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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you agreed to submit to your husband's authority when you married?

253 replies

GalaApples · 22/02/2023 18:55

If so, what made you agree? Was it a good decision?
I recently found out that this is a thing among some evangelical Christians, in the UK as well as in the US. Has it worked out for you? How do you feel about the man being the "head" of the house, and have his decisions been good ones or not? How do you feel about him making the final decisions about your marriage and family?

OP posts:
TennisWithDeborah · 22/02/2023 19:33

The two examples given above of women who did this are interesting, because in both cases they’re high-achieving. The sort of man with the self-assurance and minerals to marry a smart woman isn’t the sort of man to be the “I’m head of the household” type because he’s comfortable in his own skin and respects women. Men who genuinely want to rule the roost don’t marry successful women, they “marry down” because they’re a bit nervous of strong, clever women. So I don’t think that the husbands in those two examples would ever exert their authority tbh. But I’m sure that there are other marriages where it’s more sinister.

BiddyPop · 22/02/2023 19:34

No. I didn't promise to obey (and my uncle was the priest so I could tell him to make sure not to include it!) and I also didn't take his name.

But we are still married and generally chugging along happily after more than 20 years.

watchfulwishes · 22/02/2023 19:35

AHHAHAHAHAHAHA

Partyandbullshit · 22/02/2023 19:36

TomatoSandwiches · 22/02/2023 19:14

I'm sorry but all I can hear now is Cartman from South Park saying " My Authority " which is as equally ridiculous and laughable as the idea of me submitting to my husband in any way.

Me too 😂

I think my DH would be quite alarmed to learn he had authority over me. Not sure he’d know what to do with it 🤔

BiddyPop · 22/02/2023 19:36

Sometimes he makes the decisions after discussions and sometimes I do. But we generally see him as the head of the family.

(I do more cooking, he does lots of laundry and all the ironing, I've been known to fix sockets and plumbing etc....it's a partnership).

PurBal · 22/02/2023 19:38

I didn’t promised to obey, I am a Christian but not evangelical. DH is an atheist.
Brothers wives did, all evangelical Christians.
One brother believes in the theology of complementarianism. I cried when his daughter was born knowing he doesn’t believe that she can achieve anything she wants to because she is female.

pigsDOfly · 22/02/2023 19:38

That probably works best in those relationships where the man is a controlling arsehole.

Rightsraptor · 22/02/2023 19:40

I don't think Mumsnet is going to provide you with many obedient women OP. Not that kind of forum

LuckyPeonies · 22/02/2023 19:41

I am an atheist, so not a chance. It’s just another blatant attempt to control women, just like the anti-abortion zealotry. 😠

DoYouRememberTheInnMiranda · 22/02/2023 19:44

I promised to love, honour and submit to, and he promised to love, honour and serve. It was recognising that passage from Ephesians 5 (and the one following it about husbands laying down their lives to serve their wives).

In practice, I can't think of any situations where it's been a problem, or even a thing to think about really. We make mutual decisions and each consider the other's viewpoint. I've promised I would submit if necessary, and I guess I would let him have the final say on things if it came to it, but it never has.

One thing that would challenge me is if we had strongly held opposing views on what was best for the children. Submitting to a decision against my own better judgement that somehow disadvantages me I think I could live with (and I would know my submission is freely given, not enforced anyway) but I don't know what I'd do if he strongly felt the kids should board at 7 or something and insisted. Pray it never comes up I guess. And I know in practice he wouldn't ask me to do something I felt so unhappy with for their sake.

ladygindiva · 22/02/2023 19:45

My mum married in 1968, no idea if she agreed to obey, but she 100% doesn't submit to anyone, least of all my dad, and if I ever marry I'll be following her stellar example.

VestaTilley · 22/02/2023 19:46

No. And DH and I are Christians.

I didn’t do the “obey” thing either, nor did I change my name.

Nellieinthebarn · 22/02/2023 19:46

No I didn't, and it would've been a lie if I had. But I have thought over the years that life would be simpler if he just obeyed me.

Wellthatwasweird · 22/02/2023 19:47

I'm a Christian and I do this 🙋
It's supposed to be three way relationship with God as the head of the couple, the husband submits to God and cherishes the wife and the wife honours the husband (and in submitting to her husband, she is actually submitting to God via the husband, if that makes sense).

As a wife I'm not a shrinking violet or browbeaten weakling, or some kind of Stepford wife. I speak my mind when I need to and my husband listens. We work out solutions as a team, my husband values my input and seeks my opinion but ultimately he is the team leader in our home. It helps me to be more Christlike and gives me the opportunity to live out the Gospel in my marriage. I like having opportunities to be kind and thoughtful to my husband without expecting anything in return. My husband is kind and respectful to me, so it's not hard. However in cases where there is conflict, I have seen how just softening my approach to him when I feel angry actually diffuses the issue or opens up dialogue where we can drop our defences.

I'm a pretty normal woman with a happy marriage so it certainly works for us anyway. This most certainly isn't for everyone, but there you have it!

Hopefully some other Christian ladies will be on to share their experiences so I'm not the only one laying everything bare! 😂

afinishedkiss · 22/02/2023 19:47

Not on your nellie. I kept my own name, money, bank account, etc.
I make my own decisions and if a situation arises where it will affect DH, we make that decision together.
I could not breathe in a relationship where only my husband had the final say or was head of the family or worse still had control of the purse strings. That’s a half life.

weegiemum · 22/02/2023 19:47

We used a set of Church of Scotland vows that said "to love and to serve, as Christ commands" for both of us.

We're fairly serious Christians, go to a small baptist church now, but "obey" was never an option. That comes from Ephesians 5 and the sentence before "wives, submit to your husbands" reads "submit to one another out of reverence for Christ" and that's what we follow in our relationship. It works well for us, no one is in charge, we listen to each other and come to a mutual understanding.

mbosnz · 22/02/2023 19:48

I didn't promise to obey - we both giggled inanely at the mere thought.

When it comes to making decisions we take mutual responsibility - as equal adults. It's saved an awful lot of blame games for shit decisions we have mutually made.

Having a penis doesn't make a person more likely to make a better choice.

Name999999 · 22/02/2023 19:48

I still can’t believe A I gave up my name and B my uncle ‘gave me away’ as my dad is dead. I so wish I had asked my Mum and Grandmother to do it together.

no chance of me ever obeying.

Naunet · 22/02/2023 19:49

Wellthatwasweird · 22/02/2023 19:47

I'm a Christian and I do this 🙋
It's supposed to be three way relationship with God as the head of the couple, the husband submits to God and cherishes the wife and the wife honours the husband (and in submitting to her husband, she is actually submitting to God via the husband, if that makes sense).

As a wife I'm not a shrinking violet or browbeaten weakling, or some kind of Stepford wife. I speak my mind when I need to and my husband listens. We work out solutions as a team, my husband values my input and seeks my opinion but ultimately he is the team leader in our home. It helps me to be more Christlike and gives me the opportunity to live out the Gospel in my marriage. I like having opportunities to be kind and thoughtful to my husband without expecting anything in return. My husband is kind and respectful to me, so it's not hard. However in cases where there is conflict, I have seen how just softening my approach to him when I feel angry actually diffuses the issue or opens up dialogue where we can drop our defences.

I'm a pretty normal woman with a happy marriage so it certainly works for us anyway. This most certainly isn't for everyone, but there you have it!

Hopefully some other Christian ladies will be on to share their experiences so I'm not the only one laying everything bare! 😂

Why do women have to submit to men rather than God? Are you not valued enough to have a direct relationship with God?

ChaToilLeam · 22/02/2023 19:49

If I’m ever kidnapped, this is how I will let you know I need help.

Meifly · 22/02/2023 19:49

Is there an option for it to be the other way round? 🤔

Not sure partner would agree but I'd be willing to give THAT a shot 😉

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 22/02/2023 19:50

I hardly think so.

Lavender14 · 22/02/2023 19:50

We changed "to honour and obey" to "honour and respect"

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 22/02/2023 19:50

Meifly · 22/02/2023 19:49

Is there an option for it to be the other way round? 🤔

Not sure partner would agree but I'd be willing to give THAT a shot 😉

Now that would be fun!

KohlaParasaurus · 22/02/2023 19:52

No. In my first marriage (church, huge wedding with all the trimmings) I could have had "obey" included in the vows but I said no. In my second marriage the possibility never arose.