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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It’s my dog, not our dog

290 replies

Bieder · 22/02/2023 15:18

My wife and I live in separate houses - I live in the countryside and she lives in the city. A couple of years into our marriage I decided to buy a puppy because I always wanted a dog and I have the space and the time now. I brought the dog up, trained him etc. and he’s with me all of the time apart from the odd week when I go on a business trip (2-3 times a year), and then my wife looks after him at her place. My wife loves the dog and indulges him which can sometimes lead to a bit of conflict as I feel she undermines his training. But I’m petty happy to trust her with him and glad they get on so well. So this isn’t the issue.
The issue we had an argument about recently is that she stated he was “our” dog, and I corrected her, insisting he was mine. She got quite upset about that and said because we’re married we share everything, and hence the dog is our dog. I love my dog very much and invested so much time in bringing him up well and looking after him. He has a great, happy life with me in the countryside. I regard him as my dog and I don’t like it that she simply assumes there is this joint responsibility and custodianship. I find it hard to see the issue from her point of view. AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
Bieder · 23/02/2023 08:57

Dozycuntlaters · 23/02/2023 08:49

The dog is your dog for sure. I have a dog, and if I ever got married she will always be my dog. However, it doesn't do any harm for your wife to refer to him (you really need to call him Simon) as our dog. She probably wants to feel involved as she knows he's so special to you.

Odd though that you don't live together. Sensible also, I think if I ever got married again that might be the way to go!!

I posted here for the first time yesterday and some of the responses were so genuinely helpful that I’m glad I did. I have spoken with my wife last night and explained where I think my reaction came from and I also apologised for upsetting her. She can call him “our” dog and I don’t have to take that so literally. I also reiterated how much I appreciate that she loves him and that she looks after him so well when I have to go away. Then we went to walk the dog together ☺️

OP posts:
Original poster
Bieder · 23/02/2023 08:59

SoCunningYouCanStickATailOnItAndCallItAFox · 23/02/2023 07:59

Technically: your dog
Morally in the event of a split: your dog
So lovely that she sees your dog as part of her family ❤️🐾 : our dog
In your dogs eyes she's a member of his pack: our dog
She loves him too: our dog
Is anyone denying you've put the 99% of graft in and made him the dog he is, no?: Your dog
Can you trust she would do everything and care for him if something happened to you, yes?: our dog.

I think you need to give your wife a big hug and say you're so glad she accepts and loves your joint dog, and of course you recognise that she is family and using the word is not a denial of the split of the responsibility you both take or time and effort you have put in.
You were silly to ever think the phrase 'our' dog meant she was usurping your role or erasing all your hard work. She would never do that because she knows you did the work and she loves you, but she loves the dog and that doesn't need to change.
The dog is our dog for all the important reasons that count. That doesn't take away anything from what you've done or what that dog means to you.
Pretty sure the dogs heart is big enough for both of you.

Yes, and I said all of that to her last night 😅 thank you for this lovely response.

OP posts:
HeatherMac007 · 23/02/2023 08:59

follyfoot37 · 23/02/2023 06:48

Those having a pop atv@Bieder re their living arrangement should wind their necks in. Plentry of couples live separately quite happily; Helena Bonham-Carter and Tim Burton for example.
You and your perfectly normal (boring) arrangements, who witter on in this forum about accepting 'everything about being a mother because society will die without us", need to accept that other ways of being are just as valed.

Hate to disappoint you but-
HBC and Tim Burton were never married and also they spilt up almost a decade ago.......

I'd be more concerned about OPs insistence that it's his dog because he paid for it and buys all its food because resources (ie money) should be willingly shared in a marriage/family unit imo. Sounds to me there are a few red flags for this relationship.

Original poster
Bieder · 23/02/2023 09:02

SiennaT · 23/02/2023 08:01

Are you autistic? It sounds like you’re fixating on the literal description which is a common characteristic of autism (I’m autistic so recognise this). If this is the case, that would explain your very different approach to this that the neurotypical person can’t understand.

If not, I think your worried about the implications of your wife having ownership and perhaps that’s because you don’t believe there’s a future for this marriage?

i think your wife is hurt because she feels this from you and worries about the implications of you insisting it’s your dog. She picks up on the subtle nuances of your indecision and is feeling anxious and unstable about that.

Reassure your wife or let her know why you’re worried. Either way, she doesn’t deserve this unthoughtful behaviour.

That is a very thoughtful response, thank you. I don’t think I’m autistic. I apologised to my wife last night and explained why I think I may have reacted that way. Some of the messages on this thread helped me to understand, so I’m glad I posted here.

OP posts:
user1465390476 · 23/02/2023 09:03

My ddog recently died and so many people claimed she was their best friend. I can’t say I wasn’t slightly irked by this at times because she and I spent all our time together. However I quickly realised it was testament to how wonderful she was that so many people said this. She was just the best dog ever and I have to remember that.

macaronicheese123 · 23/02/2023 09:04

never mind the dog! what sort of marriage is that? i’d be more worried about that!

DangerousAlchemy · 23/02/2023 09:06

YANBU as you live separately so he's more 'your dog' but you are being dramatic and petty about the situation and if someone asked your wife 'have you got any pets?' I'm sure she'd reply with 'yes we have a dog' - NOT 'my husband has a dog' - which frankly just sounds odd! We have 3 elderly rats which my DH never wanted but I know if asked he would say he has 3 pet rats. The same with our rescue cat who recently died. He would never say 'my wife has 3 rats etc'. I've chosen almost every piece of furniture in our house yet I wouldn't call it my sofa, my kettle, my curtains etc. Though I would refer to DH car as his car as I never drive it....

NKFell · 23/02/2023 09:08

smileladiesplease · 22/02/2023 15:29

I simply have no idea what you are on about op

Your set up bizarre. I want the dog to post I bet he has some thoughts on this

I thought the exact same thing. I bet that dog could tell some tales.

Tessasanderson · 23/02/2023 09:14

Of course YABU. You are married, the dog is hers as much as yours.

I wonder how you would approach it if you had a child together.....the mind boggles

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 23/02/2023 09:17

Well you have your own houses & your married, so to argue over a dog is a bit strange when you don't even live together. Confused

MojoDaysxx · 23/02/2023 09:18

If you love your wife, then the dog belongs to both of you. Clearly, your wife loves the dog. It's a bit cruel IMHO to not let her feel its her dog too.

NKFell · 23/02/2023 09:18

@Bieder I used to get enraged when my ex would take what I saw was mine. It could have been shampoo I'd bought with myself in mind, or a pack of socks. If he asked I didn't mind at all but if he didn't it really (REALLY!) bothered me! For me, I think it was a control issue and what you're feeling could be quite different but thought I'd put it out there.

It's awful when you're bothered by something and neither you or others know why! We defo need the dog's input 😉

ArrrMeHearties · 23/02/2023 09:19

Dh and I live in the same house and have a dog. Ddog is "my" dog in the sense of his microchip and vet records are in my name but he is very much our dog as he is ds's as he is our family dog. Dh and I split costs for his care just like the rest of the bills

Friedcabbage · 23/02/2023 09:22

I think I understand you in a way OP. My partner is happiest when there’s a dog in his life and we’re planning on getting a dog in the near future. We do live together but the dog will be very much his (though to others I’d probably say “we’ve got a dog”). We will share the costs and workload but from a bonding pov, I know he’ll be the special human. I’d fully accept if we split the dog would stay with him.

Serpensortia · 23/02/2023 09:25

This might seem a little daft, but it's not really when you think of it. See it from the dogs perspective. I'm sure he knows you're his 'master', but I'm sure he's also very fond of your wife too. As far as he's concerned, you both bring a lot of love to the table for him. This is a grim prospect but stay with me, if you died suddenly who would you like to take care of your dog for you? I'd wager it would be your wife. Just allow her to feel she 'co-owns' him. It means nothing ultimately, she's not trying to take your dog from you. She just loves him too, and that's great for your dog.

SoCunningYouCanStickATailOnItAndCallItAFox · 23/02/2023 09:36

Bieder · 23/02/2023 08:57

I posted here for the first time yesterday and some of the responses were so genuinely helpful that I’m glad I did. I have spoken with my wife last night and explained where I think my reaction came from and I also apologised for upsetting her. She can call him “our” dog and I don’t have to take that so literally. I also reiterated how much I appreciate that she loves him and that she looks after him so well when I have to go away. Then we went to walk the dog together ☺️

Show quote history

Awwwwww. Your wife must be very forgiving as she could have been very hurt by your reaction. So that's a nice ending.

silverbubbles · 23/02/2023 09:37

Sounds like he is your dog but I understand why you wife might live in a different house too.

SerafinasGoose · 23/02/2023 09:38

LadyJ2023 · 22/02/2023 20:29

Sorry am I missing something what a weird marriage if you can even call it that. There's big issuses and it ain't the poor dog

I don't think so; albeit at least one King Charles quip was inevitable on this thread! The situation that immediately sprung to mind for me was that of Chris Packham and his partner, which he's been very open and heartfelt about sharing. It's mirrored by OP's post, both in the couple's living situation and Packham's overwhelming love for his dogs. This love is clearly something that feels safer and unthreatening to him - his dogs need him in a way no human can - because of his autism. Happily for him, he has a partner who clearly loves him for who he is and is able to understand this.

As a disclaimer, I'm not suggesting for one moment that ASD is the only acceptable or understandable reason for a couple choosing to live apart. Whatever that reason is, OP and his wife are clearly happy with it. Beyond that, it's no one else's business. It still surprises me how wedded we as a society are to conventionality, and the moment something deviates from that, people jump to assume it's dysfunctional or wrong.

OP, I do think it's wise to examine the underlying reasons why your wife's laying claim to the dog as 'ours' bothers you so much. Kudos to you for taking on that advice.

wetotter · 23/02/2023 09:53

I don't think you're being unreasonable, but I do think you're making a mountain out of a molehill

user1492757084 · 23/02/2023 10:00

I agree. Dogs are part of the family. My husband has four sheep working dogs. He trains them and they nearly always are with him though I will take them to vet for vaccinations, play with them and buy their food etc. I am proud of my husband's dog working abilities. I call them our dogs.
I think it is the exclusion that your wife minds. The fact that you are pedantic. She doesn't want to change any of the dog arrangements but wants respect as part of the dog's family. She also has supported you in your alone dog activities and is probably fond of seeing you with dog. She's not a stranger but your spouse.
If your wife tended the vegie patch, would she be upset if you called it our vegie garden?

oakleaffy · 23/02/2023 10:04

@Bieder Clearly, you don't have children.Just as well, or the bickering and your jealousy could be ridiculous and damaging to the kids.

fluffylampbear · 23/02/2023 10:05

wow you sound pretty selfish. She is your wife! Couples share, especially pets. So weird to be so snarky about the poor dog that she loves and also looks after. If I were her I would be reconsidering the relationship - these kinds of petty complaints really show you a lot about a person.

Pardon44 · 23/02/2023 10:08

I'll tell my husband the kids are my kids because I do everything for them and spend 95% of the time with them.

BabyTa · 23/02/2023 10:14

Yes, you are an A-hole

whattodo1975 · 23/02/2023 10:18

Its weird you don't live in the same house as your wife.

As you dont live together, the fact you are married is a bit irrelevant in terms of who the dog belongs to (he is your dog, as lives with you).