To not want to be married to a man who’s married to his job

[Widowtoaworkaholic]

AIBU to think this is not normal?

Husband and I have been together since we were teens. Married now for almost 14 years, together for 17. 2 kids. He is ALWAYS thinking about work. If he’s not at work, he’s on his phone doing work stuff. The only times he’s not is if he’s asleep. I promise I’m not exaggerating. His phone starts beeping at 5am and stops when he goes to bed. If somebody isn’t messaging, he’s googling random work related stuff and refreshing his WhatsApp/emails. He has zero interest in us. He’s even stopped celebrating birthdays and valentines claiming they’re not important and he didn’t have time to pick up a card/present etc. He asks for sex once every 6 weeks or so and it’s very predictable almost like a biological clock that ticks at regular intervals across the year. He has no desire. He has no hobbies & doesn’t go out with friends. Most of his friends are colleagues or clients.

I feel like a single parent who receives maintenance. I often feel like a widow grieving the hypersonic I married. I’m expected to arrange my career and life around his. If the kids are ill, it’s me that has to drop everything. My career is expected to be subordinate to his. He turns up home when he feels like it. I never know if he’s eating at home or not. He will say he is leaving work in 15 mins and turn up home 3 hours later. There is no routine or stability. He works for his dad and no amount of hours he does is ever enough. He’s not a director or shareholder and gets the same salary irrespective of how many hours he works. He also periodically spends quite a lot of time away from home. His siblings do not work in the same he does yet they are all paid equally. When I say anything about how unhappy I am and how I didn’t sign up to live life this way, I’m made out to be unreasonable. His family are quite well respected and so I never tell anybody how unhappy I am or how dysfunctional our family set up feels. Please tell me if I’m being unreasonable or expecting too much.

Also 'what are you going to do about it', 'leave if you like' shows he takes absolutely NO responsibility for a situation that is COMPLETELY of his own making. That actually makes me quite cross!

Reading your last post has really resonated with me. My husband is similar, works constantly, always in his phone when he is home and when I complain I get berated because it's work. Work always always comes first. When he is away I feel relief. This isn't normal is it?

Is he around and helpful at the weekends? Does he engage with the kids?

My dad was like this , he had his own business and as much I absolutely adored him it was awful. Every holiday he would constantly be on his phone home to the business, he would then tell me and my mum we would have to go home as there was a problem we never did but it would spoil the holidays we had. He would wake my mum in the middle of the night to talk about work and it dominated my child hood . He was an amazing hard worker and we enjoyed the financial rewards of the business but it was hard to live through . Sadly he died shortly after he retired, I wish he had taken more time away from work .

I would be annoyed at the earnings split of the siblings get the same.

Always jam tomorrow in family businesses.

He’s not a director or shareholder and gets the same salary irrespective of how many hours he works

He’s a mug. He’s desperate for his dad’s approval and he’ll never get it.

You said that he previously didn't want to turn out like his Dad, this is what you need to be frank about. Tell him you are doing exactly what you said you didn't want to become, so what will YOU do about it? Ask him what he wants with life, because that is not living.
You are also selling yourself short with your own career/achievements. Make a plan for your own future and financially get a nest egg building now. You all deserve better. ❤️

That’s so untrue and nasty.

I’m married to a workaholic, not as bad as OP’s husband but still 6am - 11pm every day and working every day through ‘holidays’, reading emails whenever I talk to him etc.

We’ve been together 25 years and for the first 15 of those he had a job where he worked 9am-1pm and no email/phone work. Then he had a mid-life crisis, chose a new career path and got sucked in. People change. If you haven’t got anything helpful to say then scroll by but telling OP she chose this when she’s been clear she did not is just stupid and ignorant.

I'm sorry but to me this has affair written all over it.

Is it worth speaking to him one last time? Could you negotiate one work- free day at the weekend? Could you arrange a week night where you eat as a family?

I think when you’re having this chat you should tell him how unhappy this is making you. Tell him on a scale of one to ten this is a ten and you are thinking of leaving him about this. He cannot then claim to be blindsided etc.

In parallel, I would upgrade your own job, including increase hours, ask for a promotion or change jobs to something better paid.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable OP. This sounds intolerable.

I have named changed for this but am a regular poster.

I'm a CEO. I run a mid sized company with three boards. I work incredibly hard and have a partner that pulls their weight.

I have been on holiday this year, and looked at my work phone once a dayI have just got the kids ready for school. I will do school pick up later. I have done two evenings out this week for work and two evenings in as my DH had commitments.
I love my job but I am a present parent.

I have to go into the office tomorrow for a meeting but have scheduled it for the morning when DC have an activity anyway- and will do some work on Sunday for an hour or two but the rest of the time I very much around.

Basically - I'm saying it's a choice. He needs to decide what is important

OP, I am married to a workaholic who for the first 20 odd years of our marriage was out by 6.30am and home at 9pm or later. Sometimes working weekends and during a demanding case when we had young children and no guarantee of unbroken nights would stay at an hotel or similar from Sunday to Thursday. There were also periods when he was abroad more than at home. I did everything at home although I returned to work 20 years ago. I completely understand your comment about feeling like a single parent without any money worries which I know isn't really like being a single parent. However, I knew what I was letting myself in for as this was a man who took a first, was active in politics and debating, was a Councillor during his early career and played football, cricket and sailed. The politics faded as his career started to glitter.

Despite all of the above I always felt and feel that as a team we put in equal effort in different ways. He has always been reliably unavailable, there has always been dialogue, affection and honesty. The one sacrosanct thing that probably saved us is that he never worked in August. It's me nowadays that had to work partner it but I can do that from France But parents' evenings were rare although he was good with weekend sports fixtures for one and concerts/plays for the other.

The rewards have been high and I have been happy to do my own thing when necessary. However high the rewards nothing replaces emotional engagement and happiness and I know many lives that seem to glitter when women are empty shells. As you know the law is not a friend of marriage particularly in the Magic Circle and successful chambers.

You say op that you were together as teenagers and you have given up opportunities for him and that his family is dysfunctional (they all are probably to an extent). It seems the kindness has gone and that you aren't happy. I think you need to put yourself first. You could start stacking it up and get a better job with childcare in place. You could selfishly make the time to be you to start forging a satisfying life. Whether that ends up with him or without him it will be a better life. If without him you will already have started taking steps to independence.

Finally, my parents detested each other. They split when I was 12. My advice would be to do it sooner rather than later if that is what you want and need to do for you.

in all honesty, he wasn't like this when we got married or when we were dating. He wasn't like this when my oldest child was born either

At 1am the OP posted the above. So either you can’t read properly or you’re choosing to be unpleasant for the sake of it. Which is it?

Your unhappiness really comes through in your post and I really feel for you. I just wanted to give you my experience - I'm married to a 'corporate type' who is at national exec level in a multinational. He is today what he was the day I met him, he's always been extremely focussed, ambitious and able to work incredibly long hours and keep up an intense level of work. I cant pretend that he suckered me by pretending to be someone he wasnt. Like Roses, over the years I've come to know he wont be at many of the things we as a family planned. There's a huge amount of stress attached to his job and I know he feels the responsibility very keenly to keep people employed, company profitable and meeting targets etc. Its relentless, but at heart he absolutely loves it.

For myself, I have always been independent. I have no problem going to parents evenings or socials on my own. I report back on every detail, share the stories and make sure hes in the loop. I have my own interests, and my own life and friends outside of him. Im not sitting at home waiting for him and fuming that hes late again. I think he admires that and I hope it makes me an interesting individual. We do however agree that the core of our family is super important, and that there are some non-negotiables, like Christmas, birthdays, our annoversary, and an annual holiday where we reconnect and hold sacred as time for our family.

I dont know if any of this helps, but its my experience.

Stop cooking for him, every time he asks where his dinner is you tell him you didn’t think he’d be here for dinner. Stop answering his calls, when he asks why you didn’t you tell him you didn’t expect him to call and were busy with family. When he asks for sex tell him no, you’re too exhausted from taking care of life as a single parent. Stop doing his laundry, when he asks why say you simply forgot but he’s welcome to pop a wash on if he needs it done.

The idea is to make him see what life would be like without you there as his wife and partner. It might wake him up to what he’s doing, or he’ll not give a shit but at least you don’t need to deal with his shit while looking to leave.

Family business dynamics can be so warped. The line between boss/dad gets blurred and it can get terribly toxic.

His dad was evaluating your suitability to fit into the existing structure, and presumably his one rebellion was marrying you.

You only get one life and you don’t have to choose to live like this.

But expect a difficult divorce because you’re not just separating a family unit, you’re a threat to the business structure and they will circle the wagons.

Trying to give the most practical advice possible, and to give the relationship a chance:

• could you first write a letter and spell out the cold hard truth of how you feel. Don’t sugar coat it.
• After this, ask if he could take a 3 month sabbatical from work. If it’s a big family biz they can probably afford it.
• in that 3 month period you find out if you have a relationship worth saving or not.

He probably needs therapy too, as you say, his relationship with work is not normal. But the more you accommodate his obsession, the less he can see it’s a problem.

of course, if he refuses to consider a sabbatical, then you have your answer….

you are important. you have needs and ambitions, you deserve a supportive and thoughtful partner x

Why are you being such a twat?

You are not being unreasonable. He is so tunnelled in what he knows he doesn't know how to be a partner to/for you.

Your life matters too. Your feelings are absolutely valid. I will say I have gone through similar - it is like you're a single parent and everyone I know in my own circle sees that, resentment builds, hard not too - and that kills the marriage unfortunately. What advice would you give to a friend/family member that came to you with this?

Now the problem is he can't see it, and won't change. Do you want this for the rest of your life or do you want something different?

You said he wasn't always like this, could it be that he's using work as a way to avoid family life?

A friend's husband was like this, even refused to use all his annual leave cos 'he was too busy'. Really he just hated having to deal with the daily grind of life with kids.

Obviously YANBU, but I appreciate this is more of a rant and you know that already. Clearly you need a serious discussion with him, if indeed that's possible. You say he works for his dad - does he actually like his job?

My husband was the same and in the end I gave him an ultimatum me or the work. You have to know the difference between poverty and excess and for me once we lived in a nice house in a nice area and had no pressure for money I was content. He on the other hand wanted a newer car, designer clothes and holidays to far away places.

The final straw came when he had been horrible to me and walked in with an expensive bracelet as a peace offering. I said in all honesty that I did not want it and that I thought we had come to the point of no return in our marriage. I also said that he could keep on working and that he would need to because I was taking half of everything. He did choose me and that was years ago now and we are still together. He laughs at what he used to think was important. The real issue is what makes you happy and for my husband it was money and stuff.

Money is important when you have bills to pay and nobody wants to be in a position of not being able to pay the electricity bill. However, enough is as good as a feast and if you know that you can be content. Contentment equals happiness and you can easily tell that money doesn't buy happiness by the amount of unhappy rich people we all know about.

This really resonated with me as I have also felt like a single parent with a cheque book and my husband's workaholic nature has had a hugely negatively impact on me and my mental health. I recently discovered a completely inappropriate relationship/emotional affair he was having at work and kicked him out for a few weeks. What really surprised me was my brother's reaction - he also works very hard and has a demanding job, but said to me: Obama doesn't work as hard as your DH. What he was saying is that a choice was being made, every day, to deprioritise me and my needs and our family and to prioritise his work and the time he gets there. I get the feeling that there may be difficult dynamics going on in his family and some underlying depression/shame and anxiety. But amidst all this is a very painful defensiveness that I also had my mine: leave if you want to etc. I would call his bluff, in the very least. I didn't miss my husband when he left, because he hadn't really been there. I didn't miss being so anxious and stressed about his lack of engagement, I didn't miss feeling like I was doing all the work and not feeling appreciated. He on the under hand realised that he was fucking his life up by treating me and our family like a work and his work like a family. With your husband the decision is about which family dynamic takes priority - and it has to be yours, not the one he was born into. Good luck. It sounds like you really love him and want to try, so put some boundaries down. You can't force him to do anything but you can judge his choices and make your own as well.

My ex husband became a workaholic as he progressed in his career, if he had 2 weeks off for holiday he was always ill the first week, it was almost like his body had to reset. I kept trying to talk to him but he could never see the problem, I finally told him the marriage was over. After he left a few months later he apologised to me as he had finally realised work had become more important than the family, by then it was too late, the kids and I were more settled and happier.

I am lucky that we remained on good terms.

Only you know how your life will go forward, it is tough making the decision.

YANBU and you have to be selfish, put yourself and your children first. Start to carve out your own life and financial future.

Good luck!

Why don’t you read the OP?