To not want to be married to a man who’s married to his job

[Widowtoaworkaholic]

AIBU to think this is not normal?

Husband and I have been together since we were teens. Married now for almost 14 years, together for 17. 2 kids. He is ALWAYS thinking about work. If he’s not at work, he’s on his phone doing work stuff. The only times he’s not is if he’s asleep. I promise I’m not exaggerating. His phone starts beeping at 5am and stops when he goes to bed. If somebody isn’t messaging, he’s googling random work related stuff and refreshing his WhatsApp/emails. He has zero interest in us. He’s even stopped celebrating birthdays and valentines claiming they’re not important and he didn’t have time to pick up a card/present etc. He asks for sex once every 6 weeks or so and it’s very predictable almost like a biological clock that ticks at regular intervals across the year. He has no desire. He has no hobbies & doesn’t go out with friends. Most of his friends are colleagues or clients.

I feel like a single parent who receives maintenance. I often feel like a widow grieving the hypersonic I married. I’m expected to arrange my career and life around his. If the kids are ill, it’s me that has to drop everything. My career is expected to be subordinate to his. He turns up home when he feels like it. I never know if he’s eating at home or not. He will say he is leaving work in 15 mins and turn up home 3 hours later. There is no routine or stability. He works for his dad and no amount of hours he does is ever enough. He’s not a director or shareholder and gets the same salary irrespective of how many hours he works. He also periodically spends quite a lot of time away from home. His siblings do not work in the same he does yet they are all paid equally. When I say anything about how unhappy I am and how I didn’t sign up to live life this way, I’m made out to be unreasonable. His family are quite well respected and so I never tell anybody how unhappy I am or how dysfunctional our family set up feels. Please tell me if I’m being unreasonable or expecting too much.

It's so sad to know that so many of us have been through similar. I do love him but I don't like the person he's become. He tells me he loves me everyday but his actions are clearly very different. A few months ago he had an eye procedure which meant he was unable to use electronic screens and it was painful to be in any light for a few days. Sounds awful of me as he was in pain but those days were lovely. We ate together, had conversation and though stuck indoors we had fun. I suppose it comes back to the fact that he has choices and chooses everything else over us. I suggested couples therapy in Dec 2020 and he agreed. However, we only did 3 sessions before he started asking to rearrange etc.

I will look in to the affair situation as many of you have mentioned it but I really don't think he is. It won't harm me to check his phone. He doesn't have a separate work phone (and refuses to) and his WhatsApp for desktop is often left logged in on his laptop which is left at home as he uses a desktop when in the office. He's not secretive about anything he does or anywhere he goes either even when telling white lies e.g he will say he's on his way or 15mins away but our cars are connected to the same keyless entry app so if I wanted to I could just check the app and see where he is if I wanted to. I don't see many red flags for an affair. Sadly, I feel like an affair would be easier to digest if that is the reason for his behaviour.

My DH used to travel a lot for work and was sometimes away for two or three months, it drove me mad as I was stuck at home with four children. When he was at work he was completely wrapped up in it and we often didn't hear from him.
But when he was at home he was fully with us, doing more than his share with the DC.
So although it sometimes pissed me off it didn't make me resentful as it wasn't his fault, I always knew that this was what his job would entail.
I did feel that his employers should give him more time off when he was at home though and it sounds as though your FIL must be aware of the situation.

I'm also reflecting upon what I want in life. Financially - enough to holiday once a year, not have to worry about heating, housing or eating. I've had my time of enjoying nice things and they don't impress me. I've always worked even whilst studying. I purposely picked a job which offered commission whilst I was studying so that I could earn a full time salary on part time hours if I worked hard enough. Stability, security, affection and emotional availability are important to me hence why I am unhappy.

H is on a generous salary. However, this has only been the case since December 2020 and was the result of sibling fall outs and their demands rather than his. They refused to work for the same money H was and basically said if you expect us to work for you, we expect a decent salary in return. When we got married H was earning £15k per year, he then became regional manager and it went up to £20k before moving in to the operations side of the business and his salary staying at £30k for the remaining years and tripling. His dad liked financial control over him and we never complained/asked for more. I just made sure I always earned enough to make up for it. He genuinely has no interest in money or any idea of what things cost and for years he didn't know how much I earned exactly though I was earning more than him and paying school fees for our eldest as I wanted him to get extra attention at school as I felt he was missing out on this at home due to me working/studying and H being unavailable. H's dads company turns over £120m a year and their finances are good with relatively little debt so the low pay was deliberate. Since H received his significant pay rise, I earn a considerable amount less than he does.

OP commented that this has happened in the last eight years so clearly this tendency has grown and happened after they were married.

also people changed to make such a cutting judgment statement lacks empathy.

when I got together with my husband he most definitely wasn’t a workaholic - but his work responsibilities has greatly increased over the course of our relationship. Frankly we both work more hours than we should - but it seems to work for us. Shit happens, things change. Don’t be so judgey!

If I could even get him to just implement some boundaries such as having one day in the week where he's not a behaving this way and focusses on us and also going on holiday once a year and him being physically and emotionally present for it that would be be amazing. In the first few years of his behaviour being this way, it didn't affect me as much as I would look forward to our time away and he would genuinely switch off whilst we were away. It then started with him leaving his phone connected whilst we were away so being on it a lot to then arranging business meetings in the countries we were visiting and expecting us to spend some of our days entertaining clients/suppliers. Since that has started happening to our holidays and his work has permeated every aspect of our life, I no longer look forward to evenings, weekends or holidays.

Perhaps you need to get some photos out and reminisce about the past. Remind him what he used to say about not becoming his dad.

explain you need a husband who is present physically and emotionally as do his children.

be clear the situation is not sustainable for you and the children and he needs to think hard about what wants longterm.

perhaps a shock tactic, go off with the children on a break so when he returns from a trip you and the children aren’t there. Don’t tell him , he’s taking you all for grated.

I hope you manage to resolve this for you and your children’s sake.

As I said in my previous post, I don't think this is fixable - I think it's gone beyond that point. I think you'd have to leave him for him to reassess his life choices, and even then he still might not change. Theoretically, if he did change you could get back together, but would you want to?
Perhaps a temporary trial separation is the way to go.
Personally, if I was going to attempt to resolve it, I would insist on 2 weeks cold turkey from work, and weekly couple's counselling, and/or he gets his own counselling if he genuinely wants to work on his childhood/family issues, plus separate personal and work phones, protected time when work phone/laptop are turned off and maybe even locked away, etc. And if he didn't agree to that I'd be getting a divorce.
Honestly I don't know how you're not more angry, tbh, OP. 8 years of this? I'd be furious, not grateful for the scraps he gives me (as you sound).

Split with him! You’ve stated there are issues with him and his dad and you’re doing exactly the same to your kids by staying in this dysfunctional marriage.
“He asks for sex about every 6 weeks”… I’d be saying NO!!! If there’s no romance or kindness sod that!!
I know it’s scary when they’re your first and only… but don’t let that trap you in a dreadful relationship!
I’d move into the spare room if you have one, get up and do what makes you happy.. go out without him.
Id also tell him the kids need sharing more and if they’re sick he has to do his share.. especially since his boss is his dad and sounds like he can work from home easily

You aren’t being unreasonable but I think you have to be honest here. He’s checked out. He is choosing this. He is choosing not to spend time with you.

you both need an honest frank conversation.

After sharing my feelings, having a good cry and thinking he was finally listening, he said he would do one of them so that I wasn't having to do both as the youngest is also a little under the weather so I'd have rather not taken him with me. At 11:30, I received a text to say he got caught up with something and that I'd have to do both

This is appalling behaviour on his part, and quite frankly shows how far down his list of priorities, both you and the dc come. If you genuinely loved and cared for someone, and that person came to you in tears and asked for help, you'd move heaven and Earth to help, wouldn't you? He's just shown you who he is, believe him.

I am in a similar position. It is tough.

Me too
My DM has just passed away and seems like it's barely registered. Been away for work most of the week.

If he can't even find time to support me at the moment the writing is on the wall.

He’s playing away ?

It takes two to fix a problem. My DH has a job where he is on call and hdays, nights and weekends have been ruined. But he gets paid a lot for it. He also pulls his weight at home but I do get how you feel like a widow.
I would recommend you going to Relate on your own before doing anything else. See how you feel when you have talked things through for a few sessions and then make a decision. Big hugs x

Omg ! I can only virtually hug you, OP. I hope your DH realises what he has before it’s too late.

I'm so sorry for your loss 😔 I hope this thread and many others helps you to know you're not alone and can reach out for support. Whilst it might not be what you want and who you want it from. It can do you the world of good as it did me the night I was really struggling. Sending hugs X

I did something I would never normally do and I have you guys to thank for it.

I took my eldest and went out without a word about where and why etc. Youngest went down for a nap, H was in the shower and so I spontaneously decided to go out with the eldest. I knew of H's plans for the evening and my eldest had a bday party to attend later in the day (and I had to take him to) so I thought it would be the perfect opportunity to spend some 1-1 time and give H a taste of how it feels to be dumped on without warning. It didn't go down too well initially and I got a flurry of phone calls and texts. I responded calmly to say I'd gone out with the eldest and would be back before H was due to go out. He looked after the youngest for a total of 3 hours then dropped DC off to my in-laws and went to meet a client who was in town before he went straight out at 7:30. When I got home he kept saying I ran away and I again calmly said I didn't and that if what I did was running away then he must be living the life of a fugitive as he's constantly running away from us! Anyway, the wedding he attended wasn't due to finish until 10 but he came home for 9pm. Told me he missed me as I wasn't around today then went to bed as he was 'shattered'. It shouldn't feel like progress because it isn't but it was a big deal for me as I would never usually leave him and go out like that. I don't want to turn this into a tit for tat scenario but I think he does need a taste of his own medicine to give him a kick up the butt and help him voice what it is he really wants.

This was our lovely childminder's life. Really nice husband but never there as he was a senior corporate lawyer. She asked many times for him to look for something less pressured, but he didn't. Until she left him.

They are now divorced and have a much better relationship. He has his daughters EOW so doesn't work then. So his daughters actually get to see him. Previously he was gone before they got up and home after they were on bed. Often worked at the weekends too. But not now as he has to be home to look after them. He's actually happier too. It was a wake up call.

Well done op, baby steps at this point

Have you asked him what his plans at

Sorry pressed post too soon...

Have you asked him what his plans are for today? Might be worth telling him that today is a family day, and that he's got until 10.30 am today to sort work and then if he disappears or picks his laptop/phone up for the rest of they day, you'll be leaving him with both dc for the whole of Saturday next weekend. Strike whilst the iron is hot!

Well done OP. I would start behaving like you were married to a normal husband and father, give him more stuff to get on with.

Honestly I don't think forcing his hand is a good idea. You are clearly a great mum. He is not a great dad. He will not change. He doesn't want to, he knows what you want and he is not prepared to be that person.

Its hard enough for you being a wife to this man, it must be really shit for the children. I would worry about forcing him to look after them as its going to affect their self esteem each time he palms them off on in laws and shows them his attitude.

Don't try and change him. Just end it. You aren't even 40 years old, you probably have another 50 or 60 years to live, don't do it tethered to this wanker!!

This.
I’d be tempted to tell him you’re not happy and want change… if he says ‘what you gonna do about it’ as he has previously I would say, ‘We will separate because I can’t stay with this version of you!’
If he doesn’t change for the better, start doing your own thing with the DC, meet up with single friends who have kids your DC ages and have fun with them! Let your husband get on with his sad life! Then get yourself some legal advice.

I would literally book yourself a holiday, tell him you’re booking it and ask if he wants to come.. at this point lay down boundaries and say ‘if you’re going to arrange business or spend time working during the holiday then I don’t want you there!!… and do it! Book a holiday without him.. or if he agrees tell him that if this year ‘something comes up’ you’ll be going ahead without him…. If while you’re away he suggests ‘entertaining clients’ tell him NO!!… say we are on holiday and make it very clear if he wants to entertain you and the boys will be out that day on a day trip swimming with dolphins or something!!
His work has taken over your life, but some of that is because you as a family have failed to set boundaries… if he says he’s on way home and then doesn’t arrive home for 3 hours, I’d be refusing to cook for him again, tell him that behaviour is disrespectful and he either gets home and eats with you all or he eats at work, you need to set some boundaries and tell him this is what you’re going to do about it!!
honestly I’d put my foot down, you do have some of the control, you just aren’t empowered!…. My ex husband when we went on holiday wasn’t interested in what we wanted to do, he’d sit poolside most of the time while I played with our daughter or he’d moan about the sun and we’d have to do things he wanted or he’d sulk… so for the last 3 years I’ve booked and paid for just me and my DD to go away… we’ve had a better time without him!
Its incredibly sad and I feel like a failure but we are now divorcing, it’s amicable.. but in 7 months since he left he’s seen DD once and that was the equivalent of a day!
my H wasn’t a workaholic though, but was always on tech and never wanted to do the same as us… when we holidayed he’d get out the pool and we’d stay in, his days off we had to go shopping with him… and be bored, even during covid I homeschooled while he was at work, so when he was on nights we did a bit in the evening and the rest while he was in bed, if he worked weekends we did school work then… all so when he was home we could walk .. everything was always about him… my DD says I should’ve left him years ago!! Very sad.

You have been married for years, and he’s going to a wedding on his own ???
did I read that right?
who meets clients at night still?
I am really sorry but I think he’s having some kind of affair,
and if you start to break out of his control , seems like that’s what’s going on ,
he will kick off for sure .
I would be checking his phone and turning up to his work when he’s says he’s working late