To have said that the pain of bereavement never "goes away"

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Speaking with 2 colleagues at lunch today. One asked me when the pain of losing a sibling "went away" for me. Said colleague has lost a sibling unexpectedly within the last year (in early 20s). I lost a sibling in similar circumstances 15 years ago - colleagues know because I have raised funds and awareness ever since for the (small) charity supporting bereaved families.

I said - "never, it gets easier year by year but never goes away". Colleague asked further and I explained that big family events, anniversaries of death and birthdays, Christmas are still hard. I still get pangs when I think that my children will never know my sibling, it still feels unfair that they never got to experience all the things I am. I still occasionally have dreams with my sibling in which knock me for six for the day, or hear a song or visit a place which reminds me of them. But I can have pictures up in the house which include them, and I still talk about them when my children ask who it is (in an age appropriate way). I can talk about them and remember happy times without being consumed by grief in a way that I couldn't in the early days.

I didn't download all of this in one monologue, it was part of a long conversation initiated and driven by the colleague. Lunch finished and colleague went to the loo. Other colleague looked at me and said "wow, that was a bit insensitive of you. Just because that's your experience doesn't mean it's the same for everyone"

I was stung but just ignored. Bereaved colleague later thanked me for my honesty. WIBU to say what I did? I wouldn't ever volunteer but when directly asked I would never lie...

Well they asked -you- for -your- opinion based on -your- experience, so no YANBU.

Agree that it will be different for different people – my own experience is there are people and family I miss, but don’t feel ‘pain’ over many years down the line. For me I moved past the grieving stage and feel acceptance.

Your colleague was rude and overstepped with their comment, imo.

YANBU. You were asked about your own personal experience. That very much allows for variation between people.

I lost my sister 28 years ago when we were in our late twenties. I don't think about her all the time, not even every day, but sometimes, when I do, it feels as though it only happened yesterday. It just washes over me like a wave of pure pain. All the life she missed and all the life I've lived without her in it. Other times I happily chat to the DC about their auntie and enjoy telling them what she was like. DS1 has her dry, laser sharp, no words wasted, sense of humour, one of the things I miss about her most.

You didn't say anything wrong.

You weren’t insensitive - you were honest about your own experience. The bereaved colleague is an adult - they’ll have been able to differentiate what you said and what you meant. The other colleague who spoke to you is a meddling dick quite frankly.

Sorry for your loss. I lost a sibling when I was a teenager and I think the death of any close family is life changing - you may not be sad every day but you are irretrievably changed.

Yanbu.

Griefcast is a podcast by comedian Carrie Lloyd. She talks to a different person each week about someone they've lost. Usually comedians, sometimes others. I think of it as a spark notes for grief as they usually express what I'm feeling, but because they're comedians it's usually quite funny. I always feel better when I've listened.