Page 3 | Aibu to think dh should not be telling family about our problems?

OnenightinBangkok · 2023-02-22T08:06:13+00:00

Hope I can get some advice from some objective people as I don't know if iabu or not. My husband and I are going through a very rough patch. My family are aware of this but they deem it to be the case from sensing it rather than anything I say to them. Their attitude is that they'll help if I wish to leave but don't want to know the ins and outs of the marriage. My dgm said that she felt that things were six of one half dozen of the other in terms of mine and dh's faults as people. We've no dcs. Anyway, my dh has taken to having long phone calls with his mother about our issues. I can hear him in the next room talking to her. I have begged him not to do this to no avail. It's basically him slagging me off and her somewhat enthusiastically joining in. I'm angry and hurt by this. This has made me lose trust in him and I can't stand her anymore. Aibu? P. S. I ^do^ appreciate the fact I'm asking for advice here but I'm anonymous and I guess my issue is far from unusual! Thanks for any replies.

Putitsimply · 22/02/2023 09:06

You need to leave. Neither of you like each other. And you just called his mother a bitch! You are slagging her off- and worse than him, because you’re doing it to the whole internet.

StrawBeretMoose · 22/02/2023 09:07

I wouldn't discuss marital issues with family or mutual friends and neither would DH.
I'd be really annoyed if he spoke to his mum about any issues we had.

Original poster

OnenightinBangkok · 22/02/2023 09:07

Onnabugeisha · 22/02/2023 08:54

I’m sorry, but everyone needs someone they trust to confide in and vent frustration to. That person is his mum. And quite frankly, you don’t have to be hovering in the next room listening in on what he says and his mum’s responses. Does your DH know you are spying on him? I would consider that an invasion of my privacy to be listened in on while talking with my mum about any marriage issues. Does your DH hover in the next room while you talk to your family?? I hope not because that would be doubly toxic. It’s also weirdly controlling to get angry and demand he not speak to anyone outside the marriage unless a professional counsellor.

Look, when things are rough and both members of a couple are trying to patch things up both are going to need emotional support from someone who knows them well. It’s unreasonable for you to expect yourself or him to succeed without any support. And letting off steam, expressing frustrations to a third party is a healthy thing to do- the alternative is to bottle it all up and then have explosive rows.

No. You don't get it. He is not respectfully asking for advice. He is actively and purposefully badmouthing me to his mother. Loudly so I cannot help but hear.
Sometimes actively coming into the bedroom where I've gone so to make sure I can hear. Believe me I don't want to listen.
He does this when he's been drinking heavily.
in spite of me begging him not to do this.

Because he doesn't remember a damned thing what he said to her but she does.

If asking my husband not to do this is controlling then so be it. I don't care. I think accusations of me asking him not to do this are absolutely ridiculous.

OP posts:

DontLikeMenthols · 22/02/2023 09:08

This is probably the most unpopular opinion of them all but I find slagging your partner off to random strangers on the internet who don’t know either of you and can’t give informed or educated advice worse than talking to a loved one. He’s talking to someone who’s opinion he values, who knows you both, it’s kind of tough you don’t like it as you’ve clearly let on more to your family than you’re saying if they’re ‘sensing it’ and your DGM is chipping in with her 2 cents.

its not great that you can hear him doing it and maybe you can ask him to take his calls privately but you can’t and shouldn’t try to control who he speaks to and about what. If this was reversed and a woman was confiding in her mum and her husband demanded she stopped telling others about their issues you’d hear the cries of ‘abuser’ from space.

Snoken · 22/02/2023 09:08

I think it's a good think he has someone to talk to regarding your issues. A lot of men don't feel like they can talk about feelings and it usually makes things a lot worse for everyone involved. I know you are calling it slagging off but he is most likely just telling things from his point of view.

I separated from my husband last year and in the months leading up to that and after the separation I spoke to my closest friends about our issues in detail. It's normal an healthy to speak about issues you are having, it helps as you get different perspectives and validation.

Snoken · 22/02/2023 09:10

OnenightinBangkok · 22/02/2023 09:07

No. You don't get it. He is not respectfully asking for advice. He is actively and purposefully badmouthing me to his mother. Loudly so I cannot help but hear.
Sometimes actively coming into the bedroom where I've gone so to make sure I can hear. Believe me I don't want to listen.
He does this when he's been drinking heavily.
in spite of me begging him not to do this.

Because he doesn't remember a damned thing what he said to her but she does.

If asking my husband not to do this is controlling then so be it. I don't care. I think accusations of me asking him not to do this are absolutely ridiculous.

Show quote history

Sorry, I wrote my reply before I had seen this. Now I think he's just being abusive.

Groutyonehereagain · 22/02/2023 09:10

Don’t listen then.

yodayoga1 · 22/02/2023 09:14

From your follow up messages, I really don't think the fact he chooses to talk to his mother about you is the problem. It's that he's deliberately running you down within your earshot. It's a strange passive aggressive way of going about things. Not to mention that he's sitting at home drinking to the point of memory loss the next day.

It sounds as though you've already decided you want out and I'm wondering what keeps you holding on?

Brefugee · 22/02/2023 09:14

I admit hearing him badmouthing me to his mother has made me view him as less of a man and have gone off him sexually because of it.
'She did this' 'She said that'. Ugh!!
Like a child telling tales.

you still haven't given an example of the "badmouthing". Is he saying "she hit me in the face with a frying pan" or is he saying "she's annoying"?

As for "less of a man"? DH if you're reading this: time to leave.

WandaWonder · 22/02/2023 09:14

How many women say they discuss problems with their mums, bff's, sisters etc. ?

Original poster

OnenightinBangkok · 22/02/2023 09:16

DontLikeMenthols · 22/02/2023 09:08

This is probably the most unpopular opinion of them all but I find slagging your partner off to random strangers on the internet who don’t know either of you and can’t give informed or educated advice worse than talking to a loved one. He’s talking to someone who’s opinion he values, who knows you both, it’s kind of tough you don’t like it as you’ve clearly let on more to your family than you’re saying if they’re ‘sensing it’ and your DGM is chipping in with her 2 cents.

its not great that you can hear him doing it and maybe you can ask him to take his calls privately but you can’t and shouldn’t try to control who he speaks to and about what. If this was reversed and a woman was confiding in her mum and her husband demanded she stopped telling others about their issues you’d hear the cries of ‘abuser’ from space.

It's not abusive to ask your spouse not to badmouth you to their family.

He's not saying to me 'hey let's ask my mum to help' (I'd say no as I don't think it's appropriate) he's calling her up to badmouth me when he's drunk and she loves every minute of it.

He doesn't remember a damned thing the next day.

OP posts:

Onnabugeisha · 22/02/2023 09:18

OnenightinBangkok · 22/02/2023 09:07

No. You don't get it. He is not respectfully asking for advice. He is actively and purposefully badmouthing me to his mother. Loudly so I cannot help but hear.
Sometimes actively coming into the bedroom where I've gone so to make sure I can hear. Believe me I don't want to listen.
He does this when he's been drinking heavily.
in spite of me begging him not to do this.

Because he doesn't remember a damned thing what he said to her but she does.

If asking my husband not to do this is controlling then so be it. I don't care. I think accusations of me asking him not to do this are absolutely ridiculous.

Show quote history

He doesn’t have to be “respectfully asking for advice” imho.

Bit of a drip feed to go from him in the next room and you coincidentally on purpose “overhearing” every word he and his mum say to him shouting down the phone and following you about whilst doing it and adding in he does it when he’s so blind drunk he doesn’t even remember it the next day.

May I suggest the primary issue with your marriage then is his alcohol abuse? And perhaps he needs to go to rehab and dry out.

bloodyplanes · 22/02/2023 09:18

Nope I would leave him! If he's slagging you off when you can hear him just imagine what he says when are not there! He has no respect for you to do this and he's not genuinely trying to get to the bottom of your issues he"s just painting himself as a victim to a very willing audience! My ex partner was like this and believe me it won't get better, life is so much nicer when you know that you are not being constantly slagged off or bitched about!

sandgrown · 22/02/2023 09:27

My ex and his sister used to have long, loud FaceTime conversations slagging me off . I kept my cool and ignored it as I was waiting to move out but on the day I left I completely let rip and told him what I thought of his sister ( I was disappointed with myself but they had been through my personal belongings and I lost it) She always told him what he wanted to hear . Probably your MIL is the same. I am a pretty private person but he was an oversharer which I found really difficult.

Original poster

OnenightinBangkok · 22/02/2023 09:32

Apologies for drip feeding but the opening post would be really long if I said all this in it.

I understand that some people confide in their families about their marriage problems. I don't think this is wise but it may be coming from a good place.

This is not the case here: this is a man getting drunk and making damned sure I can hear him badmouth me to his mother.

See the difference?

OP posts:

IDontWantToBeAPie · 22/02/2023 09:33

I don't know tbh. I think everyone has a need to talk to someone about their problems and a parent is usually the safest person to do hat with.

I think I couldn't say 'don't ever talk about our problems' because that feels unfair and a little controlling.

Could you afford for him to talk to a therapist instead? That might be a good compromise?

PurpleParrotfish · 22/02/2023 09:34

I’m really surprised by how many posters think this behaviour is acceptable:

Bitching about your partner to someone (anyone) else within their earshot.

Doing it repeatedly and deliberately.

Or (if expecting the relationship to continue) ensuring that there’s zero chance of a decent relationship between your partner and your mother ever in future because you’ve painted them as a complete cow.

And everyone’s like ‘oh poor lamb, he needs someone to talk to.’

OP he’s clearly checked out of the relationship, you need to do likewise.

IDontWantToBeAPie · 22/02/2023 09:35

If it really is him just getting drunk and trying to hurt you then I'd maybe consider his contempt a sign that things are over

PurpleParrotfish · 22/02/2023 09:36

IDontWantToBeAPie · 22/02/2023 09:35

If it really is him just getting drunk and trying to hurt you then I'd maybe consider his contempt a sign that things are over

This.

Whichwhatnow · 22/02/2023 09:36

Oh I would not be happy with this OP. I know that my DH speaks to his two best friends (one male and one female) and his dad about our issues when they come up. But it's not badmouthing, it's offloading stresses. Likewise I speak to my sisters but I don't badmouth him. It's one thing to offload, quite another to badmouth.

My sister used to slag off her DP at length to all of us and it made it really difficult for us to then be all friendly with him when they inevitably made up. It used to really piss me off tbh.

Goodread1 · 22/02/2023 09:49

Hi Op
I do think you and your husband do need some one outside family home,
to talk to about stuff like this in regard of your marriage problems,

Whether a good trustful friend ect or /and going for one to one counselling therapy sessions, then having couples relationships therapy too sessions,

I can see why as a family member his mother he turns to naturally,
the issue thing is which is Disrespectful is him talking within earshot of yourself,
Plus him slagging you off,
(Its obviously going 🙄 to be very much one sided about who's creating marriage disharmony, for obvious reasons,

Also if you hopefully can address sort out your marriage issues properly successfully,
His mother due to having a one sided viewpoint of his issues/faults with you is obviously going to have likely a negative jaundiced view of you going forwards,
However thinks work out in your marriage,

It's natural ,normal and healthy and human to want to vent/ talk through relationship problems just to get clarity, get reassurance

Onnabugeisha · 22/02/2023 09:52

OnenightinBangkok · 22/02/2023 09:32

Apologies for drip feeding but the opening post would be really long if I said all this in it.

I understand that some people confide in their families about their marriage problems. I don't think this is wise but it may be coming from a good place.

This is not the case here: this is a man getting drunk and making damned sure I can hear him badmouth me to his mother.

See the difference?

I would have written my first post very differently if that key information had been included in your OP.

Alcohol dependency and abuse is the problem.

Brefugee · 22/02/2023 09:57

Apologies for drip feeding but the opening post would be really long if I said all this in it.
I understand that some people confide in their families about their marriage problems. I don't think this is wise but it may be coming from a good place.
This is not the case here: this is a man getting drunk and making damned sure I can hear him badmouth me to his mother.
See the difference?

ah, OP. Do you get why so many threads go like this?

you could have written 3 lines about your drunk DH slagging you off to his mum and you can hear it because it's so loud.

But anyway: none of what I've said changes. You have to decide where the red lines are. And then act accordingly.

It is wrong for him to do this, it is also wrong for you to try to stop him talking about his personal life to his mum.

calmandcaffeinated · 22/02/2023 10:00

OnenightinBangkok · 22/02/2023 09:32

Apologies for drip feeding but the opening post would be really long if I said all this in it.

I understand that some people confide in their families about their marriage problems. I don't think this is wise but it may be coming from a good place.

This is not the case here: this is a man getting drunk and making damned sure I can hear him badmouth me to his mother.

See the difference?

OP is sounds like you need some love and support right now. Do you have people you can reach out to about this? I don't think it would be unreasonable to explain how the situation is making you feel and what effect it is having on you to your family without going into tons of details. I also don't think it would be unreasonable for you to share what has been going on with your mum what you've shared here. I think you need to look after yourself and your well-being. If DH starts ranting and getting drunk simply remove yourself or ask him to leave until he's sober. I don't think any of this is fair on you.

Goodread1 · 22/02/2023 10:03

Actually having a re think here,
I think Op@OnenightinBangkok

You would be so much better off, without this jerk of so called partner/shit emotionally abusive marriage, you have in your life,

Ditch /get out of this marriage,

He obviously no longer cares about you and this marriage,
Him bad mouthing you the contempt he feels seeps with every nasty word, he comes out with,
It's drip drip nastiness of this,

It's domestic abusive
Emotional abuse