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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I am a lift-taker! Am I a CF?

117 replies

whatchaos · 22/02/2023 13:53

There have been so many threads here recently about lifts so I'd love some advice - I do an activity with a group of friends once a week. It's just 5-10 mins max. drive away but I can't walk/drive/cycle there as it involves bringing large and unwieldy equipment that can't be carried. Our car is always in use at that time as my dh needs it to travel 1 hour away to help his elderly mum with something that happens at the same time every week.
My friend has offered to give me a lift there and back to the activity every week, she's driving practically past my front door.
Am I a CF to accept? Should I try to compensate her? How should I compensate her? Bottle of wine? Should I get a taxi instead? (tbh I think she'd think I was crazy to get a taxi)

OP posts:
BreviloquentBastard · 22/02/2023 13:56

She's offered so no, you're not a CF. Maybe ask her if she wants any petrol money? She'll probably say no, I would, but it's a nice thought to ask.

Maybe chuck her a bottle of wine to say thank you if you feel so inclined, but if she's offered I'm sure she wouldn't expect it!

xogossipgirlxo · 22/02/2023 13:56

If she offered to give you a lift every week, I think it's fine. Don't know how she would want to be compensated, but my work colleague was giving me lifts for few weeks and I bought him bottle of nice brandy as a thank you.

Suzi888 · 22/02/2023 13:57

A bottle of wine, choc, flowers - on occasion or a fiver in a card now and then.

How much would it cost you to get there? Do you appreciate a lift or would you walk….

Candleabra · 22/02/2023 13:58

Offer some petrol money. If she says no then great

Solittletimeforwine · 22/02/2023 13:59

Offer for petrol money. If she refuses. Buy her some wine or chocolate to say thanks.

Silvergone · 22/02/2023 14:00

Accepting something that’s offered is very different to being a CF.

That said, you should make sure you don’t eventually become a CF, by regularly acknowledging the debt ie offer petrol money and if she says no, every month or so leave a box of chocolates or wine in the car with a thank you card saying “Surprise! Thank you for all the lifts you’re awesome xxx”

Courtorder · 22/02/2023 14:00

I’d offer petrol money and, if she says no, I’d purchase gifts of the same amount to force it on her (flowers, chocolates, wine, cupcakes, bath salts, whatever the friend would enjoy). Even just picking her up a coffee/tea/hot chocolate…

Original poster
whatchaos · 22/02/2023 14:14

ok thanks all - I did offer petrol money but she said 'are you mad?!' I'll get her a nice bottle of something nice. I'd get a taxi but I think it would come across as passive aggressive or something seeing as she's offered the lift.

OP posts:
Mountainpika · 22/02/2023 14:18

If she really doesn't want anything, no wine, flowers etc. how about making a donation to a charity she supports.

Workawayxx · 22/02/2023 14:21

I'd get an occasional bottle of wine or chocolates. If she offered and you say thank you and have offered petrol money then you're good I reckon.

Ohdearnotagain76 · 22/02/2023 14:23

My daughter drives her colleague to and from work every day, and won't take a penny, it's 5 minutes out of her way. She said she feels safer with him being in the car, especially in the winter as the car park isn't on site. His wife often buys my daughter gifts, chocolates, pot plants, things for her hobby. This means my daughter feels safer and his wife can use the car. The other couple also take my daughter and her partner out for dinner at special occasions.

bonzaitree · 22/02/2023 14:23

Offer to babysit one night she wants to go out?

DaveyJonesLocker · 22/02/2023 14:23

You've offered petrol money. Offer again in a few weeks or say "are you sure you're OK to keep giving me a lift, I understand if it's a pain in the arse for you". Buy her a nice bottle of something. Say thank you every time. Don't throw your rubbish in her car.

AlbertaAnnie · 22/02/2023 14:24

You are not a CF - just remember to say thank you and offer some money toward petrol

StoneofDestiny · 22/02/2023 14:27

I'd get a voucher for petrol. Work out what it would cost to drive there and back for a month/however many journeys you do, and give a voucher for half the value.

cheatingcrackers · 22/02/2023 14:27

We give DD's friend and teammate a lift to and from the girls' sport regularly. I would never, ever expect anything in way of a thank you! To me this is just a completely normal thing to do for a friend.

FlissyPaps · 22/02/2023 14:29

I think giving lifts to people, if you are literally driving past their front door on your way- is perfectly fine and doesn’t need any compensating.

It’s when the driver is going out of their way, hence more distance and time, then the passenger should be offering money for fuel.

You didn’t ask your friend, they offered, so you’re not a CF.

Dahlia444 · 22/02/2023 14:29

Just check in with her periodically that she's sure you're OK to carry on with the same arrangement. And do the odd favour for her.

KStockHERO · 22/02/2023 14:29

I'm a lift-taker too. I don't have a regular arrangement with someone but I'll always cadge a ride if its offered.

You've offered her petrol which is excellent.

At an appropriate moment, giving her a gift would be really nice. Like if your activity stopped for a few weeks, you could give it to her on the last week to say 'thanks for all the lifts'. I think it'd be weird to give her a gift randomly one week if there was no 'reason' to.

Easter's coming up. Could you make her something nice? Some little chocolates? Or an egg? Or buy her something? Then you can give it to her near Easter and say 'Here's a little Easter something to say thank you for all the lifts'.

I'd also occasionally just let her know how grateful you are. Like one week when she drops you home, say something like 'I honestly am so grateful for these lifts. It really is so kind of you. Please don't hesitate to tell me if you want petrol money or if its ever inconvenient'

Firsttimemum120 · 22/02/2023 14:30

Just regularly offer petrol money and every so often buy her a little something or even maybe leave a fiver or a tenner in the car from time to time and just say it’s to say thank you. Don’t do it too often but make sure your always grateful and offering

silverbubbles · 22/02/2023 14:31

It can be hard to accept money if offered so maybe better to just give her cash. You will have to work out how much based on journey etc and then place it on your seat when you leave the car. Don't be too stingy though!!!

MasterBeth · 22/02/2023 14:31

I give a colleague a regular lift to work. Not every day, not even every week, but normally several times a month.

I wouldn't dream of taking petrol money (I have to detour to pick her up but I'm going to work anyway.) I wouldn't feel great accepting a gift. As @cheatingcrackers says, it's a perfectly normal thing to do.

MasterBeth · 22/02/2023 14:32

(And if someone left money in the car, I'd fell awful. Like a sex worker.)

EmmaDilemma5 · 22/02/2023 14:33

You are.

Courtesy is to offer something. Personally, if it's not out of their way I wouldn't offer cash as it's a bit clinical. But I'd be giving her some chocolates or a bottle of something every now and then. She's enabling you to attend and it's costing her.

HamBone · 22/02/2023 14:33

I gave my neighbor’s daughter regular lifts to school last year as I have a more flexible work schedule. She offered me petrol money, which I refused as I was driving there anyway.

Instead, she dropped off some little gifts every couple of months, which we really appreciated. Some gift cards for my teenagers (£10 each): some speciality coffee beans as she knows DH and I love coffee, etc.

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