How much £ would you give DM in these circumstances?

[StereoTie]

Have NC this but regular poster. Would appreciate opinions on this situation.

If adult daughter in 40s who was financially comfortable with two DC and a DH who was a high earner had a windfall of £20,000 (not as a result of work or anything related, some good fortune) would you expect that daughter to give her only remaining living parent (70) any of the money?

Background is the daughter and mother are very close, the DM is struggling financially and hasn't worked much since covid and now lives on her pension. The daughter and her husband have a large mortgage but can afford to pay for it plus other luxuries. They have two DC who have everything they need.

No other siblings involved.

Sorry but I think YABVU.
I can’t imagine my parents ever expecting anything off me, £5000-10000 is ridiculous.
It doesn’t matter that you think they don’t need it, it’s their money and they have already given you some. Paying off some of their rising Mortage costs is very sensible for their future given everything is going up at the moment and who knows when that will end.

How are you not financially stable at 70? Forgetting this money, what are you planning on doing long term if you can’t manage as things are.

Honestly, would probably give my mum £5000 if I didn’t need the money and she did… but my mum has helped me out a lot in the past (down payments for a house, lived at home for free during my early twenties etc) so she’d 100% deserve it and more! Might also book a family holiday with the rest of the money to treat everyone (again only if I was very financially comfortable already - would be different if I was struggling)

You are sounding rather entitled OP, it would be much better if you were sounding thankful for the £500. If you are struggling financially you could ask your daughter to help you to check that you’re receiving all the benefits available pension credit etc. that would in turn give her a clear idea of your financial position and to maybe offer more help if needed, but certainly not thousands of pounds in handouts.
At your age I would definite consider either resizing or taking Equity Release, you could then even give them something which would be so much nicer wouldn’t it.
Don’t become a whiny needy mother, your family will give so much more in every way if you’re a pleasure to be with.

*Completly missed the posts where the op is the m. Sorry op but I do think yabu. I wouldn't hold it against your dd, instead I'd keep the lines of communication open.

That’s true, I guess it depends upon the family dynamics. I had the opposite situation (DM had a huge mortgage free house and all the money while we struggled) but may well have felt differently in the circs you describe.

It was obviously all along this was the mother asking about herself.

@StereoTie I am a couple of years younger than you. I am still working out of choice (my own business.)

I am going to be harsh and say you have had all those years since you left school (at 16? 18? after uni?) to make sure you were comfortable in your retirement.

You haven't planned ahead, or worked enough to create a private or corporate pension, or saved.

It would be generous if your daughter gave you something, but if you really are hand to mouth, you need to explore pension credit and other benefits.

Securing your grandchildren's financial future by paying off the mortgage or similar is very sensible.

Interest rates have shot up, as well as bills. Their pension arrangements are expensive- no one can rely on a state pension anymore, and it doesn't kick in until you are nearly 70 anyway.

I don't know anyone of pension age right now who is struggling. The triple lock and so on means things are more secure for them than anyone.

I'm sorry you are struggling, but they have a responsibility to secure their own and their DC's financial future too.

But I still think that, unless OP is seriously on her uppers, paying down the mortgage to get a less painful new rate takes priority.

Really you should have expected nothing and anything over that is a bonus. If they’d won a lottery rollover I’d say yes of course the right thing to do (for me at least) would be to help but it’s not that kind of amount.

Absolutely paying down the mortgage takes priority.

You say you have to manage on your own, and there are two of them- didn't you say they have DC? They have responsibilities for more than themselves.

Why are you focusing the 'blame' on your Sil ? Just accept the decision has come from both of them
As with anything to do with money it's their choice what they do with it
As for the title of your post, well, that speaks volumes about you , how much £? Wow

I don't know anyone of pension age right now who is struggling. The triple lock and so on means things are more secure for them than anyone.

You do know that the state pension for someone (if they qualify for the entire amount) is less than £9Kpa.

So someone is living on roughly £800 a month if they have no other money coming in. That's £200 a week for everything.

Given some are paying £300 a month for utility bills, it's not hard to see why they struggle.

The issue is that the OP has not thought ahead, or saved, or created her own pension when she worked.

But that's the point, isn't it? If you'd had it, you'd have given them more; she's your daughter and you would want to help her. It therefore stands to reason that your daughter, as a mother herself, wants to help her children, and her mother is secondary to that.

I think it's really odd you feel so entitled to it to be honest!

Exactly, some peoples attitudes to their parents on here is shocking.

I don't mean the people that are no contact or been abused etc, but the people that won't help them with anything for no good reason.

YABVU, you expected them to give you half their windfall? When they still have a mortgage to pay off? I mean if you needed something specific like a new roof because yours was leaking or something then I could sort of understand you hoping they would help - but what are you going to use it for? A nice holiday while they work to pay off their mortgage? What about them saving for the children so they can hopefully buy a house themselves one day?

What I would say is make sure you're getting everything you should be as a single pensioner on a low income. Maybe it would be worth talking to someone about that?

I suppose I feel hurt because of I had it I would have given them much more

But you aren't taking responsibility for getting to 70 and not having planned for retirement?

You assumed the state would provide for you?

Thing is op still hasn’t said what she needs 5-10k for.

Is it just because she feels poor or does she have 5-10k worth of debt.

Can she not afford her food and heating or just she just want nicer food and the heating above 18c.

I find a lot of peoples skint or worried about money is just not having enough savings rather than being on their arse broke. Broke on their arse tend to be those who would have been over the moon at £500 because that pays the heating bill or a big food shop and that new pair of shoes their child needed.

If your SIL wasn't a high earner they might not have been able to give you anything!

The time to help the OP was 20 years or more ago, when people start thinking about retirement and saving for it.

If the OP had a low paid job, was unskilled, no company pension or savings, where was the daughter then to suggest her mother thought about her finances?

Handing over £5K or £10K isn’t really going to solve the problem if you are struggling long term. You would burn through it in six months and be back where you started.

I would help my DM by going through her finances, checking she was getting everything she was entitled to and buying her the occasional food shop and take her out for lunch and on holiday sometimes. I wouldn’t just give her £10K and think that would solve her problems.

In my experience, people like OP tend to assume that £30k is a high earner.

I'm so sorry if that insults anyone, just sharing my own experience.

So if her Son in Law is a "high earner" then OP may mean 30k or thereabouts.

My parents and in laws think that £25k is enough to buy a house on and support a family. 😂 it's frustrating

The way I work this with my mum, who is on £12K a year (state pensions and half my late dad's company pension) is to say if she needs anything I will pay for it. (She does however have savings which is simply down to being very very careful all their lives. )

So if she had a huge bill, or was struggling, I'd pay and then recoup it out of my inheritance if I get any.

@StereoTie Maybe your DD could do that for you?

The problem with this is you need to either give a "substantial sum (say £5000) OR treat the person with a "gift they wouldn't have bought themselves"

So if I was allocating £500, I would take my DM on a city break or a few nice meals or somthing of that ilk.

£500 cash is wrong

I don't think any of us is in a position to tell you what we would give as we can only talk about our own circumstances. I do know that some mortgages are increasing by significant sums though and with the dcs growing up paying down their mortgage debt is a sensible option. It also depends on how you spend your money. If I was your dd I wouldn't have told you about the money but given you the amount agreed with dh and you'd have been happy.

10K lol you’re having a laugh