time alone close to home, but time alone far from home sounds like more than I am able to do.

My husband thinks it’s unreasonable for me to let my sister’s potential hurt dictate how we live. It is true that she, my older sister, can lash out very harshly at me, so that probably does factor in, if I’m honest. But also, I can understand how she’d be hurt; she’s been dealt a harder hand than me and it’s not fair.

AIBU?

agree with DP, don’t let worry about her reaction stop you from enjoying the trip. You’ve said she clearly cannot do it.

It's ok someone has been along to try and intimate the DH is wrong...

Obviously, even doing nice things makes a DH wrong?

Your husbands idea sounds lovely and like it would be a lot of fun for your children.

You can not let the potential of your sister having a selfish reaction take away something so lovely for your family. You would be choosing to hurt your husband when his position is reasonable instead of your sister whose position is not reasonable and is incredibly selfish.

I’d have thought some discussion would be good. It’s not his money. It’s their money, jointly.
Just seems a bit controlling to me. What if the op had fancied going somewhere else?

Your husband is right. You need to tell your sister the truth, sounds like she wouldn’t want to do this anyway. And by all means plan a different trip with her but don’t let (what sounds like) your fear of her spoil this- it sounds like you and your kids will have a fab time. Incidentally I have a (lovely) disabled relative who simply can’t do things she would like to but she has had to learn to accept it- sure it’s not easy but no way would she expect everyone else to pander to her. So be clear but kind with your sister and your relationship will improve.

@StrawberryJam4Ever

whats that got to do with anything??!

I agree now I think about it, i would not book and pay for a holiday for both of us without discussing first it is not the same as one person buying themselves a new coat it whatever

If it isa joint event it should be a joint decision on what when where

You sister sounds very hard work and if I were your DH I would be annoyed you are putting her feeling before his. If your BiL law is willing and able then your sister shouldn’t even be a consideration. I do agree with you though it’s pretty unnecessary to even do this in the first place just to get some time alone which could be accomplished closer to home.

@Zonder

its 3 days out of the holiday to celebrate their anniversary as a couple. Which you know, they still are as well as parents. Parents need couple time too.

Quick ideas. If your budget permits why not do the romantic side of things as a separate city break, maybe Paris for 2 nights on Eurostar, leaving kids in uk with brother
Or see if you could arrange a local babysitter where you are going, for a few evenings out just you and DH.
I agree his idea comes with a lot of baggage.

So you would blow off a really lovely trip that your very lovely husband has organised and is willing to get his brother to come along so that you can really have a second honeymoon all because your sister might be hurt because she can't do it? Can't do any of it due to her illness?

You cannot let her be a third wheel in your marriage and by not going on this trip, that is what you're elevating her to be.

You are not in charge of how your sister feels, how your sister processes things, what your sister does. She is.

Life is too short to miss opportunities like the one your husband is arranging for you both.

This is something arranged by your husband. He has made the arrangements and has asked his own brother for a favour. This is all perfectly reasonable and has absolutely nothing to do with your sister. You don’t have anything to “spin”.

@Bigbus

did you miss the bit about it being their wedding anniversary?!
they have the option to celebrate as a couple in a lovely romantic way.
it won’t be odd for the kids but good for them to see their parents exist as people in their own right and that their parents relationship is important

Don't tell dsis before you go

When you get back you can tell her, dh arranged a wonderful surprise, etc

And you do need to work on your dsis relationship

@Gwen82

did you miss the bit about it being their wedding anniversary?!

they have the option to celebrate as a couple in a lovely romantic way.

it won’t be odd for the kids but good for them to see their parents exist as people in their own right and that their parents relationship is important

like you say, the kids are not that young, they can understand

Agree with your DH. Why would you even need to tell your Sister?

@MMAMPWGHAP

i bet he didn’t. So frivolous! That’s money that could have been spent on the kids!!

I’ve been married a similar length of time and, TBH, would prefer to keep it as a family holiday (if the kids are old enough, you could maybe feed them separately and just you two go out to dinner one or twice).

In your shoes, we would book two rooms at the honeymoon hotel, one for us and a twin for the DC (which we do on hols now anyway). There aren’t many activities that we would really want to do without the DC as we are quite adventurous and like to explore destinations together.

Getting to spend a few days at an AirBnB with your uncle is something a lot of teens would have fun with. Uncles and aunts are like grandparents - not as strict and can be a ton of fun. It isn't really being babysat. It is just a few days with family - but different family than your parents.

And where in the OP do you get the slightest hint that the Op is remotely keen or happy about the idea.

I personally wouldn’t like this idea in the slightest. Not because I don’t want time away from my children…. I’m on board with that! But not on a foreign family holiday with having to sort them at an air bnb with a relative for 3 days. Instead I’d prefer a weekend away when back.

but it would seem the husband wanted this and just… did it.

Just tell a little white lie and tell your sister (after the event) that your DH organises it as a surprise and you didn't know.

My husband would love for 3 nights to be alone with me at the hotel where we honeymooned.

and I’m guessing you don’t really OP?

I read this differently to the first few posts replying.

It read to me as though @Aspire2Iron wouldn’t enjoy 3 days abroad apart from your children, she likes the season of life she is in and would prefer to lean in to it than manufacture romance, and potentially feel stressed both by being apart from the kids and living up to the expectation of her DH after he’s gone to all the effort, expense and excitement. Add on the pressure of everyone being like “your husband is amazing, how can you not want to!”.

The sister stuff may be a red herring and there’s no point you and your DH getting into an argument about your relationship with your sister.

OP if you think you’d enjoy it, go for it, otherwise it would be very reasonable to say “thank you DH, what a lovely and thoughtful idea but I don’t think I would enjoy being apart from the kids there, I’d be happy to do a separate Uk break.”

Personally I’d hate the idea, just to add my opinion amongst the “your DH is amazing, just be grateful posts”, don’t feel like it’s abnormal to not jump at being apart from your kids abroad. Kids at home with people they know, in an environment they know, I’d be fine with.

Congratulations on 20 years marriage and kids, it takes hard work!

Those implying spending 3 nights away from your kids is somehow wrong, are you ok?

It's the OP and her DH's money to spend exactly how they like. Wether you would or not is irrelevant.

OP, as others have said, you can't live your life by others reactions. Someone mentioned coercive control and this is a good way to describe your relationship with your sister. Domestic abuse does not just happen between romantic partners.