To not want to be married to a man who’s married to his job

[Widowtoaworkaholic]

AIBU to think this is not normal?

Husband and I have been together since we were teens. Married now for almost 14 years, together for 17. 2 kids. He is ALWAYS thinking about work. If he’s not at work, he’s on his phone doing work stuff. The only times he’s not is if he’s asleep. I promise I’m not exaggerating. His phone starts beeping at 5am and stops when he goes to bed. If somebody isn’t messaging, he’s googling random work related stuff and refreshing his WhatsApp/emails. He has zero interest in us. He’s even stopped celebrating birthdays and valentines claiming they’re not important and he didn’t have time to pick up a card/present etc. He asks for sex once every 6 weeks or so and it’s very predictable almost like a biological clock that ticks at regular intervals across the year. He has no desire. He has no hobbies & doesn’t go out with friends. Most of his friends are colleagues or clients.

I feel like a single parent who receives maintenance. I often feel like a widow grieving the hypersonic I married. I’m expected to arrange my career and life around his. If the kids are ill, it’s me that has to drop everything. My career is expected to be subordinate to his. He turns up home when he feels like it. I never know if he’s eating at home or not. He will say he is leaving work in 15 mins and turn up home 3 hours later. There is no routine or stability. He works for his dad and no amount of hours he does is ever enough. He’s not a director or shareholder and gets the same salary irrespective of how many hours he works. He also periodically spends quite a lot of time away from home. His siblings do not work in the same he does yet they are all paid equally. When I say anything about how unhappy I am and how I didn’t sign up to live life this way, I’m made out to be unreasonable. His family are quite well respected and so I never tell anybody how unhappy I am or how dysfunctional our family set up feels. Please tell me if I’m being unreasonable or expecting too much.

My exh is a policeman, he got like this and I wouldn't see him for days at a time and never knew when he would be home. I made career choices and turned down opportunities so that I could be there for DD as he wasn't. I gave up trying to arrange for us to do things as it would have to be planned around shifts and even then not guaranteed he wouldn't end up working. In the end I just couldn't live like it and I left. He even told me that me being diagnosis with a chronic illness was getting in thr way of his career. He had always been a bit selfish and self absorbed but once he joined the police he became someone I didn't recognise. I've told him while it makes no difference to him now one day he will realise that the people he works with are colleagues and not friends and he will be alone, his answer was I deal with that then its nit a problem now. He also had an affair with a colleague though denies it even to this day. Mu advice would be don't waste any time thinking it will change it won't.

I don't really have a lot of advice to give, just sympathy. My husband only became a workaholic when I fell, by accident, pregnant with our 4th child. To be blunt he wondered if we'd gone 1 too far after we had our first, but accepted having a second. We fought tooth and nail over the third (when we met I'd always stated I wanted a large family) but I accepted I'd already pushed him too hard. He asked me terminate our 4th and when I refused I did wonder if I would lose him. It's not that he doesn't like children, but he finds the responsibility for ensuring they have a good life overwhelming. My our youngest was 2 he found a compromise and now works abroad 80% of the year. DC4 is now 13.5!

Would you consider couple’s therapy before breaking up?

I suspect he doesn’t change because he knows you won’t do anything about it. In his view, why does he need to?

I expect if you made plans to leave, this maybe the the jolt that he would need and know you were serious or maybe he just doesn’t really care anymore 🤷‍♀️

You will only know when you make a proper stand.

Hope you get the answer you want.

My partner of 25 years was the same , turned out he was also having an affair for 25 years!
I thought he was always at work etc
constantly working when home etc
not saying your husband is the same
but I so wish I had got my life back years before.
life is short and your happiness, is ultimately
better for your kids to .
put you first then them , and put him same place he puts you bottom of your list

I am not sure if I understand what the compromise your DH made, he got it even better and had the opportunity to further commit to work.

@Widowtoaworkaholic - I did marriage therapy with a v good therapist (didn’t work we got divorced). But he said in essence that the vast majority of marriage breakdowns can be traced to one or both prioritising “something” else over their partnership - so hobby, work, children (interestingly), alcohol. It can never survive that healthily long term even though short term certain things might trump the partnership.
workaholism is the most toxic escapism of all - it is a “worthy” addiction and can be hard to reproach. But you are entitled to more from life.

There are great returners programmes for women in law who want to get back to private practice. He WONT be able to leave you destitute should you divorce.

I second writing him a clearly worded letter particularly following his complete let down today. Tell him you’ve reached the end of the road. Tell him he said he didn’t want to be his father. Tell him he is - but worse. At least his father was working like a maniac for his OWN business. He is slaving like that as an employee.
State your terms - the sabbatical suggestion above was good. Plus therapy. Good luck.

Don’t put up with this any longer. There need to be clear consequences to his behaviour and neglect.

@Oblomov23 you are not a very nice person, are you?

You have a tough decision to make. Do you still love him?

If so, lay your cards out to him. He changes or you're leaving. When you've left and he has the children 50% of the time, he'll need to change his lifestyle anyway.
Tell him you prefer it when he's not there, how much all of this is affecting you and the children, really lay it all out.

However if you've had enough and don't love him anymore, just leave. Life's too short to be unhappy

Sounds like he may be looking for respect / acceptance from his father if emulating his behaviour, but not an excuse.

From what you've said you would like him to be there more for you and the family, I would suggest councelling for him / you both. If he refuses to go along then you have a choice, put up with it, stay and find what you need elsewhere, or move on completly.

Anyone that says 'if you don't like it...' doesn't sounds like someone I'd want to be with. Very selfish.

It might be scary but time for ultiatems I think.

I think therapy for yourself or together may be your best options. I don’t know if you can get him to listen to you. But it sounds like you need a serious conversation.

I guess you’re early 30s if you met at 14 and have been together 17 years. You’re highly qualified and you’ve got the having kids thing out of the way already. If you divorce your husband now, the world is your oyster. You could build your career, date, find a better man, or stay single and enjoy single life. Your husband will either step up as a dad with shared custody and you will have some child free time, or he’ll continue to be useless and you’ll be no worse off.

Youve tried talking about it with him and that’s not going anywhere. We all fail our partners sometimes but if he’s been like this for 8 years and still not even acknowledging the issue, he’s not going to change.

Cut your losses and leave him while you are still in a great position to build a new life.

No real advice but I can somewhat relate - teenage sweethearts, married 15 years.. husband became a workaholic around the time DC2 was born, very money orientated, working weekends too. He'd rarely take time off work as he didn't want to lose money (self-emp) so days out and holidays were a no go as not only would they cost but he'd also lose wages. He absolutely wasn't like this prior to DC2 being born. I put up with it, I looked at it as him providing for us. He left for another woman when the youngest was 4. She had no responsibilities and they were out all the time. Took 2 holidays in their first year alone. Rarely sees his kids. I've deduced from his actions (past and present) that he must have been struggling with responsibility, even though our responsibilties we're all planned? Anyway, we've managed on our own and we're actually so much happier for it!

OP,

You desperately need to take a good hard look at yourself.

It is unbelievable that you would be repeatedly cooking for someone who doesn't turn up half the time.

He has zero respect or regard for you, but you have none for yourself either, tolerating this treatment for yourself or your children.

Your set up is not normal.

You are the house skivvy/au pair that even the most basic of courtesies which one might give to an employee, don't even apply.

This is an awful environment for your children, seeing how little they and the family matter to him.

Get some therapy and start fixing yourself and your lack of self esteem.

Forget him, he has clearly made his choice.

Save yourself and your children.

Do you want them marrying and choosing such disfunction in their own lives?

You deserve better.
Your children deserve better.

You need to make better choices.

In the meantime, stop being his skivvy.

As @ShimmeringShirts rightly spelt out for you, stop cooking or doing laundry or anything else for that selfish man.

You should not be tolerating this bullshit for your children.

Before the pandemic this was the life I was living with my husband then during the pandemic he lost his job and he became obsessed with his hobby instead. Unfortunately, for me I gave up my career because financially I didn’t need to work so I became a SAHM, a big regret because if I had my career I would have just got up and left but he knew I wouldn’t because of disrupting the children and because I would have found it financially difficult. I had CBT and I’ve even started to wonder if he has ADHD as he displays all the traits however he refuses to acknowledge it and he refuses marriage counselling. Basically I’m biding my time at the moment because he isn’t going to change.

Honestly don't see the benefit of staying with him if you are happier when he's away. You are essentially a single parent anyway, so leaving won't affect your day-to-day too much. What it will give you though is peace from the constant frustration and anxiety related to his absence and lack of input into family life, because once you are no longer married his failure to meet those needs is no longer an issue.
Whether he steps up and makes time for the children after a split is another matter altogether, doesn't sound like he's an involved dad anyway. Can't see him beating down your door for access.

I broke up with my boyfriend, who I'd been with since I was 15, at 21, because I could forsee this dynamic in my future.
He worked for his dad too. Incredibly hard working and now, at 40, I'm sure a multi- millionaire by virtue of inheriting the business with his brothers. But I was at Uni trying to make something of myself and it was always very apparent that there was no point - his job would always come first. Because it was a family business it dominated every minute of every day. If we socialised with his parents or brothers, which we did often, it was the sole topic of conversation.
I'll always remember, he was given a chunk of money towards his first house - our first house. We bought flat pack furniture and he left me to assemble it. He was too tired from work apparently. I thought "what young person wouldn't be excited to assemble furniture for their first ever home!" And I could see a lonely future ahead of me.
If I'm being totally honest, it's swung a little too much in the opposite direction with my DH, who I've been with for 18 years. I'm the breadwinner, the saver, the practical one, and at times I feel I'm bearing a huge weight of responsibility.
I sometimes look back misty eyed at the thought of being with a 'provider', but quickly realise I'd be gutted to have missed out on my opportunity to fulfil my potential because I was playing seconded fiddle to a man.
Sorry OP, I don't mean to be unkind, you can't have everything and we have to weigh up the pros and cons with all situations don't we.

The sooner you get out of this relationship the better. Believe me, time goes so quickly before you know where you are life will have passed you by and you’ll be full of regret. I wish now I hadn’t wasted years of my life in an unhappy marriage. You’re a highly qualified Solicitor - you could get a good, well paid job in a heartbeat. Please, find the courage and go and get a life. I wish you luck.

This sounds like he has repressed his childhood. If it was traumatic, maybe a cold hearted Dad? It could be repressed trauma. Your husband might need counselling, but you need to sit down and tell him you're leaving and why, how you feel, how this isn't normal etc and maybe show him the messages on this thread.

It sounds a lot like he fears his Dad and he's looking for validation from his Dad by working this way? Especially if he cannot or will not remember his childhood? There might be something going on there, or he's just highly influenced by his family and he doesn't know any different.

Ask him why he married you and if he feels the same now as he did at the start, and if he doesn't why is he keeping you around?

Make him answer you as well. Give him the table to talk.

Definitely would leave him, either way. Tell him to enjoy being permanently alone on the way out thr door while you will be finding someone worthy of you.

I've been married to a workaholic for over 20 years, and many of the posts on this thread resonate with me.

We started off in the same job along the same career path, and were both quite ambitious. When we had DC (planned), something had to give and that something was my career. H is now a high-flyer, and I've taken a sideways move onto a pathway that is not as well-paid and is harder to progress in without large investments of time, which I don't have.

He works all the time, by which I mean all day and into the night until 3-4am, 7 days a week. The first thing he does every morning is turn on his computer. He insists on working in the middle of the main living area, which means that the DC see him perpetually working. He has no hobbies or friends. I do 99% of domestic and child-related tasks, including the ones which are traditionally masculine like DIY and car maintenance. I work full-time but can't really put in the extra hours needed to progress, so there is now a very large discerpancy in our respective salaries even though we started off at exactly the same point.

Over the years he has refused to go on holiday, refused to do more around the house, refused to share out school runs and refused to take time off when the DC were ill or when I needed to be at work during school holidays. Everything he did around the house was optional and done on his own terms - I was the default, and he only chipped in if and when it suited him. At one point he told me that he was perfectly happy with the way things were, so my dissatisfaction with the imbalance in our roles was not his problem.

About 10 years ago he had an inappropriate relationship/emotional affair at work. That was my wake-up call. We didn't split up, for complicated reasons which meant I genuinely believed the DC would be worse off if we had divorced. But I stopped thinking of us as a partnership - because with hindsight, we never really had been one, I'd just been his support system. I arranged my life so that I didn't need his input. If he refused to go on holiday, the DC and I went without him. I cooked one meal and ate with the DCs rather than hanging around wondering when he'd be home so that I could eat with him. I planned holiday childcare so that his help wasn't needed. I stopped asking for his input about decisions relating to our domestic life and arranged things in a way that worked best for me.

It saved my sanity, and I think (I hope) also taught the DCs that you don't need to pander to a workaholic to your own detriment. The sad thing is that now that the DC are teens, he does try to become more involved in their lives and offers to do more with them, but they aren't that interested because he just hasn't been present in their lives. It's his loss - they're great kids.

Shout out affair to me. Have you considered this?

I’ve sent you a PM as been in the same situation. Feel free to ignore.

This is one of the saddest things I've read.

What would happen if you started acting as if he didn't live there anymore? Stop cooking for him, don't buy food for him, only do your and the kids laundry, only do admin and cleaning that affects you and the kids.