Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you agreed to submit to your husband's authority when you married?

253 replies

GalaApples · 22/02/2023 18:55

If so, what made you agree? Was it a good decision?
I recently found out that this is a thing among some evangelical Christians, in the UK as well as in the US. Has it worked out for you? How do you feel about the man being the "head" of the house, and have his decisions been good ones or not? How do you feel about him making the final decisions about your marriage and family?

OP posts:
Newnamenewname109870 · 22/02/2023 20:13

Eh?

When this happens it is either:

  1. abuse
  2. a very privileged couple where the woman ‘plays at’ being a submissive housewife because she enjoys it and doesn’t have to deal with the shit that would happen if she was one with no choice. She doesn’t realise that it’s all fun and games when you’re rich and you like your husbands ideas and think you’re really sexy
ConkersandChaos · 22/02/2023 20:13

Wellthatwasweird · 22/02/2023 20:03

This. This is often forgotten is that the man is required to cherish and love his wife to the point of dying for her. Its very much a two way relationship.

Show quote history

I wouldn't want my husband to promise that he'd die for me, in fact that would make me very uncomfortable.

Courtorder · 22/02/2023 20:15

Last week, DH and I had a row because we were building a bunk bed for DS and he wanted to make it 70cm wide and I wanted it to be 80cm wide. His reasoning was that his gave more of a gap between the bed and the doorframe. My reasoning was that the mattress we were building it around was well in excess of 70cm. Even if I submit to his authority, the laws of physics won’t.

Wellthatwasweird · 22/02/2023 20:16

afinishedkiss · 22/02/2023 20:05

Where does sex come into this. Do you gave to have sex or are expected to have sex even if you are not in the mood?

For the sake of answering your question, it's like this. I think sex is very important if both people are fit and healthy enough to have sex, so I prefer to keep it a regular thing.

If I really don't feel like it, I won't do it but will try to reconnect soon after. If I'm a bit 'meh' about it (yeah I could but could I be bothered?), I go with the flow and generally am always glad I did. Even if there are no fireworks that time, its still a special time between us and I can enjoy the intimacy and affection without necessarily be really into that particular, um...session? But i wouldn't do it if I didn't want to and my husband wouldn't expect me to. If it's a no, it's a no, but if I'm feeling a bit 'maybe', then I go for it and never regret it.

Hope that makes sense!

MissHavishamsMouldyOldCake · 22/02/2023 20:16

Say a clever woman marries a less clever man. Why would she obey him if he's not capable of making wise decisions? It makes no sense. It's just centuries old misogyny.

And it's one thing if a woman makes a decision to submit to her husband in all areas of her life, but it's depressing as fuck to think they're demonstrating to their kids that this is what a relationship should be.

All hail the penis.

A tale as old as time.

Courtorder · 22/02/2023 20:16

ConkersandChaos · 22/02/2023 20:13

I wouldn't want my husband to promise that he'd die for me, in fact that would make me very uncomfortable.

Show quote history

DH would absolutely die for me and it scares the hell out of me because I can’t imagine living without him and the thought of being the reason that he’s gone would obliterate me.

Wellthatwasweird · 22/02/2023 20:17

ConkersandChaos · 22/02/2023 20:13

I wouldn't want my husband to promise that he'd die for me, in fact that would make me very uncomfortable.

Show quote history

Nobody makes anybody do anything. Marriage is entered into freely by Christians who fully understand the commitment they are agreeing to.

PermanentTemporary · 22/02/2023 20:22

I feel quite old when I read about women vowing to obey men. I've lived a long time, worked for over 30 years, been bereaved of a few people, and have lost every shred of religious feeling I ever had. What nonsense it all is.

Courgettecity · 22/02/2023 20:22

Our priest wouldn't let me say obey in our vows. He said it was a vow before God and I should only make one I could keep!
However I did go to a wedding last year and they talked a lot about 'husbandship' and the wife's role. She seemed happy enough but I find both parties very odd and difficult and very intolerant of anything that isn't their religion. (They were relatives which is why I was at the wedding in the first place). Oh they also barely knew each other. Odd experience

TessoftheDubonnet · 22/02/2023 20:23

What worries me that girls brought up in these sorts of households will get a very idealized and skewed idea of marital relationships. What if they end up marrying someone who is not kind and considerate, maybe even an abusive narcissist - which is quite likely, because I think this mindset is attractive to potential abusers .

SeigneurLapindeGrantham · 22/02/2023 20:23

Naunet · 22/02/2023 19:49

Why do women have to submit to men rather than God? Are you not valued enough to have a direct relationship with God?

Show quote history

I was thinking exactly the same thing. Why do you have to have a middle man to connect to God?

Etoile41 · 22/02/2023 20:26

Absolutely no way

ShakespearesBlister · 22/02/2023 20:26

Authority? Are you having a laugh?

Girasoli · 22/02/2023 20:26

No, and I had a church wedding - I don't think there's ever been an 'obey' option in the Catholic vows, and it hasn't been the standard option in the C of E vows for years either.

I have been to one Evangelical Christian wedding in the UK where the wife promised to submit to her new husband though (the wife was DHs childhood friend)

LuckyPeonies · 22/02/2023 20:27

Wellthatwasweird · 22/02/2023 20:07

I accept that people thinknits nonsense. I meant it's nice to do things without thinking 'what will I get out of this'. Thats all. My friend says she won't make her husband a coffee because he is a grown adult who can make his own. What's wrong with making your husband a cup of coffee just because you think he might like one? Or surprising him with his favourite dinner just because you know he will appreciate it? That's what I meant.

Show quote history

My husband and I are both atheists and we do kind things for each other daily. Caring for your spouse should be normal, regardless of religious belief. Your friend is either an unpleasant person, or her husband is not nice to her and therefore she is not inclined to do anything nice for him.

Wellthatwasweird · 22/02/2023 20:31

LuckyPeonies · 22/02/2023 20:27

My husband and I are both atheists and we do kind things for each other daily. Caring for your spouse should be normal, regardless of religious belief. Your friend is either an unpleasant person, or her husband is not nice to her and therefore she is not inclined to do anything nice for him.

Show quote history

I agree with you. I was just replying to a poster who said it was 'nonsense'.

MrsClatterbuck · 22/02/2023 20:32

afinishedkiss · 22/02/2023 20:05

Where does sex come into this. Do you gave to have sex or are expected to have sex even if you are not in the mood?

Not sure why but I follow The Transformed Wife on Facebook. Very disturbing. According to her wives must submit to their husbands in all things including never refusing sex and voting the same as him. No birth control children are homeschooled and not sent to evil public school
No college and definitely not for girls. In fact girls should stay at home learning how to keep house under their fathers protection until they marry and they are then under their husbands protection. Also women must stay home and not go out to work and no limit on the number of children.

Anyhow one of the saddest comments I saw on her page was a woman who was having pre martial classes with her fiance and pastor when the topic of how often to have sex came up why would that be discussed with your minister surely that is something personal anyhow she said maybe 2 or 3 times a week when her fiance said he expected it daily and she said in her comment that she does this for him. She didn't mention children but if they do have them I hope he didn't insist on this when she was pregnant and when p p. This is very prevalent in certain circles in America in the fundamental Evangelical community. Think the Duggars.

LuckyPeonies · 22/02/2023 20:32

Wellthatwasweird · 22/02/2023 20:31

I agree with you. I was just replying to a poster who said it was 'nonsense'.

Show quote history

Ah, okay. 🙂

mondaytosunday · 22/02/2023 20:37

Like the 'surrendered wife' thing a few years ago? I think it's a curious phenomenon, especially as the women seem quite strong people.

Lucylock · 22/02/2023 20:39

No because I am capable of thinking for myself

DoubleFunMum · 22/02/2023 20:42

I certainly did not. Nor would I ever.

JesPrinee · 22/02/2023 20:45

I did this I'm not ashamed to say. But I'd had a very traumatic childhood, I knew no different. He was the wage earner and as such, got the say on almost everything. 20yrs later however, I woke up. I wanted to share responsibility & riches, life and fun. He said no. It became untenable and I divorced. I'd never go back to that now. Sharing of responsibilities and roles would've saved our marriage. We were two separate people under one roof.

Butterflyhelp · 22/02/2023 20:45

It's odd to think how much times have changedin a relatively short time. Obey was completely normal and standard in CofE wedding vows until 1980 when it became an option.

I seem to recall Lady Diana Spencer (1981) did promise to obey and there was a big hoo haa when Sarah Ferguson (1986) chose not to.

I honestly can't remember if I did or not!

Siriusmuggle · 22/02/2023 20:50

Fuck that.

Lesina · 22/02/2023 20:52

Hahahhahahahah… bollox to that. Didn’t change my name ether