To have said that the pain of bereavement never "goes away"

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Speaking with 2 colleagues at lunch today. One asked me when the pain of losing a sibling "went away" for me. Said colleague has lost a sibling unexpectedly within the last year (in early 20s). I lost a sibling in similar circumstances 15 years ago - colleagues know because I have raised funds and awareness ever since for the (small) charity supporting bereaved families.

I said - "never, it gets easier year by year but never goes away". Colleague asked further and I explained that big family events, anniversaries of death and birthdays, Christmas are still hard. I still get pangs when I think that my children will never know my sibling, it still feels unfair that they never got to experience all the things I am. I still occasionally have dreams with my sibling in which knock me for six for the day, or hear a song or visit a place which reminds me of them. But I can have pictures up in the house which include them, and I still talk about them when my children ask who it is (in an age appropriate way). I can talk about them and remember happy times without being consumed by grief in a way that I couldn't in the early days.

I didn't download all of this in one monologue, it was part of a long conversation initiated and driven by the colleague. Lunch finished and colleague went to the loo. Other colleague looked at me and said "wow, that was a bit insensitive of you. Just because that's your experience doesn't mean it's the same for everyone"

I was stung but just ignored. Bereaved colleague later thanked me for my honesty. WIBU to say what I did? I wouldn't ever volunteer but when directly asked I would never lie...

@SlaveToTheVibe Was your mum of a 'normal' age to die? Because that is very different. It's a death in the natural order of things. Older people die, babies are born, life goes on. There is sadness and reflection, but no sense of waste or anger that a life was ended before it could be fully lived.

Everyone I know (including me) has had a beloved older relative die, but I'm not aware of any that are consumed by grief. In 20 years time, they won't be thinking "My grandma should be here, she should be experiencing this", because grandma would have been 100 years old if she'd lived!

But the younger deaths - those are a different matter. The emotions attached to them are so different, so raw and painful.

I know people say you can't rank grief, but I actually think you can. There are deaths that feel in the natural order of things (parents and grandparents at a timely age), and deaths that feel cruel and violent, and which somehow unsettle your foundations. (I'm not only talking about sudden or violent deaths - I'd include young people dying of cancer in this category.)

I didn't feel as bad as this, but there was definitely a stage when I was googling, "when do the chest pains stop with grief".

I think that if someone had told me it never goes away, I'd have felt even worse. I'd have liked to hear a more positive spin on it.

@LookingOldTheseDays

she was late seventies but she was fit and active, lively and young in attitude. In fact she spent last Mother’s Day climbing tree nets in a children’s park. So definitely struck down before her time, and there is widespread shock at her death which happened over five months. I do feel robbed. But I am completely accepting.

I know it’s so much worse for partners or siblings.

You were asked for your experience by someone going through something similar and were honest. I don’t want to never feel the pain again that my DS died. I remember talking to people further along the experience than me and reading about it too. You gave done nothing wrong and the other colleague making a judgement on you is denying your feelings (they are being insensitive to you surely) and wanting you to lie to your colleague which dismisses their feelings too. How would it help to hear that you don’t feel sad any more after 4 years or something? None of their business and so rude.

That is my DSis who died. A long time ago now as a young adult.

It is not a competition but for me the loss of a child is the worst pain of all and you never get over it - just find a way of living with the pain is the best way to describe things. It is short and simple and the message hits home without sounding like a martyr on the subject

I absolutely agree with you, and was about to say the same thing.
Your parents will die before you, if you're lucky you can have them well into adulthood. Losing the previous generation is sad but inevitable. Your siblings are different. It's far more painful.

@LookingOldTheseDays
Those are all very good points, and I was about to say the same. I have colleagues taking 6 months off when a parent died. What if every adult did this?
It definitely is different with siblings and (god forbid) children.

My mum died six weeks after my 18th birthday. She was just 45. I'm 48 now. And to be brutally honest, I am over it. The grieving, the loss, the pressure, other peoples opinions. It hasn't been 'painful' for about 15 years now. It's just... there, in the very back of my mind, a comfortable, familiar thing, but it isn't painful. My dad also died four years later to the week, at 50 years old, when I was 22. I'm over that too. So yes for some of us the pain does go away.

That's not to say that their deaths haven't affected my life very deeply over the years. There was a point in my early thirties where it was emotionally very rough for a couple of years again, particularly around having my own children, and a couple of adult friendship abandonment issues. But the pain of the losses themselves? That's gone.

I don't think you said anything that isn't already known. If I'd been your colleague I'd have appreciated your experience. The other one is bit clueless imo

Remember that generally when people speak - it's all about them. About their experiences, needs and perspectives. Even when they think they're being empathetic. They needed that sugar coated to feel comfortable, they think the pain shouldn't be overt, they think the colleague should have been spared, they wanted the conversation to be kept light. You answered honestly for you. It's not like you said their life is ruined. Think your second colleague is a bit of a twat. It is a big and unfair loss.

Exactly this. A young person dying is against nature's order. My parents have died, but it was nowhere near as traumatic as my son dying 15 years ago. You learn to live with the pain in time.

I agree with you, @Freysimo , and am sorry for your loss 💐

You cannot compare the loss of parents to a sibling, it is not the same kind of loss. We all know we will lose our parents one day, assuming things happen in the natural order.

Losing a sibling is totally different, it defies natural order. Your sibling is supposed to be with you throughout your whole life. It should be the longest relationship you have with anyone. I lost my sibling in 2012 when they were 39 years old. I thought I would have another 40 years with them, it makes me very sad to think of the missed milestones. I have also lost both parents by the way and as I say, it doesn’t compare.

if anyone ever comes to you and tells you that they have lost their sibling, please do not compare it to the loss of your parents.

Absolutely, @Aprilx
Well put.

My mum died when I was 7 and my sister died when I was in my late 20. Both a very long time ago now. I don't find it painful to be honest. Emotional yes.

I cannot even begin to imagine the pain of losing a child. Even though I've witnessed it close up.

I think if you live with them it's worse because they are part of your day. But when you're else where and they're an occasional phone call it's not so vivid. But this I just my experience.

My grief pattern on loosing my brother 20 years ago is similar to yours.
But, less than a year from their loss, I don't think I would have wanted to hear the grief never left - because all consumming pain of the first 18 months is very different to the stabs that hit me now.
I tend to say that the grief changes with time, but never totally goes.

I haven’t experienced losing a sibling. It’s not the same but I lost a very close friend when she was 34. I identify with what you say about the unfairness of it and what they are missing out on. When I do things with my children I’m sometimes overwhelmed by the unfairness that she will never do those things with her children and they are without their mum. When I turned 40 all I could think was ‘she will never be 40’ and I didn’t want to have a party without her.

I think what you said was actually comforting. That you find a way to live with it but also that your love for and link with the person who died doesn’t lessen over time.

Part of me feared that the pain would go away because that meant leaving my friend behind and loving her less.

I think your other colleague doesn’t understand.

As long as you framed it as 'this was my experience' then your colleague was being a dick.

I've not lost a sibling (thank God) but I have lost my parents and a very close friend to suicide.

I think your take on it is reasonable. Most days it's business as normal but even now, years later I still get pangs of abject sorrow. Surely it's normal...to miss the people and relationships you no longer have.

I completely agree with everything OP has said.

The loss of my mother altered my life but while I miss her I'm no longer in pain. I always knew I'd lose her eventually even if it was a lot younger than she should have gone (58)

The loss of my 14 year old is very different and will always cause pain as I wasn't 'meant' to love the rest of my life without them. A sibling is the same, you're meant to live most your life with them along side, so they will always be missing and there will always be pain.

It sounds to me like you handled it perfectly. You explained that the sharp all-consuming pain you feel at the beginning of a bereavement definitely changes and it can become something you co-exist with.

Of course everyone's journey is different and there's no 'right' way to do it. But at the same time I think your advice was wise as it lets colleague know that they're always going to miss and feel sad about their sibling but that inconsolable heartache at the beginning does lessen over time. And if it doesn't and a person finds themselves a bit 'stuck' then it's normal and healthy to seek extra help.

Well done OP. I don't think you were insensitive at all. You spoke from personal experience.

I agree with you on this. I lost my mum very suddenly and it was massively traumatic but at the same time, as an adult you know that at some point you will lose your parents. It's the 'natural order' of things. But there's nothing 'natural' about losing a child.

Losing a parent early in life isn't natural either. I was 16 when my DM died - I have now lived longer than she did. It did affect my life for years because of all the milestones in my life where I would have expected her to be present. However, I do think time gives distance and you do accept that this person is no longer directly present in your life. I have had over 30 years to accept what had happened. DH lost a sibling when he was young, and again, after 50 years, he is has been at a point of acceptance for some time.
The loss never goes away but I do think your ability to accept that it has happened does develop over time.

I lost my father at 17, 44 years ago. Yes I still think of him but good memories. I’m in my 60s, he was 49 when I was born so he wouldn’t still be alive now anyway. I’m sure it’s different when it’s a sibling.