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AIBU?

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Original poster

How much £ would you give DM in these circumstances?

601 replies

StereoTie · 19/02/2023 21:14

Have NC this but regular poster. Would appreciate opinions on this situation.

If adult daughter in 40s who was financially comfortable with two DC and a DH who was a high earner had a windfall of £20,000 (not as a result of work or anything related, some good fortune) would you expect that daughter to give her only remaining living parent (70) any of the money?

Background is the daughter and mother are very close, the DM is struggling financially and hasn't worked much since covid and now lives on her pension. The daughter and her husband have a large mortgage but can afford to pay for it plus other luxuries. They have two DC who have everything they need.

No other siblings involved.

OP posts:
speedygreedy · 19/02/2023 23:00

OP I’m wondering if you’re from a culture where it is expected that children provide for their parents?

DancingDaughter50 · 19/02/2023 23:01

Hilarious! We are known as the culture that treats animals better than our elderly.

Eyerollcentral · 19/02/2023 23:01

StereoTie · 19/02/2023 21:52

She gave me £500. Her DH doesn't have a relationship with his parents so isnt giving them any.

Honestly £5000. I think I would feel very little thought of as her mother if I got £500. We have had similar situations in my own family and it wasn’t handled like this.

anaconda1831 · 19/02/2023 23:03

I think it depends on situation. If parent was struggling I’d def give them some cash from this to help them out but how much would depend on what they needed, whether it was for something essential or just to have a cushion. I def couldn’t leave a parent without essentials if I had extra.

ive given my mum £2k after a windfall as it got her out of debt and I also bought her an oven as she couldn’t afford one.

are you generally good with money OP? I know it sounds harsh but one reason I didn’t give my mum more and chose to buy her specific things rather than just give cash is that she’s got a history of being really bad with money management which has been stressful in the past

Dita73 · 19/02/2023 23:04

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BobbyBleu · 19/02/2023 23:06

Thanks @Xol but I corrected myself further down the thread

Eyerollcentral · 19/02/2023 23:11

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I disagree. There is a lot of classism in this thread in the tone of those saying money flows downwards. You have no idea what it’s like to be in a situation where there is no money to flow anywhere. Many people are very happy to subsidise their parents in retirement in recognition of the care, love and sacrifice of their mothers and fathers that helped them get to a better position in life. As I said earlier @StereoTie if I won 20k I would give my mother £5k and as I have a large family maybe £500 siblings. I understand why you feel hurt by it.

NannyGythaOgg · 19/02/2023 23:11

nothing

Butterfly44 · 19/02/2023 23:12

This is your son in laws windfall. So why would you expect his money?

JennyDarlingRIP · 19/02/2023 23:13

@DancingDaughter50 the if implies a hypothetical, I'd moved on from talking about the actual situation and was just saying if my parents found themselves in a pickle I'd be a lot more inclined to help, than if they'd frittered it away living it up with no thought to their own future (it has to be an if, because that kind of behaviour would make my dad in particular feel quite unwell I'd imagine!).
They do let me pay for dinner occasionally but not without a protest!

grumpycow1 · 19/02/2023 23:14

I can understand their worry about the mortgage going up, it makes sense to pay off as much as they can. £500 is still a lot, you are being quite presumptuous here!!

Dita73 · 19/02/2023 23:17

@Eyerollcentral You don’t know a thing about my financial situation! I’ve had many times in my life when I’ve had absolutely nothing so don’t make assumptions about me. I also know that no matter how skint I was I still would never take money from my children

Ripleysgameface · 19/02/2023 23:20

@KokoB

Absolutely, it's my mum. It sounds as though they can afford it.

saraclara · 19/02/2023 23:21

They say they need to pay off their mortgage debt because their mortgage is going to be up for renewal later this year so they're using it to do that but I think it's a bit upsetting because they weren't going to struggle to pay the new mortgage as it was

In today's climate that's the entirely sensible thing to do with the money.

Given that the money belongs to both of them, you expecting (ideally) £10,000 is basically saying you want your DD's entire share. Which is entirely unreasonable.

Without knowing your exact financial position, and theirs, we can't say whether she's being unreasonable to 'only' give you £500, to be honest.

saraclara · 19/02/2023 23:22

Also...was this an inheritance by any chance?

RatedAce · 19/02/2023 23:23

Sorry you are struggling OP. Must be scary.

itswednesdayy · 19/02/2023 23:25

This thread is embarrassing

Just because a relative comes into money, doesn’t mean they have to give 50% to their family. You’re hurting your own feelings for no reason by expecting too much. It’s crazy that you want £10,000 as a gift, and not a loan even which would be more reasonable from their perspective. Have you even broken down how you would sensibly spend that to get you out of your current rut?

Regardless it’s not your daughter’s fault that you’re on a low income and are single, she doesn’t have to give you a penny. If I was her, I’d spend money on you through joint experiences like outings or holidays, or your birthday presents. I wouldn’t give you a large sum.

Eyerollcentral · 19/02/2023 23:28

Dita73 · 19/02/2023 23:17

@Eyerollcentral You don’t know a thing about my financial situation! I’ve had many times in my life when I’ve had absolutely nothing so don’t make assumptions about me. I also know that no matter how skint I was I still would never take money from my children

True I don’t know anything about your financial situation. I can only say unless I was in perilous debt to my eyeballs I wouldn’t consider insulting my parent with £500 quid when i could easily give them much more. Older people do not have the earning potential of their children. The idea that giving money to a grandparent is taking it away from a child is a false equivalency.

itswednesdayy · 19/02/2023 23:30

My parents were not generous whilst I was growing up however - we always went without presents on birthdays and Christmas, no family holidays in or out of the UK, no support during university or for clothing or school lunches etc. Parents had joint household income of £75k so not low income. They just wanted to buy cars and property for themselves instead. I wouldn’t give them a penny - they made it clear it’s an us vs them thing.

Eyerollcentral · 19/02/2023 23:31

itswednesdayy · 19/02/2023 23:25

This thread is embarrassing

Just because a relative comes into money, doesn’t mean they have to give 50% to their family. You’re hurting your own feelings for no reason by expecting too much. It’s crazy that you want £10,000 as a gift, and not a loan even which would be more reasonable from their perspective. Have you even broken down how you would sensibly spend that to get you out of your current rut?

Regardless it’s not your daughter’s fault that you’re on a low income and are single, she doesn’t have to give you a penny. If I was her, I’d spend money on you through joint experiences like outings or holidays, or your birthday presents. I wouldn’t give you a large sum.

You are embarrassing. You wouldn’t give the low income mother that sacrificed to raise you a lump sum, you’d only deign to gift her anything if it involved you? Very uncharitable pov. The OP says that her daughter and son in law aren’t struggling and that he has a good income.

EL8888 · 19/02/2023 23:31

whynotwhatknot · 19/02/2023 22:28

then you have no idea how much the mortgage payments will be

my dsis mortgae rate just went from 1.9 to 6

its not just a few pounds

Exactly, who knows by how much their mortgage might go up by. OP is making A LOT of assumptions about her daughters family financed by the sound of things. My mum does something similar and is a similar age to her. She has no idea about how much it all costs to keep the show on the road and then wonders why both my husband l work full time. It must have been nice having free university, free childcare, low mortgages etc!

Her choice to put the money towards the mortgage and a sensible decision the way things are at the moment. I find it hard to believe OP cannot downsize to a cheaper area and / or smaller property. Is it a can’t or a wont

Stompythedinosaur · 19/02/2023 23:32

It is hard when you are worried about money yourself, but I wonder if they feel as financially stable as you think they are. Being honest, I would feel my responsibility to save for my own dc was more pressing that giving money to my dm. If they have enough money not to be worried at all about supporting their dc through study and setting up in life and they weren't already helping you then I would think they were unreasonable.

Eyerollcentral · 19/02/2023 23:33

itswednesdayy · 19/02/2023 23:30

My parents were not generous whilst I was growing up however - we always went without presents on birthdays and Christmas, no family holidays in or out of the UK, no support during university or for clothing or school lunches etc. Parents had joint household income of £75k so not low income. They just wanted to buy cars and property for themselves instead. I wouldn’t give them a penny - they made it clear it’s an us vs them thing.

It must have been awful to grow up in a family where your parents treasured money above all else. That doesn’t appear to have been the case in this instance though.

mumwon · 19/02/2023 23:33

Jesus wept.... I cannot imagine expecting my grown up children to do this. They gave you £500 and you are complaining ... I would have to be starving to accept anything bar birthday and Christmas present

OnTheBoardwalk · 19/02/2023 23:37

Would half your daughters money sort out your financial situation or would it remain?

have you spoken to her previously about your financial difficulties?

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