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Original poster

How much £ would you give DM in these circumstances?

601 replies

StereoTie · 19/02/2023 21:14

Have NC this but regular poster. Would appreciate opinions on this situation.

If adult daughter in 40s who was financially comfortable with two DC and a DH who was a high earner had a windfall of £20,000 (not as a result of work or anything related, some good fortune) would you expect that daughter to give her only remaining living parent (70) any of the money?

Background is the daughter and mother are very close, the DM is struggling financially and hasn't worked much since covid and now lives on her pension. The daughter and her husband have a large mortgage but can afford to pay for it plus other luxuries. They have two DC who have everything they need.

No other siblings involved.

OP posts:
Lapland123 · 20/02/2023 00:04

I think the money goes one way, from
older to younger. You don’t have a mortgage so maybe don’t understand what has happened. Nor the cost of housing and it’s relation to salaries compared to your younger days. They have dependent children.

I expect the current middle aged generation and younger will be working when they are 70, and older.

I can’t believe you want to take money from them all.

Eyerollcentral · 20/02/2023 00:04

Dita73 · 19/02/2023 23:56

@Eyerollcentral and what the hell does a child have to “repay” a parent for?! Very odd wording

I grew up quite poor in a large family. Every penny was counted. My mother did not spend one penny on herself. Of course as successful adults we want to repay my mother her sacrifices for our good, maybe you haven’t had that experience and that colours your thinking. I know no one who grew up in the circumstances I did who would come in to this amount of money who wouldn’t wish to repay the care and love of their parents by gifting them several thousand pounds. Your experience may be different.

IListenedAndIHeard · 20/02/2023 00:06

And surely it depends on the example you have set over the years. If you have been generous with your DD as she started out in life, you might be right to be a bit upset. If you are like my DM who made it clear that I was on my own and I'd not see a penny from her no matter what, you are probably being U.

Cornishclio · 20/02/2023 00:06

Surely if you are 70 you are retired anyway and the comment about not working much since COVID is irrelevant. If you have been unable to afford to retire I guess any gift I give you would depend on why you have not saved for retirement.

The windfall belongs to your DD and DH so as such they should agree on what is done with it. If they have a large mortgage my first thought would be to pay that down too.

Itisbetter · 20/02/2023 00:06

It wouldn’t cross my mind to give my mother anything. She wouldn’t take it anyway. In my family money flows down the generations not up. I have no idea if that’s the norm but that’s how it’s Co always been.

Eyerollcentral · 20/02/2023 00:08

Dita73 · 20/02/2023 00:02

@Eyerollcentral i never said I would only give them £500 and you’re assuming things again by saying my parents wouldn’t need the money. If they did or not they wouldn’t take it. You’ve completely missed the point. Anyway you’re boring me now

I didn’t say you would only give your parents £500. I asked you would you only give them £500 in the scenario set out in the OP. That is the question and you haven’t answered it. I’ve assumed nothing.

Bimblybomeyelash · 20/02/2023 00:08

£5000 seems like a massive chunk to me. I might give my mum £1k? But it wouldn’t necessarily occur to me to give her anything. Our income is greater, but we have a mortgage and 4 people in our household. She has a small pension, but no mortgage left to pay.

SemperIdem · 20/02/2023 00:09

You thought they should give you 10k?!

How incredibly entitled of you.

frazzledasarock · 20/02/2023 00:14

You don’t have a mortgage to pay. Yore retired.

they’ve got a mortgage and a young family and you think they should be giving you their money. Because in your view they have more than you as they both work.

you could get a job as well, subsidise your pension.

they have more money coming in than you do. But they also have more outgoings. If they don’t pay their mortgage they’d lose their home.

they’re being sensible paying off a chunk of their mortgage.

you were given money by your daughter, so they did include you even though they’re not obligated to.

in all honesty would you have given your daughter any part of a windfall? Given how you think she’s fine and already got more money than she needs?

HoppingPavlova · 20/02/2023 00:15

I will get flamed for this but I thought at least £5000 maybe £10000 as the money won't make much difference to them and they never had it before and were fine when I've told them for ages I'm worried about money

That’s just bonkers. You want half of the money? If they have a mortgage then that should be their priority.

rosygirl13 · 20/02/2023 00:16

Mother or not, oh my god you sound entitled! It’s not your daughters job to financially support you, nor give you money regardless if she’s in a comfortable position. You should be proud that’s she worked hard enough to even have a mortgage and be financially secure. Why are you so bitter? The fact your are so entitled probably speaks as to WHY she hasn’t offered more.

Teaandtoast3 · 20/02/2023 00:18

If I were in this situation I would choose to
help my parents. It’s individual choice though.

OldFan · 20/02/2023 00:19

I know fuel bills are high but if you have no mortgage I don't think you have much to worry about TBH @StereoTie . You're secure at least.

What's concerning you financially?

Maybe most of the time, only heat the room you're using? I'm disabled and unable to work long term and I'm just heating my bedroom and living in there mostly- it's fine. The price of fuel will go down eventually.

You probably have too much income to get pension credit, but worth a look www.gov.uk/pension-credit/eligibility then you'd get cost of living payments.

Shop at aldi and food's inexpensive as long as you stick to your list.

UsingChangeofName · 20/02/2023 00:19

2.5 per cent of a windfall to struggling next of kin isn’t generous.

I think I'd like to know the daughter's version of events here.
I imagine anyone with a large mortgage is going to be struggling once the interest rate rises kick in.
We also have no idea why the OP is "struggling". Or what their perception of "struggling" is. There are a lot of reasons why people might not have much money, and not all of them are because of sad stories or unfortunate circumstances.
If mother and daughter are very close and the mother were really in need due to unfortunate circumstances, then I suspect the very close daughter would acknowledge that and potentially do more to help.
It would be interesting to hear this from the other side.

Dita73 · 20/02/2023 00:19

@Eyerollcentral if you want the truth,I would give my parents every penny of it before I did anything else but they wouldn’t ever accept it

Eyerollcentral · 20/02/2023 00:21

rosygirl13 · 20/02/2023 00:16

Mother or not, oh my god you sound entitled! It’s not your daughters job to financially support you, nor give you money regardless if she’s in a comfortable position. You should be proud that’s she worked hard enough to even have a mortgage and be financially secure. Why are you so bitter? The fact your are so entitled probably speaks as to WHY she hasn’t offered more.

I have to say I don’t think the OP sounds bitter at all. Neither is she asking her daughter to financially support her. She is upset her daughter gave her a very small amount of money when she came in to a quite large amount of money. Some might say it was better to have given her nothing. I think that’s completely understandable. You might disagree but I don’t think it’s necessary to slur the OP.

Naddd · 20/02/2023 00:21

See i would help if i could and parents were struggling. However helping and expecting 5 or 10k is more than that.

your tone doesn't sit well with me. You almost have this expectation you ought to have it and all these assumptions about them.

They have their mortgage to pay. Just because they can manage doesn't mean it isn't a struggle for them. They may well not struggle that doesn't mean they shouldn't try and make things easier for themselves.

As a pensioner you'd be getting a min inc of £182 per week. Rising to over £200 from April. You would also have received £500 winter fuel payment regardless of income. You have no mortgage so have to ask how is it you're struggling.

In these circs i think 500 is more of a treat yourself thing.

LotteLomax · 20/02/2023 00:22

I find many of the responses here very sad. I’m Chinese and we take care of our own flesh and blood and we are raised to take care of the needs of our parents. Any windfall I would naturally share it with my mother - especially if she needs it. If she were well off I’d still do something for her.

OldFan · 20/02/2023 00:22

@StereoTie Why can't you downsize, if you're for some reason 'struggling?'

Or just heat the bit of the house you're using.

TeenLifeMum · 20/02/2023 00:22

Oh wow are you my mil? She expects us to pay for everything and thinks we’re loaded. We have 3dc and work lots to earn what we have. In contrast my parents barely let me buy them a coffee. You shouldn’t expect money from your dc.

Eyerollcentral · 20/02/2023 00:22

Dita73 · 20/02/2023 00:19

@Eyerollcentral if you want the truth,I would give my parents every penny of it before I did anything else but they wouldn’t ever accept it

Fair enough, I don’t think my mother would either due to pride but it doesn’t mean I would offer her only £500.

WombatsAndGumTrees · 20/02/2023 00:23

An amount depends on the circumstances. The daughter doesn't owe her mother a cent of the money. You don't really know their financial situation (not really really) and it is very sensible for them to put it on the mortgage, especially with cost of living increases. They may also want to put some aside for their children's future education. 20,000 might seem a lot but, when you start looking at some of the costs like university fees, it doesn't go that far.

The mother should be grateful for anything she is given at all and not feel she has a right to any of it. Whether I gave any or how much would depend on context if I found myself in DD's situation.

Starseeking · 20/02/2023 00:24

I'd have given £5,000, £500 wouldn't make enough of a meaningful difference to someone who is struggling.

Eyerollcentral · 20/02/2023 00:25

LotteLomax · 20/02/2023 00:22

I find many of the responses here very sad. I’m Chinese and we take care of our own flesh and blood and we are raised to take care of the needs of our parents. Any windfall I would naturally share it with my mother - especially if she needs it. If she were well off I’d still do something for her.

I feel the same and I’m not Chinese. I think a lot of the responses are sad too. Money means more to so many people than anything else.

Starseeking · 20/02/2023 00:26

StereoTie · 19/02/2023 22:08

I will get flamed for this but I thought at least £5000 maybe £10000 as the money won't make much difference to them and they never had it before and were fine when I've told them for ages I'm worried about money

It's a bit much to expect 50% being £10,000 when you have no mortgage...That amount would probably pay your bills for 2 years!