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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How much £ would you give DM in these circumstances?

601 replies

StereoTie · 19/02/2023 21:14

Have NC this but regular poster. Would appreciate opinions on this situation.

If adult daughter in 40s who was financially comfortable with two DC and a DH who was a high earner had a windfall of £20,000 (not as a result of work or anything related, some good fortune) would you expect that daughter to give her only remaining living parent (70) any of the money?

Background is the daughter and mother are very close, the DM is struggling financially and hasn't worked much since covid and now lives on her pension. The daughter and her husband have a large mortgage but can afford to pay for it plus other luxuries. They have two DC who have everything they need.

No other siblings involved.

OP posts:
MenopausalMe · 20/02/2023 09:18

StereoTie · 19/02/2023 22:08

I will get flamed for this but I thought at least £5000 maybe £10000 as the money won't make much difference to them and they never had it before and were fine when I've told them for ages I'm worried about money

Wow I regularly help out my mother financially but that’s a high expectation for someone else’s unexpected windfall and a serious lack of gratitude for what they have given you. If they have a large mortgage even though they are financially well off it would only take one of them to lose their job coupled with an interest rate increase for them to have substantial money problems so them using the sum to pay off the mortgage is very sensible.

AIBUNo · 20/02/2023 09:19

TBH a windfall of £20K isn't much. It could pay off some of the mortgage or be put away for university funds.

I thought you were going to be talking about a lot more.

@StereoTie Even if your daughter gave you the lot, and you live to 90, it would give you £1K a year more. (And with inflation, 1K in 20 years' time would be worth less.)

I suggest you talk to Age Concern or the CAB and make sure you are not missing out on any benefits.

JocelynBurnell · 20/02/2023 09:19

Your daughter and her husband have a large mortgage. They also have two DC.

Yet, you expect them to give you half of their £20,000 windfall?

Wife2b · 20/02/2023 09:19

How ungrateful. Would I of given more to my father? Yes. But you have no idea about their personal finances. You sound grabby and entitled. Can you imagine the responses if this was a 20 something child talking about their parents windfall? We’d be slating and saying can’t be expecting handouts from Mum and Dad.

RealBecca · 20/02/2023 09:20

Honestly? Nothing. I expect the reason the daughter is financially stable is because she is a saver and focused on paying down debt.

Why are you struggling? Were you reliant on a husband earning money? Do you own a house? What are your outgoings compared to your incoming money? Are you struggling to buy a basic economy shop or do you prioritise treats? Do you have a history of depending on others for money, bailing out a sibling or spending money on fun things rather than essentials?

LikeTearsInRain · 20/02/2023 09:20

You sound very entitled to other people’s money lol

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 20/02/2023 09:20

You sound really entitled, and I think you should give your head a wobble. Next time, I suspect that they will just not tell you about it, and knock 20K or whatever off their mortgage. If they have any inkling of your obvious disappointment Hmm I imagine they would never bother again.

creamwitheverything · 20/02/2023 09:21

I think the DM sounds grabby and entitled. DD and DH are under no obligation to give anything. I feel for dd as I can only imagine dms pressure she is putting on dd in a quiet way of course, I can hear the resentment from dm about her dd doing ok in life, I would be proud of dd not expecting her to carry me.

Scirocco · 20/02/2023 09:22

I would give my parents the coat off my back if it's just me and them. But once DCs enter the picture, they have to be the priority. If everyone has a roof, heating and food, then the rest goes wherever is most helpful for the DCs.

If you're struggling financially, have you specifically told your DD what's going on? They might be able to help in other ways.

starfishmummy · 20/02/2023 09:23

Mine wouldn't have accepted any money. A holiday or treats, but not actual cash.

RealBecca · 20/02/2023 09:24

What about his parents? Should they also get 10k? Tbh you sound like the sort of person who always struggles, expects a handout and then expects to be first in the queue for another handout because you are struggling again.

WB205020 · 20/02/2023 09:25

@StereoTie
Honestly? You sound like an entitled, money grabbing, ungrateful (for the £500 already give) nasty piece of work.....but that's just my opinion!
I seriously hope your daughter has the sense to not give you any more money.
Parents should NEVER sponge off their children. Besides, whilst £20k sounds a lot, for most people with a mortgage, certainly in the south of UK, £20k barely puts a dent in things so they should absolutely be prioritising their mortgage over giving it away to a money grabber like you!

ItchyBillco · 20/02/2023 09:27

Yes I have a roof over my head and I have the basics but they have a lot more than I do

I’m really quite surprised by this remark. The sense that because they have more, the OP feels they ought to give to her is quite alien to me. I’d probably want to do nice things for my mum in these circs, assuming I had a good relationship with her, but I don’t think I’d ever feel that I owed her cash lump sums simply because I had more than her.

PegSliderskew · 20/02/2023 09:28

Ripleysgameface · 19/02/2023 22:48

If it was my mum, I'd give her all of it.

Pretty sure my son would offer me all of it. And I wouldn't actually accept a penny even though his offer would be entirely genuine. Each of us values the other above themselves and that is what love is.

Herroyal · 20/02/2023 09:29

As much as she needed/wanted.
DF is now retired and although not struggling my Dsis and I are quietly starting to help out. She paid for a hol for him, I pay for his travel when he comes to see us and tell him it's because he helps us out with babysitting, he needs some repair work on the hse and me and Dsis are chipping in, I talked to her about paying for some of his energy bills.
So we aren't handing him cash - he wouldn't take it but we're helping him stretch his pension by paying for some things.
We aren't wealthy but have good jobs, and although our WC DPs could ever help US much financially they supported us with their time and encouragement through education so we ended up at Uni and then in god jobs.

I wouldn't think twice about helping, because I know our dad would give us the shirt off his back if we needed it.

CaramelMach · 20/02/2023 09:29

feeling hurt !?

That's nuts. Pissed off or disappointed might make more sense

Her actions toward you don't have the match the actions you might make in reverse.

Do you think she'd have accepted the 5k from you if you'd had the windfall?
Bet she wouldn't.

creamwitheverything · 20/02/2023 09:30

.be very careful of how you proceed with your next move OP as you may, just may loose more than any money you expect going forward. I feel for you dd so much here.

Onehappymam · 20/02/2023 09:35

There’s so many factors here, but my gut reaction wouldn’t be to give anything at all. It wouldn’t cross my mind.

GordonShakespearedoesChristmas · 20/02/2023 09:37

I gave up the bill of my life to raise my children, after their father ran off with a wealthy woman. I always worked full time, and gave them whatever I could, but was always poor. I have no pensions other than state when I finally retire.
They all have good careers- I have often supported them as adults too when they were building them.
I know, absolutely know, that they would help me if I were struggling, and they had cash coming out of their ears.
It's a no brainer.

tealandteal · 20/02/2023 09:40

Regardless of who had the windfall, I wouldn’t expect anyone to share it. Apart from between partners/spouses who share money generally anyway. However if I wasn’t going to share it I wouldn’t mention it, seems a bit crass.

Blowsybabs · 20/02/2023 09:41

@StereoTie It sounds as though they're being financially responsible - that's not a massive windfall and with interest rates rising, paying down the mortgage is an eminently sensible thing to do.
You're very fortunate they've given you anything and your ingratitude is quite shocking.

SmudgeButt · 20/02/2023 09:44

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Theelephantinthecastle · 20/02/2023 09:44

ItchyBillco · 20/02/2023 09:27

Yes I have a roof over my head and I have the basics but they have a lot more than I do

I’m really quite surprised by this remark. The sense that because they have more, the OP feels they ought to give to her is quite alien to me. I’d probably want to do nice things for my mum in these circs, assuming I had a good relationship with her, but I don’t think I’d ever feel that I owed her cash lump sums simply because I had more than her.

My mum had a really hard time when we bought a house that was bigger than theirs - we have two children, it's just the two of them so it makes total sense but she just found it so hard.. when we redid our kitchen so it was nicer than hers, same. I think she just always assumed that we would have less than her.

Whichwhatnow · 20/02/2023 09:50

When I got a redundancy payout from work (bit more than 20k) I gave my mum and dad 5k. They're on pension credit and struggle.

My mum cried and my dad tried to refuse. They were ultimately grateful but were too proud to accept immediately. If there had been any expectation from them that I'd give them that I would have felt very uncomfortable/probably pissed off.

You can't expect your daughter to just hand over such a big chunk of cash!

BarbaraofSeville · 20/02/2023 09:52

AIBUNo · 20/02/2023 09:02

I don't know anyone of pension age right now who is struggling. The triple lock and so on means things are more secure for them than anyone.

You do know that the state pension for someone (if they qualify for the entire amount) is less than £9Kpa.

So someone is living on roughly £800 a month if they have no other money coming in. That's £200 a week for everything.

Given some are paying £300 a month for utility bills, it's not hard to see why they struggle.

The issue is that the OP has not thought ahead, or saved, or created her own pension when she worked.

But no-one only has that money coming in, unless they're entitled to pension credit and not bothered to claim it, for which I have no sympathy in most cases. If the OP can post on here, she can do an online benefit check and make an application.

People of pension age also get free TV licences, free bus passes and have received extra cost of living help.

Plus the OP hasn't said whether she has a private pension, which is quite likely as she's been working and could also have a spouse pension, as many women her age do. We only have the OPs word that she's 'struggling' with bills, she hasn't said what that means.

My DM is the same age and is a widow living alone in a house she owns. She's not short of money despite only ever doing low paid part time work as she has the state pension and a very small pension from DF (literally a couple of hundred pounds a month).

She has pets, gets her shopping delivered from Ocado or Sainsburys, is always buying bits for the house. She gives money to me and my two siblings and her DGC quite often, I think because she has more money coming in than she needs. And that's someone who's income is probably below average compared with her peers.