To have said that the pain of bereavement never "goes away"

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Speaking with 2 colleagues at lunch today. One asked me when the pain of losing a sibling "went away" for me. Said colleague has lost a sibling unexpectedly within the last year (in early 20s). I lost a sibling in similar circumstances 15 years ago - colleagues know because I have raised funds and awareness ever since for the (small) charity supporting bereaved families.

I said - "never, it gets easier year by year but never goes away". Colleague asked further and I explained that big family events, anniversaries of death and birthdays, Christmas are still hard. I still get pangs when I think that my children will never know my sibling, it still feels unfair that they never got to experience all the things I am. I still occasionally have dreams with my sibling in which knock me for six for the day, or hear a song or visit a place which reminds me of them. But I can have pictures up in the house which include them, and I still talk about them when my children ask who it is (in an age appropriate way). I can talk about them and remember happy times without being consumed by grief in a way that I couldn't in the early days.

I didn't download all of this in one monologue, it was part of a long conversation initiated and driven by the colleague. Lunch finished and colleague went to the loo. Other colleague looked at me and said "wow, that was a bit insensitive of you. Just because that's your experience doesn't mean it's the same for everyone"

I was stung but just ignored. Bereaved colleague later thanked me for my honesty. WIBU to say what I did? I wouldn't ever volunteer but when directly asked I would never lie...

I lost a sibling 40+ years ago and it still knocks me for six sometimes. You are not wrong, it never goes away but our lives grow around the loss.

Your colleague isn't stupid, they will know every one will perhaps react differently. Don't worry about it. Other colleague is stirring.

That’s the nature of grief, you do learn to live alongside it, and experience joy and all of that, but it never goes away. How / why would it really?

I don’t think it would be any comfort to your bereaved colleague to pretend otherwise, I don’t think it would be comforting or believable.

I’m guessing the colleague who criticised you has no experience of bereavement, so just ignore.

I lost a sibling 10 years ago and you’re absolutely right x

I don't think you were unreasonable. Your colleague may well have appreciated speaking to someone who understands what they have been through and their experience may be different but right now their loss is recent so it is going to be tough anyway.

I've lost both parents. Can't say I'm "in pain" even though I loved them both. I have been in the past, it's had a real impact on me, but that's life. I'm not spending the rest of mine in pain because of a natural occurrence.

This is why I don’t talk to people about bereavement as they never understand. Of course it never goes away. People would rather you just glossed over it though. Sorry for your loss.

I think your honesty will be appreciated, and I think you are right, the pain doesn't go. It is truthful to say that in our own ways we learn to carry grief rather than get to a particular fork in the road.

IMO what is insensitive are the people who feel that at a certain point a bereaved person should just be over it somehow.

(I fortunately don’t know what it’s like to lose a sibling.)

It sounds like you and your recently bereaved colleague had a valuable discussion. It’s a shame that your other colleague was uncomfortable but that’s their issue, not yours. Unless you were sitting there arguing that your bereaved colleague was going to feel exactly the same as you, then you were definitely NBU. Bereavement/grief makes many people extremely uncomfortable, but it’s sadly a fact of life.

So yes, I think YABU.

La tristesse durera.

@AnOldCynic without wishing to enter into a grief competition, I don't believe that losing a parent (when they are old) or a grandparent is the same as losing a sibling or a child. There is nothing that feels "natural" about someone in their teens or early twenties dying.

I lost a sibling 30+ years ago and agree with what you say. New life events still prompt moments of sadness. Innocent c omments from my youngest brought tears to my eyes just the other day.

I think you sound very wise.

Do you ever listen to Griefcast?

I think it depends both on the situation and on the person. I thank God have yet to lose a sibling or a parent but cant say I feel any "pain" about losing my Grandparents or even my friend who died when we were teenagers. Yes I did at the time but I dont now.

I appreciate though everybody is different I just think grief is not a thing that can be compared and its pointless asking questions like when did the pain go away? As you could ask 100 people and get 100 different answers.

YANBU. Bereaved colleague asked; you answered honestly. Other colleague just sounds ignorant - you shouldn't have to sugar coat your feelings. I'm sorry for your loss.

I think your experience is not universal. So yes YABU.

Had other colleague never been bereaved? I agree with you OP, unless you have experienced that pain though I don’t think you can understand. I couldn’t and then I lost someone who loved for so long. It’s been 8 years but the grief never leaves . . . You just learn to live with it ❤️.

I would probably have said the same as you. I was 13 when my dad died. He is mostly a memory now and I sometimes feel sad about what he is missing in our lives.

One of the worst parts about losing my mum in December was constantly being told that the pain would never go away. They say that a lot of grief is fear about living without that person. It’s overwhelming to hear that message when you’re already battling shock.

I fully intend to recover from my beloved mothers death, to move forward and to enjoy my life to the max. It doesn’t really matter if that’s inaccurate, it’s the only thing I can do: I’m a positive person and I’m sick of being sad. I think the message could have been tempered possibly.

I am really sorry for your loss.

I think that to tell a newly bereaved person that the pain goes away, whether it's true or not, would have been cruel. That is not what someone who is newly bereaved needs to hear . Your colleague is mean

Its not the same and can't be compared.

YANBU Op. Having lost my only sibling at a young age it never goes away. You simply learn to live with the weight of it. The pain still takes my breath away sometimes.

Losing someone you love and the grief that comes with that, is like a massive wound. That wound always stays the same size. In the beginning all you think about is that wound, it hurts so much. As time passes, the wound is still there but other things surround the wound and sort of offer it protection. Family, friends, work, holidays, life in general, you laugh, you carry on etc. At certain times the wound bleeds (it may not have bled for a while) especially at certain times.

@StrictlyAFemaleFemale I'm not so sure on wise, but I've definitely spent a lot of time trying to process! I have never heard of Griefcast, what is that?

The colleague was asked a question about their own bereavement and respond so not asserting it was universal.