AIBU to refuse babysitter on holiday?

[Aspire2Iron]

Our 20th anniversary is coming this summer and my husband has saved up and booked us a trip abroad to where we honeymooned. The kids are coming as it will be fun and educational.

My husband would love for 3 nights to be alone with me at the hotel where we honeymooned. To accomplish this, he wants to fly his brother along to watch the kids; he’ll put them up in a Airbnb in the vicinity.

The tricky part is I know my sensitive sister (who has always had bad luck and who has dealt with debilitating mental illness all her adult life) will be very hurt by this. She doesn’t get to travel as much as she’d like, and she loves being with our kids. But she’s definitely not up to the task of being responsible for them in a different country. Definitely. I don’t know that she’d admit that, but we know it to be so.

It is sweet that my husband wants this so much. He’s trying to be romantic. But the thought that I’d have to spin a story to my sister to soften the blow that my husband’s brother is the preferred travel companion has soured the idea for me completely. I have total dread. I don’t think I’ll even enjoy the alone time! What’s more, my sister aside, I think it’s a big spend to fly out a babysitter. I’d rather embrace the season we are in (with kids in tow) than engineer a ‘romantic’ but stressful time apart. Maybe we could swing time alone close to home, but time alone far from home sounds like more than I am able to do.

My husband thinks it’s unreasonable for me to let my sister’s potential hurt dictate how we live. It is true that she, my older sister, can lash out very harshly at me, so that probably does factor in, if I’m honest. But also, I can understand how she’d be hurt; she’s been dealt a harder hand than me and it’s not fair.

AIBU?

YABU. Your sisters mental state is not your problem.

This - the second sentence in particular is spot on. I understand wanting to be sensitive, but pandering to your sister is limiting your life and your husband's.

If you don't want to go, can I?

Your DH sounds fab, sign me up to be controlled if that's what is involved

@BakeOffRewatch

the kids are not babies
they do know their relative
they will not be in a dangerous country
it would be fine

if you genuinely wouldn't enjoy 3 days away from the kids, irrespective of your sister's views, then it's totally ok to assert yourself for your own sake. you don't have to go along with a plan you wouldn't enjoy.

But ywbvu to object to the plan solely because your sister would be upset. she shouldn't have that kind of control over you anyway, but the fact is that your DH's brother is not just being "given a free holiday" - he's being given an important and demanding job that your sister wouldn't be able to do, so there isn't an alternative viable plan that gives her a free holiday, so there's nothing for her to be upset about.

Yes but no where in the op does the op say or even hint that she wants to do it.

in fact she very explicit out states “my husband wants…”

This sounds like a truly lovely time away and you should absolutely do it!

You should have the conversation with your sister and let her know what is happening. Her reaction isn't your responsibility and though it's really hard (no one wants to actively cause hurt to their family!), you can't miss out on such a lovely time for fear of how someone else will react. I hope you go and have an amazing time!

My comment wasn’t about whether it would be fine - I said if the OP wants to, she should go for it. It’s about whether she is comfortable with it, and it is reasonable not to be and let her DH know. It’s her anniversary to enjoy too.

@Gwen82

shes not said anything about not wanting to go either…

Don't know if anyone has mentioned it but relying on a someone coming out at a specific time and date to watch the children assumes there will be not hiccups. No flight delays or cancellations, no illness interrupting travel. No person on flight causing flight to have to go elsewhere due to poor behaviour. Anything.

It is a bit risky even if OP was happy with it.

None of those things have ever happened to me. I don't think it's a high risk.

And there's an obvious back up if it did in that the OP and DH can just stay in the Airbnb

As vanishingly unlikely as all that is, OP and her DH could just keep the children with them if that happened? It's not even remotely risky.

You don’t think she might have alluded to wanting to go? Or said “we” want to go instead of just “my husband wants”

Fair enough no delays may happen.

Best thing would be to invite brother and sister. Both.

@Gwen82

any reluctance to go seems all about not wanting to upset her sister not about leaving her kids

I would refuse if I was the brother.. the sister sounds horrendous and it's a big favour as it is, it's not his sister

@Guis

no cos that might put brother off babysitting !

Best for who?
not the kids who have someone overbearing looking after them even though she isn’t up to the job

not best for the brother who has to spend time with an unpleasant adult while looking after children

not best for OP and DH who have double the cost for childcare

All that rather than stand up to an adult bully..

I’d rather embrace the season we are in (with kids in tow) than engineer a ‘romantic’ but stressful time apart.

hmmm doesn’t seem to me. Why put romantic in quotation marks. And she explicitly states what she would “rather” do

So his brother and her sister have to stay in a airbnb together? Do they get along?

Unless I have missed some other detail

@Gwen82

yeah but its not all about what she wants is it. Her husband is clearly wanting a bit of time just the two of them. There must be some compromise

“…my older sister, can lash out very harshly at me, so that probably does factor in, if I’m honest.”

Perfect opportunity to draw a line then. If she has a view on this - which would be unreasonable and none of her business - you can tell her that with knobs on. Don’t let her bully you any more - you’re a grown up married women with four kids for god’s sake! Why are you letting the fear of her rule your life?

To be honest having a holiday where my children have to be farmed off for part of it wouldn’t appeal to me at all regardless of who was babysitting. Regardless though, your husband organised it and he chose his (more stable?) brother. Don’t let your sister continue to be the ‘three of us in this marriage’ scenario or your dh will get sick and tired of it if he isn’t already.

Agreed.

IMO you either do a family holiday, or a couples holiday. The whole thing sounds overcomplicated even without the sister issue.

Exactly

compromise