to think about leaving DH due to infertility

[backoftheplane]

DH and I have been together nearly 11 years (for context, he's actually DP, we're not married but we've just been together for ages and that's how we refer to each other). We found out last year that we have no chance of conceiving naturally due to male factor infertility. I want to explore whether ICSI is an option. I found an excellent fertility doctor for DH a month ago and he still hasn't made an appointment. He said he wants to think about whether or not he even does. I'm devastated. I've posted previously about how depressed the whole situation is making me. Beyond saying he wants to "think about it" DH won't talk about it (he gets angry when I bring it up). He has said no to donor sperm (which I tend to feel the same way about). I just want him to go get a scan. I want to know that we did everything we could. He says he definitely wouldn't have an operation - even the small one needed if ICSI were to be an option. I'm not coping, and I'm considering leaving – but this also feels unfair to DH. When I brought it up again today he snapped that he wouldn't put pressure on me if the situation were reversed.

I've been looking at a lot of previous MN posts about this. It seems that when women who are infertile post about their male partners leaving because of infertility, the overwhelming advice is that the male partner is awful, should be prioritising the female partner with infertility issues and standing by them etc.

When it's the opposite way (my situation) – a woman who is with a male partner with male factor infertility, the overwhelming advice is to leave because otherwise the female partner will regret not having children.

I'm so torn. I know it's not necessarily fair to leave because of something outside of DH's control – but I do feel like it is within his control to explore our options, and he is not doing this. And, even if I do leave where does that leave me? I'm not automatically just going to have children. I'm 38. I will be grieving the end of a decade-long relationship, trying to set up my whole life again, and I'm sure that partners that you want to have children with don't just suddenly appear. So instead of being childless and in a relationship, I would be childless and single. I'm not interested in 'going it alone' either – I simply don't have the support network or financial security on my own.

I just think about the future and feel so sad and lonely. I also live on the other side of the world to all my family and good friends, and I just don't know where to turn.

Please note, I am NOT looking for suggestions like adoption, donor sperm, lifestyle changes etc... I have spent 6 months looking into this and I already know what my options are and what would / wouldn't work for us.

bangs head against wall

Will he go and visit the fertility clinic with you to find out exactly what it all is so it's not so scarey? I needed to have a visit to persuade me it was the way to go for us and a lovely nurse took me through everything and helped put my mind at rest.
Can also highly recommend accupuncture for you both!
Massively helped whem we had our 3rd, last and successful, ICSI x

Oh yeah, sorted. Fucking idiot.

You say he has no sperm, is that just in his sample? Because my dh only had 3 single sperm, 2 of which were immobile, but when he had pesa, they extracted plenty, they just couldn't get through due to epidydamal cysts.

Omg I am so sorry. The pull of wanting a child and being a mother is so strong. Short answer is that it’s probably better to leave him. Very sad. So sorry.

This is a difficult situation Op. I do wonder why you have left it so late if you knew you wanted a baby at some point ? Eg Was he always a bit reluctant, but kept on promising to try at some point in the future ?
I think there are a few possibilities - He may just be in a panic, phobic about the surgery and selfishly focusing on that rather than thinking of what you would need to go through with pregnancy and birth, if you do conceive. He may actually not want children at all and have lied to you (either about wanting children, or about a vasectomy) . Or he is shocked at the lack of sperm and can’t cope.
I think the advice to go away and give him thinking time is really sensible. Take the heat off for a few weeks, then talk when you get back.
If you are going to carry on trying, get married ! You can all each other husband and wife all you like, but you are not husband and wife, and you are in a vulnerable position.

Good to hear the lines of communication have been opened OP.

That can be very difficult emotionally for both the parent (and especially the one who is infertile as it's not 'his' child) and the child.

This is a hard one. My partner has male infertility problems. We found out after 7 years together. After we found out, he shut himself away, told me he wouldn't blame him for leaving and felt he had no one to talk to as it isn't widely spoke about in male circles. He ended up having an operation that failed then going down the donor route. We now have a 16 month old daughter.

Your partner is probably still grieving silently about it, and has taken the option to not do anything.

If IVF with donor didn't work for us, as much as I would've wanted kids, I would still stay with him.
But the fact that he doesn't want to explore any options would make me resent your partner. I believe that if you did leave him, you remind him, it is not due to his infertility, but because he doesn't want to do anything to help his situation.

I would sit him down for a serious conversation and explain as much as he doesn't want to talk, it needs to happen.

Sorry with what you're going through!

Well he needs to make up his mind because at 38 you just have the time to wait whilst he decides. You’ll be lucky to get pregnant now so time IS of the essence and you have a necessity to push him for a decision at least!

Sounds to me like he is hurt about the diagnosis and not coping with it well. You put forward a very different scenario with women who cant have children being left by partners. I dont think women refuse treatment in the main, not my experience as a nurse. Maybe, if he wont speak to you about it, you aim for a day when you wont be there and he will be and leave him a letter, one that expresses what you have said here, and tell him you are so desperate that if he is truly not willing to consider options, then as children are an essential for you, leaving the relationship is a final resort. Might wake him up.

Ask yourself if you would leave him if you had tried every Avenue you could and it still just didn't work out?

You aren't considering leaving him because he can't have a child. You are considering leaving because having been told he won't find it easy to have a baby, he seems to have disengaged.

I'd leave in that scenario.

Leave him and pursue having a child.

I really do feel for both of you. He may not want to talk about it because he feels shame of being infertile. And maybe the appointment worries him as he knows how bad you want a baby and worry he may not be able to give it to you?

But I can also see why your upset that he isn't engaging with you when your trying to find solutions.

I second the poster that advises counselling.

Think about what a woman puts her body through when faced with infertility. This is what makes it different, he is not willing to even go to the appointment. I think you should leave him because he's not willing to try. I would suggest couples therapy because he obviously feels bad about it and is maybe worried you will leave him because if it so won't engage but then you said he won't do therapy so what more can you do to help him? He's fucking this up and really what choice do you have.

I was in a similar situation where partner didn't want kids and I was approaching similar age. It's hard but in the end it feels better to take control and make a choice than to sit around and wait for him to pull his finger out. You will probably end up breaking up anyway because you will resent him and you will be even older and single. In my situation the separation made him see what he had lost and he changed his mind. You have to do something though as the current situation isn't working.

YANBU at all. Just wanted to say I hear you, it's a lonely place. Trust yourself to know what to do. Take good care of yourself. X

Hi OP. My husband has male factor- azoospermia- although he knew about it when we met and shared this with ne, it hasn’t been without challenges. We had a lot of time to explore what would work for us moving forward as our relationship evolved and eventually we went down donor sperm route. He was very cooperative with investigations like micro tese.

However, during our research , when we went to a donor conception workshop we met a couple where they had both just discovered that the guy had mfi. Both were shocked and devastated. It was clear she was considering leaving and he spoke about his depression and emasculation. I guess what I saw was the shock of tragic news. Could you set a timeline with your partner at which pont a decision needs to be made? I would also point out to him that at 38, time is already not on your side- though plenty of my friends conceived naturally or with ivf at that age, I didn’t and it took years before we had Ds. So it’s fair to accept that he is grieving and distressed but it’s also fair to say that you need a deadline at which he will make his choice and then you can make yours. Say maybe six weeks or so from now? This might spur him on to at least find someone to talk to about it. Sorry for your struggles. Happy to PM if you like.

Also I was similar to you, my family were on the other side of the world so I felt bad missing my family and not even having a family of my own. So the break up involved me moving back and, although it was hard, it was amazing to reconnect with everyone and spend time building relationships with my nieces and nephews. I got to the point where I was happy to have my family around me and came to terms with possibly not having kids. Then he changed his mind and we ended up getting back together.

Oh love so tough I really feel for you

I had a parallel situation with DH, not who was infertile but who didn’t know if he wanted kids

we’ve been talking through relate the couples therapy and it has been life changing for us both having a third person available to deflect the conflict and guide us to talking openly and look at underlying issues that make the fertility questions seem so hard to approach

In your place I would probably leave, because I know that I would resent him for ever. Considering what women go through in natural pregnancies, and what you'd be going through in an IVF pregnancy, what he's being asked to do is nothing. I would find it hard to get past that feeling that he had the chance to do something and he refused.

This 👆 is my feeling too. And you deserve to try for You / Yourself and your own life and happiness going forward if your overriding instinct is to have a child. As a PP said step back from the moral issue and concentrate on the practical one. But you need to be clear what your main concern is, and people have left relationships for far lesser reasons.

Good luck whatever you decide, I really hope things work out for you.

Two small additional points.

micro tese isn’t ‘Tiny’. It’s having your testicles repeatedly punctured in search of sperm. It led to a massive drop in testosterone levels. It’s more invasive than egg retrieval, I feel. But yes less serious than say, surgery with anaesthetic.

also I don’t agree that freezing your eggs is a waste of time at all. I think the time to do it is now. It is something you can do, because if your husband doesn’t retrieve soerm from the tese, which he may or may not depending on the origin of the azoo, you are going to need those eggs. The sooner you start extracting and saving the better your chances. I wish I had frozen mine earlier.

Have you thought how he must feel not being able to give you a baby, which may explain his reluctance to look into things further. My husband and I both wanted a baby, but due to fertility problems on his side it was not to be. Would I leave him because of it, absolutely not. I fell in love with him for him and I feel lucky to have him in my life and no way would I let a fertility problem come between us.

I know, but if you're infertile and want to have a child what's the other option?

what a sad situation for u. I wonder if yr DH is trying to detach himself from the situation because it is too painful for him to face it. I’m not sure where ur originally from but would returning to your homeland and old friends and family be something you could do? If he won’t face the situation how ru ever going to get over it as a couple?

However, during our research , when we went to a donor conception workshop we met a couple where they had both just discovered that the guy had mfi. Both were shocked and devastated. It was clear she was considering leaving and he spoke about his depression and emasculation. I guess what I saw was the shock of tragic news.

How awful. There were factors on both sides with us, but it never crossed my mind to leave my DH. Knowing we loved each other and would still have a marriage and a life together if it didn’t work was what kept us going through the treatment. It didn’t work but we have built a wonderful childfree life together.

I have kids although I had a long battle with TTC. In all honesty no one tells you how hard it really is. Looking back I'm sure I could have come to terms with it and had a great life.

Don't think having kids will fill some void or that you won't be lonely. It some ways it made me more isolated.

I was 37 when my youngest child was born. It's much harder having little children when you are that bit older. I struggle with keeping up with them. I have 3.

Maybe a clean break is what you need though. If you will feel resentment for the rest of your life you may be better off being free of it all and moving on. In time you could meet someone else. Without that pressure of TTC it could be much better. Xx