Grandfather smacked DS bottom

[ranblungs]

DS can have meltdowns/big tantrums, usually when he's very tired. More so when he's at his grandparents' house (ex's parents). They have communicated to me that they found his behaviour very difficult at one point, but it seems to have resolved now.

ExDP did live with them but moved our two weeks ago.

DS (aged 4) told me yesterday evening that grandad had smacked his bottom because he was being naughty and that it "really hurt" he got upset as he was telling me and cried. I get the impression this wasn't necessarily recent.

DS also can play up at bed time when he is there and he told me that grandad pushes him back onto the bed for being naughty at bed time.

I'm not sure what to do next?

They are huge sources of childcare, ExDP is supposed to have him two nights per week but often works away so they will have him. They also help out during the week as/when needed.

The relationship between us was once very strained when DS was tiny.

I am furious that he has hit my child. Am I overreacting as it was just a smack on the bottom?

DS can be very challenging there.

She herself acknowledges all this

And that's the key point. That's what makes her so different to some of the hitters and their cheerleaders on here.

What's done is done, you can't change it. But you can either recognise it was a mistake and advocate for better methods now that we all know better.

Or you can continue to push it as acceptable, even after the evidence is in and shows it's harmful. And also discredit, insult or demean anyone whose experiences of it show that it's damaging, because you'd rather a harmful practice continues than to face up to your or your parents' mistakes.

And that's not OK.

Hi, you're all still here!

Had a quick scan, so, after nearly 24 hours, nobody has yet addressed my point about why and when we stop hitting children?

It seems to be during the arguably most difficult era of all, the teenage years. Surely if it worked on a small child and was quick and painless and effective, it would be a great thing not to chuck out of your toolkit just as their eyeline starts to meet yours?

After nearly 24 hours, nobody has yet addressed my point about what 'hurt' is to a child.

I think it would be reasonable to presume that parents who have put the time and energy and thought into working out alternatives to hitting their children, have also gone to the same effort to research and make sure that the methods they're using aren't psychologically torturous.

Wouldn't make sense otherwise would it, if you're not bothered about hurting a child you'd just hit it, much quicker and easier, requires far less thought and patience, and you don't have to spend hours learning about alternatives.

I have never hit my children, I have never locked them in a room. I have never sat them on a naughty step, they woudn't know what one was. I do not think of my parenting in terms of punishments and rewards. I have always concentrated on the relationship, and that has worked for me. Like you would with an adult human. They're not that different, really. Once you stop trying to win the war of attrition.

They have never stuck their fingers in a socket, murdered anyone with a knife from the kitchen drawer, don't display any antisocial tendencies.

They are kind, empathic, well rounded, balanced and understand how to be a good human. Importantly, they don't think that hitting is the answer to anything.

I do not think of my parenting in terms of punishments and rewards. I have always concentrated on the relationship, and that has worked for me. Like you would with an adult human. They're not that different, really. Once you stop trying to win the war of attrition.

Yes. This this this this.

Although I confess I do do reward, because I believe in positive reinforcement (it means that usually, all you have to do if something is up is not praise) but I know what you mean and I suspect we are pretty much the same. I never did naughty step etc either.

I reward, I worded that badly.

We are all different, and have different values. One parent' would be horrified at the thought of their child attending the local primary school and would be delighted to pack them off to boarding at 7, and truly believe that was the best thing.

Another would find that completely unthinkable. What's aspirational parenting to some, is truly horrendous to another.

I think that once you've made your choices based on your beliefs, it becomes incredibly difficult to admit that you got it wrong, or even examine them honestly. It's hard to unpick why we do what we do when so much of behaviour is based on belief.

We back our choices most of the time, confirmation bias is an even more wonderful thing than hindsight, because it requires less work.

I don’t mind a bit of spanking. Both in as a disciplinary form but also as an adult form of pleasure. I like the power dynamic and also think it really sets the tone.
when I was small I got smacked and I don’t think it’s impacted on me.
i though the law was your still allowed to smack as long as there isn’t a mark? Has that changed? And if so was their a mark OP?

@Randomactsofspanking I don't know who you are but I love you, bravo!

I like the power dynamic and also think it really sets the tone.

Oh, I think the hitters would heartily agree.

Yes! Very eloquently put!

Although, my neighbour has her father living with her and he's got dementia.

He's developed a bit of a fasicnation for plug sockets recently, and his reasoning isn't what it was.

I'll suggest that a few sharp well timed slaps will harmlessly have it nipped in the bud within the week.

I like a bit of spanking too

Yes! Thank you - perfectly encapsulated.

I was whopped on my arse about 3-4 times, aged 4-7, poss 8, by my dad. I deserved each one. I wasn't injured, let alone bruised. I was put in my (correct) place.

And, almost miraculously, it would appear, I loved and respected my parents. As they, madly, did me.

I'm sorry the 'Grip' shop has gone out of business.

I'm 60. My parents are gone.

Did you hit your children? Would you hit your grandchildren?

I was whopped on my arse about 3-4 times, aged 4-7, poss 8, by my dad. I deserved each one... I was put in my (correct) place.

This is bitter, authoritarian amd a horrible way to speak about a child of seven or under. I don't know how you can write this and think it didn't damage you.

Children do not ever deserve violence and parenting is not some exercise in "putting children in their place". The concept is straight out of the abuser's handbook.

... I was put in my (correct) place.

I'm sorry. Out of interest, what place was that?

I think you need to calm down @ReneBumsWombats
You are cherry picking a few things from nearly 20 pages of posts, repeating them out of context and being pretty rude to anyone who doesn't accept your view.
We are all entitled to an opinion and some people's opinions will be different to yours. Get over it.
It's interesting that arguably the most vociferous anti-smacker on this page is also the most aggressive.

I'm sure we are all very grateful to you for wading in a day and a night later to de-escalate the situation in such a skilful manner. Thank you for your very important contribution.

I think it's very important that people who think keeping toddlers away from sockets is bad parenting, or who practise cognitive dissonance to discredit traumatised children, get called out. You don't, well, as you say, that's your prerogative. However, nobody has denied anyone's right to an opinion and when the only thing you've got going for yours is that it's not illegal to hold it...pah.

Interesting that you think I'm the most aggressive when it's someone else who's had half her posts deleted.

I actually thought you were remarkably restrained!

Thank you.

I'm used to this. I type fast (occupational hazard) and it is often painted as uncontrolled rage by those who don't have any other counter to it. It's not something I can really change, so people will have to accept it or scroll past my posts. If they are abusive, report them.

Let's be honest, telling someone to calm down is is a classic attempt to imply they're not calm while goading them. It's a boring old trope and we all know it.

But if there is something worth getting worked up about, I'd say child assault qualifies. It's a shame not everyone thinks so, but we've learned a lot about that from this thread.

Anyway, where were we? Parents should hit children to teach them "their place". We await what that place is, and why hitting is the best way to put them there....

I rest my case

@ranblungs I would firstly talk to them and explain that whilst it was common in the 70's80's it is not acceptable now. You will work with them to explain the discipline methods you use and if they don't use those you will stop the current arrangements. To the person who said 50 yr olds were not smacked I assure you that even children born in the early 90's were still smacked.

Devastating.

@ReneBumsWombats you are very rude and so convinced you are right, you won't listen to anyone else apart from those who share your views. That's not sensible debate, and as you say you use reasoning and explanation to disciple your children, I hope they continue to agree with you. I'm not keen on staying around to be shouted down, so I'm out.