To leave 4 week old to cry

[Toastmostwoast]

With their dad!?

I'm honestly not sure what other parents do in this situation so want to know whether IWBU.

First baby is 4 weeks old, has recently started a witching ‘hour’ which coincides with DHs weekday ‘shift’ with her while I have a nap.

Since he is back at work and needs to leave early I tend to sleep 8pm-12am and then do the night shift (12am - 6am) as she sleeps relatively well but nosily. However she has started to cry for the sake of crying every night between 8-11. During this time she will only settle if I cuddle or sing to her, she will also not be put down during this time.

For the past week I’ve been reducing my sleep time to support, as I know it’s stressful for DH to be sat with a screaming baby for 3-4 hours straight, I also know he has a tendency to overfeed during this time as he can misinterpret her hungry cues.

I currently have a stinking cold and am tempted to go back to my 8-12 sleep and just leave DH to deal with DD, as I’m knackered, but is that super unreasonable when I know she will be distressed and I can ‘fix’ it in minutes whereas DH will be struggling for hours?

I just can’t see any other way to get ‘solid’ rest, DH can’t do the 12-6 due to work and tbh she isn’t bad overnight, with my 4 hours ‘nap’ and the few hours I get between 12-6 I usually am quite well rested, but now with her 8-11 screaming sessions I feel so guilty even considering going back to sleeping while she is upset.

WIBU, is this what most parents do in this situation? As mentioned she is our first so I have no idea what’s normal.

"Don't be bloody stupid what an overreaction. Tap water boiled and cooled is perfectly safe for a young baby."

No it's not

www.healthline.com/health/baby/why-cant-babies-have-water

I would concentrate on making sure she isn't getting too much stimulation in the day and isn't awake for too long between naps. Evening screaming (sometimes known as colic) can be due to accumulated tiredness from insufficient daytime sleep. Rejigging the daytime could help. Look up wake windows. For the dummy, try holding it in while tapping it gently. This phase is hard but doesn't last forever. It's much easier when it's your first .... Try having a 2 year old to look after at the same time!

Exactly. Sick of people pretending dad can do what mum can.

Yes when they are older. Not at this age. Fuck sake.

Well it's not working!

@Redebs

It will.

Get your sleep op it will be fine

I profoundly disagree with the view that colic isn’t an actual condition. It was very obvious to us what it is - griping stomach pains. Baby pulling legs up to tummy etc . I chucked the nhs book that said it isn’t an actual condition. Total crap.

4 months hmm but 4 weeks bloody hell. That’s still the fourth trimester - far too young!

Baby still thinks it’s in the womb at this age, of course it wants you! 😩

OP wear earplugs 12-6! You'll be able to hear when she is properly awake and not just grunting and snuffling, even through earplugs, as you are in the same room.

Absolutely ridiculous.
And claiming the baby keeps her awake by snuffling in her sleep?

OP, you need to adjust your expectations, pick up that baby and make her comfortable. She should not be allowed to cry like that. You are capable of soothing her, but are choosing not to.
It is hard being sleep-deprived, I know, but your baby needs you at the moment.

OK so lots of sources talk about "unexplained crying" or say things like "Sometimes babies just cry" - but this doesn't mean that there is literally no reason, it just means, you're not doing anything wrong but the reason is unidentified.

So absolutely yes keep trying different ways to soothe/settle. It's OK if she's crying with a caregiver (though stressful for that caregiver) - I don't think it's OK to just leave them in a room on their own, which I think is what is implied by "they are crying for no reason" or crying "for the sake of crying".

However I did hear an interesting podcast the other day where they said that babies at this age can get into a loop, where they start crying and whatever was the reason for them crying passes, but they haven't yet developed the ability to dial down and turn it off, so they get more worked up, kind of now I'm upset because I'm upset. I suppose you could interpret this as crying for no real reason. (I would still try to soothe them though!)

evolutionaryparenting.com/evolutionary-parenting-podcast-2/
(I think it might have been Ep. 61: How does parental presence and contact affect children's stress and sleep?)

A thought - if you use earplugs to sleep when she's with dad could you use earplugs to cover up the grunting sounds? Since she would be much closer you would still hear her when she cried properly, but the grunting, snuffling etc would be less bothersome.

Ah man, I feel for you OP. Feeling unwell with a newborn is crap, and trying to console a screaming baby with colic for hours on end is a special kind of hell.

Could you maybe go to bed from 8pm-9.30pm so you get an hour and a halfs sleep, and then swap with your partner? Just til the colic eases up.

Our youngest had colic when she was born a few months ago and if I'd been dealing with it all on my own I would have gone a bit crackers. Me and DP took turns consoling her and made sure the other got lots of breaks as it's so intense, and we were both on the edge of losing patience at times.

Agree that a dark room, white noise and low stimulation is what worked best for us. It does pass, promise!!!

At 4 weeks you simply can’t leave baby to cry. The best you can do is sleep when baby sleeps ie afternoon naps.
Is there a family member to come and stay for a bit?

If earplugs allow you to sleep through the screaming then surely they allow you to sleep through grunting? But being in the same room any actual waking up would wake you too.

We're a few weeks further ahead of you with our second who is now 17 weeks.

Both ours definitely had super difficult evenings until about 10 weeks. They would cluster feed for hours until about 11pm and then settle for a chunk of sleep. Until about 10 weeks I'd hang out downstairs watching Netflix while they fed, but once they hit about 10 weeks they'd need the calm and quiet of a bedroom and now we hang out upstairs - I read my kindle while she feeds to sleep.

With my first we did shifts a bit like you describe, only I'd be never be able to actually sleep on my turn, and once she started crying I'd feed her anyway. Not sure how it works with bottles and cluster feeding but that was certainly the answer for 90% of the time.

It doesn't last forever, but it is exhausting and hard, especially with your first as it's all such a shock to the system. In a few weeks you'll be enjoying those lovely first smiles and it all becomes a bit more manageable. As soon as you think you've got it they change again so I wouldn't worry too much about trying to get it. For the first six months or so just do whatever it takes to keep yourself sane

Sorry, but I definitely think YABU. At 4 weeks old, you really should be the primary source of comfort. It might sound silly, but if 8-12 is DH's shift, can you sit reclined with baby on chest and sleep, while DH keeps watch to make sure it's safe? That way you get some rest, baby is comforted and DH would be up either way.

I agree with wearing ear plugs at night. I have hearing loss and don't wear my hearing aids at night, I still wake when my baby wakes. Even if the noise doesn't wake me, the movement of them thrashing around does, as their cot is attached to the bed. Give it a go and see if it helps!

Can he wear something that smells like you?

Can you wear ear plugs during her noisy sleep time? If you’re right next to her I’m sure you’d wake once she’s cries?

Also would wonder about her tummy, could she be over-feeding all day as some babies do for comfort? Any sign of allergies e.g. constipation / diarrhoea?

Your DH needs to learn to comfort her and you need your sleep. I made the mistake of trying to be martyr for months and months. It's a false economy and took me ages to recover and catch up.

OP, to the people who tell you you're being unreasonable, I have no idea how they think you can function on no sleep 🤔

I hope it gets better for you soon 💜

Not sure if someone has mentioned but can you get a next to me crib or snuzpod, something that you can easily reach over and soothe the baby while laying down?

Cluster feeding is normal at this age. And at this time of the night. Sorry if I missed but are you breast feeding?

Also this is the age when colic tends to start. Just lots of comforting.

What really helped us was realising that, if we had an older child, it simply wouldn't be possible to cater to the new baby all the time, and there must be times that babies have to wait a few mins eg if you were giving an older toddler a bath

That became our mantra. Baby cries, set the kitchen timer for 4 mins. If still crying after 4 mins, go in and soothe them

4 mins felt like for ever, but it was ASTONISHING how often the baby soothed themselves and fell asleep before 4 mins was up

And I can't imagine that crying for 4 mins would cause lasting damage

I watched friends staying in the room, driving for miles, pretending to be asleep etc and made sympathetic noises, but sometimes wondered if they were making it harder for themselves than it needed to be

Also, I think it's really important for your baby to learn from the beginning that both parents can comfort them and meet their needs.

@NeedToChangeName yeah four mins for a new born baby absolutely would make a difference.

You taught them no one was coming. They stopped crying because they gave up hope.

And people wonder why their kids turn into little unhappy shits