To not want to be married to a man who’s married to his job

[Widowtoaworkaholic]

AIBU to think this is not normal?

Husband and I have been together since we were teens. Married now for almost 14 years, together for 17. 2 kids. He is ALWAYS thinking about work. If he’s not at work, he’s on his phone doing work stuff. The only times he’s not is if he’s asleep. I promise I’m not exaggerating. His phone starts beeping at 5am and stops when he goes to bed. If somebody isn’t messaging, he’s googling random work related stuff and refreshing his WhatsApp/emails. He has zero interest in us. He’s even stopped celebrating birthdays and valentines claiming they’re not important and he didn’t have time to pick up a card/present etc. He asks for sex once every 6 weeks or so and it’s very predictable almost like a biological clock that ticks at regular intervals across the year. He has no desire. He has no hobbies & doesn’t go out with friends. Most of his friends are colleagues or clients.

I feel like a single parent who receives maintenance. I often feel like a widow grieving the hypersonic I married. I’m expected to arrange my career and life around his. If the kids are ill, it’s me that has to drop everything. My career is expected to be subordinate to his. He turns up home when he feels like it. I never know if he’s eating at home or not. He will say he is leaving work in 15 mins and turn up home 3 hours later. There is no routine or stability. He works for his dad and no amount of hours he does is ever enough. He’s not a director or shareholder and gets the same salary irrespective of how many hours he works. He also periodically spends quite a lot of time away from home. His siblings do not work in the same he does yet they are all paid equally. When I say anything about how unhappy I am and how I didn’t sign up to live life this way, I’m made out to be unreasonable. His family are quite well respected and so I never tell anybody how unhappy I am or how dysfunctional our family set up feels. Please tell me if I’m being unreasonable or expecting too much.

You deserve love, OP

Get rid. Life is too short.

Is there a change he's having an affair?

Yanbu x

I think people like this can change, but it usually takes something major like a health problem or you leaving them. Some people can't. I think you can't rely on him changing and need to do what makes you happy. Life is too short to be lonely, unfulfilled and unappreciated in a relationship. It's also a vicious circle as kids see this and can often end up in problematic relationships themselves as they don't have a point of reference as to what an emotionally healthy relationship looks like.

Call his bluff & leave… if you can, stay with family or friends so you aren’t paying out loads

if kids are old enough you can leave them at home with him and just send him a message saying that as you’ve tried to explain several times, you are effectively not in a relationship and so you are taking a well earned break from doing ALL of the parenting for a bit so he needs to do his share until you’re back

if the kids are too young to do that then obvi take them with you

good luck

Thank you so much. I really needed to hear a lot of what you've all said as in all honesty I didn't know whether I was being unreasonable and should just count myself thankful that I have a H who provides for us. For me, a marriage/family was never meant to be about provision or financial security as I know that I can achieve that on my own if I needed to. I have seen things in a different light today. One of our children had a swim session and the other had a hockey match 50 miles away an hour after the others swim session finished. After sharing my feelings, having a good cry and thinking he was finally listening, he said he would do one of them so that I wasn't having to do both as the youngest is also a little under the weather so I'd have rather not taken him with me. At 11:30, I received a text to say he got caught up with something and that I'd have to do both. I can't let this continue otherwise it will never end. It's not fair on me or the kids as I'm constantly trying to compensate. Thank you all for listening. I found last night really tough as it felt like a sudden realisation of reality.

Unfortunately you can't fix his problems. Only he can if he wants to fix them. And reading your post he doesn't seem that bothered. Get some good free if poss legal advice and seriously consider your future x luck 🍀❤️🙏

I don't think so. I don't know where and when he would fit it in. I am also generally very good at knowing when he's lying - false promises not so much though! Their industry is primarily men and so is the make up of their company. It shouldn't be but it is - I suspect due to my FIL's patriarchal views.

That seems totally unreasonable. His absence from your home and your life sounds selfish. He is leaving you to bring up your kids on your own. He needs to understand that his behaviour is totally incompatible with being in a marriage.

YANBU but I doubt he will change. If you threaten him with leaving he'll probably go himself.

YANBU I had a boss just like this also working for the families business. I just concluded it was because they believed the business would one day be theirs so work became an obsession.

Either way it’s not conducive to family life, I never encourage splitting a family but you know what you can withstand long term and I am sure that is what’s on your mind ♥️

Speaking from experience, my ex husband was a workaholic. Owning his own business he was making millions while also working in a senior capacity at his employer. Yes he had two jobs.

The workaholic part wasn’t an issue. It was his infidelity and insecurities which killed our marriage. He made a lot of money and it enabled me hire the help I needed to buy childcare and work. He was the alpha in the driving seat and I took the passenger seat and found fulfillment in my role of keeping the family ticking, supporting the business and building my own career. Two people can’t drive a car and you wouldn’t demand a F1 driver to sit in the passenger seat. That doesn’t mean you should be a doormat either.

@Oblomov23 have you read ANY of her responses???? She quite clearly stated that he wasn’t like this for many years🤦🏼‍♀️

So his resolution to help / change didn’t even last one day.

OP, you are an intelligent woman, as well qualified as any man ( the fact that you are good enough to work for this patriarchal family shows that). But you are being expected to behave like a Wife in a society where women are not educated and have no function except as housewife and mother.

I think the first thing to do is get a job outside the family firm. That will do your self confidence and independence a lot of good. If it inconveniences ‘the family’ tough. You seem to have plenty of money between you, you can buy in childcare, domestic help too.

maybe once you’ve spread your wings, you will fly away, maybe you will find that your DH gets the wake up call he needs.

I wish you strength and courage, and a good outcome.
xx

I think you need to ask yourself exactly what you get out of this relationship. From what you say, it doesn't sound as if there's much. Does he support you emotionally? Is he a good father? It doesn't sound like it. And what example is he setting your children? I don't know what age they are but do you want them to grow up thinking this is how marriages are? It sounds as if you would be well capable of supporting yourself and the children and that your career might even develop without the trappings of an unsatisfactory marriage. Only you can decide but I really wouldn't waste any more years on a relationship that seems to be doing nothing but cause you pain. Believe me, the longer you leave it the more difficult it will be to put an end to it.

Do you still love him? If he was suddenly to change his ways and spend more time with the family would you welcome that? If the answer is yes, then it would be a really good idea to get both individual and couples counselling. If you no longer care about him or what he does after years of being low on his priority list then I'd get myself financially secure, attend counselling solo in preparation for such a life change and then leave.

My DH got like this in a very short space of time.
He works in the city and his commute is 2.5 hours from door to door. He goes out around 5.30am and gets home roughly 7.30.
He started going in earlier and coming home later, was glued to his phone constantly. He would sit in bed till gone midnight on his laptop. Then do it all again the next day.
I had no idea what was happening; did he not love me any more, was he unhappy, was there someone else...? It had been about 7 months and I finally just worked up the courage to ask. He was soo shocked that I would think that. We had a long and very frank discussion, I told him this is not the life I signed up for and I didn't want to live like strangers. It had been months since we'd had any kind of physical contact. I was soo unhappy. He was too.
He went into work the next day and told his boss he couldn't work like that any more, it was affecting his relationship and he hadn't even realised.
Everyone has the capacity to change or improve, unfortunately some people just won't. If I were you, I'd have one more go at talking it through then make serious plans to leave.
I hope you find some happiness, I know you must be feeling so awful right now. You sound like a supportive wife tho and a good mum just trying to make the best of a difficult situation.
I wish you luck x

YABU to say you feel like a widow: your husband is still alive, he just sounds like an utter knob.

YANBU about the situation in general though. I know it’s tough but I would leave him - you deserve better than a half life with someone who isn’t interested. Good luck OP x

I feel sorry for you OP.
Is it the industry he is in that’s like that or just office culture?

I’ve worked at a place like you describe people constantly on emails and calls. I did that too for three yrs then got lots of health issues and quit. Found a bigger team to work in ,had to compromise on title but way better work life balance

maybe he needs to change his role or Job but first start with therapy. Else it will impact his self esteem.

not an easy road whatever you choose. Best wishes

I’ve separated from DH for different reasons but fundamentally the same problem - a reluctance to change. Me doing everything, being let down again and again.

Me realising I was happier when he was away was the first step towards separation. It took a year or so from that point, I’m financially struggling but I have no regrets that we’re not together because I realise he had to want to change and he wasn’t going to do that while I was making his life run nice and smoothly, picking up all the pieces.

I don’t think he will change at the moment, but I have known a number of men like this that get divorced and then reinvent themselves as a hands on daddy in a second marriage in their 50s.

You are obviously an intelligent woman, but you are giving him too much of your power. You need to leave him with the children, get your car keys and start going out. If he doesn’t change he will need to get used to looking after them himself after you split up anyway. It sounds harsh, but you have already tried the reasonable way and it isn’t working.

So many red flags for an affair though. Working late, letting you down at the last minute etc. I'd open my mind to that possibility.

Hi love -

wow, I could have written your post exactly. Im also an in house solicitor who left the bright lights of partnership in a us firm to support my husband - what I didn’t realise is that in doing so it gave him the geeen light (as soon as we had our daughter) to essentially use his work as an excuse to put anything and everything before his family - ohhhh but if you ever complained or asked to spend some time I’d always hear that he was working to secure us a great future - he was working in a restaurant business that was being primed for growth and sale to a large hospitality company, low and behold having sacrificed so much time, friends, holiday, lack of time with husband etc, my own career, you name it - plus used all my hard earned savings to support us whilst he prioritised growing the business, two weeks before it eventually sells out, he left me. Completely and utterly. Tried to get me to put our famiLy home up for sale within a fortnight of him suddenly leaving, stopped paying the mortgage, refused to pay bills etc - he has completely abandoned his three year old daughter - not seen her or even asked to since July - me on the other hand I’m totally frazzled , I am struggling in every way, my job is being flexible as possible but solo parenting is so tough.

i can’t say he’ll do the same but these guys don’t think twice of leaving you in the shit - mine claims all his “hard work and graft” means “I am not entitled to a penny of his sale proceeds or shares” - selfish selfish selfish men, please protect yourself. Sooner rather than later.

That's really hard. In a similar situation here, married to a CEO of a company and my DH working hours can be relentless, especially recently. However, the difference is he makes time for me and our DC. He will come home for tea and bath time, then go back to work on the home office. He will take Sundays off to have family days out. We still do valentines, birthdays etc and I feel I am a priority as he always updates me on if he's away for work, what time he will be home etc.

I don't feel his job is an excuse to treat you that way, sorry. Sounds as though you have both checked out.