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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How much £ would you give DM in these circumstances?

601 replies

StereoTie · 19/02/2023 21:14

Have NC this but regular poster. Would appreciate opinions on this situation.

If adult daughter in 40s who was financially comfortable with two DC and a DH who was a high earner had a windfall of £20,000 (not as a result of work or anything related, some good fortune) would you expect that daughter to give her only remaining living parent (70) any of the money?

Background is the daughter and mother are very close, the DM is struggling financially and hasn't worked much since covid and now lives on her pension. The daughter and her husband have a large mortgage but can afford to pay for it plus other luxuries. They have two DC who have everything they need.

No other siblings involved.

OP posts:
Bunnycat101 · 20/02/2023 08:14

You are so unreasonable. My parents would never expect or take anything off me and strongly feel like money should pass down the generations and not up.

if they have a massive mortgage, childcare costs etc, a high income could easily be depleted quite quickly so your perception of ‘it would make no difference to them’ is probably completely screwed. I think you are incredibly grabby and ungrateful to be expecting 50%. You’re lucky you got £500.

Iguanainanigloo · 20/02/2023 08:15

We've just had a windfall, slightly more than this, but not hugely. We will be paying for some big family trips and inviting my mother along, as she is by herself, and we like to include her on holidays as otherwise she doesn't really get to go anywhere. The rest will be used to pay off a chunk of our mortgage, and split between the children's bank accounts, and whatever is left, invested to help secure our futures a little. I wouldn't offer my DM a lump sum of cash, as she would point blank refuse any financial help from her children. She works extremely hard, even though well past retirement age, and enjoys the fact after years of financial hardship, and an abusive partner, she is now completely financially independent, although certainly not well off, she "gets by". And any opportunity she has, she puts money aside for the grandchildren, which we'd never expect, and is so extremely kind of her. She likes to invest in their futures, as do we. I think she'd find it slightly insulting if I tried to give her money, and would insist I kept it for the children. Which is why we would rather pay for her to have some lovely experiences with the family, as she was deprived of that for years, and has never got to travel and enjoy herself. You are coming across extremely grabby op. I couldn't imagine ever expecting anything off of my children in the future, I would rather live on the bare minimum then ever take anything from their lives.

AnnoyedFromSlough · 20/02/2023 08:15

I wouldn't expect it. It would be a lovely thing for her to do, but it's a choice, not an obligation.

LookItsMeAgain · 20/02/2023 08:17

ChefsSalad · 19/02/2023 22:35

I'm really generous with hypothetical money as well.

Show quote history

Very good point.

I often play the game where should I win the EuroMillions or the Lottery, how much I'd give to relatives/friends/charities.

But as yet, I haven't won anything more than €30.

BellePeppa · 20/02/2023 08:19

BobbyBleu · 19/02/2023 21:24

Honestly I wouldn't expect the daughter to give anything to her mother, especially as they aren't particularly close.
Maybe the daughter wants to save it, spend it on a holiday, invest it, give some to charity, help a friend out, it's nobody's business but hers.

I'd never expect a family member to give me any of their winnings/inheritance etc even if we were close. It's their money and their choice about how to spend it. Of course I'd be very grateful if they did help me out but you can never just expect it.

They’re very close according to the OP.

Iguanainanigloo · 20/02/2023 08:19

Anyone who has a mortgage right now, knows the future is a bit uncertain, and your dd rightly so, is thinking about that, and using the money to hopefully ensure they don't struggle when the rates increase. We luckily secured a fixed deal before the mortgage rates went up substantially, and have fixed in a good rate for the next few years, but when that ends, we want to be prepared to have to pay off a lump sum, so we don't end up struggling. We both earn reasonably well, and on paper should be "well off" but that isn't the reality for most families right now. We feel like we're getting by, and comfortable for now, but any spare cash gets used to treat the kids, and put towards their futures, not to subsidise other family members, while we then don't have any spare cash, when we work so hard.

EffortlessDesmond · 20/02/2023 08:20

If the DM is alone and still working to supplement her pension at 70, it's likely she has only the basic state pension, which is about £800 per month. If the relationship is close, as the OP says, and it was my mum, damn right I'd share it with her.

WombatsAndGumTrees · 20/02/2023 08:24

Circumstances affect how I feel. My husband is very clear that he won't be giving a great deal of financial support to my parents over their lifestyle choices. He thinks he will work full time and retire late. My parents chose to work part time for quite a few years as empty nesters. He feels they have enjoyed a lifestyle and not prepared for retirement, so the burden of that doesn't fall on us.

AllTheThingsIWantAreHere · 20/02/2023 08:24

Do you smoke or drink? Is there any reason your SIL would think you wouldn't use any money wisely?

LGB87 · 20/02/2023 08:25

I’d want to help you, if you’re truly struggling, but just throwing you 5k/10k may not help at all if you are bad with money.

The daughter’s priority is with her children. It would have to be an extreme situation for the money to not be going to the family/them, whether it be mortgage payment, a holiday or money for future education. I’m sure this is what the husband is thinking too.

I doubt they are as well off as you suggest if they are planning mortgage overpayments and worrying about interest rate rises (Quite rightly). 20k doesn’t go far when you have a home with a large mortgage and children.

WhereIsMumHiding3 · 20/02/2023 08:25

I would have given my mum £2000 as my DM has helped me out over the years

It's quite grabby that you've got your eye on £10,000. At age 70. I don't understand why you're not downsizing.

OPehst you're not taking into account is

Cost of living food and fuel for larger 4 bed house
Uni costs they have to save up for
Mortgages jumping up due to interest rises

Large mortgages are jumping up with interest rate rise, not tens pounds a month but could be extra £500+ a month with the increases over past year continuing

If they're both high earners none of their DCs all bar minimal student maintenance loan for uni, they'll hee or Ted to top up in the region of £16000 per child for a 3 year course just to get up basic level, and most students find it hard to live on basic level alone.
However

Moomoola · 20/02/2023 08:26

Of course I’d share it with her! My mum has spent enough on me over the years. If she wouldn’t accept cash, I’d buy us a holiday or buy her a new sofa/ car whatever she needed. I’d also set up a dd for gas bills and regular nice shopping delivery.

OhmygodDont · 20/02/2023 08:29

Expecting up to half is just so greedy. Getting any of that money is purely a gift. You have no housing costs by the sounds of it yet wanted 5-10k from a family with children and a mortgage because you’re struggling?

How are you worried about money exactly is it debts? Are you like actually like my in laws who worry about money but by that it’s more of a well the bank balance isn’t growing by enough so I’m worried despite house paid off, cars paid off etc.

Unless you’re in a one bed or there is something huge you a missing you could downsize or could get a lodger if you just won’t downsize.

Honestly considering people write these posts to make themselves look as good as possible you haven’t come across great and I wonder if this close relationship is more close to you on a take take take while the daughter is more hmmm and the poor son in law gets the blame for her actually seeing your grabbiness. I mean why would you even be constantly mentioning to your daughter about your money either. Like a child hinting for a new pc game or trainers. Either ask because you need help or don’t.

Holly03 · 20/02/2023 08:29

Reading the post it says mother and daughter are very close. I come from a close family unit and if I had extra cash I would offer some to a family member especially my mother if she was struggling. Let’s not forget this is a woman who given the tables were turned would do the same to help her daughter. Mother may not accept it but I think the offer is kind enough. I have been in a similar situation and had a sibling help me out but it’s personal choice

WhereIsMumHiding3 · 20/02/2023 08:30

Also DCs will need money put aside for savings to help their deposit for housing
Possibly driving lessons
School trips (so expensive)

That's why is gift £2k but definitely not £10k!!

SoTiredNeedHoliday · 20/02/2023 08:30

Gosh there are some mighty hard people on here. To give your mother nothing when she's really struggling 🤐 I can only assume you didn't have a lot of love or kindness shown when growing up.

I don't think there is any amount that 'should' be given but I know that my family would always help out someone else in the family who needs it. I'd like to think that would happen in most families but clearly not from reading some responses on this thread.

Something that might help make your mothers life a lot better could be as tiny and simple as putting £100 a month in her bank account. Or paying her home insurance or car insurance. Just taking a burden away relieves pressure and can change a life .... its nothing really out of an unexpected £20,000 windfall.

However there is no written rule on these things, its what you think morally and how you see your mother and what you want for her

Lodgeornot · 20/02/2023 08:30

As others have said, without being clear about what struggling means to OP and why she is in this position, I cannot fathom the full extent of your CFery. Expecting as much as you did was VU though.

JPG21 · 20/02/2023 08:31

If she still needed to work to make ends meet in her 70s and I didn't need it I'd blow 5k on a holiday for us all (including mum) and give her the rest Tbh 🤷 x

tirednewmumm · 20/02/2023 08:31

I'm in a very similar positon and wouldn't give cash as part of the reason for
dM stress is poor financial decision making!
So I'd do nice things to relieve stress and do treats, offer a nice weekend away. A big hamper of lovely food, a gift for the house etc
Depends on relationship dynamics of course but my Mum would love that

rookiemere · 20/02/2023 08:35

Thing is struggling is a relative term.

DD and DH May seem comfortable but have rubbish pensions that only pay out at state pension age. They've also still got a mortgage. We got a couple of lump sums of inheritance over last few years and they both went straight into the mortgage.

We'd need a much better breakdown of OPs circumstances before committing to say it's fair or not.

RosesAndHellebores · 20/02/2023 08:39

Hmm. I don't think I'd give money per se but I'd pick up the odd bill/pay for bits of shopping, tea/coffee/lunch when out and about.

SoTiredNeedHoliday · 20/02/2023 08:40

OP as the DM you can't 'expect' anything.

What you can do though is make sure you are not spending excess money on your daughter or grandkids - if you are struggling they will understand. You can always ask your daughter to buy the kids birthday presents for you etc, she will understand that you can't afford it.

However what you can't do it expect money.

I think perhaps you need to be more honest with your daughter regarding your finances and I am sure that will help both of you.

My advice is don't let this make things bitter ---- It sounds like it could easily go that way if you are 'expecting' and not receiving and also actually blaming the DH.

Its a slippery slope with no return usually.

HolyZarquonsSingingSeals · 20/02/2023 08:44

I wouldn't give her a damn thing because I know she would spend it on crap.

ChChChChangeName · 20/02/2023 08:47

Unless someone is in truly dire straits or there's a lottery win or similar, then money flows one way. Your daughter may seem well off but she need sto be thinking about pensions, uni costs etc.

Why can't you downsize or release equity?

Sceptre86 · 20/02/2023 08:50

Would I give her any of the £20k, no. What I would do is look at what she is struggling with so if it's food adopting I would buy it for her and have it delivered to her home. If it's the utility bills and you are in a position to pay them I would do so. If it was rent or a mortgage and again you are in a position where you could pay for that without it impacting your husband or children then I would pay. She sounds like she would be better off with some long term support rather than a one off sum.