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Original poster

How much £ would you give DM in these circumstances?

601 replies

StereoTie · 19/02/2023 21:14

Have NC this but regular poster. Would appreciate opinions on this situation.

If adult daughter in 40s who was financially comfortable with two DC and a DH who was a high earner had a windfall of £20,000 (not as a result of work or anything related, some good fortune) would you expect that daughter to give her only remaining living parent (70) any of the money?

Background is the daughter and mother are very close, the DM is struggling financially and hasn't worked much since covid and now lives on her pension. The daughter and her husband have a large mortgage but can afford to pay for it plus other luxuries. They have two DC who have everything they need.

No other siblings involved.

OP posts:
PegasusReturns · 19/02/2023 22:46

As a starting point I wouldn’t expect children to give anything to a parent.

however if a parent was really struggling and the child had plenty then it might be appropriate, but so dependent on the circumstances.

OP what would you have used the money for?

Ripleysgameface · 19/02/2023 22:48

If it was my mum, I'd give her all of it.

KokoB · 19/02/2023 22:50

Ripleysgameface · 19/02/2023 22:48

If it was my mum, I'd give her all of it.

Gosh, really? Even if you had children and your mortgage was about to go up steeply?

7eleven · 19/02/2023 22:51

One of my kids earns about 10 times as much as me. I wouldn’t dream of taking a penny from her. I do let her treat me to lunch if we go out, but that’s it.

timetorefresh · 19/02/2023 22:53

Why should you get their money? It's very sensible of them to pay off part of their mortgage. It will save them a lot more in the long run. They aren't responsible for you, and what you've been given was generous

TheJugs · 19/02/2023 22:53

I'd give DM £5k min.

JarOfRocks · 19/02/2023 22:54

My mum is in a similar situation to you, OP. I spend a lot of time worrying about her (and, if I'm honest, resenting her for it too). But, more than that, I am so worried about how my children will be able to afford to live when they are older. How will they ever be able to afford a place to live with the way everything is going? Pensions probably won't be payable until they are in their 80's by that stage. I'd rather it went towards my children but would probably feel i had to give my mum some (and resent her for it, as I know she'd be like you and be completely clueless about my circumstances and not thinking of the grandkids' future).

DancingDaughter50 · 19/02/2023 22:54

Gosh I really hope my dc treat me if they earn loads.

We will all be star dust again within 90 years we won't be here.
Money is a conduit, important but does it matter if someone has it and is secure who pays for what??

Go out and have a good time if someone can afford it!!

TomatoSandwiches · 19/02/2023 22:54

If we still had a mortgage we wouldn't have told anyone about a windfall it would have just been used to pay a big chunk of that off tbh. 20K is actually not an awful lot if you have your own home to pay for and maintenance work, boiler repairs etc even more so with children.

I would just be grateful for the £500 and try to think positively about what you can do with that.

Xol · 19/02/2023 22:55

BobbyBleu · 19/02/2023 21:24

Honestly I wouldn't expect the daughter to give anything to her mother, especially as they aren't particularly close.
Maybe the daughter wants to save it, spend it on a holiday, invest it, give some to charity, help a friend out, it's nobody's business but hers.

I'd never expect a family member to give me any of their winnings/inheritance etc even if we were close. It's their money and their choice about how to spend it. Of course I'd be very grateful if they did help me out but you can never just expect it.

OP says they are "very close"

MakingTheVeganYorkshirePud · 19/02/2023 22:55

My mum is no longer with us, however, if she was, and was struggling, I'd give her everything I possibly could, just like she did with me. The sum would depend on the circumstances. That is just my personal opinion, and the daughter doesn't have to give her mum anything of course.

Shinyandnew1 · 19/02/2023 22:55

StereoTie · 19/02/2023 22:08

I will get flamed for this but I thought at least £5000 maybe £10000 as the money won't make much difference to them and they never had it before and were fine when I've told them for ages I'm worried about money

Blimey—you want most, if not all of this money!

How old are you? What is your living/financial/retirement situation?

pinkdelight · 19/02/2023 22:56

I suppose I feel hurt because of I had it I would have given them much more

But it's much more normal for money to from parent to child than the other way around. My parents would never expect any money to flow their way. They'd rather it went to my children.

JennyDarlingRIP · 19/02/2023 22:56

You haven't answered what provision you made for your own retirement? My parents wouldn't take cash from me, I struggle to get them to let me pay for dinner. Both very WC and I know at under 40 I earn more than either of them ever did whilst working. Both worked very hard and made sure their retirement was covered and they live simply. DF told me the other day he doesn't even spend all of his state pension each month.
If there had been an unforeseen circumstance that left them in financial difficulty, that would definitely put a different spin on things than if they'd lived like the grasshopper who sang all summer and expected me to pick up the tab, but you've not answered anyone who has asked you those kinds of questions.

DancingDaughter50 · 19/02/2023 22:56

@jad

@JarOfRocks

If you are able too and that worried about dc can you open up a sipp for them now assuming they are not adults?

Humanwoman · 19/02/2023 22:56

My children are hopefully placed to earn more and all things going well be financially more comfortable than I could ever be.
I think money should be passed down, not up. Also it feels wrong to take money off your children. We are here to support them not the other way around.

qazxc · 19/02/2023 22:56

I wouldn't "expect" my daughter to give me anything. I would be very grateful if she gave me some but realise that her priority is to her household and her children. She might need to save it for a rainy day or the children's education.

Zipps · 19/02/2023 22:57

None. I'd rather pass my money down.
Old people often say they are struggling whilst actually hoarding loads of money.

Ourlittleharmonica · 19/02/2023 22:57

I'd have split the money between our mortgage and a savings account for the DC.

£500 is an incredibly generous gift to receive and I hope you were more thankful to your daughter than you're making yourself appear on here.

changeme4this · 19/02/2023 22:58

I wouldn't expect to receive anything from DD from that ''luck'', and if she lives in a nice house and can afford her mortgage, three cheers for them. I can understand them wanting to pay the mortgage down as quickly as they can too.

However if I was struggling and had no alternatives, I would be delighted if they paid an annual bill or something like that for my birthday or christmas present, instead of ''stuff''. Perhaps that is something to consider when you have a celebration date coming up next ?

DancingDaughter50 · 19/02/2023 22:58

Jenny what tab are you picking up? They don't even let you pay for dinner?

Everyonehasavoice · 19/02/2023 22:58

DD and DH have plenty to live on but a mortgage
If it was me I’d pay part of my mortgage off and give the rest to my mum to make her life more comfortable. Given the sum of £20000 I’d give my mum half. If my dh also had a parent then we d split it between both parents £5000 each. I just asked my dh what he thought, he agreed

Onwayoutsoon · 19/02/2023 22:59

Lululeman · 19/02/2023 22:34

There is no expectation that she should give money but if it was me I would definitely give my mum a chunk of money if she was still around. But my mum was amazing and a lot of my current “good fortune” is down to her and I couldn’t bear to see her struggling.

Same here.

ign0re · 19/02/2023 22:59

This is how they are in a good financial position because when they have money they spend it wisely. They aren’t frittering it away, they are using it to pay off their mortgage at current rate before a steep rise. Very very sensible. This is the best use of the money.

What would you use the money for that would result in a long term help for you? (Above example of what’s they’re doing is a good example…)

blisstwins · 19/02/2023 23:00

I would give 1/2

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