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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to think dh should not be telling family about our problems?

116 replies

OnenightinBangkok · 22/02/2023 08:06

Hope I can get some advice from some objective people as I don't know if iabu or not.
My husband and I are going through a very rough patch.
My family are aware of this but they deem it to be the case from sensing it rather than anything I say to them.
Their attitude is that they'll help if I wish to leave but don't want to know the ins and outs of the marriage.
My dgm said that she felt that things were six of one half dozen of the other in terms of mine and dh's faults as people.
We've no dcs.
Anyway, my dh has taken to having long phone calls with his mother about our issues.
I can hear him in the next room talking to her. I have begged him not to do this to no avail.
It's basically him slagging me off and her somewhat enthusiastically joining in.
I'm angry and hurt by this.
This has made me lose trust in him and I can't stand her anymore.
Aibu?
P. S. I do appreciate the fact I'm asking for advice here but I'm anonymous and I guess my issue is far from unusual!
Thanks for any replies.

OP posts:
maddy68 · 22/02/2023 08:28

He is talking to his family who he trusts about his issues. And how to deal with them. You can't condemn him for that.

Tbh it looks like you are both beyond help and need to face you to that reality

Stressybetty · 22/02/2023 08:28

Yeah my exDH did this. He'd get home from work a couple of hours earlier than me each day and go to his mum's for a cuppa as he didn't like being in the house alone. Our DD would meet him there after school. PIL lived on same street as us. From things said by her it was obvious he was whining about us in detail. She'd then tell me off for being hard on him which completely undermined our relationship. Just a massive mummy's boy

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 22/02/2023 08:30

Just leave, you don't have kids you're not tied to him. Get a divorce and move on with your life:

Shemovesshemoves21 · 22/02/2023 08:35

OnenightinBangkok · 22/02/2023 08:26

I agree that people may need someone to talk to.
But this should be a neutral third party.
A counsellor or someone like that.

In your opinion. Generally speaking, people go to their parents for advice or a bit of a rant because, well, they're your parents! He shouldn't be doing it within earshot, though - that's just plain disrespectful.

I would speak to my parents if I was deeply unhappy, regardless of whether or not my partner liked it. I trust them, and they have my best interests at heart and want me to be happy. He likely feels the same way.

Shemovesshemoves21 · 22/02/2023 08:36

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 22/02/2023 08:30

Just leave, you don't have kids you're not tied to him. Get a divorce and move on with your life:

Also this!

MrsSkylerWhite · 22/02/2023 08:37

Yabu. If I want to confuse in my mum, I will.

ETref · 22/02/2023 08:39

He has the right to talk to, and seek advice from, anyone he chooses. I do think he should do it out of your earshot though and if all he's doing is slagging you off then it's not going to be very constructive. Ultimately if he bad mouths you to the point of his dm hating you and then you end up staying together for the next 30 years then he's making things pretty awkward for himself.

If dh and I are having problems then I fully expect him to talk it through with someone if he wants to. He's not particularly close to his family but I know he talks to his friends about stuff like that. And the person I go to in order to vent and get advice is my sister.

Putitsimply · 22/02/2023 08:42

If a woman said that her DH didn’t want her to talk to her mum, her source of support, because she was disrespecting him, she’d be called controlling.

lazycats · 22/02/2023 08:43

He's allowed to talk to his parents about having a hard time. Without knowing the specifics of what he's saying about you it's hard to advise beyond that. But you can't just say 'get a counsellor or shut up'.

drpet49 · 22/02/2023 08:45

OnenightinBangkok · 22/02/2023 08:26

I agree that people may need someone to talk to.
But this should be a neutral third party.
A counsellor or someone like that.

Erm no. It can be anybody. You really are not coming across well OP.

Original poster
OnenightinBangkok · 22/02/2023 08:46

Do you think I should leave because of our issues because before he took to doing this I thought they could possibly be worked out OR because he's taken to doing this?
I admit hearing him badmouthing me to his mother has made me view him as less of a man and have gone off him sexually because of it.
'She did this' 'She said that'. Ugh!!
Like a child telling tales.
This is not a man being neutral and asking for advice in a calm manner.
Even if it was, seek advice from a neutral third party is my view.
As for her, I just view her as an interfering bitch now.

Worse still he tends to do this when he's been drinking. He never really remembers exactly what he said the next day.

OP posts:
BentleyRhythmAce · 22/02/2023 08:49

A man coming on here and saying he didn't want his wife discussing her personal issues with her mother would be torn apart. Everyone should be able to share their problems with someone close to them if they want to. YABU.

WalkingOnTheCracks · 22/02/2023 08:49

Who should he talk to about things?

His siblings?

Your mutual friends?

His own friends?

Work colleagues?

The vicar?

The bloke on the deli counter at Morrison’s?

Seriously, who?

I had a partner like you. The directive, really, was ‘you musn’t talk about our relationship to anyone…’

Ginger1982 · 22/02/2023 08:50

He can tell his mum what he likes, just as you could with your mum if you had the same kind of relationship. It's not great that he does it in your hearing but she's hardly being an interfering bitch by supporting her son.

Shemovesshemoves21 · 22/02/2023 08:50

OnenightinBangkok · 22/02/2023 08:46

Do you think I should leave because of our issues because before he took to doing this I thought they could possibly be worked out OR because he's taken to doing this?
I admit hearing him badmouthing me to his mother has made me view him as less of a man and have gone off him sexually because of it.
'She did this' 'She said that'. Ugh!!
Like a child telling tales.
This is not a man being neutral and asking for advice in a calm manner.
Even if it was, seek advice from a neutral third party is my view.
As for her, I just view her as an interfering bitch now.

Worse still he tends to do this when he's been drinking. He never really remembers exactly what he said the next day.

You should leave because neither of you is clearly happy. Him calling his mum for a vent and your feelings around that is a red herring and not the point. You aren't happy, so leave.

Newstartonwards · 22/02/2023 08:51

Pleasecreateausername13 · 22/02/2023 08:11

If I heard my OH on the phone slagging me off to their mum, I’d be out the door within minutes with bags in tow.

There is no respect left in your relationship OP. I never ever advocate for marriage breakups on here, I always try to see if people can work it out but from what you’ve said Id be admitting defeat on this one.

This - I haven’t read any further. He is not talking to you about the issues and resolving them he is getting his mum on side for when you split and getting her on side.

leave

bikiniisland · 22/02/2023 08:52

I don't think there is anything wrong with talking to family members about your relationship.

That said, he is supposed to be your husband. The one who loves you the most, the one who is on your side. If he is slagging you off it sounds like he isn't that.

Firsttimemum120 · 22/02/2023 08:52

We all need support from somewhere. I talk to my family about my own issues but not where my partner can hear. Everyone needs someone to talk to and sometimes it’s good when it’s not your partner as someone else can give other opinions perspectives and help.

calmandcaffeinated · 22/02/2023 08:53

@OnenightinBangkok I would be upset if my husband was slagging me off to MIL. I think it's different if he's asking for genuine advice or a different perspective. I personally don't think it's appropriate to run to mummy or daddy about issues in a marriage. I would say speaking to mates (who aren't mutual mates) is probably ok, but a third party who is not known to either is best.

I highly recommend marriage counselling where you can each speak to them individually as well as together. Hopefully it will be a way to communication to build up. Me and DH did this when we went through a rough patch in 2016 and it really really helped.

Onnabugeisha · 22/02/2023 08:54

I’m sorry, but everyone needs someone they trust to confide in and vent frustration to. That person is his mum. And quite frankly, you don’t have to be hovering in the next room listening in on what he says and his mum’s responses. Does your DH know you are spying on him? I would consider that an invasion of my privacy to be listened in on while talking with my mum about any marriage issues. Does your DH hover in the next room while you talk to your family?? I hope not because that would be doubly toxic. It’s also weirdly controlling to get angry and demand he not speak to anyone outside the marriage unless a professional counsellor.

Look, when things are rough and both members of a couple are trying to patch things up both are going to need emotional support from someone who knows them well. It’s unreasonable for you to expect yourself or him to succeed without any support. And letting off steam, expressing frustrations to a third party is a healthy thing to do- the alternative is to bottle it all up and then have explosive rows.

35965a · 22/02/2023 08:56

It’s awful to slag your partner off to family. As a PP said, families hold grudges. Venting to your own friends isn’t so bad but I’ve never ever criticised my husband to my family. Therapy to sort issues is great. Just talking shit about your spouse to your mum is pathetic.

OngoingCrisis · 22/02/2023 08:57

My ex was like this. Any time we'd had a disagreement he went straight to his mom and would tell her everything. But, he was a typical mamas boy so I guess this is different. He'd show her the text messages between us and she'd just sit there and read them and he would get her to message me on his behalf. I felt like you, I would have preferred him to have discussed things with one of his brothers at least, as opposed to his mom as it felt quite invasive. Especially when he'd tell her everything.

FloydPepper · 22/02/2023 08:58

OnenightinBangkok · 22/02/2023 08:46

Do you think I should leave because of our issues because before he took to doing this I thought they could possibly be worked out OR because he's taken to doing this?
I admit hearing him badmouthing me to his mother has made me view him as less of a man and have gone off him sexually because of it.
'She did this' 'She said that'. Ugh!!
Like a child telling tales.
This is not a man being neutral and asking for advice in a calm manner.
Even if it was, seek advice from a neutral third party is my view.
As for her, I just view her as an interfering bitch now.

Worse still he tends to do this when he's been drinking. He never really remembers exactly what he said the next day.

I’m sorry? What the fuck?
confiding in his mum makes him less of a man?
jesus!

TootHole · 22/02/2023 08:59

Wind up thread.

Holly60 · 22/02/2023 09:00

OnenightinBangkok · 22/02/2023 08:46

Do you think I should leave because of our issues because before he took to doing this I thought they could possibly be worked out OR because he's taken to doing this?
I admit hearing him badmouthing me to his mother has made me view him as less of a man and have gone off him sexually because of it.
'She did this' 'She said that'. Ugh!!
Like a child telling tales.
This is not a man being neutral and asking for advice in a calm manner.
Even if it was, seek advice from a neutral third party is my view.
As for her, I just view her as an interfering bitch now.

Worse still he tends to do this when he's been drinking. He never really remembers exactly what he said the next day.

The more you say the more I think you should leave.

If anyone called my mum an interfering bitch, for any reason, I wouldn't want to be with them.

This dynamic won't change, and will only get worse if you have children.

Leave now I'm afraid. You don't like his family, he does. It's a recipe for endless heartache