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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What would you do if you were us?

358 replies

BigOldOak · 23/02/2023 05:47

Sell or stay? Both turned 40 this month. DC 10 & 2.

YANBU Option 1- stay where we are. Been here 20+ years, nothing left to do to house, low maintenance, small garden, kids bedrooms aren’t massive, modern comforts and warm. Lovely safe community village, beach on doorstep, good neighbours, but are surrounded by them on all sides as an estate.
Small mortgage meaning no £ worries, DC could have private education, I don’t have to go back to work.

Option 2- move to large period house, lots of potential, barn (that could be converted and rented out), 2 acres, very secluded but can walk to the town. Needs a lot of maintenance cosmetic work as basic original eg old windows/kitchen/bathroom but nothing structural. Would have no/minimal money for renovations until I go back to work (which I’d planned to do when nursery free hours start), starting again with a big mortgage, tighter financial belt, no holidays/private school. DC could just about walk to the only school (huge with not a great reputation)

I love gardening and DIY, DH not so much. Big house and garden would be a dream forever home for us all but does it trump education and £ security? We have always been cautious but for some reason both feel like taking a leap!

Or are we having midlife crises?

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 23/02/2023 18:42

Stay. But then I'd kill for a beach on my doorstep

There may be an option 3 at some point, and now is NOT the time for big financial risks

DollyTubb · 23/02/2023 18:42

Never underestimate the stress that house renovations bring; washing up the pots in the bath loses its charming appeal after a few days. I'm not saying don't do it, just think carefully about kids (and your sanity) with rooms with no floorboards, kitchen out of commission, and plaster dust everywhere.

CherriesSpring · 23/02/2023 18:43

School is really important, why move to an area with a rubbish school?

macaronicheese123 · 23/02/2023 18:44

option 1 and go back to work now as you seem very clearly bored? you don’t need to wait for free nursery hours, sounds like you can afford to pay the bill.

Cecesme · 23/02/2023 18:45

We chose option 2....big grade II listed house with a large garden by the beach. While it is lovely to have a big house and the location is holy grail territory, I would choose option 1 if I had the choice again.

Don't underestimate how much time and energy a big house takes from you, not to mention huge bills, constant patching up, more space to clean/tidy. Plus the financial pressure which means less holidays, going out, no private school etc. Unless you have deep pockets, option number 2 will be a big drain in every way!

MB34 · 23/02/2023 18:45

We had a similar dilemma 2 years ago - we went with option 2.... it was a mistake. Have totally regretted it for the last 2 years! (Kids were 8,6 and 1 when we moved)

littlefireseverywhere · 23/02/2023 18:46

Smaller less risky dream house?

Bunnycat101 · 23/02/2023 18:49

With a 10yo you’d surely need to be deciding on secondary schools very soon- it doesn’t sound like you’ve got a particularly firm preference either way so I’d be upping the research on that front before you decide.

in also in the option 1 camp. The project feels too big. It is very extreme to go from a 3m2 version of ‘I like gardening’ to 2 acres. I like gardening for a few hours on a sunny weekend. I can’t manage our garden with a job and small children and have a gardener to help. What sounds fun while you’re at home quickly becomes a chore if you have a job.

daffodilday · 23/02/2023 18:55

Have a think about what would make you happier. Small/ no mortgage, or your dream house .

Inwiththenew · 23/02/2023 18:55

I’d stay put and put the kids in private school definitely. It’s also great for kids to have friends nearby so they can have some independence. You can’t put a price on that.

rosesandbees · 23/02/2023 18:58

Stay and get yourself an allotment!

airey · 23/02/2023 18:59

Had to reply because this is the position my parents were in in 1993!

they chose the big house as my mum craved space, especially for horses. So we had a big converted barn with a huge garden, rented a field. In the middle of nowhere.

all the money went into the house and the horses, but that was my mums choice. The garden was stunning and we had friends round all the time, they’d stay for days as there was so much room to accommodate them. We always had big bbqs and parties growing up, it was a disorganised but warm home with horses dogs and mud!

amazing place to have a childhood. But there was no way that after paying for the house and the horses that we could afford holidays or private school. As kids we obviously never had a say in this but on reflection I admire my mums choices, it was brave and wild but she had the dynamism to make it work.

my dad was away with work a lot but spent his weekends painting and maintaining things, then they’d have long evenings eating and drinking in the garden

as a result, for me, a suburban boring life is my idea of hell, and we plan to get out to build/buy a big house in the country just as soon as we can, to raise our two little DC’s. I never had the ski or beach holidays or nice cars so I don’t miss them!

so as you can tell I’m pretty firmly option 2 :)

Gjallerhorn · 23/02/2023 18:59

We are in our Autumn years and having money to have choices rather than a huge house was the decision we made at a similar age to you.

It was the right decision because a huge house is so much more work, less disposable income and then a few years ago I had a cataclysmic health event that I’m lucky I survived. I had to stop working and being away in the countryside for appointments and a pharmacy being so far away would have been awful, plus I couldn’t drive for a couple of years so would have been isolated. Okay that was a set of circumstances that hopefully doesn’t happen to most.

Salome61 · 23/02/2023 18:59

I agree with Option 1, sit tight and enjoy your money. We had a huge renovation project and unexpectedly my husband's health failed and our financial circumstances changed overnight. We never managed to renovate our house and when he died I had to sell at a great loss.

IndysMamaRex · 23/02/2023 19:00

Stay. Cost of living is too unpredictable atm, maybe asses again in a few years.

Plus holidays are the chance to create memories as a family. a luxury many have had to give up.

Can you be arsed with the stress of renovating a house with 2 children? Personally f**k that I could think of nothing worse

Moveoverdarlin · 23/02/2023 19:00

Option 2. We did this. Never regretted it. When your children are running around that 2 acres and your children have their weddings in your period house and family Christmases and kids parties it’ll be worth the extra money. I did it at age 39 too. Do it, you’ll never regret pushing yourself. Your kids will have an entire different life in the house you’re describing compared to one on a housing estate.

Scottishskifun · 23/02/2023 19:01

Honestly unless you have lots of pots of money sitting around then I would stay put for a few years, save and re-examine then.

I love period houses I live in one but they cost a lot to do up and whatever you budget you basically triple because as soon as you strip back you find a bodge job or more complex issue!
It has taken us 8 years and we still have the kitchen and bathroom to go as we then needed a new roof ontop of all the repairs and it still needs rewiring!

They are a labour of love and although I wouldn't move now but if someone told me it would cost me 40k and counting to do up I would have told them to keep it (and that's with us doing a lot of the work ourselves!(

Leggingslife · 23/02/2023 19:02

1

Chasedbythechaser · 23/02/2023 19:04

Option 1. I cannot see the appeal of option 2 at all.

You'd be crazy to take on unnecessary debt. For what? To grow old in a big house? Why would you even contemplate it? You are in a good place and you are happy. So many can only dream of having what you already have.

nicnac79 · 23/02/2023 19:04

No brainer, stay put. Why move to that period house only to have to start from scratch? It might be beautiful but is it worth the stress of renovation, another mortgage and not having the option send your children to private school. Before you know it you will be looking to downsize as the kids grow up. I'm in my 40's now and there's no way I'd put myself through that stress. Personally would stay where I am and enjoy it.

SouthernComforter · 23/02/2023 19:05

Could there be an Option 3, somewhere in the middle? With interest rates increasing (or at least a lot higher than they were a year ago) your Option 2 sounds like a risk. But I sympathise with the feeling of being stuck/stagnant (I too would move if I could, but DH won't). But you don't really need a barn and 2 acres, and life on a tight budget with no holidays or treats is unnecessarily mundane. Perhaps there is a slightly bigger period property out there for you that represents less of a risk?

Triflenot · 23/02/2023 19:06

Option 2 if your employment is secure.

CocoFifi · 23/02/2023 19:07

All depends if you are a play it safe person, or a person that takes risks. Personally I would take the risk, as I hate nothing more than life on an estate, surrounded by loads of people. Also I like a challenge. Your home is your home, not an investment. Good luck with your decision.

Blossomtoes · 23/02/2023 19:08

Do not buy a period house if you are skint!

In fact don’t even think about it. Our inglenook and beams have cost us a small fortune over the years. It’s a money pit.

EducatingArti · 23/02/2023 19:11

I'm thinking option 1 because it can be really hard for teenagers out in the sticks plus the current financial situation means it isn't a good idea to stretch yourself to your limits right now. It also does sound like there is a lot going for your current situation such as the beach etc.
However, I am wondering if you are the sort of person who needs creative projects. Can you use your creativity to think of ways you could scratch that itch without moving.
So, for example, you said you have extended your current house but crave space. Is there a way you can make a room or part of a room to be your own space just for you? If you can manage a chair with a nice view or something even better.
You like gardening but your garden is very small. Are there any, maybe elderly people in the village who seem to be struggling with their garden. Could you offer to do some work for them in exchange for a bit of land to grow veg, tool storage and use of a loo?
Maybe you are quite an outdoorsy kind of person and like the idea of having the children outdoors, having campfires, building dens etc. Could you plan short camping breaks where you could do these sorts of things, or maybe it might work to volunteer to help at a local cub/scouts group?
Are there any other creative/makerish hobbies you like or would like to learn where you could join a group to sew, dressmake, do ceramics, watercolours that would also scratch that itch?
You have a 2 year old. Are there any local church/community run toddler groups that would welcome another volunteer to think of additional maybe more unusual creative/sensory ideas with little ones (lots of ideas online that could inspire you)?
These might not be the exact ideas that scratch your particular creative itch but can you think laterally and come up with anything that might work for you?

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