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AIBU?

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Original poster

To ask if you agreed to submit to your husband's authority when you married?

253 replies

GalaApples · 22/02/2023 18:55

If so, what made you agree? Was it a good decision?
I recently found out that this is a thing among some evangelical Christians, in the UK as well as in the US. Has it worked out for you? How do you feel about the man being the "head" of the house, and have his decisions been good ones or not? How do you feel about him making the final decisions about your marriage and family?

OP posts:
3LittleFishes · 22/02/2023 19:12

No, because why would I? Actually think about it....the decisions they could make 'in your best interests'.
Thankfully we have moved on from shite like that!

picklemewalnuts · 22/02/2023 19:12

Nope. Very old fashioned.

There's a stream of Christianity that that follows the theology of 'Headship' or something. I think the Bible reference is about wives honouring (obeying) their husbands, but husbands should lay down their life for their wife. So it's a mutual sacrifice, if you like.

It was not unreasonable at the time when marriages were contractual affairs organised by families. The wife has to agree to join her husband's dynasty, if you like, and support it rather than undermine it. In return he offers her protection.

It's completely irrelevant now, when we choose our own spouse and work out the dynamics as a couple.

GCAcademic · 22/02/2023 19:13

Er, no.

Nor did I change my last name or title.

TomatoSandwiches · 22/02/2023 19:14

I'm sorry but all I can hear now is Cartman from South Park saying " My Authority " which is as equally ridiculous and laughable as the idea of me submitting to my husband in any way.

shopmyfeelings · 22/02/2023 19:14

TheCaddieisaBaddie · 22/02/2023 19:04

Did I fuck. It was bad enough that I gave up my name.

You didn't have to!

tillyoumakeit · 22/02/2023 19:14

N4ish · 22/02/2023 19:01

You sound like you’re researching a newspaper article.

I was going to say this!

But in answer to your question OP, no I didn't and nor would I.

tillyoumakeit · 22/02/2023 19:15

TomatoSandwiches · 22/02/2023 19:14

I'm sorry but all I can hear now is Cartman from South Park saying " My Authority " which is as equally ridiculous and laughable as the idea of me submitting to my husband in any way.

😂

Iwillhavealargeone · 22/02/2023 19:15

My husband can't even decide what we're having for tea!

PermanentTemporary · 22/02/2023 19:15

No of course not.

I do have a University friend who is a devout Catholic who did this. She's also the major breadwinner of the family and nationally renowned in her field. I don't really know how she reconciles it all or what she does if her husband has a difference of opinion with her.

UthredofBattenberg · 22/02/2023 19:16

Did I fuck!! 🤣

Ludo19 · 22/02/2023 19:17

SingingSands · 22/02/2023 18:59

Never heard of that. Is that the new "obey"? I don't think it will catch on...

We promised our love, loyalty and trust to each other. Much nicer all round.

That's really lovely vows. Much more nicely worded.

UthredofBattenberg · 22/02/2023 19:18

TomatoSandwiches · 22/02/2023 19:14

I'm sorry but all I can hear now is Cartman from South Park saying " My Authority " which is as equally ridiculous and laughable as the idea of me submitting to my husband in any way.

"Respect my authoritah!"👮

ThatshallotBaby · 22/02/2023 19:18

No way Grin
We deliberately left obey out of the vows. Dh still brings it up and takes the piss

delusionsofadequacy · 22/02/2023 19:19

No, because I married a woman. Not that either of us 'submit' to each other....

Naunet · 22/02/2023 19:19

Isn’t there enough human history of women being expected to submit to men and how that tends to work out for women, to give you an answer?

NannyGythaOgg · 22/02/2023 19:19

Married in 1976 in a Roman Catholic Church.

I didn't, wouldn't and wasn't expected to say so

BathTangle · 22/02/2023 19:23

I have an evangelical Christian friend who promised to submit (22 years ago), based on the Ephesians quote a PP posted above. Even those of us who are practising Christians were a bit 😨about that. When we spoke about it, she said that she trusted that her DH would never make her submit to something unreasonable or that she wasn't comfortable with.

As it happens, he has followed her to the other side of the world as she moved with her job, and I would say that they are pretty balanced in their relationship overall.

Onnabugeisha · 22/02/2023 19:25

PleasantZen · 22/02/2023 19:07

Ephesians 5:22-24
Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.

This is exactly why I'm not a Christian

Meh. That was only Paul’s opinion that he wrote in a letter to the Ephesians. Of course he thought that as he was a full on bloody Roman and their culture has the pater familias thingamajig where the eldest man has life and death absolute authority over his entire family (not just his slaves).

The reason he wrote these nasty grams to the Ephesians is because the wayward sheep were actually ordaining some women as priests! OMG that will not do…back home wimmin and submit to your husbands.

The early Christian church was more liberal before the Roman disciples clamped down on the egalitarian elements.

Hadtochangeforthisone · 22/02/2023 19:25

It's all part of a bdsm spanking kink dressed up as religious obedience. It's all tied in with something called 'domestic discipline' whereby the 'head of the household' gets to spank his wife for infractions of behaviour.

It's just an excuse for those with a S&M kink to try and persuade themselves that what they get off on sexually is not dodgy...

You may not be surprised to know that this seems to be very much a Male dominant female submission trope.. so guess who gets the spanking with various belts paddles and canes ?

Personally - if that's your kink then just own it. Don't dress it up as some sort of massive adherence to Christianity !

LumpyandBumps · 22/02/2023 19:25

I did in my first marriage in 1980’s. I didn’t want to. Everything had been arranged for a church wedding and obey was optional and the minister was fine about omitting it.
On the final meeting prior to the wedding he had been sent elsewhere and his replacement refused to take it out. I was very young and everything had been arranged and paid for and I decided it was better than not getting married at all. I don’t THINK that entering into the marriage with the intention of ignoring one of the vows had any bearing on its eventual failure.
When I married for the second time it was a civil ceremony, and when arranging it the first thing I said was that I wouldn’t agree to obey. The young woman didn’t even know what I was talking about.

Maray1967 · 22/02/2023 19:29

TheCaddieisaBaddie · 22/02/2023 19:04

Did I fuck. It was bad enough that I gave up my name.

I only part gave up my name - kept mine for work.
Am falling about laughing at the idea of submitting to DH’s ‘authority’. I accept that he knows more about the cars and internet than I do, because I don’t take enough of an interest.
On financial matters I’m in charge. I doubt he knows how much is left to pay on the mortgage.

OptimisticSix · 22/02/2023 19:29

I agreed to my husband submitting to my authority. Sadly he did not so we remain equal... As to me submitting to his, would never happen 😁

OptimisticSix · 22/02/2023 19:30

I agreed to my husband submitting to my authority. Sadly he did not so we remain equal... As to me submitting to his, would never happen

Sunsetintheeast · 22/02/2023 19:33

My DH tends to be dickHead of the household, is that near enough?

JunkinDonuts · 22/02/2023 19:33

If I'd have promised to obey or submit to my DH when taking our vows, you wouldn't have heard the rest of the ceremony for my families laughter.