How much £ would you give DM in these circumstances?

[StereoTie]

Have NC this but regular poster. Would appreciate opinions on this situation.

If adult daughter in 40s who was financially comfortable with two DC and a DH who was a high earner had a windfall of £20,000 (not as a result of work or anything related, some good fortune) would you expect that daughter to give her only remaining living parent (70) any of the money?

Background is the daughter and mother are very close, the DM is struggling financially and hasn't worked much since covid and now lives on her pension. The daughter and her husband have a large mortgage but can afford to pay for it plus other luxuries. They have two DC who have everything they need.

No other siblings involved.

My MIL pleads poverty but still gets all her totally organic food shop from Waitrose. I would honesty need to know your outgoings more before comment. She also spends a substantial amount on supplements.

My mates new mortgage rate means her payment has gone from 150 per month to 450 per month.

you say you are worried about money.. lots of people are... Do you actually have debt?
I wouldn't give you £500 as you seem to be completely ungreatful for that.

I'd be give Mum between £2-5k to make her life easier.

@Eyerollcentral The OP never said they were in “perilous debt”. They have no right to expect anything and need to grab some dignity from somewhere

This situation can have so many variables that’s it’s not easy to answer. There is actually no right or wrong . I think you should be pleased that your daughter and her family are doing good with their financial status in life and are not relying on you for money which happens in some families . Be pleased for them . Best way to look at it .

Hmm, depends on so much. In my family it would seem strange to give money like that so it would be more like paying for things every so often that would otherwise be out of the mother's reach, eg holiday, new sofa. If the DM is struggling financially with bills then a monthly allowance may be more useful. I would worry a one-off payment would be gone quickly and not help in the long term. Just really depends on their needs. I do know friends who have done that for their parents, though not British friends. In other cultures it's quite common to support older relatives, but still feel giving a lump sum is quite unusual.

£20,000 is a lot of money and I don't think many families wouldn't benefit from it unless extremely wealthy. It's always good to have a cushion of savings especially in these times. Then there's money for the kids' future, home improvements, special holidays - it wouldn't go far with these things. So I can understand wanting to keep it within the family.

Exactly AND don’t you want your daughter to be in a better position at your age? She sounds financially savvy.

No, I would not expect any money and would be damn grateful if I got a penny.

A - they have a mortgage- so with rates I would think they should take off that.

B - I might think they would be wise to put some for the dc when they go to uni

Where was the windfall from?

Of course it sounds as though they can afford it. That is OP's point of view so that is how it has been put to us. I don't understand why some posters were assuming at first that it was the daughter posting, when it was so very obviously either the mother or someone arguing her corner (the mother's partner perhaps, or a zealous aunt). It would be quite interesting to hear the daughter's perspective.

I do think one should be prepared to step in and assist family members when they fall into difficulties. It has not been made clear just how much difficulty is involved here, though, more hinted at. Also the OP is living on a pension, but what sort of pension? If state only, things could well be tight. If private, it could be massive for all we know.

I'm speaking from the point of view of a single parent nearing retirement myself (and my pension will not be massive). At least two of my DC earn substantially more than I do, but they also have more expenses. I'd reluctantly accept a loan in an emergency, but as long as I'm managing, even if only "just about", I'd be mortified to cadge money off them just because they've got some. A generous present, such as £500, would be very kind and definitely unexpected. Whether they could have spared more - that's none of my business.

I didn’t say that the OP claimed they were in perilous debt. I said if I was in the position where I had won 20k unless I was in perilous debt I would give my mother £5k. They have no right to expect anything at all, that’s completely correct, however there would need to be one hell of a back story to justify allowing your mother to struggle through old age on little money when you can hand her a gift of £5k to make her life more comfortable. My mother isn’t even particularly nice to me but I still recognise she sacrificed everything for us and always put herself last. If you can’t even think of repaying a parent with a few thousand pounds I would seriously suggest you take a look at yourself.

I would give my parents as much as I could afford if they needed it.£500 isn’t very generous under the circumstances.

p.s. If any of my DC are reading this, it is not meant to be taken as a hint!

I don't understand some PP being very mean, given the situation the OP has described, I would gift DM at least half of the windfall.

I would give my Mam 5000, 2500 each to my two children in those exact circumstances.

Well, being as how I would be the mother in this "for instance," I have to say that anything my DC gave me would be deeply appreciated, but nothing would be expected. The DD should give her mother exactly what she wants to give her mother. Not a pound more, not a pound less.

@Eyerollcentral Clearly you just want an argument this evening. What I said I said as a parent. I would personally never take money from my children. If I look at it from a daughter’s perspective then I would,of course offer my parents money but knowing my parents they would be horrified and never accept it. Maybe the OP and her daughter aren’t as close as she thinks they are. You’re just hearing her side. The daughter could have a completely different story to tell

YABU.
I wouldn't have given my mother any of the money in these circumstances (not that she would have accepted it, if I had tried) and I sure as hell wouldn't accept it off any of my dc.

Financial planning for my retirement has been my responsibility and is related to choice I've made over all my adult life.
It is for my dc to make their own choice and I wouldn't expect them to give away money that could help pay down their very large mortgage, especially as it sounds like they are coming out of a fixed rate and it will be going up considerably. If they offered, I'd tell them not to be so daft, and to pay down their mortgage as the interest rates go up.

This very simply and elegantly gets to the heart of it. I too would give my parent as much as I could afford. £500 is not very much in the circumstances. I think @StereoTie most people in real life would do that same. Please don’t take the hurtful comments on here to heart, you have to wonder what kind of families they were raised in.

@Eyerollcentral and what the hell does a child have to “repay” a parent for?! Very odd wording

I don’t want an argument at all. You misrepresented what I said and I corrected that. You tagged me. You are indulging in a lot of maybes and what ifs. It comes down to this, regardless of whether or not your parents would be horrified or not (assuming there they don’t need the money), if they were on their uppers and you came in to £20k would you really only give them £500?

Why don't you focus on being grateful for the extra £500 you have?

2.5 per cent of a windfall to struggling next of kin isn’t generous.

The upside here: you don’t have to be that grateful.

Downside: apart from the obvious, you need to get - and stay - tough on free childcare and unpaid domestic services. Don’t do anything in the hope they’ll change. They won’t.

DD & DSIL won’t change. Do not fall for the sob story - and ignore ‘DH wouldn’t let you have any money’.

@Eyerollcentral i never said I would only give them £500 and you’re assuming things again by saying my parents wouldn’t need the money. If they did or not they wouldn’t take it. You’ve completely missed the point. Anyway you’re boring me now

I love my parents with all my heart. It's my dream to be comfortable enough to help them with anything they want (even though they don't need it). If I was comfortable financially, a high earner and came into even more money that I wasn't expecting - and my parents were struggling? I'd give them all of it if they needed it.

I understand that might be different if you do not have a good relationship or there are other factors at play (like addiction or gambling issues etc)

Of course, if my DM was struggling and I wasn’t