To have said that the pain of bereavement never "goes away"

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Speaking with 2 colleagues at lunch today. One asked me when the pain of losing a sibling "went away" for me. Said colleague has lost a sibling unexpectedly within the last year (in early 20s). I lost a sibling in similar circumstances 15 years ago - colleagues know because I have raised funds and awareness ever since for the (small) charity supporting bereaved families.

I said - "never, it gets easier year by year but never goes away". Colleague asked further and I explained that big family events, anniversaries of death and birthdays, Christmas are still hard. I still get pangs when I think that my children will never know my sibling, it still feels unfair that they never got to experience all the things I am. I still occasionally have dreams with my sibling in which knock me for six for the day, or hear a song or visit a place which reminds me of them. But I can have pictures up in the house which include them, and I still talk about them when my children ask who it is (in an age appropriate way). I can talk about them and remember happy times without being consumed by grief in a way that I couldn't in the early days.

I didn't download all of this in one monologue, it was part of a long conversation initiated and driven by the colleague. Lunch finished and colleague went to the loo. Other colleague looked at me and said "wow, that was a bit insensitive of you. Just because that's your experience doesn't mean it's the same for everyone"

I was stung but just ignored. Bereaved colleague later thanked me for my honesty. WIBU to say what I did? I wouldn't ever volunteer but when directly asked I would never lie...

Yet you've ranked grief.

I could have emphasised more that everyone's experience would be different, but I was literally being asked about my experience so it didn't seem necessary

She never claimed it was universal. She was asked what it had been like for her.

YANBU. You shared your experience. The colleague that told you off is a twat.

The pain does go away though. My dad has been dead longer than I have been alive and I can't say I really ever think about it.

I would just say it's a cliché for a reason, but time is a great healer.

It’s a podcast - cariadlloyd.com/griefcast
It looks at grief and death from all sorts of perspectives. I found it helpful 12/18 months after my husband died in resolving some of my feelings

@echt I think you'll see that I said I don't think it's the same, not that one is worse than the other. When I lose my parents, I have no doubt that I'll be utterly torn apart. Possibly even more so than after losing my sibling. But it won't have the same feeling of unfairness (I hope) because I have known forever that one day my parents will die and that's the "natural" order of things.

I agree. Loss of parents and grandparents (presuming they live to a fairly normal age) isn’t the same as losing someone close to you at a young age.

Totally agree with this.

That means you can't have ever known your dad. He must have died before you were born in order to have been dead for longer than you've been alive.

Or did you mean something else?

I agree with this. Although I've not lost a sibling but another close family member. I think it never leaves you, you just learn to live with the pain and then it hits at times you don't expect it to. I'm glad you was honest with your work colleague.

The sharp pain changes and I suppose it very much depends on the circumstances, the person, the relationship with them, the tools they have available to cope, the support they have etc.

13 years on from a very significant loss in my life I do fleetingly think of the person every day, but not in a painful way. More just a "I remember when I did this with that person..." or "This person would have been glad I was doing this today..." or something like that. I will be reminded of them every day, but its not pain. I feel fully adjusted to it and adapted to it, and I haven't cried about it for many years. I tell my DD about this person and its with love and joy that I do - I tell her about the nice memories I had and what the person was like. I take her places I used to go with this person and I enjoy doing so. Its part of my history now. All part of the tapestry....

Yanbu - if someone asks you a question about your experience and it would have been disingenuous to lie. I think what you said was fine.

Completely agree OP. I was going to say just that.

My 33 year old husband died recently due to cancer. He left a child who is not even in school yet, without a dad for the rest of their life. I've got to face 50+ years of my life without him. It's incomprehensible. I had to sit and watch my husband die in my (only just) 30s. Nothing natural about that.

From someone recently bereaved, I wouldn't have found what you said at all insensitive. Those of us bereaved in traumatic events like mine, yours and your colleagues, tend to prefer realism and validation not pretence and being tiptoed around.

I completely agree that grief is different at different stages. When my grandmother died, she was in her 80s and content that death was coming. My Mum was really sad and misses her a lot.

But it's not at all the same for my Mum as my friend's little girl who lost her Mum at 9 and has to go through all of the major life milestones without her. She won't have the life with her Mum that most people have with theirs. That is devastating.

Your colleague is insensitive not you OP. You expect your siblings to be there throughout your entire life pretty much, it's a very unique relationship. I think you handled it really well.

I also agree, OP. Having lost my younger brother aged 20 and then subsequently lost my parents, I have definitely felt grief differently for the 3 of them.

I grieved very physically for my brother. I think maybe because he was a lot younger than me and I had a motherly relationship with him. It literally felt like my heart had been torn in 2 and I'm not entirely sure that feeling ever goes away. But day to day you learn to move forward and the pain is less intense. I'd never considered losing a sibling so the shock took a while to sink in as well.

I would always be honest if someone asked me. We need to get better at discussing grief. I don't see any benefit in pretending. It happens to us all at some point and we should be prepared.

I lost a sibling, a huge part of my life. I loved them so much.

Am I devastated and all consumed by it every day? No.

Do I wish they were here? Of course.

Do I enjoy life as much as anyone else? Yes.

Obviously at certain times of year/life events I wonder things, but I don't live in sadness.

I'm really happy actually.

Other colleague is a prick

It's been 7 years since my brother died. You get used to it but for me at least it doesn't hurt any less. It's not like i think about him all the time, or even every day. Not like in the beginning when I used to count the days, the weeks that he'd been gone. Though when it hits it's like it was yesterday.

You were honest, what else are you suppose to say?

So sorry for your loss, @Stepbumpstepbumpbump and indeed everyone in this thread who has lost someone, at any age.

There is no "right way" or best way to grieve. It hits us all differently, depending on relationships, temperaments, ages, situations, everything really. It comes over us like a stream in flood and you just have to hold on and try to breathe your way through however you can.

Yanbu OP. If I was asked the same, I might have said that the pain never goes away but it does change, and it changes you, and you change the pain in return, until it is a part of you that you can accept and live with. You grow around it like a tree forming a big knot over where a branch used to be.

(Lots of mixed metaphors! But nature seems to be a good source of similes here....)

OP, if you're worried about not coming across the right way then you could always follow up with a private message to your colleague. Something simple, saying that everyone experiences grief differently, that your thoughts are with them and that you'd be open to a follow up conversation if it could help.

Ignore the other colleague.

I also recommend Griefcast.

Nothing insensitive at all.

Your colleague sounds a bit obtuse.

Life is NEVER the same when you lose someone very close to you, the closer the person, the less same it is.

Time goes on and for many limps on for years.

My SIL described losing her child, as ten years of a dark black cloud directly over her head, then moving to just to the left of her head, but still very close and always there.

People get on with life but that chest pain, that awful grief that tightens your chest, that sadness that makes you well up at inexplicable times, THAT never leaves you, it just becomes something that you live with.

As time goes on it may somewhat lessen, and then out of nowhere, you are stricken with the confusion and disbelief of the finality of it all, all over again.

I experienced a significant bereavement in my 20s and I might have actually found it comforting to hear what you said back then.

You feel guilty at the idea of being happy again and scared at the idea of life of continuing and actually hearing that it's not like that would have been a comfort.

Nothing insensitive ime. The fact that your colleague thanked you for your honesty afterwards means that they were probably feeling pressured to get over their loss by others and felt reassured by you sharing your experience of grief and bereavement.

YANBU I think you were right to be honest with her. And you went into some explanation of the changing nature of your experience. Presumably she's an intelligent adult so to spout clichės at her would have been patronising and unhelpful.
When someone is going through a traumatic bereavement rather than one in the "natural order" (I agree with you on that) I think it's hard to find someone who can relate and be open about it. It's particularly isolating.
I found this after my son died and I know my other kids did too and they're still profoundly affected 10 years later although they say the pain is an intense ache rather than a sharp stabbing sensation now.
And I'm sorry for your loss