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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It’s my dog, not our dog

290 replies

Bieder · 22/02/2023 15:18

My wife and I live in separate houses - I live in the countryside and she lives in the city. A couple of years into our marriage I decided to buy a puppy because I always wanted a dog and I have the space and the time now. I brought the dog up, trained him etc. and he’s with me all of the time apart from the odd week when I go on a business trip (2-3 times a year), and then my wife looks after him at her place. My wife loves the dog and indulges him which can sometimes lead to a bit of conflict as I feel she undermines his training. But I’m petty happy to trust her with him and glad they get on so well. So this isn’t the issue.
The issue we had an argument about recently is that she stated he was “our” dog, and I corrected her, insisting he was mine. She got quite upset about that and said because we’re married we share everything, and hence the dog is our dog. I love my dog very much and invested so much time in bringing him up well and looking after him. He has a great, happy life with me in the countryside. I regard him as my dog and I don’t like it that she simply assumes there is this joint responsibility and custodianship. I find it hard to see the issue from her point of view. AIBU?

OP posts:
follyfoot37 · 23/02/2023 06:48

Those having a pop atv@Bieder re their living arrangement should wind their necks in. Plentry of couples live separately quite happily; Helena Bonham-Carter and Tim Burton for example.
You and your perfectly normal (boring) arrangements, who witter on in this forum about accepting 'everything about being a mother because society will die without us", need to accept that other ways of being are just as valed.

Banchory · 23/02/2023 06:52

My dh never wanted a dog.
After the cat died I persuaded him to let me have a dog and the inevitable happened, she much prefers him to me.
However she is and always will be my dog.
Obviously dh would say our dog now but he made it clear initially that she would be my responsibility and he wanted nothing to do with her.
I let him say our dog though, but my names on the paperwork and dogs are possessions in law.

Thepossibility · 23/02/2023 06:53

I think it was an unnecessarily hurtful thing to say unless she's trying to take him from you while seperating. And a bit immature...this is MY dog Shock. Sounds like my 3yo claiming his toys.
She's supposed to be your wife.

follyfoot37 · 23/02/2023 06:53

Bieder · 22/02/2023 15:37

But I guess you wouldn’t take umbrage at dh calling them “our dogs”; it probably wouldn’t bother you much?
Most of the other respondents here don’t seem to be able to get past the fact that my wife and I don’t live together, so it’s a bit difficult to take their comments on board - they seem a bit judgemental.

unless you live within the narrow confines and definitions determined my the people on this forum you will be villified
Ignore the negative people; reading the posts here over the years you'll see thatc, they are aching to get away from their 'normal' lives with their cheating DHs, their deadful in-laws, their screaming kids and all those non-parents who don't move to allow 'our family' to sit together when in public

ArmchairAnarchist2 · 23/02/2023 06:54

I live with DH but everyone knows the dog is mine. He is with me 99% of the time but I'm reassured that if something happens to me he'll be loved and well looked after by people he already knows and loves.

follyfoot37 · 23/02/2023 06:56

XelaM · 22/02/2023 15:37

Why don't you live in the same place?

why is that any of your business?

pissssedofff · 23/02/2023 07:07

Banchory · 23/02/2023 06:52

My dh never wanted a dog.
After the cat died I persuaded him to let me have a dog and the inevitable happened, she much prefers him to me.
However she is and always will be my dog.
Obviously dh would say our dog now but he made it clear initially that she would be my responsibility and he wanted nothing to do with her.
I let him say our dog though, but my names on the paperwork and dogs are possessions in law.

Your dog, if it could talk, would disagree with you!

If the hound prefers someone else, i'm sorry but it ain't your dog, she has chosen someone else.

@Bieder Might be wise to remember that dogs can have other human friends, if the dog is happy with your partner and she loves the dog, then be happy, he has a good "friend" in your wife.

America12 · 23/02/2023 07:09

It's a joint dog. You sound so immature.
If you dropped dead tomorrow, who do you think would have the dog ?

rookiemere · 23/02/2023 07:10

Ok so if it's your dog you're lucky your DW is prepared to look after it for free. I've started making DH pay for dog care when he is away as whilst I love rookiedog, 2 hrs of walking every day is a pain.

But I suspect the reason you don't like the use of our dog, is because you don't want any "our" things, much as you don't seem to want to be married particularly.

Courtorder · 23/02/2023 07:11

follyfoot37 · 23/02/2023 06:38

yet everyone screams for 'space' and wanting to be an individual within a marriage /long-term relationship
Just because one is in a partnership doesn't mean they can't own their own stuff. Do you class all your jewelleery as 'ours', or your menstrual care products?

Show quote history

Does my DH use or enjoy either of those? I’ve definitely said things like “our engagement ring…”

Resister · 23/02/2023 07:16

This is a solution looking for a problem. You're hard work op. I imagine you are quick to make lovely things joyless

ittakes2 · 23/02/2023 07:23

I voted ybu because are you seriously fighting over this? I get it if you were getting divorced and she wants the dog but it’s just crazy a married couple would act like this

Cosyblankets · 23/02/2023 07:26

Surely this isn't real

Nogreens · 23/02/2023 07:30

Weird responses. I would bet more than half of the people saying you are wrong have 'my car' , 'my jewelry ', my mug' ' my clothes' ... and so on in their homes.

tiutinkerbell · 23/02/2023 07:30

I paid the adoption fee for our dog, I pay the vet bills, train him and spend the most time with him but he is still 'our' dog. I think you're being a little pedantic here.

BeverForget · 23/02/2023 07:33

Get rid.
Of the wife.
You can always use a kennel service when you go away.

Togoodtobeforgotten · 23/02/2023 07:34

I am wondering if she is questioning why she is married to you.

ifonly4 · 23/02/2023 07:39

I understand why you see him as your dog, but normally a pet is considered to be a family pet (even if your family is just the two of you). She obviously loves him as a family pet, enjoys his company and looks after him when you can't - sounds like she would do more if you were living together. When it comes to it, it doesn't really matter unless you're about to split up.

I would argue our cats are mine as I'm the one who wanted them, do literally everything for them (feeding, pet mess, vets as I'm more than happy to do so). All our money is joint, and I'll admit DH doesn't question if I want to buy anything for them/take to vet. However, I still see them as something positive that are jointly ours. DH would look after them (and has done) when I've been ill, at work and he clearly has a very soft spot for one of them. Obviously different to your home set up, but they're part of the family and home.

monomatapea · 23/02/2023 07:40

Sounds like you're planning a divorce

Redebs · 23/02/2023 07:42

In...

It’s my dog, not our dog
rainbowstardrops · 23/02/2023 07:45

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 22/02/2023 17:09

Is your name Charles?

I was thinking the exact same thing! 🤣

Greatly · 23/02/2023 07:46

I think it probably is technically your dog but I'd just let it go and be happy that your wife likes the dog as it makes your life easier when you need to go away.

Naunet · 23/02/2023 07:49

Thepossibility · 23/02/2023 06:53

I think it was an unnecessarily hurtful thing to say unless she's trying to take him from you while seperating. And a bit immature...this is MY dog Shock. Sounds like my 3yo claiming his toys.
She's supposed to be your wife.

She said “our” dog, how is that hurtful and immature FFS??

thegreylady · 23/02/2023 07:51

I sort of understand but I’d be glad she loves the dog. When dh and I married he had a dog and I had a dog and 3 cats. So we had his dog and my dog and my cats. Then, over time, as the animals aged and were replaced we had our dog, our cats and our children. In a family I think we share the love and the living beings in that family ‘belong’ to both of us. She must have been hurt when you refused to share ownership of the dog. In many ways you are denying her familial responsibility.

howmanybicycles · 23/02/2023 07:52

OP it sounds like a control issue. You might want to have a think about why staying in control feels so important to you. I think your wife saying 'our' made you feel vulnerable. What did she tap into to get such a big response to an innocuous comment?

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