To leave 4 week old to cry

[Toastmostwoast]

With their dad!?

I'm honestly not sure what other parents do in this situation so want to know whether IWBU.

First baby is 4 weeks old, has recently started a witching ‘hour’ which coincides with DHs weekday ‘shift’ with her while I have a nap.

Since he is back at work and needs to leave early I tend to sleep 8pm-12am and then do the night shift (12am - 6am) as she sleeps relatively well but nosily. However she has started to cry for the sake of crying every night between 8-11. During this time she will only settle if I cuddle or sing to her, she will also not be put down during this time.

For the past week I’ve been reducing my sleep time to support, as I know it’s stressful for DH to be sat with a screaming baby for 3-4 hours straight, I also know he has a tendency to overfeed during this time as he can misinterpret her hungry cues.

I currently have a stinking cold and am tempted to go back to my 8-12 sleep and just leave DH to deal with DD, as I’m knackered, but is that super unreasonable when I know she will be distressed and I can ‘fix’ it in minutes whereas DH will be struggling for hours?

I just can’t see any other way to get ‘solid’ rest, DH can’t do the 12-6 due to work and tbh she isn’t bad overnight, with my 4 hours ‘nap’ and the few hours I get between 12-6 I usually am quite well rested, but now with her 8-11 screaming sessions I feel so guilty even considering going back to sleeping while she is upset.

WIBU, is this what most parents do in this situation? As mentioned she is our first so I have no idea what’s normal.

I've only skim read the replies sorry OP but I just wanted to add to the voices suggesting you consider CMPA. All my babies had unsettled evenings for the first few months and i resigned myself to my fate somewhat, but my DS was different. He wasn't just grizzly/wanting to bf constantly through the evening like my others, he absolutely screamed inconsolably. My HV tried to fob me off with "it's normal, they do cluster feed you know" but I had experienced "normal" horrible evenings with my others and knew this was something different. My sister came to stay to help out for a bit and she also recognised it as something different to how her babies had been. It wasn't until he started having blood in his poo that anyone really listened to me, but once he was dairy free he was like a different baby.
Unsettled evenings are normal for many babies and do, thankfully, pass. But there are also medical reasons for some being very unsettled so if you are unsure, do seek professional advice. I hope things improve soon.

My ds does this some nights and usually trapped wind is the culprit. It might take a few hours but if we can shift it then he's out like a light. If you know she's fed, healthy, safe, warm and clean nappy then I think it's fine to leave your dh comforting her. I would say that both of you need to have the ability to tap out. When ds has really rough nights dh and I take it in turns so I'll do an hour or so then he will then I will because listening to hard crying like that for a prolonged period is extremely stressful and better to tap out than burn out. He's 3 months now and it's beginning to happen less and less. Also I find a bath is good for soothing at times.

Bit of a weird suggestion but ny DP found that blowing raspberries (kind of making a buzzing type noise) on/close to our DC's forehead worked when she was the same age. like white noise i guess. I would 100% recommend investing in a proper white noise machine (don't need an expensive one, just one that can run continuously). This helped me SO much with the grunty newborn sleeping, though like you I found it really hard to sleep through. She's now 2 and still uses the white noise machine, it's super helpful.

4 weeks old is too young, barely out of the womb, being sleep-deprived for 3 months is the least, no matter what other responsibilities you have.

It's why working mothers now get mat leave, even if it's just SMP. It's so that a mother can put their new-born infant first, even if it's just for 12 weeks.

Everything you're saying indicates hunger to me.

We went through this screaming every night thing with dd at around the same age. I had no idea why, she was a "three hour" clockwork feeder.

One night in sheer desperation I gave her an extra feed...and she was happy for an hour, then more screaming. Fed her again. Screaming stopped for an hour. Fed her again - and she slept beautifully for 6 hours! She was sleeping through at six weeks.

Some babies are cluster feeders at night. Their bodies demand repeated feeds until they are satiated. Then they sleep.

It seems like they're overfeeding, but they aren't. It's impossible to overfeed a baby.

She's spitting the dummy out in disgust because there's no milk in it.

Newborns can be exhausting. If she is sleeping relatively well between 12 and 6, count your blessings!
It is incredibly tough to begin with, but it will get easier.
Nap whenever your baby does and remember these days will pass.

OP as others have said she is eating an incredible amount of food. I would definitely assume silent reflux or similar.

You’ve described both my kids in your post. It did get better around the 12 week mark. We had carobel thickener with both children though and it helped. I think you need to try and find a way of getting a few more hours before the witching hour starts, catch up at weekends. You say you can’t co-sleep safely? It saved us with our second child and she spent a fair bit of time with us until about 9 months then started sleeping in her cot all night on her own.

Hi OP, our now 5 month old was like this and I can tell you it does get better...I think for us around 6 weeks a bit better then 10 weeks lots better. Her sleep is still not great mind you, and we co sleep for my sanity, with dh in the spare room. But I am at least getting enough sleep to function on. As others have suggested we muddled through and tried different things different nights...sometimes I would have to try and help settle, other times I passed out in exhaustion! I think the suggestion of you sleeping with baby on you with dh keeping an eye on you is a good one. Eventually we got to the point where I could settle her, gently transfer her over to dh then sprint off to bed and hope for the best! Could you start your nap earlier...7pm or even 6pm then at least you may have a chance of getting some sleep before the witching hour kicks in.

Sleep when baby sleeps.
This is never going to be in large blocks of time when the baby is so young.
You will adapt to getting sleep in snatches rather than blocks.
You need to work together with your partner to get rest, but I don't think splitting time 8-12 and 12-6 will work.

It seems like they're overfeeding, but they aren't. It's impossible to overfeed a baby.

It's not possible to overfeed a breastfed baby but it's definitely possible to overfeed a bottle fed baby. I've been a paeds nurse for 14 years and overfeeding is definitely an issue for some babies. The bottle teat stimulates a suck reflex on the roof of the baby's mouth so they automatically feed even if not hungry. OP's baby is already having more than she needs based on her weight.

Do not leave a 4 week old baby to cry it put ffs. Been in your belly for 9 months and now you want it to fend for itself. Lovely

Away with that sanctimonious shite. The baby is with its mother 20 hours a day and with its father for 4.

"Left to fend for itself" indeed.

Oh for gods sake will you just give people a break?

OP babies with reflux or wind or colic tend to feed more as they try and settle their uncomfortable stomach.
Sometimes things like colief or gripe water can help but it's a case of trial and error.
My DD had terrible colic due to her tongue tie as she took in too much air when feeding. Even though she fed all day and was a little bit unsettled, she was an absolute nightmare in the evening and would cry for hours.
It's worth looking into reflux, tongue tie etc

Poor you, it’s horrible to hear them crying like that. Mine had reflux and it was utterly miserable for the first 7 weeks. She couldn’t be put down at all, even changing her nappy resulted in screaming. Have you spoken to the health visitor or GP? Has he tried wearing a sling and walking around with her? Maybe he could take her out for a walk around the block and giver her bath and you start your shift an hour earlier? Can you get a fried or family member to come around and give you a break for a couple of hours in the afternoon? If not ge will have to suck it up…. You both need sleep

Who on earth has a baby and expects to get ‘solid rest’. If you know she’ll settle with you I don’t know how you could bear to leave her upset. It’s a phase, it will pass, you will get to sleep properly again one day. Presumably you are on maternity leave, this is part of why women are entitled to it, so they can care for their baby and don’t have to go to work the next day when they are tired.

Well I suppose a one day old baby who only has dad adjusts, your baby has you most of the time and doesn't want to go to anybody else. I don't think it is a real comparison to be honest with you.

Check about reflux with your doctor as this can cause crying. Also do get a baby sling as this really helps to settle and feel cosy.

@OutofControl3

did you not read the bit about baby being cuddled by dad after a feed??

op is hardly leaving baby in a garage with a camping stove and a tin of beans is she?

get a grip

I've just gone back to double check and it isn't episode 61, apparently I haven't listened to that one yet. The thing about ramping up and up was in Ep. 39: Can co-sleeping help prevent SIDS? Part 1

This! Maybe I’m just parenting war-weary (single parent) but it’s a difficult phase that nothing prepares you for but you just need to push through it. Babies want different parents for different things at different times in their lives, clearly during the 8pm period it is you and they come first

I used to put my ear plugs in in the furthest bedroom and sleep for 4 hours pre midnight too. It honestly kept me sane. I recommend it to all my new mum friends. Parenting in shifts till baby is 5-6 months old. Yes it's shit but you also need to be a functioning human and if that's what needs to happen to be functioning then do it. People say you can't pour from an empty jug then guilt trip you because baby needs mum. Nope. Baby needs love and cuddles to feel safe. That can come from either parent. DH will just have to work it out and find what works for him. My DH spent those hours standing up jigging her as there was a certain jig frequency she'd settle at. DD2 hated being jigged! The witching hour(s) is real and horrific. It is exacerbated by overtiredness so if you can get baby down earlier to overcome the overtiredness, even if it means a broken night of 3 hour bursts. I always felt 3 hours of sleep was golden!

The baby will be with dad who can feed it?? Weirdo

@Wingingit11

you can’t pour from an empty cup though.

op needs rest.

there is another parent in house that can cuddle baby - their dad.

baby will be fine with him. Might not be their first choice but they will be ok, safe and loved whilst op gets some rest.

how can that be bad??!

I would take another look at colic if I were you because reading the first line on Google isn’t exactly sufficient research. Also, your maternal instincts are trying to kick in…listen to them! Your husband will have to juggle those set in stone hours of rest you’ve set yourselves, even just for a few weeks. Take a nap during the day. The first few weeks are very hard, go easy on yourself and relax a bit! Lyndsey Hookway is fab. Congratulations! 💐