It’s my dog, not our dog

[Bieder]

My wife and I live in separate houses - I live in the countryside and she lives in the city. A couple of years into our marriage I decided to buy a puppy because I always wanted a dog and I have the space and the time now. I brought the dog up, trained him etc. and he’s with me all of the time apart from the odd week when I go on a business trip (2-3 times a year), and then my wife looks after him at her place. My wife loves the dog and indulges him which can sometimes lead to a bit of conflict as I feel she undermines his training. But I’m petty happy to trust her with him and glad they get on so well. So this isn’t the issue.
The issue we had an argument about recently is that she stated he was “our” dog, and I corrected her, insisting he was mine. She got quite upset about that and said because we’re married we share everything, and hence the dog is our dog. I love my dog very much and invested so much time in bringing him up well and looking after him. He has a great, happy life with me in the countryside. I regard him as my dog and I don’t like it that she simply assumes there is this joint responsibility and custodianship. I find it hard to see the issue from her point of view. AIBU?

It feels like you are planning a separation and are worried about who gets the dog - maybe wording the post in that way would have got more replies your favour but disputing who the dog belongs to just sounds petty.

As a married couple everything is shared really but obviously you don't live as a typical married couple. I don't think your wife is going to fight for the dog when you split if that is really what you want to know.

You cannot be serious. You sound ridiculous.

Technically: your dog
Morally in the event of a split: your dog
So lovely that she sees your dog as part of her family ❤️🐾 : our dog
In your dogs eyes she's a member of his pack: our dog
She loves him too: our dog
Is anyone denying you've put the 99% of graft in and made him the dog he is, no?: Your dog
Can you trust she would do everything and care for him if something happened to you, yes?: our dog.

I think you need to give your wife a big hug and say you're so glad she accepts and loves your joint dog, and of course you recognise that she is family and using the word is not a denial of the split of the responsibility you both take or time and effort you have put in.
You were silly to ever think the phrase 'our' dog meant she was usurping your role or erasing all your hard work. She would never do that because she knows you did the work and she loves you, but she loves the dog and that doesn't need to change.
The dog is our dog for all the important reasons that count. That doesn't take away anything from what you've done or what that dog means to you.
Pretty sure the dogs heart is big enough for both of you.

Are you autistic? It sounds like you’re fixating on the literal description which is a common characteristic of autism (I’m autistic so recognise this). If this is the case, that would explain your very different approach to this that the neurotypical person can’t understand.

If not, I think your worried about the implications of your wife having ownership and perhaps that’s because you don’t believe there’s a future for this marriage?

i think your wife is hurt because she feels this from you and worries about the implications of you insisting it’s your dog. She picks up on the subtle nuances of your indecision and is feeling anxious and unstable about that.

Reassure your wife or let her know why you’re worried. Either way, she doesn’t deserve this unthoughtful behaviour.

Clearly you have an unconventional marriage and separate homes, dogs are pets and purchased therefore considered property if you have paid for him, have the paperwork, done the training etc and the dog spends the majority of it's time with you....the dog is yours. I'm married and sha

Out of interest is it a working dog or working breed?

Technically the dog belongs to both of youb because you are married and like it or not dogs are ‘property’ in the eyes of the law. I can see that you have invested more time but that is partly because you are living separately. When she has your dog to look after she clearly treats it with affection (eg indulges it) and regards it as her dog too. That is a good thing because she is not just a dog sitter she loves the dog as her own. Regarding your attitude generally, itis somewhat unusual to live separately but be married unless you are separated because you are heading towards a divorce? I can see if that is the case you dont want an argument about custody of the dog but if you are happily married your views seem to be counterproductive to a good relationship/marriage. You are supposed to be a couple who share everything but you talk about being the one who bought the food for the dog etc. Surely is is joint funds that pay for the dog?

If you had a child that lived with her and was mainly in her care, would you feel that child was not yours? Would you be upset if wife corrected you that child was HER child not yours?

I knew DP for forty years - together for 30 years, married for 25 years, three kids, now adults. Never lived together. It worked like a dream. You can also share without assuming ownership - and that's the issue. I would share my last penny with DP if he needed it but it's not his. Same applies to the dog.

Try to turn it around in your head. If someone is looking after something a lot and bonded and loves that animal then it's natural they will refer to it as their dog like a family member. It would be odd (I think) for her to always talk about the dog as "your dog" like she was distant from it. You sound like you are worried they are getting on so well they are cutting you out. Which does sound very irrational. Actually it is brilliant the dog has another being he is bonded with, that can look after his needs when you're away that he feels safe and happy with. It's great to know that if anything happened to you that he'd be looked after unlike so many dogs who end up uncared for or going into rescue.

It's also good and important for dogs to have good socialisation and be well socialised and not be too imprinted on just one person. It is no threat to your relationship with him or her that they get on too. It does sound like a weird jealousy on your part.

The dog is its own creature and you sound a bit controlling with your obsession with training etc. It's not clear what that is all about. Why shouldn't the dog have fun and games? Why shouldn't he get to play with another human you trust? You seem obsessed with the idea of possession, but you can't control relationships through possession and perhaps you need to think about why you have a need to do that? I have had several dogs. They were not only my dogs, they were looked after and loved by various family members. They were mine legally but I wouldn't have expected my extended family to carefully intone this every time they referred to them. My dogs adored my extended family members who cared for them too and it was win win - a rest for me sometimes, extra fun and walks for them and people devoted to them I could trust when away so my dogs never had to go to kennels. On the other side the dogs provided fun and love and laughter to the extended family members who enjoyed their relationship with them too. My dogs have always adored a particular family member who spoils them rotten! A bit like children with grandparents I suppose, they have loads of fun because they aren't with them all the time doing the more daily stuff. But at the end of the day I'm the one taking the responsibility and it doesn't undermine anything.

Perhaps you need to think about why you are being so possessive and whether this is something you could ease up on. Being excessively anxious perhaps is getting in the way of you seeing this clearly. You also seem a bit like you might have wrapped up too much of your self esteem into this idea of the dog only looking to you and not connecting with anyone else. I'd suggest this is not very healthy. Maybe relax a bit more and have more fun and enjoy time with your wife and dog, rather than making it about a competition or feeling jealous.

Y'know the vows you made in front of witnesses? You will have a copy of what you said for legal reasons. Maybe read those.

The dog is symbolism for your lives and marriage.

It's a mystery isn't it? 🤔

Such a prince.

I birthed our child, my money pays the food bills and house insurance, and I spend 95% of my time with them. Does this mean it's only my child?

It seems like a silly thing to argue about tbh. Yours or ours, does it make any difference to the way you are living?

Years before I met my DP, I got a horse. He was my horse. I bought him, looked after him, paid all the bills, did all the work. Then I met my DP and my DP did occasionally help with the horse. He never did anything with him on his own, unsupervised, because he isn't horsey and could have got into trouble. Had my DP ever referred to the horse as 'ours' I'd have been really pleased that he felt included enough in my life that an animal I loved so dearly was seen as partly his too.

I think perhaps the difference is in part because I was uncomfortable with the idea of owning my horse as a chattel, so I was never possessive about that. And I knew the horse was primarily bonded to me so I had no need to feel insecure. I would just have thought it was lovely that my DP felt included enough to view the horse as a part of his life in that way.

I guess you and your wife have very different views of what a marriage is. In a normal marriage, “ours” would be the right word for the dog. But in a marriage like yours, were I suspect all assets, interests and future plans are separated into “mine” and “yours” the dog belongs to you.

Is the dog really a child substitute for you? But then DW would be the mother so it would be her child too presumably. I'm guessing you do not want actual children? Maybe that's partly because they would have to be shared with DW?

Yes, you’re right and I realise that now. We’ve already talked it through and I apologised to her. Thank you for your response.

The dog is well looked after by both, that's the main priority.
It wouldn't personally bother me if you thought the dog was yours, l have four cats, if l were to get a partner and we lived separately, they would always be my cats as far as I'm concerned.
Don't spoil what you have by being trivial, that's my advice.

I put all of the work in with my children, I do everything for them, buy their clothes, their toys, I sit up with them through the night when they are ill, do the school run, go to all the school events, arrange all of their appointments - the list goes on. Dad has them (alone) probably 2% of the time if that. Does that mean he has no rights over them and should not call them his? They are just MY children? No. Absolutely not.

You are happy for her to be doggy day care when you are away. She's good enough then. But she is not allowed to say the dog is yours and hers. If you'd bought the dog before you met her I could perhaps understand - at a push. (Although my eldest is not my partners but he raises him and so is "ours"). You sound arrogant and selfish and I can see why she doesn't want to live with you.

Well if you’re in the UK, all property acquired by either party after the marriage is “marital property” and belongs to both of you so technically she’s correct.

When you denied it was a shared dog, you were denying that stuff bought by you is marital property, and you were basically denying the marriage. Which as you live separately is quite an ‘unusual’ one anyway.

I suspect this argument wasn’t about the dog. My guess is she wants to feel more married to you, more loved with a more integrated life, and that you just want a wife for weekends.

Thank you for the tip - it’s obvious I’m new here 🙂

The dog is your dog for sure. I have a dog, and if I ever got married she will always be my dog. However, it doesn't do any harm for your wife to refer to him (you really need to call him Simon) as our dog. She probably wants to feel involved as she knows he's so special to you.

Odd though that you don't live together. Sensible also, I think if I ever got married again that might be the way to go!!

This is my first time on MN and it’s so interesting to experience how judgemental and narrow-minded many people on here are. Assuming I’m a man, that my wife chose to live apart from me, that our marriage is loveless/doomed, that I regard my dog as a thing, take my wife looking after him sometimes for granted and should even pay her for it… Amazing.

Absolutely your dog.
I agree with you.