To not want to be married to a man who’s married to his job

[Widowtoaworkaholic]

AIBU to think this is not normal?

Husband and I have been together since we were teens. Married now for almost 14 years, together for 17. 2 kids. He is ALWAYS thinking about work. If he’s not at work, he’s on his phone doing work stuff. The only times he’s not is if he’s asleep. I promise I’m not exaggerating. His phone starts beeping at 5am and stops when he goes to bed. If somebody isn’t messaging, he’s googling random work related stuff and refreshing his WhatsApp/emails. He has zero interest in us. He’s even stopped celebrating birthdays and valentines claiming they’re not important and he didn’t have time to pick up a card/present etc. He asks for sex once every 6 weeks or so and it’s very predictable almost like a biological clock that ticks at regular intervals across the year. He has no desire. He has no hobbies & doesn’t go out with friends. Most of his friends are colleagues or clients.

I feel like a single parent who receives maintenance. I often feel like a widow grieving the hypersonic I married. I’m expected to arrange my career and life around his. If the kids are ill, it’s me that has to drop everything. My career is expected to be subordinate to his. He turns up home when he feels like it. I never know if he’s eating at home or not. He will say he is leaving work in 15 mins and turn up home 3 hours later. There is no routine or stability. He works for his dad and no amount of hours he does is ever enough. He’s not a director or shareholder and gets the same salary irrespective of how many hours he works. He also periodically spends quite a lot of time away from home. His siblings do not work in the same he does yet they are all paid equally. When I say anything about how unhappy I am and how I didn’t sign up to live life this way, I’m made out to be unreasonable. His family are quite well respected and so I never tell anybody how unhappy I am or how dysfunctional our family set up feels. Please tell me if I’m being unreasonable or expecting too much.

*grieving the man I married

This is awful, I'm sorry. What's keeping you with him?

You aren’t being unreasonable no.

What do you think the source of the workaholism is? It can be a way of dealing with anxiety or avoidance of intimacy.

I would make a plan of how you’d leave if that’s what you wanted to do (so pull your financials and see a solicitor), and then have a proper discussion with him. Don’t waste your life on this.

In all honesty. I'm not sure. Partly fear of the unknown - he's all I've ever known. Partly hope that he will go back to the person he used to be though he has been like this for the last 8 years or so. I think he knows that I'm scared of leaving him as he often says, if you don't like it, what are you going to do about it? As if I'm the person that can resolve it. I do everything I can to try and have a normal life for the kids but I can't see what he thinks I should do aside from shut up and get on with it without complaining.

His dad isn't the nicest of people. I do wonder whether there's an element of childhood trauma/daddy issues. His dad is a workaholic too and I feel like my husband is similar so it could be some way of trying to get his dads approval and/or attention... I'm not sure. My husband claims to not remember much of his childhood. There are no photos of him as a child either but he's definitely not adopted or anything like that. He never talks about his childhood either which is strange. I only know his life from the age of 14.

What's the purpose of the company and the services it offers ?

I am in two minds, really.

If you didn't want to marry a workaholic, why did you marry one?

My dad was a workaholic (still is), and my mum was fine with it. She benefited from it, as did we. But she didn't marry a workaholic and then expect him to work 9-5. What do you think you did sign up to, when you say you didn't sign up to this? Did you think he was a different person?

I would wonder more whether a relationship that's been ongoing since you were teenagers is a relationship that is likely to survive adulthood. Most teenagers move don't end up married to the person they were dating back then. Most people are very different from their teenage selves.

My DH was like this for years...
he's my exDH now

This is not ok. Your feelings and life matter too. He probably won't change so I'd look at leaving.

It's a large scale company- around 250 staff that work for the business so plenty of people that can be delegated to. Also it's rare for anything to genuinely be urgent enough that it requires immediate attention or him in particular but he behaves like it does. I can't be too specific but think along the lines of retail/wholesale supply chain services. I'm not trying to minimise his work duties but just trying to explain.

I also thought it might be unresolved issues carried forward from his childhood relationship with his Dad. Is his family of origin dysfunctional as well- the Dad a narcissist patriarch type at all? Could you have a firm word with your husband and make it clear you're very unhappy and the workaholism has got completely out of control - but address it from a point of view of concern for him too, and suggest to work through the background to it all in therapy?

I can see where you're coming from but in all honesty, he wasn't like this when we got married or when we were dating. He wasn't like this when my oldest child was born either. It's something that has developed over time. He also spent many years saying he did not want to become like his dad yet essentially that is what he has become.

When we chose to get married and start life together, we talked about wanting a happy home with children, holidays and happy memories. The last 2 holidays we managed to go on have involved him being in the hotel room or on the sun lounger on his laptop meanwhile I do activities with the kids. The other holiday/breaks got cancelled as 'he had too much on' at work. Just to clarify these aren't all holidays in the same year. E.g he was meant to be off for a few days between Xmas and New Year and we were supposed to have a u.k city break. He cancelled and only took off Xmas day as everything was closed. He never took his paternity leave and rarely uses his annual leave allowance too.

Do you work too?

That's understandable, much appreciated, I guess sometimes everyone needs a hobby or passion and I guess your dh is workaholic.

I do. Although I chose to compromise my career for his- I work as an in-house solicitor for relatively low pay in return for flexible working as it means I can pick up the kids and juggle family life. He's often up and down/in and out of the country so I do almost all the errands for the kids. I graduated with a first class honours degree and was picked for an internship with a magic circle firm in the city. I wasn't able to go as H said he couldn't look after the LO. Me working is an inconvenience to him.

I think you might be right. His dad is definitely the patriarch type... he thought I was too 'modern' and wanted my husband to marry a 'traditional' wife who would be happy to simply look after the home and kids whilst her husband went to work and brought home an income. Of course, he only told me that after we got married.

What’s the housing situation? It sounded like if you just asked him not to come home again you wouldn’t notice. The only reason you’d remember his name 48 hours later would be becasue you had a long if not great history together and because you were still savouring not having to nag a husband too. Ditto if you left you wouldn’t notice he hadn’t come with you! I’d be planning to leave. He can be a sad little workaholic with no life; or he might even regularly take an afternoon off on a weekend to see his children!

We bought a new home not long ago- I put in 20%, he put in 30% and the rest is mortgaged. We currently live in a property owned by his dad. I know if we were to split, he wouldn't leave me financially destitute. He really doesn't care about money whatsoever and would happily work for free.

When H is away, he misses us more than we miss him. I feel bad admitting it but sometimes I feel a sense of relief when he's away as I'm not expecting or hoping for anything so don't feel any disappointment. E.g I don't expect that he will call to see how we are so if he does, it's a bonus. I know for sure he's not going to be home for dinner so don't have to plan for just in case he does and then be disheartened when he doesn't show up. He usually goes away for between 3 days and 2 weeks at a time.

I tried to bring up the subject again this evening as I was really upset but he's snoring blissfully and I'm awake stressing over how I can break this toxic cycle. When I bring it up, he say sorry then continues with the same behaviour or turns it upon me and asks me what I want though I've told him what I want and then asks me what I plan to do about it despite the fact that I'm not the person in control.

YANBU

He obviously has no intention of changing has he OP?
I think that’s pretty obvious now.

Which leaves you with 2 options:

1 Get your ducks in a row with intention to divorce him.
2 Accept him as he is and stay where you are.

It would be option 1 for me.
Life is too short.

YANBU, I'm so sorry OP. It must feel stressful when he has horrid days

Thank you everybody. I'm somewhat relieved to realise that I am NBU to feel the way I do and that it is genuinely abnormal to have to put up with this behaviour. I don't have the courage to leave right now but it's given me food for thought and I think I might undergo some therapy to work on myself and get to a place whereby I could consider leaving.

People like this never change. You married a workaholic, and not a very nice one at that, and now you are acting surprised, but it's always been this way, and the warning signs were actually there, his dad the way he too behaves. You just chose not to see it before. Why?

I think your life would be happier and more peaceful if you divorced.

I left 12 years ago, not a regret in my body

As soon as someone says to you, the equivalent of 'what are you gonna do about it' or 'leave if you like', what that means is that they've actually subconsciously already thought about it. they know what they're doing isn't right and that you have every right to leave, but it also means that they know that you are not going to leave. It's a power struggle thing.

It's very clear he can't change. He doesn't know any other way. So really that leaves you with your choices which are to stay or leave. TBH it sounds to me like you're on your own anyway, and the benefit of leaving is that you won't have to deal with the disappointment of his behaviour. I honestly think you'll be much happier. Good luck.