To leave 4 week old to cry

[Toastmostwoast]

With their dad!?

I'm honestly not sure what other parents do in this situation so want to know whether IWBU.

First baby is 4 weeks old, has recently started a witching ‘hour’ which coincides with DHs weekday ‘shift’ with her while I have a nap.

Since he is back at work and needs to leave early I tend to sleep 8pm-12am and then do the night shift (12am - 6am) as she sleeps relatively well but nosily. However she has started to cry for the sake of crying every night between 8-11. During this time she will only settle if I cuddle or sing to her, she will also not be put down during this time.

For the past week I’ve been reducing my sleep time to support, as I know it’s stressful for DH to be sat with a screaming baby for 3-4 hours straight, I also know he has a tendency to overfeed during this time as he can misinterpret her hungry cues.

I currently have a stinking cold and am tempted to go back to my 8-12 sleep and just leave DH to deal with DD, as I’m knackered, but is that super unreasonable when I know she will be distressed and I can ‘fix’ it in minutes whereas DH will be struggling for hours?

I just can’t see any other way to get ‘solid’ rest, DH can’t do the 12-6 due to work and tbh she isn’t bad overnight, with my 4 hours ‘nap’ and the few hours I get between 12-6 I usually am quite well rested, but now with her 8-11 screaming sessions I feel so guilty even considering going back to sleeping while she is upset.

WIBU, is this what most parents do in this situation? As mentioned she is our first so I have no idea what’s normal.

Personally I wouldn't leave her. If the baby is settling somewhat for you then it clear to me that what she needs is you. This is a very tiny baby that has only existed for 4 weeks outside of you. You are all she knew for 9months, it's quite normal for her to want you.

The answer to when you sleep is quite obvious. You sleep when she does. It is also quite normal to be somewhat sleep deprived. We do all parent differently though, I saw someone up thread describe this type of parenting as being a martyr whereas I see it as meeting your newborns basic needs. Really no one but you and your hubsnad can decide how your daughter is to be parented.

I have read all the ops posts. Not the whole thread I’ll admit.

Op it was around this time under similar circumstances my severe post natal depression kicked in with my eldest, now aged 19. I’m not saying that will happen to you but the reason I’m posting is to make you aware of the possibility of it. It crept up on me with a severe lack of sleep, recovering from birth (or not being able to) and quite frankly really struggling to get my head around the whole head fuck of becoming a parent - despite the fact dd was a much wanted baby. When you wrote about not being able to sleep when the baby sleeps because of noises etc that’s exactly how I was and I became almost neurotic about it all. (Oddly enough when I had my second child ten years later - it took me that long to recover from it all- I felt completely differently, had some perspective to know it was only a phase and wouldn’t last forever and I was able to sleep when he slept, completely different feeling altogether).

It’s very strange that in the western world we expect women to give birth, recover from that birth and then have little to no support other than your dh who is also trying to help and work etc, and continue as normal basically. Other cultures tend to have a lot more hands on help. It’s like torture.

I am saying this - much to the horror of many here- get your sleep. Let your dh deal with the baby. If he can hold the baby, feed it, swaddle it and make it feel safe then that’s fine. If the baby still cries then so what - if your dh had taken the baby out for a drive or in a pram for 3 hours and the baby cried you wouldn’t know about it. It doesn’t mean the baby is being neglected. Some babies do just cry a lot - my son once cried non stop on and off for 18 hours straight when he was about 12 weeks old; didn’t sleep once in all that time. And I tired everything.

Your baby won’t remember any of this. But you will. You aren’t a bad parent and this will pass; do what you have to do to survive.

8-11 is peak time that a four week old cries I've found! They need their mothers. Yes that does make like harder. You need to find a way to switch up the routine so that your nap doesn't coincide with the time she needs you the most. And just put her in bed with you when she wakes in the night. You don't need to exhaust yourself sat up awake feeding a baby.

I was going to suggest this. I had a noisy, sniffly baby. I am a light sleeper. I would have got zero sleep without earplugs. They just take the edge off every slight noise. You’ll hear the crying if she’s in the same room (as will your DH who can wake you if needs be.)

Could try Infacol and gripe water for colic?

And clockwise massage on tummy.

Definitely see if she'll take the dummy.

Dad's can do so much, it's total bollocks that they just need their mum.

Now is a good time for him to start as any

I’m going to try some different apps, as the white noise we currently use doesn’t help but some apps have different types so I might try those! (Pink, brown etc.)

I’m not choosing not to, this is a WIBU not AIBU

ffs. And yes, it seems many on here struggle to sleep through the newborn sleep noises so stop being ridiculous yourself.

Colicky babies are hell on earth, you have my sympathies. Re the noisy sleep between 12-6: that won’t last forever as eventually they learn to digest better so don’t thrash around with wind all night. And you get used to it, plus at some point you go through the tiredness barrier and adjust to the amount of sleep you’re getting.

I would hold her in the evenings if it stops the screaming. Nothing stopped my DD’s screaming and I’d gave done anything. Wear earplugs for the 12-6, or take rescue remedy, or just wait: they do get less noisy. Is DH in with you both? My sleep improved greatly when it was just me and the baby, not contending with another person in the room too.

In the meantime, every bit of rest helps: I would close my eyes while on the loo, or the minute a visitor held her, or when she was on her playmat. It’s not sleep but it’s better than leaping up and doing housework. Hot showers, hot coffee and fresh air all help. Big naps at the weekend when DH can take shifts during the non-scream bit of the day.

She's 4 weeks old it's not the time to leave them too it, guide them and support them. He needs to learn x

Honest question, what do you think happens when mothers die during child birth?

Many men can do what mum can, because they have to.

Your baby isn’t getting enough nighttime sleep if he/she’s crying from 8-11pm. You need to work on a nighttime routine / cutting down late afternoon naps etc.
Most four week olds haven’t figured out day/night so there’s no such thing as “night time sleep” at that age; just sleep. The clusterfeedy ones all stay up late chugging pints of boob for hours too; an 11pm bedtime is quite normal in the early weeks – no one should be cutting naps short at four weeks!

The child lives but suffers. What else would happen????? This is not about you being dead this is about unrealistic expectations of having a child.

I remember the shock I had when I realised I was going to be awake every two hours and that my child only wanted me. I survived.

What do you think single parents do? Those without support?? They pick up their helpless child and get on with it. It's not forever ffs

Thank you for the link! Will give them a listen tomorrow as DH is taking the day off so I can sleep after much back and forth.

i was initially worried with ear plugs I’d not hear her crying or being distressed but some other posters have also said it worked for them and they still heard the more desperate sounds so will give that a try too!

Could you not hold her/have her asleep beside you and you sleep too and husband keep watch?

Not sure she would settle for a family member if she isn’t for her own father tbh!

Correct, unlikely to settle, but a family member could be a carer while you sleep/nap.

She needs to be held stood up, not just plonked on me - if she did that would be a solution. But if we even dare to look at the sofa she will kick off again during this time.

At least for me she will settle just stood up, with DH he has to walk her around to even slightly lower the volume of the crying!

At least it seems from some of these comments the light at the end of the tunnel might be closer than we thought (had visions this would be my life for 6 months until she can be put into a routine!)

Haven't rtft but didn't want to lose this post - that is not a normal amount of formula for a newborn. If you took her to the Dr's or hospital they would tell you she is being overfed. She is likely overfeeding for comfort, probably because of a medical issues such as reflux (silent or otherwise) or cmpa. My DD overfed too and had reflux and cmpa.

Baby and I go into the spare room for the 12-6 as there is more room around the bed for her Moses basket so I can reach in and put a hand on her tummy during the night if she starts to grizzle etc.

definitely find this easier than contending with her noises and DH snoring

will also look into rescue remedy! Thank you 💜

Really OP? You invoked mothers who died in childbirth to support your position.

I'm out. What an utterly revolting thing to say.

Christ some of the sanctimony on this thread. I too had a colicky baby OP, screamed the house down from 4pm until 10pm every day from 3 weeks to 13 weeks without fail. It was without a shadow of a doubt the worst time of my life He was EBF and got some comfort from the boob and clearly wanted to cluster feed. Despite this, I literally couldn’t cope with 6 hours of screaming and breastfeeding so DH, DMil and I used to play pass the baby for an hour or so each. He cried more with them, but it maintained some shreds of my sanity. If you trust DH to hold your baby, provide comfort and soothe them then id let him crack on. It’s colic and to be honest, as long as they are being soothed, it doesn’t really matter who by. It’ll pass, I promise you.

Also love this ‘sleep when the baby sleeps’ shite. Not very easy to do if your baby will only nap being marched around in a sling outside 🙄

It's a short time in your life you just have to put baby first and push through. They need their mummy if possible at that age.

weird as she was in the hospital last week and they were a bit surprised about her feeding but never said over fed, just that she was a hungry baby. Same with the HV and the community midwife, who I’ve spoken to about her feeding previously.

she is maintaining her centile line (30th) and no one has said she is over feeding. In fact when I posted about this on here before many posters said their babies ate more than that at her age and to keep feeding on demand.

4 week olds also tend to cluster feed (bottle or breast!) Between these hours every night - chances are it's not Colic...

I didnt have any extra rest... and I didnt leave baby to cry with dad either - different strokes for different folks - but I wouldn't have been able to rest hearing him cry

Nope, I’ve asked a poster who said dads can’t do what mums do what they think happens when a mother dies in childbirth. Maybe read the comment I was replying to before jumping in and looking like a foo.

My sister died 5 years ago and her husband coped just fine with a 1 day old, managed to do everything mum did, as he had to. He didn’t have a screaming baby who wouldn’t settle, so clearly dads can do what mums do in the early days, hence the question.