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AIBU?

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Original poster

Pronouns annoyance

377 replies

crochetmonkey74 · 23/02/2023 22:52

I support every human being having the right to be who they are. This is not a bashing thread but I do want views on this.
Today , my friend messaged something about a non binary celeb. I replied with "I like him I think he's great" she then sent a text lecture about misgendering.
I actually didn't do it deliberately. My thoughts are these though: how can you insist on how others (who you will never hear or even know about) talk about you?
I agree with referring to people however they want you to in real life of course, am I just being a grumpy old bag? I genuinely want to get better at understanding the pronoun thing. What are your thoughts?

OP posts:
Moopsi · 23/02/2023 23:43

The harm is in signifying your agreement with a misogynistic, illogical and harmful ideology that puts rapists in women's prisons and DV refuges, medicates and sterilises people with mental health issues, harms children and insists that people lie about reality in order to validate a delusion or "philia" or calls them bigots if they don't conform. It is also based on regressive stereotypes and undermines women's hard-won rights.

MsJD · 23/02/2023 23:43

We can’t change our sex.

Thats what Putin says.

singer15 · 23/02/2023 23:44

I don't intend to waste my time trying to pander to someone's delusions. I wouldn't confront someone over their belief that they can magically change sex, but neither should I have to pretend to believe something I don't.

BetterArf · 23/02/2023 23:44

Psychosocial · 23/02/2023 23:38

People getting so mad over using the pronoun someone would like you to use is hilarious and just so OTT.

If you meet someone and refer to them as her or he, and they say, "actually, I prefer to be referred to as they", I bet none of you would laugh in their face and say no, you're clearly a her/he, I will only refer to you as that. I bet you'd do it out of politeness.

And if you would laugh in their face, you're a cunt.

There's absolutely no harm referring to someone with their chosen pronouns, it doesn't hurt you or affect your life in any way but it can make a big difference to someone else.

I wouldn't lecture someone on it via social media but having basic respect to refer to someone how they have asked you to is really not that difficult.

You’re right. I do use correct pronouns to be polite, because I can’t be arsed to argue with randoms, and at work, because we are living in this ridiculous Emperor’s New Clothes culture where we are compelled to use language we know is false or face disciplinary measures (crazily).

I don’t like it, and I might call you they/them if you insist, but I will privately think it’s absolute bollocks. I will also address Jane in a skirt with the big hairy bollocks as ‘she/her’, but I will know he is a bloke like everybody else does.

So yeah, I guess I’ve been conditioned to #bekind, sadly. But the language police can’t control my thoughts Wink

GCWorkNightmare · 23/02/2023 23:44

Your employers absolutely cannot mandate that legally.

Original poster
crochetmonkey74 · 23/02/2023 23:45

This may be a really basic question but why can't there be a third classification?
Male/female/Trans

OP posts:
sleepwouldbenice · 23/02/2023 23:45

What's so hard about remembering "them" rather than "him"?

Because one is grammatically plural????

Eyerollcentral · 23/02/2023 23:46

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

It sounds nothing at all like that, what an odd leap to make. The OP said she hadn’t even intended to misgender the person. No one ever accidentally said the kind of thing you have come up with. This really annoys me as the two things are not remotely related.

Moopsi · 23/02/2023 23:46

MsJD · 23/02/2023 23:43

We can’t change our sex.

Thats what Putin says.

That's what biologists say too. And 99% of rational people.

PutIn also eats cake. Does that make you a fascist if you eat cake?

Psychosocial · 23/02/2023 23:46

I have a friend who is non binary. It's just basic respect to refer to them using their chosen pronouns when I am out with them. We are often with a group so I would refer to them as "they/them" if we were all talking together. Maybe not directly to their face but in their presence. It's good to be mindful of it.

BenCoopersSupportWren · 23/02/2023 23:47

Moopsi · 23/02/2023 23:43

The harm is in signifying your agreement with a misogynistic, illogical and harmful ideology that puts rapists in women's prisons and DV refuges, medicates and sterilises people with mental health issues, harms children and insists that people lie about reality in order to validate a delusion or "philia" or calls them bigots if they don't conform. It is also based on regressive stereotypes and undermines women's hard-won rights.

👏👏👏

Original poster
crochetmonkey74 · 23/02/2023 23:47

sleepwouldbenice · 23/02/2023 23:45

What's so hard about remembering "them" rather than "him"?

Because one is grammatically plural????

In real life, nothing. I work hard to ensure it. But in private messages or in my own home I don't try as hard especially about celbrities

OP posts:
BetterArf · 23/02/2023 23:47

sleepwouldbenice · 23/02/2023 23:45

What's so hard about remembering "them" rather than "him"?

Because one is grammatically plural????

I can remember ‘they/then’ but it doesn’t make sense grammatically and the conceit of ‘non binary’ is BS to me. Him/her is the language we use to describe someone’s sex. Gender is a construct and I don’t personally give a fuck whether you identify with being feminine, masculine, neither or both. Why do I need to know this information and how should it inform how I treat you or view you? It’s batshittery.

BetterArf · 23/02/2023 23:48

Conceit should be concept above

Psychosocial · 23/02/2023 23:48

Psychosocial · 23/02/2023 23:46

I have a friend who is non binary. It's just basic respect to refer to them using their chosen pronouns when I am out with them. We are often with a group so I would refer to them as "they/them" if we were all talking together. Maybe not directly to their face but in their presence. It's good to be mindful of it.

Sorry, this was to @MichaelFabricantWig

Frankldearest · 23/02/2023 23:48

If it gets to the point where every second person demands that everyone else uses a non-standard pronoun for them, it really does affect our lives. And not just he/she/they - all the other ones that are out there, plus people are being encouraged to make up new ones just for them. It involves a lot of thinking, trying to remember, looking back at emails to check, being told off and possibly threatened, apologising, etc etc. It paralyses everyday life. And we're half way there already. It's even tougher on the elderly, on children, on those with learning difficulties or just poor memories, on ethnic minorities and foreigners. And all for what? It's a sacred caste thing, to put people in their place, to force them to spend more time and thought and to be more scared of one category of person.

massifcentral · 23/02/2023 23:49

"If you told someone you were called 'Dora' but they insisted on calling you 'Jane', how would you feel?"

It depends what my given name was.

She/ him/ it.
(Am really thinking of going with the "it" part.)

Gagagardener · 23/02/2023 23:50

Have not read the full thread. I find it curious that no one opts for 'it' as a personal pronoun, despite its obviously referring to only one person and being ungendered. Since singular pronouns are 'he', 'she' and 'it', etc, while 'they' is a plural form, those wishing to use 'they' should pay at least double income tax.

Original poster
crochetmonkey74 · 23/02/2023 23:50

I do think there's an element of 'so what?'
Why do I need to know or care how you view yourself and your gender?
Also pronouns are often not used when the person is there with you.

OP posts:
Psychosocial · 23/02/2023 23:51

That's okay, as long as you're nice out loud and only nasty in your head, that's great.

Housefullofcatsandkids · 23/02/2023 23:51

sleepwouldbenice · 23/02/2023 23:45

What's so hard about remembering "them" rather than "him"?

Because one is grammatically plural????

It's not always used as a plural though, if I said I went to see my friend and you didn't know if they were male or female you might say...
"Did you go to their house?"
"Was it nice to catch up with them?"
"How are they?"
None of those have to be plural.

sleepwouldbenice · 23/02/2023 23:51

sleepwouldbenice · 23/02/2023 23:45

What's so hard about remembering "them" rather than "him"?

Because one is grammatically plural????

Just to be clear, I was agreeing that them/ they is harder to remember

massifcentral · 23/02/2023 23:51

It ought to be it, not they, surely?

People used to laugh at the 'royal we'.
They can only be a plural pronoun. Why does anyone get to be a plural, with proper plural verbs and all that?

Original poster
crochetmonkey74 · 23/02/2023 23:52

Psychosocial · 23/02/2023 23:51

That's okay, as long as you're nice out loud and only nasty in your head, that's great.

I don't think it's nasty to use the wrong pronoun

OP posts:
Toseland · 23/02/2023 23:52

I got a letter today addressed to Mrs Toseland. I'm a Ms. They mistitled me! Should I be offended and looking to punish someone for this?
Everytime you refer to a man as 'she' it's an insult to women and over a period of time will dilute and corrupt the meaning of the word.

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