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AIBU?

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Original poster

How much £ would you give DM in these circumstances?

601 replies

StereoTie · 19/02/2023 21:14

Have NC this but regular poster. Would appreciate opinions on this situation.

If adult daughter in 40s who was financially comfortable with two DC and a DH who was a high earner had a windfall of £20,000 (not as a result of work or anything related, some good fortune) would you expect that daughter to give her only remaining living parent (70) any of the money?

Background is the daughter and mother are very close, the DM is struggling financially and hasn't worked much since covid and now lives on her pension. The daughter and her husband have a large mortgage but can afford to pay for it plus other luxuries. They have two DC who have everything they need.

No other siblings involved.

OP posts:
Bansheed · 20/02/2023 06:24

My brother and I both give my mum £300 each, every month. Yes, she has a pension but life is expensive and we don't want her just surviving, we want her to be comfortable. Obviously, we can also afford to do so and remain comfortable ourselves. It is normal to help family.

In regards to OP, unfortunately your DD doesn't quite understand your predicament or has no real sway in her family finances. This, as it is, means you have to find someway to improve your situation. What are your skills?

kateandme · 20/02/2023 06:28

does the dd know. if this is a case of the mum has asked for help or her dd can see she is struggling and has actively answered no i wont give you anythingthen i think that deff UR. and horrible.
does she deff no. has it been discussed?has the mum voiced that she needs help?
are they working together to help mum?
is anyone talking about how to help mum with her struggles.

C4ou56 · 20/02/2023 06:29

@StereoTie You haven’t mentioned how you have ended up in your situation and what you have been doing to resolve your issues. That information is key.

I am about to come into some inheritance and my mother would like me to give some of it to her. She views my family as high earners who are able to afford luxuries whilst she’s on minimum wage and deserves the help.

Weve sacrificed a lot to get here, including studying around work commitments and working long hours. She hasn’t taken on further study or pushed herself to be awarded promotions, instead she’s spent her evenings sat on her bum and watching tv. I’m unwilling to work hard so I can make up the financial hardship my mother has for being lazy.

whitesnowflake · 20/02/2023 06:29

I find it hard to believe that you feel entitled to any of that money let alone half of it! As a DM I would not feel entitled to a penny of that money nor would I take it. It's your DD's money and I'd be delighted for her and your DGC that they had this unexpected windfall. I'd absolutely be encouraging them to pay off their mortgage, or use it to save for DGC's education/future, etc.

maryofthevirginkind · 20/02/2023 06:32

You've had all your life to plan for your retirement and are entitled if you think they should give you anything!

CherryHouse · 20/02/2023 06:36

Honestly, I wouldn’t give DM anything. It would go straight off our mortgage with maybe a few thousand saved for fun days out.

If you’re struggling OP, get a job!!

I’m particularly bitter about this as my (perfectly healthy, but with hardly any pension) MIL resigned the minute she hit 60, as “that’s when everyone retires”. We end up paying for her on countless occasions!! It drives me potty. She’s done nothing for over a decade, yet expects to crash our holidays etc for free!!

My own parents (same age as MIL) still run the business they established 40 odd years ago. They won’t need anyone to subsidise them and I expect DH and I to do the same.

HoodieBell · 20/02/2023 06:37

None unless my mother have given me half a windfall in the past or the deposit for my house. How many of them are there? What gives you the right to half the windfall to yourself but they have to share? None of it is yours!

WonderingWanda · 20/02/2023 06:39

I would help my dm if she were struggling but with regular payments towards something such as her energy bill or paying for her food shop. I wouldn't gift a lump sum like that. I think younger people can seem like they have it all because they often have more material wealth than older generations had but you need to remember that a lot of it is on credit. They are being very sensible to be paying of a lump sum of their mortgage. I'm in my 40's and am nearly done with my mortgage. I planned it this was so that I am ready to help my kids out with University costs, then first houses etc. By which time I will be closer to retiring and hopefully will still be in a financially stable position then. If they still have an enormous mortgage they aren't doing as well as you think.

Lostacorn · 20/02/2023 06:40

You maybe struggling but that does not entitle you to expect any money, especially thousands of pounds. I think £500 pound is a nice bonus to have. I can't believe you are not grateful.

hopeishere · 20/02/2023 06:47

Half! That's... a lot!!

£1000 would have been nice.

Alondra · 20/02/2023 06:51

Renewing a large mortgage when interest rates have escalated so much, means paying thousands more in yearly repayments just to keep up.

What you consider "well off" may not be reality. Your DD's daughter first commitment is to her family and children. Are her children attending private schools? Are they enrolled in extra curriculum activities costing important money every year?

Personally, I would help my mother with any money at my disposal if she was struggling. But my first commitment would always be to my family and kids.

heyyouitsme · 20/02/2023 06:54

I wouldn’t expect any of my children to give me money when they are able to.

rexythedinosaur · 20/02/2023 06:58

StereoTie · 19/02/2023 22:17

son in law because he has a bad relationship with his parents I think doesn't think children should give anything to parents he thinks the relationship should be one sided and just parents giving to children - that's my impression based on what he's said about a couple of things.

I think my daughter would probably want to give me more money but he makes it hard for her. Yes I have a roof over my head and I have the basics but they have a lot more than I do and I don't have a partner helping me

He's her husband so they are a team. It's not 'him against her'. they make decisions jointly and you need to accept that.

THEY have chosen to give you £500, which is really nice of them, you should be happy with that.

If I were in their position I would not have told you how much I'd won, I think that was very badly handled on their part.

Pricklyheath · 20/02/2023 06:59

Well I can see both sides to this.
State pension was introduced as prior the elderly usually had to live with their dc when they could no longer work or if no dc they went to the workhouse.
Unfortunately state pension alone isn’t enough for most people to live on now.

Unless your dh left you late in life and you hadn’t got your own private pension then you are of the generation that has had ample opportunity to build up a decent pension.
You're also young enough to work, my dm after officially retiring did night shifts in the sorting office and then when it got too much worked in a shop.
In your shoes I would get a job and scrimp and save because you could have another 20 years and your dd is not going to help.
And investigate pension credits and any other help you maybe entitled to.

However I couldn’t see my dm struggle if I had enough to help but I wouldn’t hand her £5k unless it was for a new boiler or something. What do you want £10 k for?
In the past I’ve bought things like a dishwasher or blind. So £500 seems fair to me.

PatientlyWaiting21 · 20/02/2023 07:02

I’d prob give £5k max, the rest would be into savings for my own children if I didn’t need the money right now.

PatientlyWaiting21 · 20/02/2023 07:05

StereoTie · 19/02/2023 22:20

I don't know the new rate on their mortgage my daughter just told me it was going up and they wanted to pay off as much as they could on the lower rate. So I know it's going up but not by how much.

My partner and I between us have salaries of £90k. Due to interest rates our mortgage is going up by almost £1,000 a month. We are going to struggle. Stop thinking they can afford it. Go get a job.

Whydidimarryhim · 20/02/2023 07:06

A side issue but is your mother entitled to any pension credit - there is a help line or you could check entitledto a benefit checker.
If your comfortable - why not give her some money.

keeprunning55 · 20/02/2023 07:07

Does the mother have a mortgage? I don’t know that I would give any. It really depends on how much the daughter her dh earn and their expenses.

Jimboscott0115 · 20/02/2023 07:07

I think it would help out in some way but that's not really the issue here OP, the issue is that you expected to receive somewhere north of 5k which I think is unacceptable - you should never expect to receive anything.

I find it hard to argue with your DD here because it's her money to do as she chooses and you don't really know what impact the remortgage is going to have on their finances and her responsibility is to her own family. While I would help out, if I found out my mum expected to receive more, I'd be pretty pissed off and see her as grabby.

BrokenBonesStixStones · 20/02/2023 07:13

If it was me I’d have given at least half to DM (if that was enough to make her comfortable) and remainder put away for DC

rookiemere · 20/02/2023 07:22

It really depends what you mean by struggling and what has caused it.

If it's a case where you have worked at part time jobs to fit around DCs and don't have much pension as a result, then my reaction would be different from if you had been reasonably off but have frittered money away.

If it's a case that you can't pay your electricity bill then I have a lot of sympathy. Having said that though, £500 is still a generous gift.

Takingthepiss · 20/02/2023 07:22

@StereoTie i have some thoughts on this but also so many questions

So what does “I can’t downsize” mean?

you live in a pokey one bed flat? Or you live in a huge house and don’t wish to? You are secret hoarders d you house is filled with kwik save bags from 1983? Or because any equity in your current home would be swallowed by the extortionate cost of a smaller home in your area?

and you don’t have a mortgage? Because you rent? Privately? Local authority? Or because you’ve paid off the mortgage?

Finally…. What do YOU do for them? Are you an actively involved grandmother to their children? If not… why not?

TheMamaYo · 20/02/2023 07:22

I love my mother dearly, but find it hard that she is always expecting me to help financially. It makes me sad.

It feels to me as if you are making your bad financial planning their problem, and it really isn’t. Neither is the fact that you are on your own.

Instead of leaning so heavily on them, why don’t you take better control of your situation, and get out of the mindset that they need to rescue you? Then £500 will be meaningful, and nice to receive, rather than not good enough.

Nausrous · 20/02/2023 07:25

I'd probably pay for DM to have a cleaner and pay for her garden to be sorted out and made into a lovely space (and easy to care for) and then a gardener too.

If I gave my DM money it would get wasted on tat from China (hoarding issue)

Dippyeggz · 20/02/2023 07:25

So many posts on here where people vehemently defend well off parents/grandparents not being obligated to give their struggling children any money to help with larger bills, mortgages, etc. So surely it's the same vice versa?

(Actually, I think if you're part of a loving family unit, the better off should help those who struggle, especially if they benefitted financially from things outside their control/hard work... but this tends not to be the general view)