Page 13 | Grandfather smacked DS bottom

ranblungs · 2023-02-21T14:35:07+00:00

DS can have meltdowns/big tantrums, usually when he's very tired. More so when he's at his grandparents' house (ex's parents). They have communicated to me that they found his behaviour very difficult at one point, but it seems to have resolved now. ExDP did live with them but moved our two weeks ago. DS (aged 4) told me yesterday evening that grandad had smacked his bottom because he was being naughty and that it "really hurt" he got upset as he was telling me and cried. I get the impression this wasn't necessarily recent. DS also can play up at bed time when he is there and he told me that grandad pushes him back onto the bed for being naughty at bed time. I'm not sure what to do next? They are huge sources of childcare, ExDP is supposed to have him two nights per week but often works away so they will have him. They also help out during the week as/when needed. The relationship between us was once very strained when DS was tiny. I am furious that he has hit my child. Am I overreacting as it was just a smack on the bottom? DS can be very challenging there.

GoldDuster · 23/02/2023 09:33

ReneBumsWombats · 23/02/2023 09:33

If what you say is true, then the majority of adults would have been experiencing deep psychological issues, behavioural problems etc for the entire duration of human history. That clearly isn't the case.

Er...

Lord.

Pearlygates · 23/02/2023 09:35

ColonelDax · 23/02/2023 09:32

But that's obvious drivel though isn't it. People have smacked children for thousands of years, far more openly and harshly than we do now.

If what you say is true, then the majority of adults would have been experiencing deep psychological issues, behavioural problems etc for the entire duration of human history. That clearly isn't the case.

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If what you say is true, then the majority of adults would have been experiencing deep psychological issues, behavioural problems etc for the entire duration of human history. That clearly isn't the case.

LOL 😂 You're clearly in denial.

ColonelDax · 23/02/2023 09:35

GoldDuster · 23/02/2023 09:30

@ColonelDax

So just out of interest, if you've got children, which I'm thinking you might because you sound like you might have thought about this, do you indulge in a bit of sensible hitting of them now and again?

We did lots of things for thousands of years. Some cultures still do. We don't do them now because we know better. If you stretch this out you could be eating your neighbour for dinner, or we could be operating on babies without any anasthesia despite it being available for adults, becuse the belief was that babies did not feel pain. Fuck it, let's have a stoning in the town square, and while we are at it, why not relatively recent law that raping a woman is illegal even if she is your wife!

@ReneBumsWombats this illustrates nicely your question about why it is on the bottom. Because it's covert. It doesn't bruise as readily and isn't as visible as a slap to the face or a pinch to the forearm. There is method in the madness.

I have three children, all now grown up and I smacked all of them on occasion. No issues whatsoever and they all have successful lives, good jobs or are currently at Uni. No internal family strife or resentment and we all meet regularly.

The idea that because I think some things that have always been done are right must mean that I think everything that has been always been done in the past is right as well is just silly and does nothing to advance your argument, or prove mine wrong.

Ifeellikeateenageragain · 23/02/2023 09:38

ReneBumsWombats · 23/02/2023 09:33

If what you say is true, then the majority of adults would have been experiencing deep psychological issues, behavioural problems etc for the entire duration of human history. That clearly isn't the case.

Er...

Exactly 🙄

ColonelDax · 23/02/2023 09:41

Ifeellikeateenageragain · 23/02/2023 09:38

Exactly 🙄

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I'm not sure what you think you are saying?

Are you and others honestly making the argument that for the entire duration of human history, the vast majority of humans have had deep seated physcological issues and struggled to deal with life?

That's obviously untrue and the worst kind of modern idealism.

I would argue that our ancestors were far more physcologically robust and able to cope with life than any of us today!

Ifeellikeateenageragain · 23/02/2023 09:43

DanseAvecLesLoup · 23/02/2023 08:01

Because people are fallible and at times during extreme stress may not follow textbook approved childrearing techniques? I don't think too many new parents start out with the view that smacking is to be part of their toolkit. I know more then a few parents who have admitted being at the 'end of the their tether' in the early years of parenting. Sleep deprived, exhausted, trying to hold down a full time job and barely keeping their head above the water and eventually snapping when a perfect storm of multiple external pressures and very challenging behaviour converge. Well done you if you managed to navigate those waters successfully, not everyone can.

I have seen on here frazzled upset parents confessing that they have slapped their kid for the first time. They are distraught by their actions and loss of control and know it was wrong but you still get the usual mob on here calling them violent abusers, telling them they need to leave the home, get the police and social services involved rather then realise they are just normal parents who have been pushed to the limits. Nobody is perfect, but your posts are coming across as particularly goady. No, before you accuse me of being an apologist for child abuse, I don't condone the smacking of children, but I'm not going to jump on otherwise loving caring parents who 'fail' to get everything right 100% of the time.

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Because end of your tether is not assault against a small child. What would your response be if people who reached the "end of their tether" at work smacked a colleague? Same response? Oh they didn't intend it to be part of their professional skillset but these things happen. No, that wouldn't be the response. It's assault. So why should we ignore/sanction assault against a small child?

GoldDuster · 23/02/2023 09:44

@ColonelDax I'm not here to prove you wrong.

I have three children, all now grown up and I smacked all of them on occasion.

As an experiment, next time you're kids are all round at yours for denial fest Sunday Lunch just out of interest, ask them to be really really open and honest, tell them there will be no ramifications, you're not going to hit them, don't worry! and ask them if how they feel about being smacked as children.

It's possible that you've not got that kind of relationship and they're all concentrating on being good and successful rather than on how they feel, but give it a go, you might learn something.

GoldDuster · 23/02/2023 09:44

your*

ReneBumsWombats · 23/02/2023 09:51

GoldDuster · 23/02/2023 09:44

@ColonelDax I'm not here to prove you wrong.

I have three children, all now grown up and I smacked all of them on occasion.

As an experiment, next time you're kids are all round at yours for denial fest Sunday Lunch just out of interest, ask them to be really really open and honest, tell them there will be no ramifications, you're not going to hit them, don't worry! and ask them if how they feel about being smacked as children.

It's possible that you've not got that kind of relationship and they're all concentrating on being good and successful rather than on how they feel, but give it a go, you might learn something.

Or maybe, a better question: ask them if they smack their own kids and if not, why not.

But I should warn you that my experience of asking this is to receive abuse, hyperbole and accusations of insanity...but not an actual answer.

Calphurnia88 · 23/02/2023 09:51

ColonelDax · 23/02/2023 09:32

But that's obvious drivel though isn't it. People have smacked children for thousands of years, far more openly and harshly than we do now.

If what you say is true, then the majority of adults would have been experiencing deep psychological issues, behavioural problems etc for the entire duration of human history. That clearly isn't the case.

Show quote history

The illegality of rape within marriage wasn't laid out explicitly until the Sexual Offences Act 2003.

Prior to that there are numerous historical documents pertaining to the idea that a man cannot be guilty of raping his wife.

Shall we bring that back, since clearly it was accepted for thousands of years? F*ck it, let's bring back public executions whilst we're at it. That'll show those pesky pearl clutchers.

(In case it's not obvious I'm being purposefully ridiculous to make a point).

bigbazooka · 23/02/2023 09:52

ColonelDax · 23/02/2023 09:35

I have three children, all now grown up and I smacked all of them on occasion. No issues whatsoever and they all have successful lives, good jobs or are currently at Uni. No internal family strife or resentment and we all meet regularly.

The idea that because I think some things that have always been done are right must mean that I think everything that has been always been done in the past is right as well is just silly and does nothing to advance your argument, or prove mine wrong.

Show quote history

I am also successful and have a good job I have a wonderful family.
Similar to your children, I was also smacked as a child.

From the outside looking in, you wouldn't think I had any issues with my mum and I'm sure like you, she thinks she did a grand job raising me and that I hold no resentment towards her at all. That couldn't be farther from the truth.

Please do as the poster above suggested and ask your children how they REALLY feel about you.

Please stop living in denial and thinking they turned out absolutely fine therefore it can't be that bad!

ColonelDax · 23/02/2023 09:53

GoldDuster · 23/02/2023 09:44

@ColonelDax I'm not here to prove you wrong.

I have three children, all now grown up and I smacked all of them on occasion.

As an experiment, next time you're kids are all round at yours for denial fest Sunday Lunch just out of interest, ask them to be really really open and honest, tell them there will be no ramifications, you're not going to hit them, don't worry! and ask them if how they feel about being smacked as children.

It's possible that you've not got that kind of relationship and they're all concentrating on being good and successful rather than on how they feel, but give it a go, you might learn something.

We discuss everything as a family, always have and even as children no subject was off the table.

We have discussed physical chastisement many times over the years and they have no issue with how they were treated as children (which was with 100% love), so please don't condescendingly imply they are all cowering in fear, afraid to tell me the truth, or that I've never brought it up in case they tell me something I don't want to hear.

The world is wider than just your opinion, and MN isn't representative of most people I'm afraid!

Ifeellikeateenageragain · 23/02/2023 09:55

ColonelDax · 23/02/2023 09:41

I'm not sure what you think you are saying?

Are you and others honestly making the argument that for the entire duration of human history, the vast majority of humans have had deep seated physcological issues and struggled to deal with life?

That's obviously untrue and the worst kind of modern idealism.

I would argue that our ancestors were far more physcologically robust and able to cope with life than any of us today!

Show quote history

Of course, it's not as though there was widespread consumption of cheap alcohol and laudanum, and cycles of abuse in previous generations... Oh wait...

ColonelDax · 23/02/2023 09:57

Calphurnia88 · 23/02/2023 09:51

The illegality of rape within marriage wasn't laid out explicitly until the Sexual Offences Act 2003.

Prior to that there are numerous historical documents pertaining to the idea that a man cannot be guilty of raping his wife.

Shall we bring that back, since clearly it was accepted for thousands of years? F*ck it, let's bring back public executions whilst we're at it. That'll show those pesky pearl clutchers.

(In case it's not obvious I'm being purposefully ridiculous to make a point).

Show quote history

What are you talking about? Nobody is suggesting 'bringing back' obviously criminal activites because they used to be acceptable.

As you said yourself, putting smacking in the same category as marital rape iis ridiculous and does nothing to prove your point, or disprove mine.

GoldDuster · 23/02/2023 10:00

@ReneBumsWombats

Or maybe, a better question: ask them if they smack their own kids and if not, why not.

Ahh come on, we know that nooobody can answer that question!

Even @ColonelDax who to be fair is pretty balls out and will admit to it at least. Thank god for Brexit eh, it will all be back to normal pretty soon.

ReneBumsWombats · 23/02/2023 10:00

I would argue that our ancestors were far more physcologically robust and able to cope with life than any of us today!

You weren't there, but from what I gather, the men coped by drinking and hitting their wives and the women coped by taking drugs and gaining a reputation for being irrational.

But I might just be bitter, as a member of the generation that invented allergies and ADHD...

ForTheLoveOfSleep · 23/02/2023 10:01

ColonelDax · 23/02/2023 09:57

What are you talking about? Nobody is suggesting 'bringing back' obviously criminal activites because they used to be acceptable.

As you said yourself, putting smacking in the same category as marital rape iis ridiculous and does nothing to prove your point, or disprove mine.

Show quote history

Yes it does. Rape within marrraige was something that wasn't illegal that most definitely should have been and now is. Just as hitting your children should be. Just as it is in both Wales and Scotland.

Just as a side question, At what age do you think smacking should commence. Is a 6 month old who is throwing their food ok to smack if the parent "reaches the end of their tether"?

ReneBumsWombats · 23/02/2023 10:03

A child too young to reason will not be able to understand why they've been hit.

If the child is old enough to reason...why can't you reason?

GoldDuster · 23/02/2023 10:04

@ForTheLoveOfSleep

At what age do you think smacking should commence.

And just as interestingly, at what age should it stop? Oh hang on, it seems to just weirdly naturally fizzle out when they're big enough to hit you back.

2022again · 23/02/2023 10:07

yougov.co.uk/topics/society/articles-reports/2021/09/27/smacking-parents-who-were-physically-punished-chil

bigbazooka · 23/02/2023 10:08

GoldDuster · 23/02/2023 10:04

@ForTheLoveOfSleep

At what age do you think smacking should commence.

And just as interestingly, at what age should it stop? Oh hang on, it seems to just weirdly naturally fizzle out when they're big enough to hit you back.

Bingo! I remember clearly when I started "lightly" defending myself it suddenly stopped. I think I was about 15 or 16 then.

GoldDuster · 23/02/2023 10:09

Boys in particular have a moment they can recall, especially with fathers who like to indulge in a bit of sensible hitting where it was the last time.

That wasn't because the parent made a rational assessment and realised that their work was done, all was well and the child had sustained the perfect amount of wallops to do the job and they were now very well behaved.

It was because the adult hit the now child, the child looked them in the eye and there was a moment where the adult knew they wouldn't get away with it again.

GoldDuster · 23/02/2023 10:11

But, absolutely happy to be wrong @ColonelDax

Just out of interest, why and when did you stop hitting your children. If you're able to say.

GoldDuster · 23/02/2023 10:13

Let's be fair, don't let @ColonelDax take the all the queries just because she's got the front to admit it... how about all the other posters who don't mind a good old smack of a small child?

When's a good time to stop hitting your children do you think?

Join in!

hello...?

QuizzlyBear · 23/02/2023 10:15

I'm 46 and was smacked as a child with hands and a wooden spoon. It bred fear and resentment towards the parent who did it.

Therefore with my kids I haven't once raised a hand to them in any capacity as I don't want to parent through fear.

My MIL was looking after DS1 when he was a toddler and I saw her smack his hand to tell him off (she didn't hurt him, it was was more 'performative') I have to admit that I marched right in and told her that wasn't how we raised our child, that physical punishment wasn't our chosen way to parent him and if she wanted to be a part of raising him, she'd have to do it our way.

She was pretty shocked as I'm non confrontational and she usually gets her own way in most things, but to give her her dues, she never once tried to smack or 'tap' him ever again.

Maybe try talking to your in-laws before quitting your job, going to SS or plunging yourself into poverty. You might be surprised at their willingness to adapt.