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Original poster

How much £ would you give DM in these circumstances?

601 replies

StereoTie · 19/02/2023 21:14

Have NC this but regular poster. Would appreciate opinions on this situation.

If adult daughter in 40s who was financially comfortable with two DC and a DH who was a high earner had a windfall of £20,000 (not as a result of work or anything related, some good fortune) would you expect that daughter to give her only remaining living parent (70) any of the money?

Background is the daughter and mother are very close, the DM is struggling financially and hasn't worked much since covid and now lives on her pension. The daughter and her husband have a large mortgage but can afford to pay for it plus other luxuries. They have two DC who have everything they need.

No other siblings involved.

OP posts:
LotteLomax · 20/02/2023 01:43

SueG60 · 20/02/2023 00:36

Money should flow down the family tree, not up. I'd be embarrassed asking kids for money, they've had a 50 year working career to build something and only have themselves to blame if not well off by then.

No wonder the attitudes here towards one’s parents are so appalling. What kind of children are you raising? Ones that have no filial piety or gentleness of spirit obviously. Me, myself and I.

Dreadful.

SueG60 · 20/02/2023 01:43

Eyerollcentral · 20/02/2023 01:19

How do you think you can ‘leach off the state’? What money do you think people are entitled to? Are you are aware of how little money you have to have coming in before you are entitled to any state assistance in retirement? I suspect not.
‘I don't buy into all of this nonsense around there having been no opportunity for women to do well.’ I haven’t said that have I? But take for instance a woman of my mother’s vintage now in her late 70s. She had to resign from the civil service because she got married. She has always worked in low paid jobs thereafter but had to work around children. She worked until she was 72 in a full time job. She has the benefit of her own occupational pension, the remainder of my father’s and her state pension and as a result of her income being slightly over the allowance limit is subject to tax. She is pretty fortunate as she owns her own home. It is a nonsense to say that ‘you don’t buy’ that women of that age were disadvantaged in the workplace as there are thousands of sources which demonstrate in figures that it is the case.
No one is ‘forced’ to take out a mortgage huge or otherwise.
Again the OP hasn’t asked for money. Her daughter came in to a significant amount of money and offered her a derisory gift.

Show quote history

State pension is £10,500 a year from April then there's carers and attendance allowance, winter fuel payment, other help with energy bills (temporary), free dentist/prescription/opticians/bus pass/TV licence. It all adds up. I think you're underestimating the value of all of these things and how much workers spend on them which older people don't have to.

I'm not saying there wasn't more discrimination in the workplace, there undoubtedly was. My point is to be eligible for all of the above you don't need to have had a well paid job, just a basic one would be fine.

My mother owns her own home, was bought when the council sold off council housing to tenants. Its a very modest lifestyle but its easy for her to afford to live. I go back to my point around housing being the problem cost, the reason everything is affordable is because her housing costs are zero.

With house prices close to £300k you are forced to take out a huge mortgage if you want to get on the property ladder, how else would a younger person do it. It was much easier a generation ago.

SueG60 · 20/02/2023 01:45

LotteLomax · 20/02/2023 01:43

No wonder the attitudes here towards one’s parents are so appalling. What kind of children are you raising? Ones that have no filial piety or gentleness of spirit obviously. Me, myself and I.

Dreadful.

Show quote history

Nope. I just think its embarrassing leaching off your kids, I'd never do that.

And as I've just explained at length, its easy to afford your food and bills on basic state pension, so there's no need is there unless you've got some sort of debt or gambling problem wasting your money away.

Teaandtoast3 · 20/02/2023 01:45

Not everyone gets carers and attendance allowance. My parent certainly doesn’t… you are however right about it making a difference if they own their own home. That would make a difference… but still a miserable existence potentially for a single pensioner.

yoyo1234 · 20/02/2023 01:47

I wouldn't expect DD to give her DM anything. Sounds like they may not be as comfortable as you think if it has been earmarked for mortgage repayment (raising interest rates may be causing worry to them). It's not going into bank accounts for their children (to help DGC with increased housing costs/prices or uni costs etc), it's not earmarked for holidays etc.

SueG60 · 20/02/2023 01:48

Eyerollcentral · 20/02/2023 01:25

15k is a very low income to live on, especially as an older person. Heat particularly is very expensive. Good nutrition is increasingly expensive. Sad that your mother is only permitted ‘modest’ treats every now and then after presumably a life time of contributing to society.
As I understand it you have to be in receipt of the state pension only to receive any other help from the government as a pensioner and if you have any savings above 6k that help is tapered or non existent. That’s a very precarious life in one’s dotage when you have likely no other means of earning money.

Show quote history

£15k is about £1200 a month after tax. Household fuel bills are capped at £2,500 for average usage which is the case for an elderly person in a modest property, so thats £200 a month. Food is maximum £250 a month if that.

Its more than enough money to live off if you're not paying any housing costs.

MTIH · 20/02/2023 01:48

No, if I were the daughter, I wouldn't think to give to my DM. However, I would set it aside for my children. They are going to be lucky if they can ever afford to buy their own home and this would give them the start of a deposit.

Eyerollcentral · 20/02/2023 01:49

SueG60 · 20/02/2023 01:43

State pension is £10,500 a year from April then there's carers and attendance allowance, winter fuel payment, other help with energy bills (temporary), free dentist/prescription/opticians/bus pass/TV licence. It all adds up. I think you're underestimating the value of all of these things and how much workers spend on them which older people don't have to.

I'm not saying there wasn't more discrimination in the workplace, there undoubtedly was. My point is to be eligible for all of the above you don't need to have had a well paid job, just a basic one would be fine.

My mother owns her own home, was bought when the council sold off council housing to tenants. Its a very modest lifestyle but its easy for her to afford to live. I go back to my point around housing being the problem cost, the reason everything is affordable is because her housing costs are zero.

With house prices close to £300k you are forced to take out a huge mortgage if you want to get on the property ladder, how else would a younger person do it. It was much easier a generation ago.

Show quote history

Carers and attendance allowance aren’t income for the person being cared for, they are for the person looking after them surely you know that. So it’s £10,500 a year plus winter fuel allowance. Pitiful.

SueG60 · 20/02/2023 01:54

Eyerollcentral · 20/02/2023 01:49

Carers and attendance allowance aren’t income for the person being cared for, they are for the person looking after them surely you know that. So it’s £10,500 a year plus winter fuel allowance. Pitiful.

Show quote history

No they aren't, I claim it for my mother and it gets paid to her not me.

Anyway, you can exclude them if you want as not everyone is eligible it depends on their situation. My point still stands, you can live off the state pension very easily if you don't have any housing costs.

Honestly, do a budget sheet for someone earning the median wage, assume they have 1-2 kids, work out what all their costs are and whats left over. You'll soon see they're worse off than someone on state pension.

Teaandtoast3 · 20/02/2023 01:55

My parent is obviously doing something wrong because they receive about £650 a month… and that’s with pension credit. I can assure you that doesn’t go far. I have checked they aren’t entitled to anything else and they aren’t 🤷‍♀️

DomPom47 · 20/02/2023 01:57

Is downsizing an option? Or is it just something you don’t want to do?

Teaandtoast3 · 20/02/2023 01:59

Where are you getting 15k from @SueG60? I’ve just calculated what my parent gets (it’s less than I stated) and checked the Government website. The full basic State Pension is £141.85 per week. That’s £7376 a year.

Eyerollcentral · 20/02/2023 02:00

SueG60 · 20/02/2023 01:54

No they aren't, I claim it for my mother and it gets paid to her not me.

Anyway, you can exclude them if you want as not everyone is eligible it depends on their situation. My point still stands, you can live off the state pension very easily if you don't have any housing costs.

Honestly, do a budget sheet for someone earning the median wage, assume they have 1-2 kids, work out what all their costs are and whats left over. You'll soon see they're worse off than someone on state pension.

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I take it you mean attendance allowance is paid to your mum. It is SUPPOSED to be paid to the person attending. You can live off the state pension of course, but it’s fairly miserable as evidenced by your mum’s modest treats. A family with two working parents even on a low wage will get far more help. A family with a single mother will get far more help. You are ignoring the obvious which is that they are working. A pensioner has already contributed to the system, that’s what pays their pension. You are trying to compare these two situations but they are apples and oranges.

Teaandtoast3 · 20/02/2023 02:00

I’m sorry I genuinely want to know because it would genuinely help.

FlowerPows · 20/02/2023 02:02

You haven’t actually said what your income is versus outgoings.

My friends mortgage has just risen from 150 to 350 per month, she is now struggling

Teaandtoast3 · 20/02/2023 02:06

Oh.. it’s going up to £10,500 from this April? Well thank fuck for that… because £7376 quite frankly was far too low. That will at least be some help against the rising prices. I’d still argue they won’t be much better off.

WombatsAndGumTrees · 20/02/2023 02:07

Quote: The woman literally gave birth to you.

I really don't think we owe our parents for bringing us into this world and doing the normal tasks of raising that child they chose to have. The child has no choice in the matter. When you think about it, we all have children for selfish reasons really. We want to have a child because it's what we want to experience. We don't know what kind of life that child will have, even if the odds we give them are in their favour. We don't owe our parents for fulfilling the responsibilities they chose to take on.

That's not to say we can't choose to help them or want to help them if we can. We just don't owe them.

SueG60 · 20/02/2023 02:18

Teaandtoast3 · 20/02/2023 02:06

Oh.. it’s going up to £10,500 from this April? Well thank fuck for that… because £7376 quite frankly was far too low. That will at least be some help against the rising prices. I’d still argue they won’t be much better off.

Hang on, I'm trying to work out which numbers are which. The one thats going up to £10,500 in April is currently about £9,600 which I understand is if you reached retirement age after April 2016. My husband is getting that one as he just turned 66 a few months ago.

If you reached retirement age before then its the lower rate you've quoted I think, but with more scope to claim additional money. The government wouldn't have increased it 25% in 2016, I think it was supposed to be to simplify the system so there was less means testing rather than the amounts people got paid being much different before and after 2016.

My mums money includes carers allowance which is about £3600, she's got a small spouses pension from when my dad died of just over a grand and then the state pension, pensions credit and winter fuel allowance, thats how it adds up to about £15k.

It might be worth you ringing citizens advice or something to ask about what you can claim because it does sound like there's something missing, probably a means tested bit.

TreadLightly3 · 20/02/2023 02:24

ChicagoBears · 19/02/2023 22:25

I’d absolutely help yes. My parents would have gone without a meal to provide for me so it stands to reason (in my opinion) to pay it forward.

I will absolutely support my mum in her retirement if my level of income continues. Everyone deserves a comfortable life without worrying about how to pay yoyr next bill.

Same

SueG60 · 20/02/2023 02:26

Teaandtoast3 · 20/02/2023 02:06

Oh.. it’s going up to £10,500 from this April? Well thank fuck for that… because £7376 quite frankly was far too low. That will at least be some help against the rising prices. I’d still argue they won’t be much better off.

Right, so if you reached retirement age before April 2016 you get the old state pension which is made up of the basic state pension plus the additional state pension. If you retired after then you get the new state pension which is just one flat rate, and thats the one thats going up to £10,500.

The £7376 you've mentioned is the old state pension basic part and thats going up to £8000 in April. It sounds like you're not claiming the additional state pension part - google that as I just found this on www.gov.uk.

Eyerollcentral · 20/02/2023 02:29

SueG60 · 20/02/2023 02:18

Hang on, I'm trying to work out which numbers are which. The one thats going up to £10,500 in April is currently about £9,600 which I understand is if you reached retirement age after April 2016. My husband is getting that one as he just turned 66 a few months ago.

If you reached retirement age before then its the lower rate you've quoted I think, but with more scope to claim additional money. The government wouldn't have increased it 25% in 2016, I think it was supposed to be to simplify the system so there was less means testing rather than the amounts people got paid being much different before and after 2016.

My mums money includes carers allowance which is about £3600, she's got a small spouses pension from when my dad died of just over a grand and then the state pension, pensions credit and winter fuel allowance, thats how it adds up to about £15k.

It might be worth you ringing citizens advice or something to ask about what you can claim because it does sound like there's something missing, probably a means tested bit.

Show quote history

Please stop with this disinformation about being able to claim more money. It might comfort you to think there are endless allowances for pensioners to claim, there aren’t. Several people have pointed out how low the actual rate of state pension is for those already on it. There is a base line state pension. Someone getting a state pension this year gets the same as everyone else who is already getting it.

Gremlinsateit · 20/02/2023 02:30

The mother in this situation has no mortgage nor presumably rent from what she has posted. Is she living on “her” pension or “the” pension? (MIL always confused me by saying she was living on a pension, when it was actually more like an annuity from retirement funds.) Is she worried about bills or struggling to pay bills? Is the daughter’s income secure? I would put the mortgage and the DGC’s education first depending on the answers to these questions, and I don’t think 500 quid is derisory.

SueG60 · 20/02/2023 02:34

Eyerollcentral · 20/02/2023 02:29

Please stop with this disinformation about being able to claim more money. It might comfort you to think there are endless allowances for pensioners to claim, there aren’t. Several people have pointed out how low the actual rate of state pension is for those already on it. There is a base line state pension. Someone getting a state pension this year gets the same as everyone else who is already getting it.

Show quote history

Its not disinformation, she was asking what the different rates of state pension were. You agree that the new state pension is going to be £10,500 in April, right?

The pre 2016 state pension is more complicated, thats what she's asking about. It isn't clear on the website exactly how much it should be as its split into 2 parts. The government simplified it in 2016 - that would have been broadly cost neutral (so similar overall) unless you think the Tories chose to randomly give 25% more pension to newer pensioners than existing ones?

letthemalldoone · 20/02/2023 02:48

Farmageddon · 19/02/2023 21:27

In the OP it states that they are very close.

I would give my mother some of the money in those circumstances, maybe £5,000. I would hate to see her struggling while I spent a large windfall that I didn't need.

Show quote history

If I had been in this situation and fortunate enough to have my mum still alive in her 70s, I think it was be reasonable to share £5000 with her to help her with her finances.

Unfortunately I lost my mum when she was 62.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 20/02/2023 02:49

I can't imagine expecting more of my DC's money!
Aren't you happy your DC is mortgage free?
I find your question quite distasteful actually, given you say you are very close