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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to think dh should not be telling family about our problems?

116 replies

OnenightinBangkok · 22/02/2023 08:06

Hope I can get some advice from some objective people as I don't know if iabu or not.
My husband and I are going through a very rough patch.
My family are aware of this but they deem it to be the case from sensing it rather than anything I say to them.
Their attitude is that they'll help if I wish to leave but don't want to know the ins and outs of the marriage.
My dgm said that she felt that things were six of one half dozen of the other in terms of mine and dh's faults as people.
We've no dcs.
Anyway, my dh has taken to having long phone calls with his mother about our issues.
I can hear him in the next room talking to her. I have begged him not to do this to no avail.
It's basically him slagging me off and her somewhat enthusiastically joining in.
I'm angry and hurt by this.
This has made me lose trust in him and I can't stand her anymore.
Aibu?
P. S. I do appreciate the fact I'm asking for advice here but I'm anonymous and I guess my issue is far from unusual!
Thanks for any replies.

OP posts:
flutterbyebaby · 22/02/2023 10:35

I bet those that are supporting this man on here would be fine if their other half was slagging them off to a family member within earshot. It's one thing having someone to lean on to talk to about troubles, but entirely different when it's weaponised and used to hurt the person they are discussing. Fgs wake up!

Applesandcarrots · 22/02/2023 11:10

OnenightinBangkok · 22/02/2023 09:32

Apologies for drip feeding but the opening post would be really long if I said all this in it.

I understand that some people confide in their families about their marriage problems. I don't think this is wise but it may be coming from a good place.

This is not the case here: this is a man getting drunk and making damned sure I can hear him badmouth me to his mother.

See the difference?

That's bit different then. Quite a bit!

No, that is not ok behaviour

daisychain01 · 22/02/2023 11:52

TootHole · 22/02/2023 08:59

Wind up thread.

No it isn't, what @OnenightinBangkok describes is an absolute killer for a marriage. Completely violates trust and inappropriate.

It would be a frozen day in hell before either my DH or I woukd betray the details of our marriage and any perceived shortcomings to anyone in the family. No way, it certainly wouldn't resolve anything, all it would do would be to create battle-lines with one side against the other. Of course the MIL will side with her son, blood is thicker than water, and the telling tales is only from one side of the story.

daisychain01 · 22/02/2023 11:55

Sounds like your marriage is shot to pieces after your latest update @OnenightinBangkok not least of all the drunken conversations deliberately done so you could hear them and cause you maximum hurt.

I'd work on an exit strategy if I were you, that isn't good for your self esteem.

Original poster
OnenightinBangkok · 22/02/2023 11:56

I am also surprised at his mother for indulging this. She is a highly educated and intelligent woman and must see his flaws.
It's clear from the fact that she knows he's drunk and yet still entertains his rants that she dislikes me.
I'm in danger really as he's clearly a narcissist.
He ticks the boxes in all areas-always right, quick-tempered, talks over everyone - and she's manipulative herself although she's nice as pie when you meet her.
I'm disappointed in her. I thought she had more sense.
But having said that, he's my issue not her. I must leave him.
We're both off work today and I find being in the same room as him unbearable.
I'm thinking of asking a family member to call me with an excuse to get away from him for a week.
I need time to think without him knowing why.
Like I said, they won't ask the details but they'll help me out.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 22/02/2023 12:01

It’s not a drip feed, it’s a torrent. You’re painting him now as an abusive alcoholic so why are you getting so het up about him talking to him mum and not just divorcing him? Easily done, you could file the paperwork this afternoon.

You despise him, everyone’s telling you to split up. Just get on with it.

daisychain01 · 22/02/2023 12:09

@OnenightinBangkok Bear in mind you'll get a wide spectrum of views on here, from people who don't discuss anything about their relationship outside the relationship, to the "tell-all" ones who think nothing of sharing every last detail, and all shades in between. That's why some people think it's really strange not to talk to a parent, to them it's their first port of call. To me, and probably you, it's over sharing.

One thing's clear, you and your DH are not a good match. You need to be with someone who has similar values to your own, and this includes privacy.

daisychain01 · 22/02/2023 12:11

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/02/2023 12:01

It’s not a drip feed, it’s a torrent. You’re painting him now as an abusive alcoholic so why are you getting so het up about him talking to him mum and not just divorcing him? Easily done, you could file the paperwork this afternoon.

You despise him, everyone’s telling you to split up. Just get on with it.

Maybe try being a bit kinder to someone who's hurting and whose marriage is falling apart "Getting het up" is really minimising and dismissive.

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/02/2023 12:15

daisychain01 · 22/02/2023 12:11

Maybe try being a bit kinder to someone who's hurting and whose marriage is falling apart "Getting het up" is really minimising and dismissive.

Show quote history

Her marriage is completely over. She’s focussing on the wrong thing and with the updates she’s the one minimising the main issues. It’s not a small additional factor that he’s a raging alcoholic. It’s not the phone calls to his mother that have caused the marriage to fall about, no more than it’s the fault of OP looking so miserable her family are also urging her to ditch him.

She can leave. She should leave. She should put her time and energy into making that happen rather than calling his mum a bitch. She might well be a bitch but it’s irrelevant.

Relaxingtime · 22/02/2023 12:18

I guess his mother's a trusted person who knows him best.
We all deserve support, if your having a tough time who do you vent or offload too?
Will his mother not naturally defend him not you, sorry but of course.
I think your beig unreasonable, then again I prefer open and honest with issues all round.

ShakespearesBlister · 22/02/2023 12:20

OnenightinBangkok · 22/02/2023 08:26

I agree that people may need someone to talk to.
But this should be a neutral third party.
A counsellor or someone like that.

But its ok for your family to know about it?

daisychain01 · 22/02/2023 12:22

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/02/2023 12:15

Her marriage is completely over. She’s focussing on the wrong thing and with the updates she’s the one minimising the main issues. It’s not a small additional factor that he’s a raging alcoholic. It’s not the phone calls to his mother that have caused the marriage to fall about, no more than it’s the fault of OP looking so miserable her family are also urging her to ditch him.

She can leave. She should leave. She should put her time and energy into making that happen rather than calling his mum a bitch. She might well be a bitch but it’s irrelevant.

Show quote history

The drunken phone call was the straw that broke the camel's back, but it sounds like it has a 'recency effect' i.e. it's the most current hurtful thing the DH has done and it stings. There's no point us dictating which things are more important than which, the thread is just trying to validate whether the blabbermouth DH is in the wrong, and quite frankly I believe he absolutely is.

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 22/02/2023 12:26

Does your DH know you are spying on him? I would consider that an invasion of my privacy to be listened in on while talking with my mum about any marriage issues

FFS @Onnabugeisha - The H is talking loudly, about his wife, in the next room.
That's him being downright rude, not OP spying.
Or do you think she should leave the house when her H chooses to slag her off to his all-agog mother?

How is it an invasion of privacy, when OP was already in the next room? If DH wanted privacy, he'd go elsewhere to make his nasty phone calls. The fact that he chooses to make them in earshot of his wife shows how little respect he has for her - he's probably enjoying the fact that she can hear him being horrible about her, & his mother colluding.

Onnabugeisha · 22/02/2023 12:40

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 22/02/2023 12:26

Does your DH know you are spying on him? I would consider that an invasion of my privacy to be listened in on while talking with my mum about any marriage issues

FFS @Onnabugeisha - The H is talking loudly, about his wife, in the next room.
That's him being downright rude, not OP spying.
Or do you think she should leave the house when her H chooses to slag her off to his all-agog mother?

How is it an invasion of privacy, when OP was already in the next room? If DH wanted privacy, he'd go elsewhere to make his nasty phone calls. The fact that he chooses to make them in earshot of his wife shows how little respect he has for her - he's probably enjoying the fact that she can hear him being horrible about her, & his mother colluding.

It’s so much fun to criticise posts that were made before a massive drip feed, isn’t it?

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 22/02/2023 12:56

YANBU.
Can't believe the replies on here.
There's a massive difference between having a constructive chat with a family member for example: " B is saying bla but I think bla - what do you think mum?' or "We just cannot agree on how to sort (whatever) how did you and Dad manage it?" Compared to 'slagging' someone off. You shouldn't 'slag' anyone off least of all your spouse.
I would consider it a huge betrayal but my spouse just wouldn't do that +.I wouldn't dream of doing it either.
I might say to a friend/ family member "B never closes the loo seat and it's driving me nuts" but once you actually start slagging off your partner's character or who they are as a person - that's extremely hurtful and, if overheard, not possible to unhear. You can't ever take those words back.

Nanny0gg · 22/02/2023 12:56

OnenightinBangkok · 22/02/2023 08:26

I agree that people may need someone to talk to.
But this should be a neutral third party.
A counsellor or someone like that.

Not everyone can afford that.

I don't know anyone who doesn't confide in someone, be it a friend or family. And they can be objective - I try to be.

Just not in earshot!

Nanny0gg · 22/02/2023 12:58

OnenightinBangkok · 22/02/2023 09:07

No. You don't get it. He is not respectfully asking for advice. He is actively and purposefully badmouthing me to his mother. Loudly so I cannot help but hear.
Sometimes actively coming into the bedroom where I've gone so to make sure I can hear. Believe me I don't want to listen.
He does this when he's been drinking heavily.
in spite of me begging him not to do this.

Because he doesn't remember a damned thing what he said to her but she does.

If asking my husband not to do this is controlling then so be it. I don't care. I think accusations of me asking him not to do this are absolutely ridiculous.

Show quote history

Why are you still there?

What is the point?

Original poster
OnenightinBangkok · 22/02/2023 13:16

It's heartening to know 75% agree with me.
Thanks for the input.
It really took a lot of self-control to just sit there and say nothing on my part.
Unable to tell my side of the story because I don't think it right to point out all his many flaws.
I think I've used up a lot of my discipline not to do so and need to retreat.
In all honesty, though, I think that it's a hair trigger situation for me now.
He doesn't even recall the details of the call or what was said.

It staggering to me that she didn't just calmly say that she didn't want to hear it but there you go.

He's just a spoilt indulged brat really.
Just the thought of him near me repulses me now.
I'm in the spare room. Honestly lying next to him is something I can no longer bear.

OP posts:
Original poster
OnenightinBangkok · 22/02/2023 13:19

All over but the practicalities of me leaving as far as I'm concerned.

I hope him and his mother are very happy together.

OP posts:
StrawBeretMoose · 23/02/2023 18:24

OP if you couldn't bear to lie next to him you are doing yourself a favour, there may be difficulties with the split but sounds like you will be happier, best of luck.

WalkingOnTheCracks · 23/02/2023 19:19

OnenightinBangkok · 22/02/2023 13:19

All over but the practicalities of me leaving as far as I'm concerned.

I hope him and his mother are very happy together.

…and it’s that kind of pass-agg throwaway that might make us think he has a point.

Original poster
OnenightinBangkok · 25/02/2023 07:14

WalkingOnTheCracks · 23/02/2023 19:19

…and it’s that kind of pass-agg throwaway that might make us think he has a point.

Show quote history

Interesting use of the word 'us'.

Are you guilty of indulging a family member's disloyal rants about their partner and now regretting it now the majority have pointed out that it's not on?

I do hope they're very happy together because he's not going to get another woman if he keeps shooting his mouth off to his mummy every time something goes wrong.

He doesn't remember a thing about what he said to her.

OP posts:
Equalitea · 31/03/2023 05:04

You shouldn’t have to hear him slagging you off to his mother.
Sounds like the respect has gone.

Perhaps try couples counselling?

LBFseBrom · 31/03/2023 05:08

RedHelenB · 22/02/2023 08:11

I think yabu. He shouldn't be doing it in your hearing but everyone needs to moan to someone.

If you need to vent and I agree everyone does at times, you do not do it to people closely involved with you. You find something totally neutral.

FangsForTheMemory · 31/03/2023 05:29

Equalitea · 31/03/2023 05:04

You shouldn’t have to hear him slagging you off to his mother.
Sounds like the respect has gone.

Perhaps try couples counselling?

And YOU shouldn’t be digging up zombie threads.