Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to think dh should not be telling family about our problems?

116 replies

OnenightinBangkok · 22/02/2023 08:06

Hope I can get some advice from some objective people as I don't know if iabu or not.
My husband and I are going through a very rough patch.
My family are aware of this but they deem it to be the case from sensing it rather than anything I say to them.
Their attitude is that they'll help if I wish to leave but don't want to know the ins and outs of the marriage.
My dgm said that she felt that things were six of one half dozen of the other in terms of mine and dh's faults as people.
We've no dcs.
Anyway, my dh has taken to having long phone calls with his mother about our issues.
I can hear him in the next room talking to her. I have begged him not to do this to no avail.
It's basically him slagging me off and her somewhat enthusiastically joining in.
I'm angry and hurt by this.
This has made me lose trust in him and I can't stand her anymore.
Aibu?
P. S. I do appreciate the fact I'm asking for advice here but I'm anonymous and I guess my issue is far from unusual!
Thanks for any replies.

OP posts:
Pleasecreateausername13 · 22/02/2023 08:11

If I heard my OH on the phone slagging me off to their mum, I’d be out the door within minutes with bags in tow.

There is no respect left in your relationship OP. I never ever advocate for marriage breakups on here, I always try to see if people can work it out but from what you’ve said Id be admitting defeat on this one.

RedHelenB · 22/02/2023 08:11

I think yabu. He shouldn't be doing it in your hearing but everyone needs to moan to someone.

Fundays12 · 22/02/2023 08:13

I think it's unacceptable and unfair on you. He should never be sharing your difficulties with family members. It's your marriage and personal so needs kept that way. I would hit the roof it DH did that especially knowing that MIL would discuss it with the rest of the family as it's "family business" to her.

ScentOfAMemory · 22/02/2023 08:13

You've told your family clearly. He's told his. The only difference is you hear him telling his.
It sounds toxic tbf.

Putitsimply · 22/02/2023 08:14

I think YABU. He shouldn’t be doing it within your hearing, though. Everyone needs someone to talk to, especially if your marriage is in difficulties.

Hankunamatata · 22/02/2023 08:14

I'd say to him he is portntailly ruining any future of you two having a relationship. Families hold grudges. Is there no one else he can talk to

FloydPepper · 22/02/2023 08:15

RedHelenB · 22/02/2023 08:11

I think yabu. He shouldn't be doing it in your hearing but everyone needs to moan to someone.

I think if you posted on here that you confided in your mum and he objected you’d be told to leave him.

OracleMiracle · 22/02/2023 08:15

I think I would suggest to your DH that you try couples therapy together: it often starts with private one-to-ones with the therapist before getting to the point when you join together for the sessions. That way, you can explain to him that you find it hurtful and uncomfortable that he is discussing this within earshot with his mum, and that it will be embarrassing for all three of you when this is resolved and you come out the other side hopefully stronger and happier.

daisychain01 · 22/02/2023 08:16

No everyone does not need to moan to someone. How disloyal is that.

more like, if the DH wasn't so spineless, he would be making efforts to talk through the concerns he has with the only person who counts which is his wife - @OnenightinBangkok not whinging to mummy and telling tales. He's obviously got a tongue in his head so he isn't incapable of talking to his wife is he.

asplashofmilk · 22/02/2023 08:16

I think YABU because we all need someone to offload to. If you don't want it to be his family you need to suggest who you think he could speak to, because bottling it up is never a good idea.

Applesandcarrots · 22/02/2023 08:18

Him slagging you off is the problem, not him talking to his mum about issues he has and wants to share. He absolutely can, is entitled to and should be able to.
Slagging? Yanbu.
Him talking about it? Yabu

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 22/02/2023 08:19

Everyone does need someone to talk to. But it should be a. Balanced, b. Not within ear shot if he is discussing you c. Not constant and d. Not with someone that if things work out, he then expects you to have a good relationship with, as frankly they will dislike you after his one sided rants

justasking111 · 22/02/2023 08:20

I'd tell him now that you can hear these conversations, it's hurtful and you aren't dumping your problems on your family because your parents can't unhear what has been said. So neither could his. If you get through this things will be very awkward going forward for all of you

Izearle · 22/02/2023 08:20

YANBU.

It is pretty much an unwritten rule that you don’t discuss marital issues with family!

Personally I have only ever confided in one close friend who is not friends with DH, just me, when we’ve argued. What your DH has done is make sure your relationship with his family is damaged.

honestly, it sounds like you need to get out.

Greedymiss · 22/02/2023 08:21

I don't think it's awful that he's talking to his mum, everyone needs someone to talk to. But he shouldn't be doing it in earshot, and his mum certainly shouldn't be slagging you off.

Unless there is abuse involved family ought to stay neutral and just be a listening ear not getting involved and stocking the knife in.

Brefugee · 22/02/2023 08:22

is he slagging you off though? or is he telling it how he sees it? Some people need to offload, some don't. Some are more involved with their family members' private lives, others not.

The thing you have to be clear to yourself about is this: is what he's doing a dealbreaker to you? do you want to save the marriage? is this the One Big Thing that will stop that, or can you see past it and suggest couples therapy instead?
If he is used to being so open with his mum, this is probably one thing that isn't going to change. Can you live with it?

The time to make the really big decisions is after carefully weighing the pros and cons of those decisions.

Holly60 · 22/02/2023 08:22

daisychain01 · 22/02/2023 08:16

No everyone does not need to moan to someone. How disloyal is that.

more like, if the DH wasn't so spineless, he would be making efforts to talk through the concerns he has with the only person who counts which is his wife - @OnenightinBangkok not whinging to mummy and telling tales. He's obviously got a tongue in his head so he isn't incapable of talking to his wife is he.

I mean, the counselling/life coaching/ therapy industries would probably disagree with the idea that people don't need to talk about their problems.

I talk to my mum all the time about my problems, and I've adult children myself. Both my children phone me up regularly for a rant.

I wouldn't talk about someone in their ear shot though.

He is silly for doing that. After all it is that alone that is causing the problem.

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/02/2023 08:22

Slagging you off where you can hear him is nasty. But both sides think you should split, you sound miserable, you say people can see how sad you are, and you don’t have children, why are you still flogging a dead horse?

Applesandcarrots · 22/02/2023 08:23

daisychain01 · 22/02/2023 08:16

No everyone does not need to moan to someone. How disloyal is that.

more like, if the DH wasn't so spineless, he would be making efforts to talk through the concerns he has with the only person who counts which is his wife - @OnenightinBangkok not whinging to mummy and telling tales. He's obviously got a tongue in his head so he isn't incapable of talking to his wife is he.

Can't wait for another thread where woman says she talked to her mum about issues in relationship so we can all go in with "mummy's girl whinging"....🙄
Je shouldn't be slagging, but talking with his parent about issues is absolutely fine

Holly60 · 22/02/2023 08:24

ScentOfAMemory · 22/02/2023 08:13

You've told your family clearly. He's told his. The only difference is you hear him telling his.
It sounds toxic tbf.

Also - you clearly talk to your family. You know that they've sensed something, you know they don't want to interfere.

He does need to pull back on the slagging off if that is what is happening. His mum is silly too - I've adult children and they rant at me and I offer neutral solutions, always keeping in mind there are two sides to any story.

I learnt this off my own mum who has probably single-handedly saved my marriage at times 😂

SomeMonths · 22/02/2023 08:24

You’re not getting on. He’s telling mummy everything despite that upsetting you. He’s ok with her slagging you off.

Just leave. It’s done.

drpet49 · 22/02/2023 08:24

RedHelenB · 22/02/2023 08:11

I think yabu. He shouldn't be doing it in your hearing but everyone needs to moan to someone.

This. You can’t police who he discusses his problems with. You sound controlling.

Lastqueenofscotland2 · 22/02/2023 08:24

YABU
If someone came on here saying their husband was furious they had had a bit of a whinge to their mum about their marriage in a rough patch they’d be calling him controlling. Everyone needs a vent

Danneigh · 22/02/2023 08:25

Hes really slagging you off while you can hear him? What type of things are you hearing him say?

Original poster
OnenightinBangkok · 22/02/2023 08:26

I agree that people may need someone to talk to.
But this should be a neutral third party.
A counsellor or someone like that.

OP posts: