How much £ would you give DM in these circumstances?

[StereoTie]

Have NC this but regular poster. Would appreciate opinions on this situation.

If adult daughter in 40s who was financially comfortable with two DC and a DH who was a high earner had a windfall of £20,000 (not as a result of work or anything related, some good fortune) would you expect that daughter to give her only remaining living parent (70) any of the money?

Background is the daughter and mother are very close, the DM is struggling financially and hasn't worked much since covid and now lives on her pension. The daughter and her husband have a large mortgage but can afford to pay for it plus other luxuries. They have two DC who have everything they need.

No other siblings involved.

We shouldn't generalise on pensioners income as it varies so wildly from person to person.

My DPs are very comfortable but in part this is because they haven't eaten out or gone away since Covid.

It depends so much on what struggling means. Hope OP comes back and gives us more of a breakdown on her finances.

If I or my daughter or son came into money like this we would all benefit from it. No doubt about it. We all benefit from the amount of love we give in different ways helping one another. It's what family does. It is certainly what this family does. Anything that would enhance our lives would be shared - not necessarily equally - but shared all the same

The fact that you have a roof over your head and the basics, always complain about how much your struggle (financial struggle means not affording the basics) and expected £10k from your daughter’s husband is horrifying. Your poor daughter. As you’re covering the basics, what would you even use the 10k for? Holidays? Clothes? Expensive meals out? Why would your daughter fund this? I am genuinely baffled.

Please reassess how you think of her, and try to feel gratitude at the amazing gift of £500 she has given you. If you can’t, you should return it.

My AC are variously financially secure, but if one came into £20K I would have absolutely zilch expectation that any money might come my way. Why would I? What right might I have to it?

If I were in the "heat or eat" scenario I have no doubt that they would wing something my way, but in that situation they would have been finding ways to help anyway, irrespective of the windfall. And I would have made sure I had done all I could to help myself as regards finding out about benefits, contemplating downsizing or other strategies etc.

I honestly think that you are being very unreasonable indeed. You have no right to their money at all. You are reasonably comfortable and ticking along - what do you need it for? Why do you feel you have some right to this?

@Extraordinarytimes
Clever way of rewriting history there !
Where does it say it is the husband's money?

I think there is far more to the story than this. From what I have read it seems to me there is a bad dynamic with the son in law and not just regarding the cash

Definitely not, but you sound desperate so you should tell her that you need it.

If I was fortunate to have a windfall wouldn't share the amount with anyone.

If I chose to give any I'd not disclose total amount

People are way too open on financial matters - if never ends well.

I'm a single parent in rented accommodation, my parents go on cruise after cruise.
Good for them I say, we're not starving we have the basics covered.

I wouldn't give money

I would take DM out for some days or on holiday or some meals out

I would do this too. I wouldn't expect to know the ins and outs of anyone's finances.

Think it depends on whether the daughter wants to gift money or not. Is the mother struggling to buy food/energy?

How could any one give to charity instead of their old mother? Charity begins at home ppl say. But you have a mortgage what if one of you lost your job? Maybe 5k to your mother, 10k to the mortgage and 5k on a holiday and any thing your family needs.

So you thought you'd get £10k to yourself, leaving the members of her household with £2.5k each when they actually won? You're off your head. Be happy for her luck and grateful for the £500. I hope for your own sake you haven't expressed this greed to your daughter.

Sorry I just read your update. You're the mother and they gave you £500, they're putting the rest down on their mortgage. I think that was nice of them, and wise to use the rest to reduce their debt, especially with rates rising. I do think it is a little unfair to expect £5,000/£10,000. Afterall £10,000 is half of it! I feel like you wouldn't have been happy with £500-£4,500 anyway. Whos windfall was it? Your daughter's or sil? That makes a big difference too. Could you take in a lodger, to help yourself financially.

Have you tried having a conversation about financial preparations with parents in a bad situation who just think 'it will all work out'? Dismiss anything you say and don't want to hear about it? Sometimes you just can't help them in that way.

Something about the wording and the way this is written makes me think it's a reverse, OP is actually the daughter and DM is going on at her about wanting more money and that she didn't give her enough. I don't believe anyone would post on here saying that they just expected their child to give them £10k

I agree. I think whatever money was handed over, it wouldn't have been enough. I have a DM who is a pessemist, and looks for the negative in everything. Small example. I don't send her flowers anymore, as there is always some kind of non-issue problem with them. I am very specific in the presents she gets. There is a choice of about two things that won't be moaned about. Fortunately, my DM is pretty well off. I'm getting shades of this from the OP. Could be wrong of course.

OP you have had 50 years to plan for retirement. A solid half century. You have not explained how much you’re struggling and I do have sympathy if you cannot eat or heat your home. What was your retirement plan? Unless you live in a 1 bed flat you can defo downsize.

Taking your post at face value YABU and I think you know it.

That they gave you anything was very kind. That they plan to pay down their mortgage is very prudent, it is exactly what someone at their age and financial circumstances should do with a windfall.

@itwasntmetho · Today 10:14
I'm a single parent in rented accommodation, my parents go on cruise after cruise.
Good for them I say, we're not starving we have the basics covered.

Glad you are not resentful but shame on your parents for not spreading the love just a little

No. And if that's the case with the OP she ought to own up to it and stop whinging.

I am that parent (almost same age as OP) and we have a very good pension pot after working hard for 45 years. I am still working p/t as I enjoy it.

My own parents earned little, but saved and my dear old Dad paid extra NI so my Mum would have her own 'extra' pension along with the state pension (and 50% of his company pension.)

There is no excuse for the OP to be moaning. I'm of her generation and it's been clear for years that the state pension alone was not going to be enough to live on other than at a subsistence level.

Will you be inheriting her assets when she finally goes after spending her final years being grateful for modest treats determined to be adequate by you?

I don’t see why the OP expects a handout, it seems odd to me. On the other hand neither will I be living out my final years in penury sitting on assets to pass on which could be providing me with comfort and enjoyment in my old age, and my children wouldn’t want that either.

OP, if you are struggling to pay bills, a lump sum isn’t going to make much difference. At the most I would have thought she might have treated you to e.g. a nice holiday or something. I think you were being unreasonable to expect more, and especially to blame her husband for it. They are married. They are entitled to make their financial choices together.

Maybe the SIL just has OP’s number