To have said that the pain of bereavement never "goes away"

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Speaking with 2 colleagues at lunch today. One asked me when the pain of losing a sibling "went away" for me. Said colleague has lost a sibling unexpectedly within the last year (in early 20s). I lost a sibling in similar circumstances 15 years ago - colleagues know because I have raised funds and awareness ever since for the (small) charity supporting bereaved families.

I said - "never, it gets easier year by year but never goes away". Colleague asked further and I explained that big family events, anniversaries of death and birthdays, Christmas are still hard. I still get pangs when I think that my children will never know my sibling, it still feels unfair that they never got to experience all the things I am. I still occasionally have dreams with my sibling in which knock me for six for the day, or hear a song or visit a place which reminds me of them. But I can have pictures up in the house which include them, and I still talk about them when my children ask who it is (in an age appropriate way). I can talk about them and remember happy times without being consumed by grief in a way that I couldn't in the early days.

I didn't download all of this in one monologue, it was part of a long conversation initiated and driven by the colleague. Lunch finished and colleague went to the loo. Other colleague looked at me and said "wow, that was a bit insensitive of you. Just because that's your experience doesn't mean it's the same for everyone"

I was stung but just ignored. Bereaved colleague later thanked me for my honesty. WIBU to say what I did? I wouldn't ever volunteer but when directly asked I would never lie...

Yes this, and I’m so sorry for your loss. My brother was 10 when he died, and my DH was 37 (same cancer!).

I am still grieving for the husband who should be waking up next to me and parenting my children with me (they were only 5 and 7 when he died). However I am not still grieving for my grandma who died the same year although I loved her very much. She had a long and happy life, and she was not a day to day presence in my life. Had she brought me up or lived with me I’m sure I’d feel differently.

Some deaths leave more suffering behind than others.

Yanbu. X

This. YWNU OP.

You were asked about your experience with grief and you were honest, nothing wrong with that at all. I’m often asked about having lost my mum young and I say it’s something I will never ever get over but time has taught me how to help myself get through the worst days. If people expect to lose a beloved family member and that one day you will feel “over it”, in my opinion they don’t understand what they’re asking. Lucky for them!
I think you handled that well and your colleague was rude. Talk about dismissing your loss and your pain. You were asked to share after all.

YWNBU

OP your description was spot on, the other colleague was a twat and doesn't have a clue.

Sorry to all those who are grieving xxx

DB was nineteen. It was very shortly after 9/11. Whenever September rolls around I can feel it but it does become much more bearable with the passing of time. Having lost both parents somewhat prematurely, that was so much easier than losing him in an accident, so suddenly
. However, I don't think it compares to the loss of a child. Those poor parents. I've worked with a few through charity work and their pain is immeasurable.

Sounds like my own experience of grief. Do you think the snarky colleague has ever lost someone close? In my personal experience people who have never lost anyone close don't like to talk about it, but those that have experienced it can talk about it more readily. Complete generalisation based on my own conversations with people I know. But I have considered that when you've lost someone close, you go on living with grief and you're more comfortable with discussing it - especially when you've lived with it a while and it's not so raw.

Your colleague asked, you answered honestly (but not with unnecessary negativity). Other colleague should wind their neck in.

I lost my only sibling in childhood and one parent in my 30s. The relationship with my parent was obviously much deeper and closer because I had them for so much longer. But whilst I miss my mum terribly and mourn her loss, she lived to a fair age and there is no sense of "this should never have happened / you should be here", which is inescapable when I think of my sibling.

@Stepbumpstepbumpbump I'm so sorry for your loss.

When I lost my mum, I was desperate to speak to other people who I knew had been through similar. I felt less alone.

You were not unreasonable in any way. You were truthful and I think they will be glad that they will one day be able to talk about their sibling without it feeling so raw.

Grief doesn’t ever go away.

I’ve had two very close losses and multiple other relatives too.

I don’t think YWBU with what you said.

But IME, the pain does go away. It’s raw and all consuming to start with but years down the line I’ve found it’s replaced with happier memories and I rarely feel sad anymore. For me anyway, it stopped feeling like raw grief and just felt more like an occasional empty feeling.

I don’t even remember the anniversaries now and don’t dwell on them.

I guess everyone is different though.

My mother died last year in her 80s, wracked with dementia. Her passing was peaceful and without pain. I grieved for the mother i once knew but it was a blessing.
It was nothing like my sisters death aged 50.. that was unfair as she had so much more to give. Grief affects people in different ways. There is no tight or wrong way.
It doesn't go away but learn to live with it day by day x

Op, I completely agree with you. I lost my brother 10 years ago, I was 22- he was 21.

My life is so full, and I've experienced so many firsts since then- getting married, buying a house, having my own son. Each happy moment I've loved, but it's been tinged with sadness that he's not there to experience those things too.

It feels like he's trapped in time, forever 21. And as I grow older I feel so conflicted- half wracked with guilt that I get to experience things that he never will- he would have made the most amazing dad. But the other half of me is scared that I'm leaving him behind.

I really feel that he's a part of who I am, he's there with me all the time, every day. Even when I'm not consciously thinking of him- he's shaped who I am. And I like the idea that the memories of him, and the love we still have for him keeps him here with us. Because really the greatest tragedy is that he was meant to be here with us- it was such a premature death, and it wasn't meant to be this way.

I think it's that prematurity that adds another layer of complexity to grief

Lost my sibling nearly five years ago and my mother last year. The everyday hurt of losing someone who was relatively young is quite different and endlessly poignant. Losing a parent is also devastating, but my mum was 90 and there was so much that I’m able to reconcile into bitter sweet memory. Sibling loss will remain, gone too soon and why oh why on a different level. If someone asks me about this, like you OP, I’m honest and that’s as it should be.

Oh dear

I'm in the minority but I had a couple of people say this to me when my dad died - saying it never goes away or it never gets that much better.

I realise that was their experience but I did feel very annoyed they said it. And it's not been my experience, thankfully.

i got even more annoyed when another friend lost her dad, far too early and in awful circumstances, she was six months into a difficult pregnancy and rang me in tears because someone had said "it never gets better, you'll probably find it gets worse because he won't meet the baby". I mean, why say that?!

It feels like when I had spinal injury and some people wanted to tell their stories of those who had similar and never recovered. These were all unsolicited though, I guess if she asked your view, it's different.

Your colleague is probably one of those people who say oh they're in a better place now. God I hate that! We don't know that at all it's just what people think will make us feel better.
Having lost my husband at 40 I would rather someone said it's shit. Because it is. There's no point glossing over it. The person who is bereaved probably couldn't feel much worse and it's better to acknowledge that than say they've gone to a better place

I lost friends in their 20s, in a terror attack. That took 15+ years to get over, but interestingly people seem surprised by that one. Like the fact they weren't family makes it lesser.

Total agree, it's incomparable

Don't feel bad, you gave your honest experience, some people get very uncomfortable with the topic of death.
For many grief has no finishing line especially when it involves a young person. It's not just the loss of the person, there's so many secondary losses that you are totally unaware of, until it happens to you.

YANBU. I lost someone I loved and it tore me apart. To cope, I went into Smith's and bought books on coping with grief and loss. All the books said what you said, that it never goes completely away, bit it gets easier and that birthdays and special days can hurt. This was exactly how I ended up feeling.

Yes oh yes

Not unreasonable. I've had similar situation with a friend recently who's lost a parent and wants the grief to be 'over'. As gently as possible I've explained that, in my experience, it's never over it just changes size and shape. It goes from being all encompassing to something you can pack away most of the time but that that is a process and it takes time.
I'd love to tell her the answer is 2 weeks, or a month, or 6 months as it's what she wants to hear but it would be a lie and not a helpful one.

@EmmaEmerald @PinkArt your responses echo my position. I am surprised to see I am very much in the minority here.

I feel like a shit human reading this thread.

I felt condemned to a life of misery when people kept telling me it never goes away.and implied that you never get over it and it made me so angry. We have been through a terrible time with my mums illness and the pain of watching her deteriorate then die was so much worse than her death.

she died just under three months ago and I am pretty fine, I would say my mood is back to normal. I adored my mum and her death was awful, but I no longer feel traumatised. I don’t think I’m in shock because there was so much anticipatory grief and also I spent December absolutely raw, I couldn’t even leave the house because I’d have panic attacks. January I was still very emotional. February I am ok, I am very very tired because preparing her house for sale was emotionally tough although more draining than anything else and I sleep in her bed in my house every night because I miss her.

But I can’t pretend what I don’t feel. I love my mum to bits but she died and I’m ok.

"wow, that was a bit insensitive of you. Just because that's your experience doesn't mean it's the same for everyone"

It does actually seem to be the same for everyone. I've never known anyone to say the pain of their bereavement went away completely.

It's different for everyone. DH lost his sister 49 years ago when she was 19. He feels nostalgic but says that it was so long ago that he doesn't feel grief stricken any more. He found that time really did make a difference.

My sister isn't in the best of health and I worry about her a lot.