I am a lift-taker! Am I a CF?

[whatchaos]

There have been so many threads here recently about lifts so I'd love some advice - I do an activity with a group of friends once a week. It's just 5-10 mins max. drive away but I can't walk/drive/cycle there as it involves bringing large and unwieldy equipment that can't be carried. Our car is always in use at that time as my dh needs it to travel 1 hour away to help his elderly mum with something that happens at the same time every week.
My friend has offered to give me a lift there and back to the activity every week, she's driving practically past my front door.
Am I a CF to accept? Should I try to compensate her? How should I compensate her? Bottle of wine? Should I get a taxi instead? (tbh I think she'd think I was crazy to get a taxi)

But how is it costing her? She's driving past the OP's door, so maybe (literally) pennies in petrol money for the extra stop/start. In time? Again, maybe moments while she waits for the OP. But what kind of world is it if we can't take a few extra minutes out of the day in order to make our friends' lives easier without expecting some sort of compensation?!

If she offered, you are not a cf.

To ensure non-cf status, periodically re-offer petrol money, and if refused, buy flowers/wine/chocolate every so often, ie. Once a month, end of term etc. Also, make it clear that if, for any reason she’s unable to give you a lift (holiday, other social engagements, going shopping after activity) that’s fine, and you’ll make other arrangements. Also, if you do gp have your car, then return the favour and offer her a lift.

The difference is you are not inconveniencing her.

I used to hitch a ride with a workmate who was going by anyway and gave a lift to another workmate also. I used to pay him a pound every day. Back then it was almost half the cost of the fuel for that journey so it felt about right - the bus ride would have been £2.30 and would have involved a fair walk for me so he was really helping me out. I never asked to do shopping or any other shite as that was mine to deal with outside of the arrangement and I never ever made him wait for me. It worked phenomenally well.

It's fine as you've offered petrol money but I would let them know that I wouldn't assume and anytime its not convenient is not a problem.

And yes they'd get an occasional little gift so they know it's appreciated.

I have accepted unwanted money before but only because I was taught to refuse a gift 3 times is rude

-She offered you the lift
-You offered her petrol money - because you appreciate the favour.
-You have not grown to assume that this lift is your right - and to complain if she can't take you one day . Nor have you built on this lift by insisting that she also takes you shopping or to visit your relations etc.

No you are not a CF
You could bring her /her family a thank-you present every now and again - to remind her that you appreciate her.

She sounds like a lovely friend. I’m sure you can repay her in other ways. When I couldn’t drive, when one of my friends gave me a lift I would take her out for dinner occasionally as a thank you, as she wouldn’t take money from me.

Unless her car runs off thin air, it's costing her. Why should her friend pay to get there and OP should get it for free?

She offered the lift, you’ve offered petrol money and she’s declined, it’s not even out of her way. Honestly it’s fine. Stop overthinking it, remember to say thank you and leave it there. It sounds perfectly normal and worlds apart from the insane CF lift stories you get on her like the poor poster whose ‘friend’ expected the lift to include an hour long supermarket trip at 10.30pm! Don’t sneak £5 into her car, buy her weird easter presents or anything else cringy. If the occasion comes up buy her a coffee or a drink though.

You're friends going to do an activity together?

We're all different I guess but I'd happily offer a lift to a friend in a similar situation and absolutely wouldn't expect anything in return. If you left money on my seat or bought me periodic thank you gifts it would make me really uncomfortable with the arrangement.

It all tends to balance itself out in relationships doesn't it, so I really wouldn't think too much about it. If you feel things are a little unbalanced then buy her a coffee every now and then or have her round for tea etc.

An offer, you accept it, realising that circumstances could change and it not always being available.

You could donate to her favourite charity if you think flowers or wine or similar is over the top or somehow inappropriate.

Taking the OP isn't costing her anything.

It would cost broadly the same to drive the car whether 1 person or two were in it.

She's offered, you offer petrol money, or pay the parking fee or buy her a coffee on arrival. If none of those apply then a little gift once in a while.

In return you should always be ready at the specified time (even if she is habitually late) and let her know ahead of time if you won't be going.

I’m always giving lifts to various colleagues, especially if it’s not out of my way. I refuse to accept petrol money too because I can almost guarantee there will be times I need a lift in return or something. At most I’ve done a 10 minute detour but I’m really not fussed. I wouldn’t say yes if I minded!

I didn't say taking OP is costing her friend. I said, the journey is costing her friend. Her friend is paying to get from A to B. OP isn't. That's not fair and could result in friend feeling a little taken advantage of.

The courteous thing to do is offer a thank you gift every now and then. OP doesn't have to, and her friend may not mind, but given she's doing OP a favour, it's the nice thing to do.

Pay for parking. Buy her a coffee/cake when out.

Shows your grateful for the lift and appreciate the extra effort she goes to to take you.

You offer petrol money and if refused, transfer it anyway now and again. Plus snacks for the car if they like

Every now and then, wait until she’s dropped you home and tell her you’ve left 20 quid in the glove box for petrol and cheerily wave goodbye and run in the house so she can’t give it you back.

Buy her a bottle of wine once in a while to show your appreciation for the lift.

I would find it really irritating if someone kept offering me petrol money. If she is not going out of her way and she offered, just accept graciously and buy an occasional lunch, coffee or whatever.

You’re definitely not and completely disregard any insinuation that you are because that’s ridiculous! Your friend offered and you even offered to contribute for petrol, it was her who said no. So it’s simply a nice gesture by a kind friend that you have accepted. Don’t feel bad or guilty.

Aside from saving money you’re also being green, car sharing is good for the environment. I’m sure she’d be offended if anything if you took a taxi instead!

None of my family & friends will accept petrol money when they offer to give me a lift, so I make an effort to be the one who picks up the bill if we go out for coffee & cake etc. Tbh they’d think I was OTT if I left money in their car or bought them a gift. But it depends on your friends and the dynamic etc

Don't do what someone did to me when I picked them up on a busy road to begin a 45 minute journey. Don't get in with two ice cream cones & say, "I got one for you too, to say thank you". 🙄She genuinely had no clue that I couldn't eat it & drive at the same time.

cheeky fuckery applies when the lift is taken for granted. Show your friend that you don't take her for granted by doing any of the above/below mentioned things (ie offer petrol money, leave money anyway, pay for parking, offer to babysit once a month/term as "payment" or do school pick ups on a regular day, or some other regular favour you can provide her regularly to reciprocate, etc). I'd also put a reminder in my phone to check in with her every three months along the lines of "does this arrangement still work for you?" so that she doesn't feel trapped

I have this situation as I cannot drive for medical reasons and a neighbour gives me a lift to a club once a week. It started with us getting the bus together but she then decided she'd rather drive. I don't offer petrol money as she would be offended but I do buy her a small gift for her birthday and Christmas and if we are out afterwards always buy her drink for her and have taken her out a couple of times. I think it is important to make it obvious that you're appreciative.

When DC were younger they relied on a friend's mother to get to a club. I used to reciprocate by always offering a to have her DD for a couple of days in the holidays as the school she worked at had different holidays to ours.

If you are always grateful and think about was of showing this that you know will be appreciated (proper thought needed) then you aren't a CF but a friend.

If your car was available that evening you'd maybe take turns to drive on from yours, so offering petrol money or making gifts to reflect your saved costs seems fair.