Aibu to think dh should not be telling family about our problems?

[OnenightinBangkok]

Hope I can get some advice from some objective people as I don't know if iabu or not.
My husband and I are going through a very rough patch.
My family are aware of this but they deem it to be the case from sensing it rather than anything I say to them.
Their attitude is that they'll help if I wish to leave but don't want to know the ins and outs of the marriage.
My dgm said that she felt that things were six of one half dozen of the other in terms of mine and dh's faults as people.
We've no dcs.
Anyway, my dh has taken to having long phone calls with his mother about our issues.
I can hear him in the next room talking to her. I have begged him not to do this to no avail.
It's basically him slagging me off and her somewhat enthusiastically joining in.
I'm angry and hurt by this.
This has made me lose trust in him and I can't stand her anymore.
Aibu?
P. S. I do appreciate the fact I'm asking for advice here but I'm anonymous and I guess my issue is far from unusual!
Thanks for any replies.

Hardly a Zombie thread at just over a month old.

The whole first half of your first post is about your family knowing to the point that they were assigning blame and responsibility. You have clearly told them a lot down to who did and said what.

But he is supposed to not talk to his family. Is one of the things he was whining about is how hypocritical and controlling you are?

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to talk about your marital problems with someone you know and trust, even if they also know the other party.

Ranting about your DP, especially within their hearing, is a problem. Ranting to someone who basically just joins in, shows a huge lack of judgement and choosing someone like that to rant to is an indicator that there is little hope for the relationship (in part because they are clearly not getting/looking for advice or support to help them make the marriage better).

So your broad statement is U, IMO. But in your particular situation, YANBU.

You can't police conversation between a mother and son, whatever they discuss is none of your business. Of course he has every right to ask his mum's advice on anything he bloody likes, you don't get a say. Are you usually this controlling? May explain the difficulties 🤷

How did you read all of the OP's posts then come to this conclusion? Or did you see an opportunity to be an arsehole this lovely morning? Sort your life out if this is how you get your kicks.

I would tell him he is being foolish because even if you sort things out between you, your relationship with your mil will always be strained. Your family are being wise.

I think it’d be best to concentrate on ending it, rather than getting everyone on the internet to agree with you.

Amazed this has been resurrected. Anyway, we are trying to sort our issues out.
But, yep, the relationship between his family and me is now strained.
It was my birthday recently.
Mil usually gives me a £50 M&S voucher, or £50 cash, has done for years, now I am NOT being entitled or grabbing-I don't expect anything!! nor do I need it and been brought up to appreciate a gift no matter how small- however, this year I got tea towels from Tesco. They're nice enough and I shall use them but that's not the point.

Her finances are still in good shape. In fact, she's still quite well off.
Passive aggressive or what? Lol.

Like I said, I don't expect anything and if this was what she always got me (never spending more than a £5 or so) fair enough. I just say this to point out that clearly her attitude towards me has changed.

Rest of his family are being awkward, too.

Dh had the nerve to complain that there'll be no nice nibbles from M&S this year as I usually spent it on nice bits and pieces from there.
Yeah cause you shot your mouth off and made your family hate me. Idiot. Lol.

I don't know how anyone can think slagging spouse off to family is a good idea. I really don't. It's not about frigging control or any of that nonsense. It's just stupid as they'll still hate your spouse even if you do make it up.

I don't understand why on earth you're still with him?!

Deep down, are you sure he is worth this? Or are you scared of starting over? This might really be as good as it gets. Is this marriage going to be what you want in 5 years? Just be kind to yourself and have a proper think. The longer you leave it the harder it gets X

I don't know how anyone can think slagging spouse off to family is a good idea. I really don't.

I'm sorry this continues for you.

To be fair, though, I don't see why you are still with him. One of my first boyfriends was like this, told his mother absolutely everything including things that I felt very strongly should remain private between us.

Thing like what kind of sex we might like to try. Eugh. Reader, I just ditched him right away.

You have no DC, this isn't going to get better, you only have one life. Good luck.

My husband and I are going through a very rough patch

focus your energy on working together to resolve that or call it quits

Well it depends. DCs and their spouses are free to vent to me. I keep my ears open my mouth shut. Everyone is entitled to a moan.

I had this with my husband. I can’t remember the exact conversation, but he told me he had spoken to his mum about a particular issue in our relationship.

I countered and said he shouldn’t do that, but he replied that if he couldn’t tell his mum then who could he talk to.

I didn’t have a reply to that. But I knew he saw the problem through his eyes only, and that his mum was was unlikely to be critical of his views.

I felt it changed my relationship with my MIL fundamentally and it has never recovered.

He is my ex now.

Screw you, if you think this is ok I can't help you. If you can't speak frankly with your mum without some wierdo trying to police that who can you speak with 🙄🤷

I don't think we should discuss marital issues with our parents, there must be some confidentially within marriage. Different if there is abuse or something similar where help is needed but general ups and downs, finances, etc, no. If we are really unhappy about something and need advice there are neutral people who can help or just listen.