To leave 4 week old to cry

[Toastmostwoast]

With their dad!?

I'm honestly not sure what other parents do in this situation so want to know whether IWBU.

First baby is 4 weeks old, has recently started a witching ‘hour’ which coincides with DHs weekday ‘shift’ with her while I have a nap.

Since he is back at work and needs to leave early I tend to sleep 8pm-12am and then do the night shift (12am - 6am) as she sleeps relatively well but nosily. However she has started to cry for the sake of crying every night between 8-11. During this time she will only settle if I cuddle or sing to her, she will also not be put down during this time.

For the past week I’ve been reducing my sleep time to support, as I know it’s stressful for DH to be sat with a screaming baby for 3-4 hours straight, I also know he has a tendency to overfeed during this time as he can misinterpret her hungry cues.

I currently have a stinking cold and am tempted to go back to my 8-12 sleep and just leave DH to deal with DD, as I’m knackered, but is that super unreasonable when I know she will be distressed and I can ‘fix’ it in minutes whereas DH will be struggling for hours?

I just can’t see any other way to get ‘solid’ rest, DH can’t do the 12-6 due to work and tbh she isn’t bad overnight, with my 4 hours ‘nap’ and the few hours I get between 12-6 I usually am quite well rested, but now with her 8-11 screaming sessions I feel so guilty even considering going back to sleeping while she is upset.

WIBU, is this what most parents do in this situation? As mentioned she is our first so I have no idea what’s normal.

Hi op I had a baby like this too and it was awful. DS used to have colic every evening from 6pm until 10pm. It eventually stopped at around 12 weeks old. He also has silent reflux and nothing helped except keeping him upright and waiting for his digestive system to be big enough/strong enough to cope.
Things that helped us:
a sling to put him in so Dad could walk around with him. The containment seemed to keep him calmer. We often took him outside in evening, the cold air seemed to help.
Echo what pp said about over stimulation. We used to put a low light on and cuddle skin on skin and that seemed to help sometimes.
running water from the tap used to distract him sometimes. He liked the sound.
In the end I was so tired that the snuffly newborn noises at night didn’t wake me anymore and I could sleep when DS did. I didn’t sleep for more than 2-3 hours at a time until he was over 6 months old. Between the colic in evening and the being upright all night for the reflux, I didn’t think I was going to make it, it was horrific.
Are you sleeping in the day at all when baby naps?

Sorry to be thick but could your DH do an early morning shift instead? So he comes home and sleeps solidly from something like 8pm to maybe 3 am, and then you put baby in with him after her last night feed to grunt and gurgle through the rest of the night. He might nap through that, he might not, but he’s still have his big sleep.

Then you get a good 3 hour block plus whatever else sleep you’ve had with the gurgling etc from 12-3. Then at least baby has you with her when she needs you most, the 8-12 slot.

I couldn’t sleep when mine were crying when dad took over for a while. Impossible when you can hear them crying, especially when BF as your boobs are crying out for them. If he can cope with her, you’re content with it then get the sleep.

Don't be bloody stupid what an overreaction. Tap water boiled and cooled is perfectly safe for a young baby.

@catandcoffee don’t be bloody stupid yourself. Water in any capacity is very dangerous (and surplus to requirement) for babies, no less a 4 week old who has no physiological need to have water. Unbelievably dim.

Water for tiny breastfed babies is a very old fashioned notion. Don't bother.

Both my DC were In routines at this stage, bath, feed in a dark room with white noise and down to sleep. Ensuring no more then an hour gap from last wake. Neither would settle with the tv or bright lights downstairs. Your DH can sit in the bed next to her Moses basket and watch something on his phone with headphones on. Yes you feel like you lose your evening and freedom but it doesn't last forever

I was also wondering if white noise would help, if the extractor fan has been helpful

I agree try flipping it around so DH does his stint and you get your sleep in the early hours rather than late at night, see if that helps. Do you switch it around on a weekend as well?

We did shifts, I slept 7-11, DH slept 11-5 and then I slept 5-7 and on a weekend we flipped it around. DS had silent reflux and couldn’t be put down though, and basically screamed all the time. Thankfully at about 8 weeks (and with medication) he settled and was pretty much sleeping through by 4 months.

Fucking hell, harsh!

Reply to above: not harsh. Be a mother :Feed, cuddle, sing, rock, change nappy, check temp, contact GP, give to DH/Dfam for a bit. If latter is not possible and you're not coping, seek help.

Yanbu x

Look up 'African babies don't cry'

This age is so hard. Some babies cry more than others and i think you are coming up to peak crying for the next month or so and then it should get better. The evenings are the worst, that's why they call it the witching hour! I used to just breastfeed solidly for 4 hours straight. My dp went to bed when he got in from work and then we swapped at 1am so he had a 6 hour block of sleep first, while I did the difficult bit. Alternatively how is your baby in a sling or pushchair? My dp would pop baby in stretchy sling with no tshirt on for a bit of skin to skin and crack on with the house work while baby slept and i napped. Hang in there, this stage is hard but you can get through it x

While you still need your sleep, a 4 week old baby needs the reassurance of your voice, warmth and attendance. It sounds like you and your partner both need greater practical support with your newborn. I reiterate, african babies don't cry.

Its not bollocks at all.

Look up 'the fourth trimester' your baby is still classed as a newborn. You are a parent now, your not going to get the rest you either want or need, and it's very very hard. I would consider safe co-sleeping ( look up 'the safe 7') use a sling to keep baby upright and close to you, reflux could be an issue perhaps.
All babies go through a witching hour, it's very normal and will settle, your just in the throes of new parenthood. Don't worry so much about schedule and clock watching, just rest when you can and take help when it's available. Good luck!

OP your baby is 4 weeks old. It sounds like they are a good sleeper for their age, 12-6 is pretty good and you’re lucky only having to feed her every 3 hours. At this age, you really can’t expect much sleep, it’s exhausting but you do get used to having little sleep. Saying that, you should be sleeping when baby does, you have to get used to the noise, they’re loud but they will be in your room until 6months and to be honest just get louder as they grow!

I'm sorry you feel exhausted, you have a 4 week old baby. I just had a new baby not too long ago, mine and dh heart would break hearing her cry, we would do everything possible to settle her, it meant lots of walking around whilst we were so so so tired, that's the main thing that helped her. She cried a lot! So I know exactly how hard it is. She isn't our first so it's not like we were acting all PFB.
Baby's don't see themselves as there own person until about 8 months. They have been inside you for 9 months, all they want is to be close to you all the time at that early stage of their life. Trust me your baby will be 6 months old and you'll wonder where the first couple months went!

Thank you, brilliant read. I actually did lots of that myself particularly the breastfeeding all the time and co-sleeping. I think the co-sleeping started as we were young and hard up and I had a winter baby and getting up in the night was torture so I just had him in bed and I think he pretty well fed for 8 straight hours. My GP was very supportive, he was Indian and was very pro breastfeeding and co-sleeping which gave me confidence.

I started a routine at 6 weeks! Bath and bed routine

To share - my first had evening colic and at 3 weeks I didn't know how I would survive. We didn't do what you are doing and stayed up together until he went down at 10 and then I started the night feeds every couple of hours then on.

How did we survive? Evening colic doesn't last forever. By 6 weeks it had passed but hy 6 weeks he was on a different formula and bottles and seen a osteopath specialising in babies and we had an evening routi got bath bed and bottle from 7pm to get him to bed.

My first baby as above - never slept well but I could get him back to sleep faster. What worked for us as a couple was once a week I slept in the spare room at the weekend to get a full nights sleep to recover and during the week - my partner didn't need to leave for work till 7.30 so would take out son from 6am so I could at least stay in bed till 7.30. It's a small thing but that meant I could cope with interrupted sleep.

Op - hope you're sleeping at the moment. I know she seems fine with the 1200ml, but think about if you eat a huge amount all day long - your tummy might feel a bit gripey by the evening too even if outwardly all appears well.

Other things to try that may or may not have been mentioned -

• Camomile granules
• Enlisting a family member to help in an evening - I know my siblings baby will conk out on me over and above dad
• Being militant with winding during day feeds
• Sling/outdoor walk/pushing them round in the buggy in the house
• Taking her up with you at 8pm and napping with her
• Tiger in a tree hold

Hope it all settles soon

Co sleeping with a 4 week old is only safe for a breastfeeding mother - not advised for formula fed babies or other adults.

The op isn't breastfeeding. Just pointing out this cosleeping advice that keeps getting trotted out by people who haven't read the thread could end in tragedy.