How much £ would you give DM in these circumstances?

[StereoTie]

Have NC this but regular poster. Would appreciate opinions on this situation.

If adult daughter in 40s who was financially comfortable with two DC and a DH who was a high earner had a windfall of £20,000 (not as a result of work or anything related, some good fortune) would you expect that daughter to give her only remaining living parent (70) any of the money?

Background is the daughter and mother are very close, the DM is struggling financially and hasn't worked much since covid and now lives on her pension. The daughter and her husband have a large mortgage but can afford to pay for it plus other luxuries. They have two DC who have everything they need.

No other siblings involved.

@StereoTie I’m sorry to hear that you’re struggling. I was confused by why some posters were responding the way they are. So essentially the 20k is not yours but your daughter and son-in-law. I’ve read all your posts and I don’t think you mentioned if your daughter works?

It’s tricky because if I were in your daughter’s shoes, I would have given my mother a quarter of the 20k. But if your daughter isn’t working, I don’t see how she can give you more as it has to be a joint decision. £500 is still a lot and can go a long way.

I’d look at either downsizing or if possible living a minimalistic lifestyle and getting rid and selling things that are completely not necessary. I’d also suggest going through your expenditures and see where you could cut costs as well. And I’m not sure how practical it is, but if you are able to rent out a room, that could also be a possibility as well?

I'd never see someone I love struggle financially. If I didn't need the money, why hang on to it? To me that's just selfish. I'd likely give her £5000.

If I were 'getting by' I wouldn't expect or want my DC's money.

OP, you still haven't explained why you can't downsize if you are struggling to pay bills.

I think you are coming across as very entitled.

I'm similar to the Mum, and I wouldn't expect a donation from my dd. I'd imagine that she'd put it aside for her children, or have a big holiday. I'd be mortified if she offered some to me.

I am in a similar position to you, living on a small pension and my late dh’s even smaller spousal pension. I also have a car through the mobility scheme. When my own dm died, I actually gave my dc’s my inheritance, to help them get on the property ladder.

My sil received a large amount of money and offered me the amount I had helped them with back. I said a most definite NO! They have 2 DCs, any excess cash they have should be invested for their future.

The money you want is theirs, you are in no way entitled to any of it! To be honest, I actually find it repugnant, that you think you should get up to half of the money your DD has come into! I think that the £500, your DD has given you, is more than generous.

I wouldn’t expect the daughter to give the mum anything and I don’t think the mum should expect anything either.

Even if mum and daughter are close the money belongs to the daughter, her husband and DC.

I would maybe treat the mum as your daughter has done to a similar amount but no more than 2K and then it is up to the mum what she does with it or pay for a holiday, nice meal out etc but the mum certainly shouldn’t be expecting anything at all. Regardless how it appears to the mum they may want to put the money aside for University Fees, invest it in a pension, home improvements, moving or similar. But it would also depend on how the money came about in the first point and the mums background and life choices now and in the past etc etc. Does the mother normally live beyond her means, is bad at budgeting, has a history or gambling or alcoholism etc etc.

@StereoTie wow can’t believe you are so entitled and grabby. Your life choices and problems are not your daughters responsibility

Grabby? No wonder western civilisation is where it is now. No care beyond yourself!

I would do anything for my mother. She gave birth to me, raised me and loved me. Her care is beyond words.

Sorry you don’t have those same depth of feelings.

DD shouldn’t have to give DM anything ! If she wanted to make a gesture then £500 would be a generous gift but certainly she shouldn’t feel obliged

Why can’t you downsize? Is it because you’re already renting a tiny place or you own outright a large house and could not bear the thought of leaving it?

Do you usually expect your daughter to fund your lifestyle choices, meals out, holidays, small/large purchases etc? Or to give you money at times? You are definitely giving off these vibes, what is hers is mine if I want it, etc.

How do you “know” your DGC will never want financially for anything ever again? It can’t be because your daughter is completely loaded since you’ve already said she has a mortgage.

You sound very very very entitled and self centred. Given what you’ve said and what you haven’t said, £500 seems generous enough, the money is not yours at all, and you seem very keen to make sure you’re looked after at the expense of your daughter and DGC’s lives.

TBH I wouldn’t expect any of it and offered I would turn it down. I would be really happy that my Dd is a bit more financially secure. I think it’s different if for example a parent is on a list for a hip operation and its going to be 2 years and they can’t afford to go private but they are in pain. But for general bills probably not.

My own context and how my parents behaved with money probably affect that feeling. What do you mean by high earner? For some people thats like 40k for others its 200k. I mean if they have just come into something like a 1/3 of their annual income then thats a lot.

I’m sorry you are struggling OP

Absolutely I would. I would have given whatever would make her comfortable and relieve and struggle. Even without the windfall I'd be helping.

£500 sounds about right. Presumably the DH gave his parents £500 too. As a parent I’d probably be more likely to give money to my kids so they could do something nice with it - holiday, put it towards a car, or similar. Once you’ve given everyone a portion there’s not a lot left of £20k especially if you want to try to pay off a mortgage.

I think I would either ..

1. keep the money windfall to myself but always be generous to my Mum and shout her things if it is necessary. You don't want to affect her pension.
2. gift her an amount that won't upset her pension but large enough for a significant item like a fridge or solar panels or something that really helps her out and improves her ability to survive with dignity.

As the DM I would have refused money offered by my SIL. I would probably have accepted the payment of a fuel bill or a car repair.

£500 is generous.

I would give £2k in those circumstances but think £5-10k would be too much. I am sorry things are so difficult for you financially. Have you checked websites like Entitled to to check you are getting all the benefits you are entitled to?

I'm sure my parents look at me and my family and see us as being quite well off. But in actual fact we are struggling , I'd never say so to them, but our mortgage deal has ended, we are having to extend the term, because the hike is huge. We are looking to downsize, plus any spare cash (not that there is any at the moment) is being saved for the DC.

I think you've got a huge cheek expecting up to half.
The thing is you don't actually know the details of their finances , nobody does except them.
Paying £20k off their mortgage could make a difference to the rate they get if it brings their LTV down.

No. Not expect any money. Why DM struggling. Tbh DD has own financial outgoing and if married it joint money. Are you DM or dd.

Depends if mothers financial situation is due to her own lack of financial control now and in previous years when she was able to make pension contributions.
I would think that offering to pay a bill might be a good option since the money targets where it is needed rather than getting spent on frivolous luxuries.

I think you only know as much about their financial situation as they tell you - you don't know if there's way more to it. People can appear well off with huge struggles in the background. Especially if the mortgage rate is going to be going up, it could be £££ more a month.

I also do think that her DH should be involved in the decision on what to do with the money, it's family money. My DH is the high earner, if I suddenly came into 20k he'd definitely have a say in what happens with it - as I also have a say when he gets a bonus!

I think expecting 10k is a lot, especially as there's no indication this was an expected windfall so you'd have been planning to manage with what you had as it is.

Why are you unable to downsize? Is that a genuine can't, or more of a won't?

I think it's difficult to answer this without more details.

I would hate to see my mum struggle and would definitely help her if she was unable to pay bills.

However, you didn't clarify your situation.

• are you struggling to pay bills?
• if so, can you downsize? Move to a cheaper area?
• do you know your DD & SIL financial situation or does it look like they are well off just on the outside?
• what would you use the extra money on? Is it for essentials you can't afford or some extra luxuries?

You mentioned you expected 5-10K, that's quite a large sum, so I am assuming you are really struggling with bills and debts?

It wouldn't occur to me to give any money to my parents or in laws while we have a massive mortgage. Both were mortgage free about 10 years earlier than we are projected to be.

Sorry I don’t think you should be expecting anything. You don’t know what they plan to do for you in the future. You are putting a monetary value on your relationship with your daughter ie you are close so you expect her to give you more money. Besides it’s not even her money it’s their money.