Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How much £ would you give DM in these circumstances?

601 replies

StereoTie · 19/02/2023 21:14

Have NC this but regular poster. Would appreciate opinions on this situation.

If adult daughter in 40s who was financially comfortable with two DC and a DH who was a high earner had a windfall of £20,000 (not as a result of work or anything related, some good fortune) would you expect that daughter to give her only remaining living parent (70) any of the money?

Background is the daughter and mother are very close, the DM is struggling financially and hasn't worked much since covid and now lives on her pension. The daughter and her husband have a large mortgage but can afford to pay for it plus other luxuries. They have two DC who have everything they need.

No other siblings involved.

OP posts:
whatkatydid2013 · 20/02/2023 07:25

Cost of living is having an impact for most people. Our utilities have been fixed but are going to almost treble in April so we will be paying £200/month more there, shopping costs/childcare are up already by around £150/month. If it were not for a fixed rate mortgage that has another 3.5 years to run that would be going up £350/month now too. An extra £700/month rise over past 18 months or so is a lot. We’ve had decent payrises and they’ve maybe covered half that. If our mortgage was due for renewal and I had a spare £20k I’d pay it off that and help my parents out a bit week to week with shopping or help a bit with utility bills if needed.

DrMarciaFieldstone · 20/02/2023 07:26

Half!!!??

This can’t be real. No one is this entitled

andweallsingalong · 20/02/2023 07:28

None, because

  1. DM would not accept it in any circumstances. She would want me to pay down my mortgage so I wasn't giving away £££££'s in additional interest due to interest rate rises.
  1. She is far from wealthy, but has created a modest life that makes her very happy.
  1. She would never assume that saying we were comfortable meant she deserved our windfall and would rather it be invested for the kids future.

In your shoes OP I'd be posting more details here for support on how you can cut your own cloth.

Alexandernevermind · 20/02/2023 07:29

I think its awful to expect your dd to give you half of her windfall. In my family you give down the generations, not up. If your dd doesn't need the money then she puts it into savings for her children.

ShippingNews · 20/02/2023 07:30

Why can't you downsize, OP ? You wrote this suggestion off, but never explained.

Pompom2367 · 20/02/2023 07:30

That is not there responsibility to help you they are doing the right thing focusing on there mortgage debt

Nausrous · 20/02/2023 07:32

Shit I just read the updates. @StereoTie you expected half?

You should be proud of your DD doing well but you sound jealous and entitled. Which is your problem, not hers.

You win the mumsnet cheeky fucker championship 👏

Somethingneedstochange78 · 20/02/2023 07:34

Because she's 70 and only on a pension. Which I'm sure is the case for most pensioners ATM.

Socrateswasrightaboutvoting · 20/02/2023 07:36

@StereoTie

It's hard to make a judgement, with out knowing what you current financial situation is and why you are unable to downsize. Why are you struggling financially? Do you live alone? Or are you in a relationship.with DD's father?

berksandbeyond · 20/02/2023 07:41

That is incredibly brass necked. You should support yourself, how are you not embarrassed?!

Bayleaf25 · 20/02/2023 07:43

No I wouldn’t expect anything (I’d actually refuse it from my children unless I was actually in a position of being made homeless).

when you say dgc have everything they need , do they have deposits for their own mortgages later in life? It’s so difficult for young people to get on the housing market I’d rather some money invested for that.

Did you say why you couldn’t potentially downsize? I think expecting £5 or £10k is unreasonable when they still have a mortgage to pay and kids to bring up (uni costs etc).

cosmiccosmos · 20/02/2023 07:45

The first thing to check here is that you are receiving any pension credit/support available? If you're not sure then check on line.

I think it depends on 'struggling'? My parents don't know my financial situation and if I did get a windfall and decide to give them some then it would be done under the guise of paying a bill, taking them out etc. I would hope that my parents wouldn't expect it, that's grabby imo.

Theelephantinthecastle · 20/02/2023 07:47

My thoughts:

"Can't downsize" or don't want to?

What does "struggling" mean - can't afford food or have to go to Lidl not Waitrose?

We are financially comfortable right now but our mortgage is big and if we had to remortgage right now, it would make things very tight for us, I think you underestimate that

ivykaty44 · 20/02/2023 07:48

I wonder what is in your will?

Have you left money to your dd or bypassed her and left money to your granddc?

you say you can't downsize, but your mortgage is finished, can I ask why that is? are you in a one bed flat? sheltered accommodation etc?

IncompleteSenten · 20/02/2023 07:53

As a parent I would not expect anything.

As a daughter, I would want to give money if my mother needed it

IncompleteSenten · 20/02/2023 07:54

What is preventing you from downsizing?

curiousierandcouriser · 20/02/2023 07:54

It might help for asking for specific help instead of money. Help paying towards a new boiler or insulated windows to help lower the heating bill rather than a general amount - I'm a bit shocked that you would accept half of your child's windfall tbh. Would a large cash gift affect the benefits your claiming?

I agree with a lot of other posters in that I wouldn't want to see my mom struggling and would help if needed. But she really wouldn't know my detailed finances and my first responsibility is to my children - that they are provided for now and in the future.

Cigarettesaftersex1 · 20/02/2023 07:58

There's a few questions you haven't answered

Why can't you downsize?
What would you do if there was no windfall?
What is the money actually for?

Bargoed · 20/02/2023 08:00

I would pay a few strategic bills but if my dm was struggling I would be doing this anyway.

Moveoverdarlin · 20/02/2023 08:01

If you’re on you’re own, and they’re a family of 4 with a good lifestyle, their out goings will be huge. That twenty grand could go a long way to pay off a chunk of mortgage or school fees. I would give you £0, but I would just do lovely things with the mother, meals out, included in holidays, mini breaks. I would never ever expect or want my children to help me out financially, especially if in this instance it’s the son in law who is the high earner.

LookItsMeAgain · 20/02/2023 08:08

StereoTie · 19/02/2023 22:08

I will get flamed for this but I thought at least £5000 maybe £10000 as the money won't make much difference to them and they never had it before and were fine when I've told them for ages I'm worried about money

You are having a laugh, right????? Talk about being grabby!

I'm sorry that you might be in financial difficulties, but I genuinely wouldn't expect anything and if I was given anything it would be a bonus. The fact that she gave you £500 means that you're £500 better off than you would have been without it.

If I won £20000, and I have kids and a mortgage and bills of my own, I'd put 50% away for the kids and then use the rest to cover bills.

I think it is making good financial sense to be paying down some of the mortgage, considering that interest rates have increased significantly since they probably took out the mortgage so if they are looking to go on a fixed-rate mortgage, their interest rate this time will be considerably more, meaning that even if they are able to meet their repayments, less will be going towards the capital and more will be going to the interest charges, meaning it will take them longer to clear.

Your daughter has her own family now and this is where her attentions must be. I really hope you do get flamed for such an outrageous suggestion that your daughter would give you 50% of her winnings. I seriously hope she becomes aware of your grabby nature on the off chance she might win the Euromillions or National Lottery jackpot.

TiaraBoo · 20/02/2023 08:10

If it was me and my DM, she wouldn’t expect anything but if she needed money, I’d give her some every month.

You are glossing over their exact financial situation saying they are comfortable and DC have everything they need. Is your daughter working?
-If she isn’t, then that could be money she needs to put into a pension.

  • I would want to save some for DC for university fees.
  • my mortgage has tripled, so I would use as much as much as I could to pay off the mortgage, possibly prioritise all of the money for this as it could get me onto a lower interest rate. Plus mortgage fees can be £2k
  • also, have you been really clear on how you are ‘struggling financially’? Can you cope but it’s a bit difficult? Have you no money for heating or food?
-it does sound grabby to want 50% of their windfall because you are struggling and you describe them as comfortable but with no factual information. -if they were that comfortable and secure with money, which doesn’t sound like your daughter is, as sounds like she has to rely on her DH, can she give you money every month or does she not have her own money?
LookItsMeAgain · 20/02/2023 08:11

StereoTie · 19/02/2023 21:52

She gave me £500. Her DH doesn't have a relationship with his parents so isnt giving them any.

In relation to this post - did your daughter come into the money or did your Son-in-Law? If he did, then you are very lucky to get anything at all.

WaddleAway · 20/02/2023 08:12

To be honest if our windfall was £20k it would go straight into savings, it wouldn’t even occur to me to give any to my mum (who also struggles a bit financially). We have 3 children and a large mortgage, so it would just go into our ‘rainy day’ fund. I may use a bit to take my mum on a weekend away or something. If it was a larger windfall (£50k for example) I would offer some but I know she wouldn’t take it. She’d tell us to keep it for our own children.

Spanielsarepainless · 20/02/2023 08:14

If it is the daughter's windfall I would give my mother £5000 in the circumstances you desribe.

Swipe left for the next trending thread