Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I am a lift-taker! Am I a CF?

117 replies

whatchaos · 22/02/2023 13:53

There have been so many threads here recently about lifts so I'd love some advice - I do an activity with a group of friends once a week. It's just 5-10 mins max. drive away but I can't walk/drive/cycle there as it involves bringing large and unwieldy equipment that can't be carried. Our car is always in use at that time as my dh needs it to travel 1 hour away to help his elderly mum with something that happens at the same time every week.
My friend has offered to give me a lift there and back to the activity every week, she's driving practically past my front door.
Am I a CF to accept? Should I try to compensate her? How should I compensate her? Bottle of wine? Should I get a taxi instead? (tbh I think she'd think I was crazy to get a taxi)

OP posts:
MabelMoo23 · 22/02/2023 15:38

I offered to drive myself and a friend somewhere we were both going as it was a fair distance and she offered petrol money and I said no (she’s a friend and I offered) however when we stopped to get a drive thru coffee she insisted on paying saying it was least she could do.

my coffee was something like £3 - but it was a nice gesture that was appreciated - so sometimes that’s all you need. Just acknowledgment sometimes is all that’s needed

Catcharolo · 22/02/2023 15:38

I give regular lifts and would honestly would find it odd if someone gave me money or wine!! Ffs it’s barely a favour! Just say thank you and accept gratefully!

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 22/02/2023 15:40

Even though she's pooh-poohed the offer of petrol money, get her a voucher and don't take no for an answer.

The offer of babysitting is good, if she has kids.

HamBone · 22/02/2023 15:41

Catcharolo · 22/02/2023 15:38

I give regular lifts and would honestly would find it odd if someone gave me money or wine!! Ffs it’s barely a favour! Just say thank you and accept gratefully!

@Catcharolo We’re all d

quinceh · 22/02/2023 15:42

If I was your friend I’d be more than happy to give you the lift, even if it was a bit out of my way. I’d think you were weird if you said you were getting a taxi 😀 I guess a bottle
of wine to say thanks would be a nice gesture to your friend.

Jenasaurus · 22/02/2023 15:43

I used to get a lift to work every day by a colleague, she encouraged me to change jobs so we could work together again, she said to me, that she would take me, but she moved away from the area, and still insisted on picking me up on route, even though it was out of her way, I sometimes accepted but often got the bus, she wouldn't accept petrol money so I made sure I gave her really lovely presents on her birthdays etc.. I was happy not to have a lift but she insisted which I guess is different, I now work from home so not an issue (I dont drive but live in an area with good transport links)

Tessabelle74 · 22/02/2023 15:50

If she had offered and not going out of her day you're most definitely NOT a CF. Offer her petrol money but I'd guess she'd refuse. Hopefully now and again your car will be available and you can return the favour

rexythedinosaur · 22/02/2023 15:54

I can't believe 19% of voters think you're unreasonable for accepting a lift which was offered to you. How ridiculous.

If your friend offered to take you every week then of course it's fine!

It would be a nice gesture to offer petrol money or maybe a bottle of wine or something, but if they've offered then they've offered. In this scenario, if I wanted any fuel money I would ask for it, I wouldn't expect you to offer (certainly wouldn't take offence if you didn't as it's just as much my responsibility to ask if I want it!)

Leirvassbu · 22/02/2023 15:54

You are not a CF. She offered. You offered to contribute to fuel costs and she refused. She's not going massively out of her way.
I do an activity which runs for 3 months of the year, every two weeks. I drive to my friend's (half an hour away) and she gives me a lift the rest of the way, another half an hour (for environmental reasons really, not using two cars to drive the same distance and also she likes company in the car). As part of the activity there are 2 or 3 sessions a year where we all go for meal, everyone pays their own meal, I pay for hers on those occasions to thank her for driving.
So something like that maybe - if you hang around after the activity buy her a coffee or whatever, or treat her to brunch at some point.

The cheeky fuckers are the ones who:
a) never even bother to offer petrol money
b) don't produce the petrol money when asked to contribute or argue the toss about how much it should be
c) need the lift-giver to go out of their way to pick them up and still not offer extra petrol money
d) not be ready on time when the lift arrives
e) insist on being given a lift to a supermarket after an activity and take ages (see the other thread this week!)
f) get angry when asked to contribute or asked to change the arrangements - such as the lift-taker walking a short distance to a more convenient pick up point, being asked to make their own way there or back on occasion for whatever reason
g) assuming that because a lift has been given a couple of times, that means the lifts will go on for ever eg. if the lift-taker has had an injury and can't get the bus they would normally take for a couple of weeks
h) cadging lifts off someone they barely know
i) never doing anything nice for the lift-giver

I am sure other posters can think of more cheeky fucker behaviours.
You aren't being one.

Original poster
whatchaos · 22/02/2023 16:03

Leirvassbu · 22/02/2023 15:54

You are not a CF. She offered. You offered to contribute to fuel costs and she refused. She's not going massively out of her way.
I do an activity which runs for 3 months of the year, every two weeks. I drive to my friend's (half an hour away) and she gives me a lift the rest of the way, another half an hour (for environmental reasons really, not using two cars to drive the same distance and also she likes company in the car). As part of the activity there are 2 or 3 sessions a year where we all go for meal, everyone pays their own meal, I pay for hers on those occasions to thank her for driving.
So something like that maybe - if you hang around after the activity buy her a coffee or whatever, or treat her to brunch at some point.

The cheeky fuckers are the ones who:
a) never even bother to offer petrol money
b) don't produce the petrol money when asked to contribute or argue the toss about how much it should be
c) need the lift-giver to go out of their way to pick them up and still not offer extra petrol money
d) not be ready on time when the lift arrives
e) insist on being given a lift to a supermarket after an activity and take ages (see the other thread this week!)
f) get angry when asked to contribute or asked to change the arrangements - such as the lift-taker walking a short distance to a more convenient pick up point, being asked to make their own way there or back on occasion for whatever reason
g) assuming that because a lift has been given a couple of times, that means the lifts will go on for ever eg. if the lift-taker has had an injury and can't get the bus they would normally take for a couple of weeks
h) cadging lifts off someone they barely know
i) never doing anything nice for the lift-giver

I am sure other posters can think of more cheeky fucker behaviours.
You aren't being one.

Yes, what you say makes sense thanks, I wouldn't dream of doing any of those things. I should do (i) though (a nice thing for my friend). She's a real giver so I should be sure I'm as generous to her.

I just checked and on Monday (when our activity is on) I texted her 'if you're driving past en route to XXX this evening, could I possibly have a lift again? Happy to pay for petrol' to which she answered 'Petrol money? are you mad?! Of course you can, I told you I'm more than happy for you to jump in'

OP posts:
Twillow · 22/02/2023 16:04

CF= asking when not on a direct route, asking when it puts the driver in an awkward position ie when you work together, not offering recompense in either of above scenarios. In your case, not CF.

DoNotGetADog · 22/02/2023 16:05

I would maybe take her out for lunch every 2 or 3 months.

tattygrl · 22/02/2023 16:10

whatchaos · 22/02/2023 14:14

ok thanks all - I did offer petrol money but she said 'are you mad?!' I'll get her a nice bottle of something nice. I'd get a taxi but I think it would come across as passive aggressive or something seeing as she's offered the lift.

Based on this, you're sound! Great plan to get her a treat at some point as a gesture of gratitude.

Alwayswonderedwhy · 22/02/2023 16:11

Assuming you offer petrol money you're not a CF.

blackpearwhitelilies · 22/02/2023 16:12

I think a nice present every month as a thank you is a lovely idea. Flowers or chocolates or something like that.

I once had a friend who absolutely insisted on petrol money though I said no. She put £20 in the glove compartment and said it would be handy when I needed to fill up and had forgotten cash - that was nice too.

hekissedmybottom · 22/02/2023 16:13

If you're saying thank you and refusing the first time 'no, I'll get the bus' then no issue, you could give her a fiver for petrol money as a gesture since it's not actually costing her anything extra but it would still be nice to pay for the convenience. I mean a fiver like every few weeks like 'here you go, put this towards petrol.'

PleasantZen · 22/02/2023 16:15

Mountainpika · 22/02/2023 14:18

If she really doesn't want anything, no wine, flowers etc. how about making a donation to a charity she supports.

Nobody every wants that unless they specifically ask for it

Appleass · 22/02/2023 16:25

Not a CF i wouldn't mind as long as not out my way. Flowers/chocs/wine/petrol money once a month or so as a thank you.

saleorbouy · 22/02/2023 16:27

She offered so it's not cheeky but no harm showing your appreciation every now and then.
When you're out with your friend why not buy her a coffee, cake, lunch or similar and say "that's for all those lifts you give me, thanks"

Somethingneedstochange78 · 22/02/2023 16:38

That's fine it's not going out of her way and she offered not expected. Your not expecting her to wait while she does a weekly shop.

Mountainpika · 22/02/2023 17:05

PleasantZen · 22/02/2023 16:15

Nobody every wants that unless they specifically ask for it

Show quote history

OP can simply ask her friend if that's what she'd like if she doesn't want flowers etc..

Random102 · 22/02/2023 17:10

I would just buy her a drink/cake next time you are out.

I regularly offer and receive lifts from friends. We live in a rural village so taking 2 cars out doesn’t make sense if going the same place.

DappledThings · 22/02/2023 17:11

If I've offered to give someone a list and it's not put of my way then I'd no be expecting anything and if someone foisted wine/flowers/chocolates/petrol money on me I'd find it really awkward and be a bit pissed off.

DappledThings · 22/02/2023 17:14

I can't believe 19% of voters think you're unreasonable for accepting a lift which was offered to you. How ridiculous.
I've voted YABU for the insistence on needing to offer something. Friend has offered, sometimes the gracious thing is just to say thank you and accept the offer without insisting on making it transactional.

Proudofitbabe · 22/02/2023 17:49

Totally fine to accept as clearly she's happy doing it - but as an ongoing arrangement I would bung some coins in her cup holders periodically and tell her after you've done it so she doesn't feel obliged to refuse it. Change always handy to have in the car!

She's not going out her way but is still using fuel, and it will cost money over time. It's a shared journey, I don't think it should always be her cost and never yours.