It’s my dog, not our dog

[Bieder]

My wife and I live in separate houses - I live in the countryside and she lives in the city. A couple of years into our marriage I decided to buy a puppy because I always wanted a dog and I have the space and the time now. I brought the dog up, trained him etc. and he’s with me all of the time apart from the odd week when I go on a business trip (2-3 times a year), and then my wife looks after him at her place. My wife loves the dog and indulges him which can sometimes lead to a bit of conflict as I feel she undermines his training. But I’m petty happy to trust her with him and glad they get on so well. So this isn’t the issue.
The issue we had an argument about recently is that she stated he was “our” dog, and I corrected her, insisting he was mine. She got quite upset about that and said because we’re married we share everything, and hence the dog is our dog. I love my dog very much and invested so much time in bringing him up well and looking after him. He has a great, happy life with me in the countryside. I regard him as my dog and I don’t like it that she simply assumes there is this joint responsibility and custodianship. I find it hard to see the issue from her point of view. AIBU?

Exactly this - I am the named owner on our car, I'm the only one insured and I drive it most of the time, but it's our car it's not mine. Or I carried DS, I birthed him and breast fed him, was his primary carer for a year on maternity and bought 95% of his stuff during that year, imagine if I then said he's my child not ours?! Do you see how ridiculous this sounds? My husband obviously contributed in other ways - you seem incredibly dismissive of someone who is apparently your wife...

So if you had a child, would it be 'your child' not a 'shared child'?

I find your attitude a bit bewildering to be honest. Fair enough keeping your own houses (I will do too) but if you MARRIED do you not share any things?

In future, book YOUR dog into kennels when you're away.

I have a dog that I chose to get when my boyfriend and I didn’t live together, I pay for everything and I consider her my dog. But I LOVE when my boyfriend calls her our dog because it shows he loves her and considers her part of the family. I think you being annoyed about it is very weird and maybe shows some underlying issues in the relationship.

Not a marriage I would tolerate being in tbh. You may as well just be mates. Sounds awful. 'No no no, it's Mine mine MINE!!!!! ' Nah mate.

YABU @Bieder VERY!

So you expect her to look after YOUR dog for free when you're away? Sounds very one-sided.

I think your wife loves the dog and finds it upsetting and maybe a bit worrying that you feel strong 'ownership' of your pet.
She probably thinks of the dog as a member of the family.

My DH refers to our dog as his dog. (She thinks she’s his wife, tbh…) He was saying this to shit me, and claimed that he did everything with her anyway…. Boy was that a mistake. I asked where her vet was, when her last shots were, when the next ones were due, how often she has flea, tick, worm, mite & other parasite treatment, where to get it, etc. Best way to get it down her neck. Asked how often she needed her anal glands cleared, nails clipped, blah blah…. Which groomer WILL accept a highly anxious, giant breed that is afraid of dogs. Idiot wasn’t able to answer any of these questions.

Why get married when you are leading such separate lives?

😂🤣🤣

We’re married, not separated. We love each other; we just don’t live in the same house. We also do not have shared bank accounts.

I think her perspective is fairly normal for a married person.

It sounds like you don't really feel like you are a married couple, and still think of yourself as a single person.

We’re married, not separated. We love each other; we just don’t live in the same house. honestly that sounds heavenly. As much as I love my dh and dc, I would love having my own little cottage to escape to - somewhere pretty just for me and my dog, so I can read and drink wine in peace!

Thank goodness that you don't have children together. You would probably want to refer to them as 'our' children when she was the one to put in all the effort growing and birthing the child.

I just don’t like that she assumes ownership when I’m the one who puts all the effort in and I love him to bits and am very dedicated to his training and wellbeing.

I found this comment interesting. "She assumes ownership".. I don't think your wife is assuming ownership... when she calls it our dog, she means its part of your family. She loves it, cares for it and plays with it (lucky you!) and therefore sees it as part of your joint family. Again lucky you.

You sound as if you want public acknowledgment - you don't want anyone to think it is anything but your dog. That seems like such a strange attitude. It is almost resentful of your wife.

Imagine this scenario:
Friend - hey you two, your dog is so cute
Wife Please let me be clear. He's not our dog. He's my husband's dog. Nothing to do with me. Entirely my husband's.

That seems to be the acknowledgment you are asking for.
Does that really sound better to you?

We’re married, not separated. We love each other; we just don’t live in the same house. We also do not have shared bank accounts.

I don't live with my DP, which according to MN mantra makes him 'just' a boyfriend and some people can get really quite irate if you refer to someone you don't live with as your partner. But the way I see it, it's our relationship and we get to determine its parameters. We're both in our fifties and so any reference to boy/ girlfriend just seems incredibly inappropriate. Plus, we're partners. We are a big part of each other's lives and help each other out. We have good reasons not to live together and it works for us. So ignore people who cannot get their heads around this OP - whoever's dog this is, it's your (plural) relationship and up to the two of you what living arrangements you decide on.

Not as weird as it is to not live with your wife.

This ⬆️

Yes, the dog is obviously your dog, but I don’t really see the point in saying that he’s your dog when you must have known it was going to cause an upset.

I see my dog in a similar way to my step children (hear me out!)- my partner loves him and helps look after him, but if we were to split up then he would come with me as he’s my dog. I love my step children and I help look after them when they’re here, buy things for them etc, but they’re not my children.

My dog predates my relationship though, which I suppose makes a difference.

YANBU. He is your dog. He’s also your wife’s dog (as she does look after him and have some responsibility) but he’s more yours. Hope that makes sense.
I agree - just because you’re married doesn’t mean you own everything ‘jointly’ in my opinion but equally the more people that love him the better!

Huh?...he was being hurtful and immature. By saying the dog was only his.

Why is it an issue if you intend to remain married?
If I was your wife I'd probably be more upset/worried about the fact you had to clarify as it would make me think you were questioning our future

One of the many checklist things I have to do leaving the house is to take "Knobs off the hob"
I swear some of our four legged friends are trying to kill us.

I have been married 20+ years and have never lived with OH. Like you we are very happy with our arrangement. We wanted to make a public commitment to each other that our families would take seriously. I don't have to live with his war memorabilia and chip pan. He doesn't have to live with my rules about what goes where. ( ;-)) and he has somewhere to go when my introverted energy needs restoring ( i loved lockdown - the peace!) Rarely people can be VERY rude about this including asking why we bothered to get married or 'are you even married really'. On the other hand many people are openly envious.

We had a couple of cats each at one point. My cats were my cats and I made all the decisions about food, where they could go, vet treatment / end of life etc. His cats were the same for him. Sometimes we made different decisions, though we consulted each other.

If OH had referred to DC ( darling cats) as our cats in a general sense I would not have minded as I know I can trust his boundaries and he knows what's what. But if I thought he really meant they were joint I would feel a bit upset. Again its hard to pin down why, but I think its about who gets the last say when your approaches differ.

I would be glad that she loves your dog and sees him as part of the family, but maybe think about why its upsetting, Do you think its because she may think she knows best? Or are you just worried that the dog won't have you as its primary person? Maybe talk it through and if necessary agree decision making processes , training approaches etc. (like parenting they don't have to be the exactly same, just not antagonistic)

Honestly this is more likely to be a 'you' problem than a 'her' problem but its worth working through and compromising. Good luck.

Wonderful response, and especially nice coming from someone who understands our living arrangement. Thank you for taking the time to write. And yes, it’s clearly a “me problem” so I’m thinking about that and have already apologised to my wife for upsetting her of course.

My sentiments exactly!